Using GPS and state-of-the-art sonar, Columbia University researchers recently made the first comprehensive map of the wonders submerged in New York City’s harbors. Supplementing those findings with historical data, New York magazine reported the inventory’s highlights in May: a 350-foot steamship (downed in 1920), a freight train (derailed in 1865), 1,600 bars of silver (un-recovered since 1903), a fleet of Good Humor ice cream trucks (which form a reef for aquatic life), and so many junked cars near the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges that divers use them as underwater navigation points. Of most concern lately, though, are the wildlife: 4-foot-long worms that eat wooden docks and tiny “gribbles” that eat concrete pilings.
Competitive Facial Hair: At the biennial World Beard and Moustache Championships in May in Anchorage, Alaska, four local heroes “defeated” the usually dominant German contingent in the 18-category pageant, including overall champ David Traver of Girdwood, Alaska, whose woven chin hair suggests a long potholder. Said Traver, of the Germans, “They were humble, and you have to respect that.” One defending champ, Jack Passion of Los Angeles, fell short with his navel-length red hair, despite having authored The Facial Hair Handbook after his 2007 victory. Traver acknowledged that no money was at stake (only trophies and “bragging rights”), but added that there are “a lot of ladies” who fawn over men’s facial hair. “Seriously, they exist.”
Terrorism Gets Pizzazz: A physical fitness video, purportedly made in April by a U.S.-based al-Qaida operative, gives workout tips to jihadists, urging that they “train as hard as possible” to inflict maximum damage on “the enemies of Allah,” according to an ABC News report. Exercises such as crawling long distances on hands and knees are demonstrated by people in flowing robes. The narrator discourages using gyms and fitness centers because of the “un-Islamic” music and “semi-naked” women. And a video released in May, purportedly from al-Qaida in Somalia, features an English-speaking rap singer making a recruitment pitch to U.S. and European youth, including such verses as: “Mortar by mortar / Shell by shell / Only going to stop / When I send them to hell.”
As Denver’s newsweekly Westword asked in a May 2009 story, “Where would you take a $100,000 check that is also a suicide note, to the cops or to the bank?” In July 2008, John Francis Beech, a retired executive in Denver, sent a check for $100,000 to a local charity, postdated Aug. 1, accompanied by a sealed envelope reading “wait until you hear from coroner” and “everything is OK.” The charity’s director, Annie Green, opened the envelope July 21. It contained Beech’s last will and testament, leaving his estate to Green’s organization for children with developmental disabilities. Green’s choice: Put everything into the school’s safe and await Aug. 1 (but she claimed to have left two voicemail messages for Beech). On July 29, based on longstanding plans, Beech committed suicide.
In a nondescript building next to a mosque in downtown Karachi, Pakistan, the Qadeer brothers discreetly make and market a million dollars’ worth of fetish and bondage products a year for Americans and Europeans (through sales to stores and on eBay). In fact, if the radical Islamic office down the street knew about the Qadeers’ work, they might be in trouble, according to an April New York Times dispatch, but fortunately, the gag balls, corsets and whips such as the ‘Mistress Flogger’ are so odd for Pakistan that even the veiled women who sew them for the Qadeers do not understand that Americans use them for sex play. Customs officials, for example, were puzzled about how to categorize the items for tax purposes. ‘If our mom knew (the nature of our business),’ said brother Adnan, ‘she would disown us.’
The Entrepreneurial Spirit! — Physician Geoffrey Hart, working with a grant from the National Institutes of Health, recently developed the Pedi-Sedate headgear to trick kids in the waiting room into inhaling nitrous oxide while playing video games, thus knocking themselves out and, according to Hart’s company, ‘dramatically improving the hospital or dental experience for the child, parents and healthcare providers.’ The helmet contains sophisticated sensors to monitor the dosages and effects on the child.
The New Waterboarding: In April, the district attorney in Vilas County, Wis., announced that he was seeking volunteers for a forensic test to help his case against Douglas Plude, 42, who is scheduled to stand trial soon for the second time in the death of his wife. The volunteers must be female, about 5’8” and 140 pounds, and will have to stick their heads into a toilet bowl and flush. Plude is charged with drowning his wife in a commode, but his version (which the prosecutor will try to show is improbable) is that his wife committed suicide by flushing herself.
Compelling Explanations Neal Horsley, running for governor of Georgia in the 2010 election on a platform encouraging the quaint Peach State legal theory of “nullification” (i.e., that the state can override the U.S. Constitution in certain instances), is principally known as a staunch foe of abortion who once posted a “hit list” of doctors. However, Horsley is also celebrated for a 2005 television interview with Fox News’ Alan Colmes, in which Horsley described his childhood: “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.” To a skeptical Colmes, Horsley added, “You (city) people are so far removed from reality. Welcome to domestic life on the farm.”
Convicted Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols, now serving a life sentence in the Florence, Colo., “Supermax” prison, filed a 39-page federal lawsuit in March alleging unconstitutional “cruel and unusual punishment” because the refined-food, low-fiber meals give him “chronic constipation (and) bleeding hemorrhoids.” He demanded fresh raw vegetables and other high-fiber foods, necessary to “keep one’s body (i.e., God’s holy temple) in good health.” Nichols was joined in the lawsuit by fellow Supermax resident Eric Rudolph (the convicted abortion-clinic and Atlanta Olympics bomber), who claimed “gas and stomach cramps” and observed that “our bodies” are “sacred and should be treated as such.”
“Consensual Living” parenting, which was developed in 2006 and now has many hundreds of followers, supposes that every family member’s needs are equally valid and respect-worthy. Even pre-adolescents are assumed able to understand their own needs and respect those of others. When little Kiernen, age 3, of Langley, British Columbia, hits another child, his mom told Toronto’s Globe & Mail in March, she does not invoke authority but instead asks about his feelings and whether he’d like to express himself differently. If 18-month-old Kahlan, of Nanaimo, British Columbia, is grumpy at a time when her mother has made plans, Mom says she is obligated to consider other plans. And when Savannah, age 6, insisted on wearing her Halloween cat costume every single day for several months, her mom in Burlington, Ontario, just shrugged, since she recalled how contentious the morning dressing rituals were, pre-Consensual Living.
Building a Risk-Free Society Safety First in Britain: (1) Recently, 118 local government councils conducted formal tests on their cemeteries’ gravestones to see how susceptible they are to toppling over and hurting people, according to an April Daily Telegraph report. (2) In April, a circus clown performing in Liverpool was ordered not to wear his classic oversized shoes because he could trip and injure someone. (3) BBC producers, wielding a “telephone-book-size” set of safety precautions while making a recent adventure documentary, ordered Sir Robin Knox-Johnston (the first person to sail single-handedly and nonstop around the world) not to light a portable stove unless a “safety advisor” supervised.
In April at a New York City gallery, the Australian performance artist Stelarc starred in a video of his surgery in which an ear is implanted into his left forearm (right now, just a prosthesis, but to which stem cells will be added), which will house an Internet-accessed, Bluetooth-capable microphone. “Post-evolutionary strategies” are required, Stelarc told The New York Times, because the current state of the body is obsolete. Other exhibits at the Corpus Extremus (LIFE+) exhibit included a genetically modified goat that produces super-strong spider’s silk. In an earlier project, Stelarc wired half his muscles to computers in Paris, Helsinki and Amsterdam, to understand a semi-controllable “split-body experience.” Stelarc’s self-appraisal: “I’m never in my comfort zone.”
Things People Believe Baltimore prosecutors were stuck in their case against cult leader “Queen Antoinette,” 40, whom they had charged in the starvation death of a young boy who was being punished for failing to say “Amen” at mealtime. They would need the cooperation of the boy’s mother, cult member Ria Ramkissoon, 22, but she was refusing to flip on the Queen, whom she believed would eventually resurrect her son from the dead. Finally in March, the judge announced a breakthrough: Ramkissoon would cooperate, but prosecutors would promise in writing to drop all charges if the Queen eventually brings the boy back.
When Alcoa Inc. prepared to build an aluminum smelting plant in Iceland in 2004, the government forced it to hire an expert to assure that none of the country’s legendary “hidden people” lived underneath the property. The elf-like goblins provoke genuine apprehensiveness in many of the country’s 300,000 natives (who are all, reputedly, related by blood). An Alcoa spokesman told Vanity Fair writer Michael Lewis (for an April 2009 report) that the inspection (which delayed construction for six months) was costly but necessary: “We couldn’t be in the position of acknowledging the existence of hidden people.” (Lewis offered several explanations for the country’s spectacular financial implosion in 2008, including Icelanders’ incomprehensible superiority complex that convinced many lifelong fishermen that they were gifted investment bankers.)
Cultural Diversity Among the lingering sex-based customs in Saudi Arabia is the restriction on women’s working outside the home, which forces lingerie shops to be staffed only with males, who must awkwardly make recommendations on women’s bra styles and sizes. The campaign for change, led by a Jeddah college lecturer, has enlisted even some clerks, who are just as embarrassed about the confrontation as the customers, according to a February BBC News dispatch.
According to a March 2 report of the Government Accountability Office, the U.S. National Nuclear Security Administration recently postponed its crucial program to rejuvenate quarter-century-old Trident missile warheads because no one can remember how to make a key component of the weapons (codenamed “Fogbank”). The GAO found that, despite concern over the bombs’ safety and reliability, NNSA could not replicate the manufacturing process because all knowledgeable personnel have left the agency and no written records were kept. Said one commentator, “This is like James Bond destroying his instructions as soon as he’s read them.” (The GAO report came two months after the German Interior Ministry reported to Parliament that over a 10-year period, it had lost 332 secret files that were in fact so secret that no one in the Ministry could recall what was in them.)
The Frontiers of Science Researchers at Germany’s Max Planck Institute recently published findings of a cross-cultural study of people’s spit. “We can get more insights into human populations (from saliva) than we would get from just studying human DNA,” the team’s leader told Reuters in February. The study’s main conclusion was that spit content does not vary much around the world, even given regional differences in diet.
Through the years, News of the Weird has reported on restaurants around the world with singularly quirky themes and signature dishes, such as the one in Kaohsiung, Taiwan, that seats all diners on toilets and the Beijing restaurant whose cuisine features animal penises. Last year, a group of doctors in Riga, Latvia, opened Hospitalis, a medical-themed restaurant whose dining room resembles an OR, with “nurse” waitresses bringing food on gurneys, accessorized with syringes and forceps in addition to knives and forks and with drinks served in beakers and test tubes. Hospitalis’ signature dish is a cake with edible toppings that resemble fingers, noses and tongues.
Bright Ideas “It was initially just an experiment,” said the 26-year-old, Sebastopol, Calif., midwife apprentice who last year talked her boyfriend into photographing her cervix for 33 straight days so that she could chart its physical changes while monitoring her own mood, libido and body temperature. It was not easy, she told the Santa Rosa Press-Democrat in February. “It’s so dark in there (that) even with (a lamp shining on it), the camera wouldn’t focus.” However, the boyfriend made it work. “He’s a very talented guy.” Eventually, the photos made it to the Internet, with her cooperation.
Canadian filmmaker Rob Spence said recently that he would install a prosthetic eye with a camera and wireless transmitter (of the size now used for colonoscopies) into the socket from which one of his eyes had been removed as the result of a childhood accident. He hopes to control the prosthetic eye in the same way that his muscles control his good eye, to record what his eyes see, and his first project will be a documentary on people’s attitudes about privacy in an “Orwellian society.” “The best way to make a connection (with an interviewee) is through eye contact,” he said. “When you bring in a camera, people change.”
A 1970s-style San Francisco commune is organized around the practice of “orgasmic meditation” — for women only — in daily sessions that start promptly at 7 a.m. Men belong to the commune too, but are useful only digitally to the women and must remain clothed, according to a March report in The New York Times. The founder of the One Taste Urban Retreat Center, Nicole Daedone, 41, is considered by some former members to be running a “cult,” because of her dominant personality and ability to play on the vulnerabilities of her members, but the three dozen now in residence seem to admire her vision. One man said, according to the Times, that he had improved his own concentration at work (as a Silicon Valley engineer) through “the practice of manually fixing his attention on a tiny spot of a woman’s body.”
Americans’ Special Relationship with “Taxes”: It is not just that the secretary of the Treasury owed back taxes for years, or that two other presidential cabinet-level nominees owed back taxes. In January, federal prosecutors revealed that District of Columbia Council member Marion Barry, who was already on probation after a 2005 conviction for failing to file tax returns for the years 1999 through 2004, and subsequently almost tauntingly failed to file a return for 2006, has now doubled-down the taunt by failing to file for 2007. And in March, a Georgia state senator proposed punishment for the 22 members of the legislature who either owed back taxes or had failed to file returns for at least one year since 2002. The 22 were not identified, in compliance with privacy laws, but the Senate’s Democratic leader, Robert Brown, outed himself as one of the 22 in the course of calling his scolding colleague a “bloodsucker.”
In January 2008, London’s The Sun found a practitioner of a new art form in which a design is inked, with a tattoo needle, into the sclera, which is the white part of the eyeball. That volunteer (from Canada) may well be the only daredevil, or one of a tiny number, but Oklahoma state senators were alarmed enough that they passed legislation out of committee in February to ban the practice in their state. “If we can stop ... one person from doing it, we’ve been successful,” said Sen. Cliff Branan. An Oklahoma City tattoo artist told KSBI-TV that the law is useless, in that “common sense” will prevent the problem. (So far, only the senators from Oklahoma seem to believe they have constituents who might actually ask for ink to be inserted into their eyeballs.)
University of California researchers, on a Pentagon contract, announced in January success at rigging a live flower beetle with electrodes and a radio receiver to enable scientists to control the insect’s flight remotely. Pulses sent to the bug’s muscles or optic lobes can command it to take off, turn left or right, or hover, according to a report in MIT Technology Review, and the insect’s “large” size (up to a whopping four inches in length) would enable it to also carry a camera, giving the beetle military uses such as surveillance or search and rescue. The researchers admired the native flight-control ability of the beetle so much that they abandoned developing robot beetles (which required trying to mimic nature).
Why They Go Postal An official of the National Association of Letter Carriers in Buffalo, N.Y., said in February that it would challenge the Postal Service’s threatened suspension of a carrier who was using sidewalks to get from house to house this winter instead of walking across ice-packed, deep-snow-drift yards. Cutting across yards is required by Postal Service rules in order to speed up deliveries.
Though India is recognized as a world leader in promoting the health benefits of urine, its dominance will be assured by the end of the year when a cow-urine-based soft drink comes to market. Om Prakash, chief of the Cow Protection Department of the RSS organization (India’s largest Hindu nationalist group), trying to reassure a Times of London reporter in February, promised, “It won’t smell like urine and will be tasty, too,” noting that medicinal herbs would be added and toxins removed. In addition to improved health, he said, India needs a domestic (and especially Hindu) beverage to compete with the foreign influence of Coca-Cola and Pepsi.
One Industry That Needs No Stimulus: (1) Drug officials in California’s Mendocino, Humboldt and Trinity counties (north of San Francisco) estimated in January that two-thirds of the area’s economy is based on probably illegal marijuana farming (illegal under federal law, but permitted for medical use by the state). One federal agent told MSNBC, “Nobody produces any better marijuana than (they) do right here.” (2) In January, the director of the United Nations Office of Drugs and Crime acknowledged that during the bleak banking days of September and October 2008, with panic in the economy over the shortage of cash, often the main source available to some banks was drug dealers’ steady deposits of money to be laundered.
Poetry on the Rise: (1) Twelve local poets jumped into the frigid Green Lake in Seattle in December, just because they thought it would be a good way to publicize their art. “It’s not enough to write,” said one. “You need that audience.” (2) The Ontario Court of Appeal overturned the conviction of Antonio Batista in November, declaring that his “death threat” against a Missassauga city council member, in the form of a sonnet on long-neglected potholes, was more likely literary expression. (3) Jose Gouveia, 45, recently published Rubber Side Down, a book of poems by bikers about the open road (including 17-syllable “baiku”), some from the educationally upscale Highway Poets Motorcycle Club of Cambridge, Mass.
Can’t Possibly Be True An Oregon district attorney’s office set out two years ago to prosecute David Simmons for having sex the year before with his girlfriend, then 14, while he was 17. A grand jury in Jefferson County refused to indict Simmons, but the prosecutor acted exactly like the indictment had gone through, and no one, even Simmons, noticed the mistake. Only when Simmons agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a 30-day sentence in October 2006 did the news finally reach the foreman of the grand jury that had “no-billed” Simmons, and the foreman’s complaint caused the judge to dismiss the conviction. However, in December 2008, prosecutors in neighboring Lane County charged Simmons anew for that 2005 tryst, claiming that “double jeopardy” does not apply because the Jefferson County case never legally happened (in that Simmons was never really indicted).
