Ryan’s Junk Drawer

"With great junk, comes great responsibility" - Better Off Ted

It's been too long since you saw my junk. I'm embarrassed, but last Friday I just couldn't get it up. That sacred day that signals the beginning of the (week)end, the day reserved by a devoted legion of followers out there for rolling around in my junk, came and went with nary a peek. It wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last, but I do apologize for depriving you of my junk. How are you supposed to kick off the weekend without seeing it? It's what sets your course, gives you the direction for your free time. Why, without my junk, what would you think about all weekend? How are you supposed to get through those last few hours of your workweek without my junk?

Of course, by "junk," I mean my collection of movie tidbits and nuggets too small to warrant their own blog post. It's basically exactly what I'm doing the rest of the week, but I get to make more inappropriate references. Hey, you're lucky I didn't think of anything fart-based because, let's face it, farts are the Esperanto of comedy. We start each weekly edition of my junk by looking at the creepy-ass image above, taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I choose an item and make up a story about it for no good reason. It amuses me, and until someone tells me it's (A) pointless or (B) hilarious, I'm going to just assume it's everybody's most favorite thing ever.

Today's item is the battery in the middle. Some people were outraged after Michael Bay introduced the most racist characters not currently in the Tea Party, but hey, those are the breaks when you strike a deal with Satan. The dark lord demands that you wear a mullet for eternity and introduce characters that are one "mammy" away from inciting a riot. Them's the breaks. Luckily, one intrepid fan of robots that transform into other robot-like things had enough. Infused with a passion for social justice and one of the remaining cans of 4-Loko, the erstwhile chap began stealing the batteries out of the laptops on which the CGI monstrosities were conceived. Of course, given Bay's budget of 5 billion euros, this was a mere nuisance at best, but one brave soul managed to push the release of the third installment, Transformers: We're Going After Jews and Latinos This Time back 2 days. Small victory? Certainly. But when you're fighting the right hand mullet of an unholy beast, you take what you can get.

Okay, enough with that, on to the movie news. Oh, and I'm going with something new. In the interest of only wrangling this challenging booger of a system once a day, I'm going to stick the weekly box office predictions in the fourth spot here every week right before the trailers. What? It's like how you KNOW that the duct tape and the Phillips-head screwdriver are always in the junk drawer. There's comfort in that.

1.) Set photos make Ryan sad

If you listen closely, you can hear my brief hope for the new Spider-man film slip away in the space of one W-T-F. What do I mean?

Why does my Spider-man have a black bing bong? What's he doing to that Michael Bay impersonator? Why does the spider on his back appear to have gone on a celebrity starlet diet? Why does it look like he has ice skates on? Look, I get it. They can fix a LOT in post-production. This is likely going to be tinkered with like crazy and may end up looking good. Hell, at least they're TRYING a real costume (cough, Green Lantern looks like a rejected Cartoon Network pilot). I get it, but at the same time...dude...what the hell?

2.) Affleck + Clooney = Mad man love

Ben Affleck can direct anything he wants right now.

He's that hot. If he was like "I want to finally do my live-action Gummy Bears movie," it would be in pre-production faster than you can say Battleship. So it's encouraging that a man on as much of a roll as the 'Fleck has chosen wisely. He's in negotiations to direct a project for producer George "All I do is help Darfur and bang hotties" Clooney called Argo, which sounds awesome. It's about a real-life story in which CIA operatives rescued Americans in Iran during the hostage crisis by pretending to be shooting a sci-fi movie set in Iran. Seriously. Yeah, it may sound a little like The Informant meets Wag the Dog but that's not an insult. Plus, I don't think ALL the extras in Iran can have Boston accents. Although, that would be hilarious. This is a good idea and represents both a stretch and a nice change of pace from my boy Ben. Just don't mess up. Nobody around here threw away their "Damon's Bitch" shirts with your picture on it.

3.) Dude, do you REALLY want to star with a movie that has madness in the title?

Despite opening himself for an insane number of jokes...about his insanity...Tom Cruise is reportedly doing the "maybe" dance with Guillermo del Toro for At the Mountains of Madness.

I'm not saying it's not a potentially good movie with a great director, I'm just saying when you're trying to run away from a certain image, you don't star in a movie with that in the title. I mean, that would be like Ashton Kutcher starring in Mentally Challenged or Jennifer Aniston starring in Love Me...Please. I do like that this means the project will probably actually happen, a rarity for Lovecraft adaptations that are in any way aspiring to be faithful. And you know what? Cruise is actually a great choice for the part. He's a good actor, and this is the sort of material I think he handles best. So, let's see. And by let's see, I mean let's see how many jokes late-night talk show hosts are going to lob at ole toothy mccruise over this one.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

The same rules apply as usual, I'm just shoehorning this in here. The Super Bowl is this weekend, which means while I'm deciding whether it's worse to root for a team I despise more than anything that doesn't rhyme with Blenn Geck or a team with a rape-enthusiast on it, nobody is seeing movies. The biggest releases this week involve a Single White Female retread and a cave movie. Yeesh. Here's how I see it, haiku style.

1.) Sanctum - $12 million
James Cameron or not
this will not be a big hit
with non-spelunkers

2.) The Roommate - $12 million
Grr Minka Kelly!
And as far as the plot goes...
Grr...Minka Kelly!

3.) The King's Speech - $9 million
This non-best movie
keeps on racking up awards
and also my ire.

4.) No Strings Attached - $8 million
I love Natalie
but I have found my limit.
Kutcher negates her.

5.) The Rite - $7 million
Pardon me for this.
But if this is what is Rite
I'd rather be Rong.

Wildcard - The Green Hornet - 7 million
Better luck next time
This did not hit the jackpot.
Rogen, hit the bong!

5.) Trailers, Parked

For this week, we have sexy dancing,

First up is Freak Dance, a feature-length ACTUAL MUSICAL from The Upright Citizens Brigade. I love sketch comedy troupes, and when they go all-out in a full format, I usually enjoy myself (I'm thinking of you Derek Comedy). Here's what UCB has to offer...it involves rubbing.

Do you like your assassin films to involve young girls? Don't answer that. I really don't want to know. I do know that I like Cate Blanchett, I loved "Alias," and I adored Le Femme Nikita. Hanna pushes all those buttons.

This one makes me the happiest, as it is a run-of-the-mill, Apatow-styled, buddies-being-naughty comedy...only with a cast ENTIRELY made of ladies. Written by Kristen Wiig, this looks fantastic...and is 100% less likely to have jokes written by dudes trying to write funny stuff for chicks. Howsabout that? A lady-written comedy for ladies who love comedy? Here's Bridesmaids

That's it for my junk this week. I hope you enjoyed my junk. Tell your friends about my junk and follow me on Twitter (Dan Harmon, creator of "Community" retweeted me last night...so I'm a pretty big deal)!

posted at 03:13 pm
on Friday, February 04th, 2011

Ryan’s Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

First off, before I get to the usual "me joking around about showing people my junk" Thursday rigmarole, let me apologize for yesterday. Between the exciting new stuff we're about to unload all over your brains with the revamped Reader Web site and, you know, the job that actually pays for my life, I didn't get to blogging yesterday. Lo siento. I know that means you were deprived a "Things You Should Buy Me," but I'll make that up to you by doing one of those tomorrow. You can still buy me things on Friday, it works just as well. Also, I'm off Monday from the blogging. Hey, if this were more than a one-man junk show, I'd have backup. But unless this empty coffee cup or this Christmas ornament featuring The Swedish Chef for the Muppets I keep on my desk gain the ability to craft semi-offensive blog posts of moderate insight and limited information, that job is solely mine.

But you're not here to hear about this blog's nuts and bolts, you're hear to see my junk. For those keeping score at home, give me +14 points for finally thinking of putting the word nuts into a sentence about my junk. Anyway, when I talk about people waiting all week for a glimpse of my junk, I am not talking about what it sounds like I'm talking about (even though I like making it sound like I'm talking about what it sounds like I'm talking about). I'm talking about little, itty-bitty movie news nuggets that don't deserve their own blog posts. They think they're entitled, but they aren't. Sort of how I feel about a lot of Tuesday's elected officials. POLITICAL ZING!

We start off each week by looking at the image of a Junk Drawer up top. It's creepy, right? Maybe it's just me. It's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and for some reason always makes me think that it's from a serial killers house. Like, if the camera panned back from the angle that image was drawn from, you'd see someone wearing another person's face on their face. Just me? Okay, moving on. What I do is pick an item from said image, make up a wacky story about it, and entertain myself.

Today's item is the screw. Martin couldn't understand why it didn't catch on. "It looks like a screw," he would yell, "but it's ACTUALLY a children's vitamin!" It had taken him years at the pharmaceutical company to finally push through his idea: Nailz N' Screws - Kiddie vitamins. "You know, because kids love screws and nails! And who hasn't wanted to eat them." Although wonderfully nutritious, Martin just couldn't seem to get the FDA to approve. "Do they want their kids to die of scurvy?" Dejected, Martin brought his pet project home, where his children loved them. Right up until his son get tetanus from eating what he thought was a Vitamin A-packed treat. "Oooooh, right," said Martin, who now keeps the last remaining vitamins tucked safely away in his junk drawer.

Okay, enough already, let's get to some movie stuffs!

1.) But...but...none of you LOOK like Harley Quinn...OR MARION COTILLARD! - CBM, the only blog I can safely call "friends of this program" for having given me my one and only shout out, has broken the news that we may be in for multiple females in The Dark Knight Rises. This comes as great news for those who were worried about Chris Nolan's treatment of women (go google "Fridging"). Or not, I suppose he could mistreat MULTIPLE women as easily as one. I know that sounds callous, but hey, my brain is really insensitive today. It just told me a terrible joke to use later about Vera Farmiga, but I promise I won't. The scoop is that the following ladies are in talks for

Kacie Thomas

Charlize Theron - She is purty and, based on her performance on "Between Two Ferns" may be cooler than I thought. Also, she does that with her legs sometimes.


Vera Farmiga - Her name is funny, and in this picture she appears to be confused as to who failed to change these sheets or how she was talked out of her pants.

The first and last ladies are apparently battling for the role of Julie Madison, a socialite who will replace the 'sploded Rachel Dawes as Bruce Wayne's loin luster. The middle lady may be Sarah Essex, who was created by Frank Miller in Batman: Year One and is a detective with a relationship involving Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman). None of these ladies are apparently playing villains of any kind, which kills my Harley Quinn buzz. None of these ladies are also Marion Cotillard, who is the actress I want in this movie after seeing Nolan direct the crap out of her performance in Inception. I'm not giving up on my Harley Quinn hopes, but it's not looking good. Speaking of not looking good, join me in the next nugget please.

2.) Pay no attention to the man behind the beaver - You have to feel bad for the guy who wrote The Beaver. It's apparently a brilliant script. It lingered around Hollywood for years before finally being scooped up by big name director Jodie Foster and big name star Mel Gibson. Oops. Here's the poster.

After Gibson's douche rampage subsided, he made this movie, which I'm sure is quite good. For a total waste of humanity, Gibson's a damn fine actor. Then he had another douche-tsunami and became a wife-beating, double-strong racist (seriously, he wins every game of Creative Racial Slurs). So now this movie, which struggled forever to get made...because it's about a guy who only communicates to the world through a beaver puppet he found in the trash is now going to slip back into that weird limbo again. I feel bad for Foster and the other creative folks behind it. Not so much for Gibson the douche-a-saur. I actually want to see it, then I want Gibson to fall into a well. A deep well. With spiders. And vomit. And lava. A deep spider, vomit, lava well. That sounds fair.

3.) Now THAT is a sexy beast - So, you're saying that when Sexy Beast director Jonathon Glazer thought about who should star as "an alien on earth disguised as a mesmerizing woman who snares human prey using her voracious sexuality," he thought of this?I am shocked...SHOCKED! I mean, how is it that Miss Johansson, who has made a career out of downplaying her sexuality, has sprung to the top of Glazer's list for Under the Skin? By the way, am I the only one who wants to believe this is a weird sci-fi sequel to In Her Shoes? Something about the title makes me find that funny. Look, I love Scar-jo. She's smokin' hot, and I've had a thing for her forever now. I just want to see her do stuff that DOESN'T involve being smokin' hot and horny. She's a superhero...but it's a leather-bound superhero named Black Widow who poses seductively a lot. She's in a Woody Allen movie (or three), but somehow is sexier than any Allen character ever. Point is, she was so good and vulnerable/nuanced in Lost in Translation. Let's see if she can act. She should have starred in Gravity while she had the chance. Now it's "alien-who-sleeps-with-dudes-to-eat-them" time. Ugh.

4.) It's Shakespeare, only more apocalyptastical - I love me a good Shakespeare retelling. I can't wait for The Tempest, and now I'm geeked for Henry 5. It's going to star Michael Caine and Ray Winstone and is an apocalyptic take on Henry the Fifth. Really? Okay. That sounds, um, AWESOME! I mean, I love apocalyptic stuff AND Shakespeare. What could make this better?

Right, if you can read that, it says Gerard Depardeu is in this. Ooooh, apparently that's what was missing. I wish they'd have Steven Segal in it. I'd just love to see him doing the Bard's work. I believe it's what Shakey would have wanted. Anyway, this is bad-ass. I managed to work Steven Segal and bad-ass into a post on Shakespeare. Give me +23 for that.

5.) Trailers, parked - Finally, here are some trailers. I bookended today's edition. The first trailer is just...wow. The last one is fun. The middle one is a turd. So here's your trailer turd sandwich.

Sucker Punch is my friend Matt Lockwood's favorite movie. Oh, I realize he hasn't seen it yet, but this last trailer just confirmed he doesn't have to. This is pure visual paradise. I don't even care if there are words. Me likey. Me likey a lot. This guy is doing Superman. Everyone feel better about that now?
<object width="640" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PyXzQLvOJnQ&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PyXzQLvOJnQ&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="640" height="390"></embed></object><br />
Gulliver's Travels is going to be awful. There is nothing good that will come of this. If we die out as a people, this may be responsible. This is the day the comedy died.
<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kL9n3cxpCwQ?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kL9n3cxpCwQ?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br />
Blitz stars Jason Statham and is a thriller. That's all you need. Watch.
<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/h8quOsfmFto?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/h8quOsfmFto?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br />

Okay, that's it for today. Tomorrow I promise to give you things to buy me and we'll talk weekend stuff, okay? Have a good one!

Follow me on Twitter.

posted at 10:20 pm
on Wednesday, November 03rd, 2010


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