Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 61)

Well, the holidays are officially over, as I'm back to receiving ZERO of the things that I am very clearly and articulately telling people to buy me. My wife actually had to call the help desk at ThinkGeek the other day. When I heard her give our last name, I thought: "Well, now she's about to get some respect, and I'm about to discover that they're waiting to send me a giant shipment of products and various goodies any day now." Instead, I heard my wife say "No, Syrek. S-Y-R-E-K." The indignity! I thought by now all of the internets and webbings would have heard of my legend! What more must I do to convince the good people who sling nerd shit that I deserve free stuff? I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to produce freebies. Having received approximately less than 1% of the products I've promoted (for free) in the last 60 installments, the admonitions to send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)and request my email address clearly haven't worked. Now, nothing can sate my rage.

Wait? What's that? The first image of Spider-man from the new version that's being directed by the guy who made that mediocre-to-crappy indie rom-com everyone tweaked about for no good reason looks GOOD?! ARE THOSE MECHANICAL WEB SHOOTERS?! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!!!! Okay, now I'm in a good mood and...wait, what's this?

OHMYGOD!!!! THE NEW CAPTAIN AMERICA COSTUME IS THE TITS! IT'S IN-CRAY-EEBLAY! SUCK A FATTY THINGS GREEN AND HORNETY OR LANTERN-LIKE! WOWZA!

Okay, that was some good palate cleansing. Now I feel as though I can relax and remind you that I don't actually expect you people to send me stuff but that I do this as a way to show you cool crap out there. And now, cool shit:

1.) These are good because I'm sure they're practical and feel nice....yeah...that's it... - Too often I neglect the ladies. I mean on this blog column, not in real life. In real life, I NEVER neglect the ladies. They neglect me. That is, neglect to notice me...or to reign me in. At any rate, here's a peace offering.

For a mere $35, you can go here and get underthings that reflect a passion for bounty hunting and bodacious bootywear. Seriously, it's somewhere between hot and adorable. It's ho-rable. Wait...

2.) They shall destroy you with the cute - Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want one:

What do you mean you don't want one? Don't give me that "I'm a grown-ass man" crap. So am I. What? I am! And I want like 70000 of these. I want to roll around in them like the most cuddly Tribble infestation ever. Go here. Buy them for me. They're only $13. That's a small amount for this much plush joy.

3.) None of the proceeds go to Michael Bay - If you're going to wear a Transformers shirt. Wear this one:

Threadless makes it acceptable to wear the leader of the Autobots. It's classy and clever, in that the title of the shirt is "Optimust." That's intelligent comedy. Also, Optimus Prime looks like a ghost. That's cool. Someone is now going to write some crazy bad fan fiction about ghost Transformers and it's going to be my fault. Sorry.

Okay, that's what I want this week. What do you want? Love? Me too.

Follow me on Twitter, it won't cost a thing!

posted at 11:08 pm
on Thursday, January 13th, 2011

COMMENTS

(We're testing Disqus commenting (finally!); please let us know if you have trouble.)

comments powered by Disqus

 

« Previous Page


Cutting Room for October 24

We’ve been patient. But now, finally, we are getting the single most important product a movie ever promised us. Hendo Hover is determined to make real, usable hoverboards in 2015. You heard me....

more »


Cutting Room for October 17

On Friday Nov. 7, birds will do more than poop on your freshly washed car. Film Historian Bruce Crawford will hold his staggering 35th tribute to classic movies with a screening of The Birds, Alfred...

more »


Movieha! Omaha’s Favorite Movie Podcast

On Your Radar: The Mule

Netflix Roulette:The Double

Please sign up for our RSS feed HERE, download our podcasts and rave about us in the comments section of iTunes HERE, follow us on Twitter...

more »


Cutting Room for October 10

Known primarily as a painter, Andy Warhol also made movies I mostly don’t understand or appreciate. If you feel like seeing whether you can get what the semi-whacko artist was doing with his cinema...

more »


Cutting Room for October 3

The root of the word “fan” is actually “fanatic,” which sounds more maniacal and describes me after the Chicago Bears lose (again). This explains why Aksarben Cinema is naming their ongoing series of...

more »







Advanced Search