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Home - News of the Weird
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Fight Congregation - |
Pastor John Renken’s Xtreme Ministries of Memphis, Tenn., is one of a supposedly growing number of churches that use “mixed martial arts” events to recruit wayward young men to the Christian gospel. Typically, after leading his flock in solemn prayer to a loving God, Pastor Renken adjourns the session to the back room, where a New York Times reporter found him in February shouting encouragement to his violent parishioners: “Hard punches!” Renken yelled. “Finish the fight! To the head! To the head!” One participant told the Times that fight nights bring a greater masculinity to religion, which he said had, in recent years, gone soft. |
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Doggy Chastity - |
When Dexter Blanch’s dog nearly died from complications during spay surgery, he decided to use the event as inspiration and recently brought to market a chastity belt to give pet owners more control of their animals’ animal instincts. The Pet Anti-Breeding System harness is especially valuable to professional breeders who may want to keep a female out of one or more “heat cycles” without resorting to sterilization. So far, said Blanch, the belts have been proven effective, but he admitted to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter in February that horndog males pose severe tests by gnawing relentlessly at the leather straps that are crimping their style. |
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Single Jeopardy - |
In all likelihood, convicted murderer Paul Powell would have been sentenced to life in prison for his 1999 crime, but he could not resist gratuitously ridiculing the prosecutor. Powell’s original sentence of death was overturned because of a technicality in Virginia law: The “aggravated” circumstance in a murder that warrants the death penalty must be committed against the actual murder victim (whereas the prosecutor had proved only that Powell had also raped the victim’s sister). Powell assumed that the prohibition against “double jeopardy” thus ruled out the death penalty and so decided to gloat, calling the prosecutor “stupid” and taunting him with details of his crimes. For the first time, Powell admitted that he had also raped the murder victim. That was evidence of a new aggravated circumstance (i.e., no “double jeopardy”), and the prosecutor obtained a death sentence. In January 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court rejected Powell’s appeal. |
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White Noise - |
White People in Turmoil: (1) April Gaede, who four years ago guided her teenage daughters, Lynx and Lamb (performing as “Prussian Blue”), to a brief music career singing neo-Nazi songs, announced a new project recently on the white nationalist website stormfront.org. She offers a no-fee matchmaking service to fertile Aryans, hoping to encourage marriage and baby-making — to help white people keep up with rapidly procreating minorities. (2) Don “Moose” Lewis announced plans in January for a 12-city pro basketball league composed only of white players (natural-born U.S. citizens, whose parents are both Caucasian). Lewis denied any “racism,” explaining to the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle that whites simply like “fundamental” basketball and not “street ball” (“flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch”). |
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Border Beetle - |
In January, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers confiscated a live, jeweled beetle that a woman was wearing as an “accessory” on her sweater as she crossed into Brownsville, Texas, from Mexico. Blue jewels were glued onto the beetle’s back, which had been painted gold, and the mobile brooch was tethered by a gold chain attached to a safety pin. Even though the woman orally “declared” the animal, the beetle was confiscated because she had not completed the bureau’s PPQ Form 526, which is necessary to bring insects into the country. Reportedly, such jewelry is not that rare in Mexico. A spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was, of course, appalled. |
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Raise Riot - |
What Recession? A December USA Today analysis revealed that during the first 18 months of the recent recession, beginning December 2007, the number of federal employees with six-figure salaries shot up from 14 percent of the federal workforce to 19 percent. Defense Department civilian executives earning more than $150,000 went from 1,868 to more than 10,000, and the Department of Transportation, which had only one person earning $170,000 in December 2007, now has 1,690. The average federal salary is $71,206, compared with the private sector’s $40,331. |
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Funny Money - |
In December, a prominent online game player, Buzz “Erik” Lightyear, won the auction for ownership of a virtual space station in the Planet Calypso game, paying 3.3 million Project Entropia Dollars (PEDs), which at various points entered the game’s play-like economy at an out-of-pocket cost of 10 actual U.S. cents per PED. Thus, Lightyear “paid” $330,000 for nothing more than digital representations of cool-looking structures. However, Lightyear can now charge other PED-seeking players who shop and hunt for valuables on the popular space station and appears confident he will eventually earn back his investment. (On the other hand, if everyone suddenly abandoned the game, Lightyear will have spent thousands of hours online, buying, selling and bartering to earn $330,000 worth of PEDs that would then be worthless.) |
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Safe Travels - |
Big-time traffickers who smuggle illegal immigrants into the U.S. from Mexico rely on GPS devices to evade the Border Patrol, but starting in June, border-jumpers who travel on their own can have protection, too. Three University of California, San Diego faculty members have designed inexpensive cell phones with special software to locate water, churches and medical facilities in the treacherous Southwest desert (while avoiding law enforcement) and will give the devices to Mexican charities. The phones, which will also feature “welcome to the U.S.” poetry, are expected to save the lives of many of the hundreds who die each year on their dangerous journeys, but illegal-immigration protesters are demanding that the academics be arrested for assisting in crimes. |
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Eat Me - |
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Natives of the Erromango section of the Pacific island Vanuatu recently held a formal “conciliation” with the great-great-grandson of the British missionary whom the islanders’ ancestors ate when he came ashore in 1839. Charles Milner-Williams’ forebear, Rev. John Williams, was regarded as the most famous Christian missionary of the era. Vanuatan legislator Ralph Regenvanu told BBC News that cannibalism was traditionally a sacred warrior practice for “vanquishing a threat (and) absorbing the power of the enemy.” Nonetheless, he said, the island has long felt “guilt,” and even a “complex,” from killing and eating Rev. Williams. In penitence, Vanuatu symbolically gave the Williams family a 7-year-old girl, who will not be eaten but whose education Milner-Williams promised to underwrite. |
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Pimping Piracy - |
In Somalia — which is without a central government to speak of and where very little functions beyond Islamic resistance and individual warlords’ fiefdoms — a robust “stock market” has emerged in the city of Haradheere for “investors” in the seagoing pirate “industry,” to raise money and supplies for kidnappers in exchange for a share of the bounty once a ransom is paid. According to a December Reuters dispatch, 72 “companies” are listed on the exchange, enabling “venture capital” to fund greater piracy traffic and more sophisticated looting. There even seems to be a financial “bubble” at work, in that since the “exchange” opened, pirates’ ransoms have doubled to about $4 million per ship. |
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Remote Control - |
by Chuck Shepherd
But What If the Device Falls Into the Wrong Hands? A 55-year-old British man whose bowel was ruptured in a nearly catastrophic traffic accident has been fitted with a bionic sphincter that opens and closes with a remote controller. Ged Galvin had originally endured 13 surgeries in a 13-week hospital stay and had grown frustrated with using a colostomy bag until surgeon Norman Williams of the Royal London Hospital proposed the imaginative operation. Dr. Williams, who was interviewed along with Galvin for a November feature in London’s Daily Mail, wrapped a muscle transplanted from Galvin’s leg around the sphincter and attached electrodes to tighten or loosen the muscle’s grip. |
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Whip it Good - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
Spare the Rod: In September, engaging in a 300-year tradition of the Dussera holiday in India’s Tamil Nadu state, Hindu priests ritually whipped 2,000 young women and girls over a five-hour period as penance for a range of sins, from insufficient studying to moral impurity. Said one sobbing yet inspired lash recipient, to an NDTV reporter, “(W)hen we are whipped, we will get rid of our mental and physical ailments and evil spirits.” (And in November, Pope John Paul II was revealed to have periodically atoned for sins by privately whipping himself, according to a nun who worked with him and who was cited in the Vatican’s ongoing consideration of John Paul II for sainthood. The nun said she heard him distinctly several times from an adjacent room.)
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Testing Tots - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
Commercial test-preparation courses are already popular for applicants to top colleges and graduate schools, and recently also for admission to prestigious private high schools and grade schools. Now, according to a November New York Times report, such courses and private coaching are increasingly important for admission to New York City’s high-achiever public kindergartens, even though the applicants are just 3 and 4 years old. Basic coaching, which may cost more than $1,000, includes training a child to listen to an adult’s questions and to sit still for testing. Minimum qualification for top-shelf kindergartens are scores at the 90th percentile on the Olsat reasoning test and the Bracken School Readiness knowledge test. |
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Death Wish - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
In October in Orange County, Calif., Billy Joe Johnson, who had just been convicted of murder as a hit man for a white supremacist gang, begged the judge and jury, in all sincerity, to sentence him to death. Johnson knew that those on California’s death row get individual cells and better telephone access, nicer contact-visit arrangements, and more personal-property privileges than ordinary inmates. The Los Angeles Times reported that the state’s spending per death-row inmate is almost three times that for other inmates. The current death-row census totals 685, but because of legal issues, only 13 have been executed since 1977 (compared to 71 death-row fatalities from other causes). In fact, Johnson was so eager to be put on death row that he tried to confess to two murders that no one yet knew about.
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Healthy Health Care - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
Their Health Care Is Just Fine Without “Reform”: (1) In September, the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers, along with four physicians and three surgical nurses, donated their services for delicate brain surgery on a 25-year-old silverback lowland gorilla at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs. (2) Among the health-insurance upgrades demanded by Philadelphia-area transit workers and agreed to by the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority in November was removal of the 10-tablet-per-month rationing of Viagra and similar medications, to allow as many as 30 per month (according to a Philadelphia Daily News report). (The final contract, reportedly even more beneficial to the union, was being voted on by union members at press time.)
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Defenseless - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
The first line of “defense” at the 400 Iraqi police checkpoints in Baghdad are small wands with antennas that supposedly detect explosives, but which U.S. officials say are about as useful as Ouija boards. The Iraqi official in charge, Maj. Gen. Jehad al-Jabiri, is so enamored of the devices, according to a November New York Times dispatch, that when American experts repeatedly showed the rods’ failures in test after test, he blamed the results on testers’ lack of “training.” The Iraqi government has purchased 1,500 of the ADE 651s from its manufacturer, ATSC Ltd. of the UK, at prices ranging from $16,000 to $60,000 each. The suicide bombers who killed 155 in downtown Baghdad on Oct. 25 passed two tons of explosives through at least one ADE-651-equipped checkpoint.
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Eco-Sexy - |
b>by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
For some consumers, good environmental citizenship is important even when choosing among sex accessories. No longer will they tolerate plastic personal vibrators made with the softeners called phthalates; or body lubricants that contain toxic chemicals typically found in, say, antifreeze; or leather restraints from slaughtered cattle. In an October issue, Time magazine described a market of organic lubricants, biodegradable whips and handcuffs, vegan condoms, and glass or mahogany vibrators (even hand-crankable models, eliminating the need for batteries). Some Catholic Church officials have also embraced the concept to further denounce chemical and latex birth controls, re-characterizing the traditional “rhythm” family planning as the back-to-nature detection of ovulation via body signals.
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'Enjoy the Go' - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
Procter & Gamble announced in October that it will once again create and host a public restroom for the holiday season in New York City’s Times Square as a promotion for Charmin tissue. Last year’s installation was merely specially outfitted toilet facilities, but this year P&G will upgrade by hiring five bloggers (“Charmin Ambassadors”) to “interact” with the expected “hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests” and write about their experiences with Charmin tissue on the company’s website (and include “family friendly” photographs). P&G is calling the campaign “Enjoy the Go.”
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Fruitful Science - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
Recent Precision-Tuning of the Fruit Fly Brain: (1) Scientists at England’s University of Oxford know how to make fruit flies scared of things they weren’t scared of previously — by implanting artificial memories in their brains after somehow locating and managing the precise 12 neurons that enable the flies to learn things. The implanted “danger” (the smell of sweat-soaked athletic shoes) causes the flies to scatter at the first whiff. (2) Scientists at the University of Toronto know how to make fruit flies sexually attractive to flies of both sexes and to different fly species — by removing the specific hydrocarbon brain cells that produce the pheromones thought to attract sex-specific mates. (Only the choice of partners was modified and not horniness level.)
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Celebrity Sightings - |
by Chuck Shepherd
Illustrations by Tom Briscoe
The human brain’s 100 billion neurons may have such specific functions that a few electrically charge only upon recognition of a single celebrity, such as Oprah Winfrey or Bill Clinton. UCLA researchers, studying the healthy cells of pre-op epilepsy patients, inadvertently discovered this unusual property, which apparently varies with individuals but remains internally consistent, whether the celebrity is represented by picture, name or sound. Patients were presented “hundreds of stimuli,” one researcher told The Wall Street Journal in October, but “the neuron would respond to only one or two.” For example, neurons were found that reacted only to Jennifer Aniston, only to “The Simpsons,” only to Mother Teresa.
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