I love nude yellow dudes not named John Boehner

Our new publishing system was hand crafted by the dark lord Satan. I had this brilliant rant wherein I broke down why I love the Oscars and why it's okay to watch the Oscars even though hipster bloggers hate the Oscars and try to show you how cool they are by creating the perfect "I could give a shit about the Oscars...here are my Oscar thoughts" post. I was hilarious and eloquent. You would have wept and laughed and possibly had things happen in your pants! Then the world wide web barfed fury upon me and swallowed my creation into the cyber hellmouth that lies behind my monitor.

So the gist is this: The Oscars matter because people watch it. Maybe not everyone, but lots of people. The Oscars don't matter because a group mostly composed of rich white dudes can't really judge what the "best" films of the year are. They're entertainment, pure and simple, and just like all entertainment, if you like it you like it and if you don't you don't. Me? I like to watch it AND bitch about it, because that's the most entertainment I can derive out of it. Oh, and in my original post I managed to work in a rant about what in the Nicholas Cage is happening to Joel McHale's hair on "Community." It included the phrase "I'd rather have thinning hair and a five-head than have it look like my brain barfed a beaver." Don't ask me how I got there, other than I'm always thinking of "Community." Anyway, here's my thoughts on Oscar night. Take it or leave it. I originally had these detailed explanations for why I made each pick I made, and I may go in and put them up later, but I don't have the strength to retype that whole mess. So here you go, the rapid-fire version of my picks.

Best Picture

Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Should win: Inception
Will win: The King's Speech

Best Director Darren Aronofsky - Black Swan
David O. Russell - The Fighter
Tom Hooper - The King's Speech
David Fincher - The Social Network
Joel & Ethan Coen - True Grit

Should win: Darren Aronofsky
Will win: Tom Hooper

Best Actor

Javier Bardem - Biutiful
Jeff Bridges - True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg - The Social Network
Colin Firth - The King's Speech
James Franco - 127 Hours

Should win: Jeff Bridges Will win: Colin Firth

Best Actress

Annette Bening - The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman - Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence - Winter's Bone
Natalie Portman - Black Swan
Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Should win and will win: Natalie Portman

Best Supporting Actor

Christian Bale - The Fighter
John Hawkes - Winter's Bone
Mark Ruffalo - The Kids Are All Right
Jeremy Renner - The Town
Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Should win and will win: Christian Bale

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams - The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech
Melissa Leo - The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit
Jacki Weaver - Animal Kingdom

Should win: Melissa Leo
Will win: Hailee Steinfeld

Best Original Screenplay

Another Year
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech

Should win: Inception
Will win: The King's Speech

Best Adapted Screenplay

127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Should win and will win: The Social Network

Best Animated Feature

How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3

Should win and will win: Toy Story 3

Best Foreign Language Film

Biutiful
Dogtooth
In a Better World
Incendies
Outside the Law

Should win and will win: Biutiful

Best Documentary Feature

Exit Through the Gift Shop
Gasland
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land

Should win: Exit Through the Gift Shop
Will win: Inside Job

Best Animated Short

Day & Night
The Gruffalo
Let's Pollute
The Lost Things
Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)

Should win: Madagascar
Will win: Day & Night

Best Documentary Short

Killing in the Name
Poster Girl
Stranger No More
The Warriors of Qiugang

Should win and will win: Stranger No More

Best Art Direction

Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1
Inception
The King's Speech
True Grit

Should win: Inception
Will win: The King's Speech

Best Cinematography

Black Swan
Inception
The King's Speech
The Social Network
True Grit

Should win: Inception
Will win: The King's Speech

Best Costume Design

Alice in Wonderland
I Am Love
The King's Speech
The Tempest
True Grit

Should win: True Grit
Will win: Alice in Wonderland

Best Film Editing

The Social Network
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King's Speech
127 Hours

Should win: Black Swan
Will win: The King's Speech

Best Live Action Short

The Confession
The Crush
God of Love
Na Wewe
Wish 143

Should win: God of Love
Will win: Wish 143

Best Original Score

How to Train Your Dragon
Inception
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Should win: Inception
Will win: The Social Network

Best Original Song

"Coming Home" - Country Strong
"I See the Light" - Tangled
"If I Rise" - 127 Hours
"We Belong Together" - Toy Story 3

Should win: "We Belong Together"
Will win: "If I Rise"

Best Makeup

Barney's Version
The Way Back
The Wolfman

Should win and will win: The Wolfman

Best Visual Effects

Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2

Should win and will win: Inception

Best Sound Editing

Inception
Toy Story 3
TRON: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable

Should win and will win: Inception

Best Sound Mixing

Salt
The Social Network
True Grit
Inception
The King's Speech

Should win and will win: Inception

posted at 12:22 am
on Saturday, February 26th, 2011

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