Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions for January 21

Why would people see a movie this weekend? Don't they know they have to spend Friday night shopping for goodies for Sunday's Bears game, spend Saturday doing the necessary voodoo and sacrifices, and spend Sunday morning crying, breathing into a bag, and then trying not to barf as the Bears attempt to go to the Super Bowl? That's what everybody else is doing right? Well, apparently, that's not what Natalie Portman wants. Even though she's saucy and tempting in a movie that has to do with her trying to please her insatiable lust, I am not fooled. It also stars Ashton Kutcher. So even if I was tempted to tell people to go see it this weekend for her hot lady parts, I'd be recommending Kutcher, and nobody does that. Nobody.

Here's how I see the weekend for those who aren't as big a Bears fan as I am (ie, the rest of the world), haiku style:

1.) No Strings Attached - $18 million
Nice try, Natalie
but I will not be fooled here.
Back, you saucy minx!

2.) The Green Hornet - $17 million
Hope you liked last week
because it's all downhill now.
Say "bye bye" Hornet.

3.) The Dilemma - $9 million
This is a big flop
but I could have told you that.
Comedies need jokes.

4.) True Grit - $8 million
Keep it up, Rooster!
This is a remake legend!
Give us more Westerns!!!

5.) The King's Speech - $8 million
It's just not that good.
I mean, I know it's not bad
but it isn't GOOD.

Wildcard - Black Swan - $7.5 million
Two-hit Natalie
has a lot to be proud of!
Except for her laugh.

Okay, that's it for me. It's now all Bears all the time.

Follow me on Twitter and hear me freak out about the Bears.

posted at 10:48 pm
on Friday, January 21st, 2011

COMMENTS

(We're testing Disqus commenting (finally!); please let us know if you have trouble.)

comments powered by Disqus

 

« Previous Page


Cutting Room for October 24

We’ve been patient. But now, finally, we are getting the single most important product a movie ever promised us. Hendo Hover is determined to make real, usable hoverboards in 2015. You heard me....

more »


Cutting Room for October 17

On Friday Nov. 7, birds will do more than poop on your freshly washed car. Film Historian Bruce Crawford will hold his staggering 35th tribute to classic movies with a screening of The Birds, Alfred...

more »


Movieha! Omaha’s Favorite Movie Podcast

On Your Radar: The Mule

Netflix Roulette:The Double

Please sign up for our RSS feed HERE, download our podcasts and rave about us in the comments section of iTunes HERE, follow us on Twitter...

more »


Cutting Room for October 10

Known primarily as a painter, Andy Warhol also made movies I mostly don’t understand or appreciate. If you feel like seeing whether you can get what the semi-whacko artist was doing with his cinema...

more »


Cutting Room for October 3

The root of the word “fan” is actually “fanatic,” which sounds more maniacal and describes me after the Chicago Bears lose (again). This explains why Aksarben Cinema is naming their ongoing series of...

more »







Advanced Search