Artificially Intelligent

Transcendence

Dear cast and crew of Transcendence,

It sucks, but this happens sometimes. You’ve made a perfectly fine (albeit unremarkable) movie, and the critics, both professionals and those deputized by social media, have decided to work you over like you owe them money. It should take human rights violations for a film to score below Need for Speed on this year’s Rotten Tomatoes’ “freshness” scale.

...

entered on 04/18/14 at 01:25 PM | read more »



Slipping Mickey

Ernest & Celestine

Gather ‘round kids and hear a story from the days of yore, a time when artists drew cartoons with their actual human hands and not every children’s movie had covert sex jokes for ma and pa to chuckle at. It was a time before everything was glossy and smooth, before Pharrell and his hat dropped feel-good funky dance beats over computer animation in an attempt to market a soundtrack to a wider...

entered on 04/11/14 at 11:11 AM | read more »



Marvel Blockbusts a Cap

Captain America: Winter Soldier

With fight choreography pickpocketed from Baryshnikov and more leaping and bounding than Pooh’s friend Tigger on cocaine, Captain America (Chris Evans) makes beating the crap out of bad guys look downright pretty. Give directors Joe and Anthony Russo credit; bucking the law of diminishing returns, the brothers found a way to make the umpteenth superhero movie to be released in the last five...

entered on 04/04/14 at 09:47 AM | read more »



That Ship Cray

Noah

They gave the guy who made Requiem for a Dream $150 million to make a movie about Noah’s ark. Huh?! In Requiem, writer/director Darren Aronofsky had Jennifer Connelly connect with another woman via an unforgettable shared “experience.” So, if any exec at Paramount claims they didn’t think Noah would end up like this, they are real dumb.

It takes all of five minutes for Noah to deliver a...

entered on 03/28/14 at 08:55 AM | read more »



Quirking on Something Different

The Grand Budapest Hotel

To alter a phrase from Twain, who won’t mind because he’s dead, writer/director Wes Anderson repeated history until he figured out how to rhyme. Barring a brief foray into stop-motion animation, Anderson’s oeuvre for the last decade redundantly hit the same notes with the same instruments, producing repetitive, quirky music that hipsters totally liked before you did. Until now.

To alter a...

entered on 03/21/14 at 06:59 PM | read more »



Speedy and Irritable

Need for Speed

The most important thing to know before attempting to endure the lumbering bore that is Need for Speed is this: every single character in the film is unspeakably dumb. Presumably set in a world where humans never mentally evolved from an animal state, the movie features increasingly nonsensical behaviors by derpy morons whose ability to dress themselves is as impressive to us as their ability...

entered on 03/14/14 at 10:38 AM | read more »



Xerox Xerxes

300: Rise of an Empire

When director Zack Snyder’s opus of underwear modeling amidst geysers of animated blood, 300, first arrived eight years ago, no one expected a sequel. And not just because 299 of the 300 Spartans were way too dead to return. Technically, 300: Rise of an Empire isn’t a sequel: It’s a prequel…and a side-quel…and a sequel… Look, to fans of the first film, all that really matters is swordfight,...

entered on 03/07/14 at 10:46 AM | read more »


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Transcendence

A wildly average film that thinks it is brilliant.

GRADE
C


Ernest & Celestine

A kids movie for kids with kid jokes and kid themes.

GRADE
B+


Captain America: Winter Soldier

A kinetic crash of conspiracism and costumed crusaders!

GRADE
A-


Noah

Bible school by way of JRR Tolkien and Stephen King.

GRADE
A


The Grand Budapest Hotel

This madcap caper proves Anderson can do things (kinda) different!

GRADE
A


Need for Speed

If you're the "dumber" version of Fast and Furious, you lose.

GRADE
F


300: Rise of an Empire

A prequel, side-quel and sequel with the same style and carnage.

GRADE
B


The Wolf of Wall Street

DiCaprio crackles but the movie fizzles without taking a clear stance on Wall Street excess.

GRADE
B-


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