After you’re dead, George Lucas will take your soul

Good Tuesday morning to all of you! George Lucas is now collecting dead human souls.

Sorry, was that too abrupt for you first thing in the morning? Well, too bad. It's true. According to The Toronto Sun, McMidget the Throat Beard is buying the rights to dead actors like Orson Wells in an attempt to use computer voodoo and cyber jackassery to resurrect them, likely to make them sing and dance or step in poop or something in terrible movies. Jesus, maybe he's going to insert James Dean next to Anakin Skywalker on his podracer. Why? I don't know. Why did that mean kid in elementary school always pull the wings off of butterflies? He's 98% evil...and 2% marshmallow fluff.

First off, I thought we were passed this malarky, having experienced the whole Fred Astaire selling vacuums and dead celebrity duets left and right. Leave it Lucas to think that the only problem we had with that is that the technology wasn't advanced enough for us to see every pore on Astaire's vacuum-shilling face. Second...come the f**k on, Lucas! You don't know that people ALREADY hate you? You think that documentaries entitled The People vs George Lucas and Internet memes like "Lucas raped my childhood" are just done in good fun? If it was legal and nerds were physically capable of the strength necessary, you would have been stoned to death years ago. The way back into the public's heart is not to purchase the rights to dead celebrities.

This leads me to believe he's not doing this for movies, but rather is actually on the final stage of his universe-destroying machine of pure evil and death. It must run on dead celebrity souls. That's my best guess.

Follow me on Twitter or George Lucas will buy you.

posted at 03:56 pm
on Tuesday, December 07th, 2010

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