The Real Shizzle

by STAFF

Parking Spot Found in Benson

“I couldn’t believe my luck,” Nick Thomas said as he exited his car. He was just steps from Beercade, the quirky arcade-themed tavern in uber-hip Benson. “I was able to park along Maple Street! My horoscope said that amazing things were going to happen to me today but I had no idea it’d be something this fantastic.”

Not one to miss an opportunity, Thomas was planning on making the most of his good fortune. “I’m going to wait until 10:15 or so and then I’m going to start taking bids on my parking space.” It’s not an uncommon practice, he said, noting that spots in front of locations like the Waiting Room…

Another Sharp Dressed Man

by STAFF

Mayor’s Race Shakeup: McCheese leads

Omaha has seen its race for mayor turned on its head by the surprise inclusion of a second incumbent, Mayor McCheese, whose tenure in McDonald’s-land has led to both unprecedented French fry prosperity and childhood obesity. Conservative opponents Jean Stothert and Dave Nabity have tried to outflank the talking cheeseburger on social issues, suggesting his reliance on “fancy ketchup” and French Fries indicates an implicit support of a larger gay agenda. Meanwhile, mayoral candidate Jim Welch hopes to eclipse McCheese on the grounds that only one of them is a fictional talking food item, a position that may threaten Welch’s commanding lead among stoners with the munchies. Welch is believed to be linked…

Water: Tap or Bottled? Neither.

by Michael Braunstein

Air, water, food — humans need all three to stay alive. All are governed by the classic Rule of Threes: three minutes without air, three days without water or three weeks without food and the consequences are dire. That’s the acute return. But the long-term reality is that bad air, bad water or bad food will kill you just as certainly as no air, no water, no food. It’s just that it might take a little longer.

With springtime comes the melt and increased runoff. Readers may have already noticed that metropolitan tap water smells a tad different these days. In spring, water utilities responsible for meeting federal standards of potability must deal with more biologicals in the…

Cosmic Forecast, Mar. 21-27

by MojoPo

Dear Cardinal Aries,
Thanks for all the votes and the resultant “holy white smoke,” proving your approval after the most recent removal of the next to last Piscean Pope; heralding the return of St. Peter — according to Catholic Christian mythology and hope. A new age is dawning upon us, heralding a cosmic spring. Just as each astrological sign resolves what was lacking in the preceding sign, so each generation must resolve the disharmonies left by the preceding one. Each age solves its precedent dilemmas. Let us pray. Omnia gloriam de Deum. Thanks for electing me, MOJOPOPE, your “Guru of Vou Dou.”
—MOJOPOPlanetPower.com

a ARIES (3.20-4.18)  Wow! This is it! On your mark! Venus is…

Big Dance + Big East = Big Dreams

by Jason Krivanek

March madness indeed. It’s been a month like no other so far for the Creighton basketball program, and the Jays haven’t even put their dancing shoes on yet.

In the span of two weeks, the Jays fought their way out of a hole to capture their first outright regular season Valley title since 2001. Then Creighton and their fans stormed through the field in St. Louis to bring home the Arch Madness trophy, with junior phenom Doug McDermott becoming the school’s all-time leading scorer along the way. Then to trump it all, news came down that Creighton has been invited and is expected to join the Big East Conference starting next season.

“I don’t think it’s been…

Cosmic Forecast, Mar. 14-Mar. 20

by MojoPo

Happy spring, next week — when once again, we’ll speak. One more week to dream, and then it’ll be time to scheme a plan for your new scene. Nightie-night ’til then, my friend. —From the best-dressed barefoot man you know, the Golden Troll of Rock ’n’ Roll, MOJOPO.
—MOJOPOPlanetPower.com

l PISCES (2.18-3.19)  Last chance to rule/ride the mystical world/wave of your mind. Here come the pragmatic pioneers (Aries) to clear out all the debris and fears of last year’s psychological vagaries (guess who?), facilitating a decision to initiate something to create this year’s spark that ignites/flowers into the fire of your spring. Faith and begorrah! Finish all of your March meditations with a symbolic corned beef…

Feng Shui for the Body

by Michael Braunstein

Some of the sheen may have diminished yet the ancient Chinese art and science of feng shui remains stoically effective. There was a time recently when sit coms, stand up comics, news shows and New Agers couldn’t get enough of the intricate rubrics of the once-ignored practice. For a brief moment in time, the words feng shui were the punch line of jokes and the byline of New Age writers. All the while, many mispronounced it. For the record, it sounds out like this: fung (rhymes with tongue) schway (rhymes with say). Also for the record, the practice is thousands of years old and includes the art and science of placement of material objects in their physical relationships in…