by Ryan Syrek

Too long have I gone without demanding things! Too long has it been since I stood before the teaming throngs of Internet hordes and commanded that they contact me at {encode="film@thereader.com" title="film@thereader.com"} to get my address in order to have me try and promote products or to send me objects of my desire as one would offer a sacrifice to a Pagan God. So, um, I'm doing that now. For the uninitiated who have only discovered us after we gave our Web site it's first makeover in many fortnights, this is really just a place for me to show you some cool crap I found...mostly from ThinkGeek.com and Threadless.com. That doesn't mean I DON'T want you to send me stuff or that I'll send it back if you do. Hell no! I want free crap and I want it now! I'm just saying that the arrogant, demanding thing is just an act. Now, READ THIS DAMN COLUMN AND SEND ME SHIT!

Here are the three things I need you to give me this week:

1.) Because my ears are funny-shaped, apparently - Pity me. Since April, I've been running nearly every work day. I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean I run a few miles at lunch. But then my good headphones died and I was forced to use ear buds. This isn't a very sad story, I know, but bear with me. I can't get those things to say in my apparently dramatically misshapen ears whilst running. I'll be in the middle of a sweet Kanye track, hearing "Too many Urkels on your team/That's why your Winslow," then BOOM my ear expunges the headphone like a frat boy expunges overpriced alcohol at 3 in the morning. So what's the answer?

Sure, they're 50 bucks HERE, but can you put a price on such joy? Well I can, and it's 50 bucks. So I want em.

2.) I normally loathe sweet and salty mixes, but I shall make an exception - Why mess up salty and sweet? You like salty because it tastes salty. You like sweet because it tastes sweet? Mixed together isn't the best of both worlds, it's making the salty sweet and the sweet salty, negating the very reason you love each of them. Still, I make an exception for the following:

That dude is eating BioFeul CAFFEINATED POPCORN! Yeah, you read that right. That is popcorn with loads of caffeine in it. They need to start serving this during those God forsaken midnight shows I always seem to end up at. How great is this? Because I've tried popcorn and coffee and that is not a stellar combo. For you, BioFeul Caffeinated Popcorn, I shall allow the merging of salt and sweet, for the sum of your parts is truly greater.

3.) Because I want to end with whimsy - Finally, I give to you this:

That is a T-shirt of Piggy banks robbing a Piggy bank. And I love it. Admit it, you do too.

That's it for this week's wants and desires. I promise to ramp them up even further for the Holiday season! For now, follow me on Twitter, unless you want to lag behind the rest of the omniverse!

COMMENTS

(We're testing Facebook commenting (you can login using other services, too); please let us know if you have trouble.)