Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions for January 21

Why would people see a movie this weekend? Don't they know they have to spend Friday night shopping for goodies for Sunday's Bears game, spend Saturday doing the necessary voodoo and sacrifices, and spend Sunday morning crying, breathing into a bag, and then trying not to barf as the Bears attempt to go to the Super Bowl? That's what everybody else is doing right? Well, apparently, that's not what Natalie Portman wants. Even though she's saucy and tempting in a movie that has to do with her trying to please her insatiable lust, I am not fooled. It also stars Ashton Kutcher. So even if I was tempted to tell people to go see it this weekend for her hot lady parts, I'd be recommending Kutcher, and nobody does that. Nobody.

Here's how I see the weekend for those who aren't as big a Bears fan as I am (ie, the rest of the world), haiku style:

1.) No Strings Attached - $18 million
Nice try, Natalie
but I will not be fooled here.
Back, you saucy minx!

2.) The Green Hornet - $17 million
Hope you liked last week
because it's all downhill now.
Say "bye bye" Hornet.

3.) The Dilemma - $9 million
This is a big flop
but I could have told you that.
Comedies need jokes.

4.) True Grit - $8 million
Keep it up, Rooster!
This is a remake legend!
Give us more Westerns!!!

5.) The King's Speech - $8 million
It's just not that good.
I mean, I know it's not bad
but it isn't GOOD.

Wildcard - Black Swan - $7.5 million
Two-hit Natalie
has a lot to be proud of!
Except for her laugh.

Okay, that's it for me. It's now all Bears all the time.

Follow me on Twitter and hear me freak out about the Bears.

posted at 10:48 pm
on Friday, January 21st, 2011

COMMENTS

(We're testing Disqus commenting (finally!); please let us know if you have trouble.)

comments powered by Disqus

 

« Previous Page


Cutting Room for March 20

Werner Herzog is one of my favorite things about life on earth. He’s only a badass documentarian who once completed an interview after being shot because “it was not a significant bullet” and cameoed...

more »


Movieha! Podcast

>

Please sign up for our RSS feed HERE, download our podcasts and rave about us in the comments section of iTunes HERE, follow us on Twitter HERE, and become a fan of us on Facebook HERE! You can...

more »


Cutting Room

I try not to be serious in this column very often out of a fear that someone may think I take myself seriously. And yet, with a subject as important as this next one, I’m gonna move the jokey jokes...

more »


Cutting Room

Technically, this isn’t movie news, but seeing as how movies and TV are practically one and the same right now in terms of quality storytelling (and considering that Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij...

more »


Movieha! Your favorite movie podcast

In the podcast, we mention a great article on "Count" Victor Lustig, which you can read here

Please sign up for our RSS feed HERE, download our podcasts and rave about us in the comments section of...

more »







Advanced Search