Next year, evil gets smokin’ hot

My best friend since middle school, Andrew, and I have never really fought. I mean, yes there was a disagreement about my athletic ability to jump out of a pool and a minor kerfuffle over whether or not there were actual lions or supernatural ones in a certain Val Kilmer movie, but those things didn't lead to body blows or gunfire. But we're men. Marginally so, one would argue given our various interests and dispositions, but biologically we have proof. So every once and awhile, when there are competing movie projects, he and I back a horse in the race arbitrarily and put our entire energy into that conflict with the other. There was the Volcano vs Dante's Inferno battle, the Antz vs Bug's Life war, and of course the bloody Deep Impact vs Armageddon conflict. Sadly, in almost every instance, each of us liked the other's assigned film better. But we may get another shot at this thing, as we have an upcoming cinematic battle fit for kings! We have Snow White and the Huntsman versus The Brothers Grimm's Snow White. Yes, we will have a duel of manly men, a verbal sparring match over which Snow White-based film is superior. Bow before our collective machismo.

And there is casting news afoot that would see two notable ladies square off too. While the former will be more action oriented, the latter will be directed by Tarsem, so both are attracting interesting lasses...not for the Snow White role, but for the Evil Queen. The Huntsman may feature....

Not to be outdone, the Tarsem project may land...

Holy casting conundrum, Batman! I don't even know what project I hope I am forced to back? I mean, Theron did that great interview on "Between Two Ferns," but Roberts has a better body...of work! Roberts has an Oscar, and Theron once dated a guy named Oscar! Theron is one of the most sought after actresses in Hollywood, and Roberts lives in Hollywood! Roberts hasn't made a movie worth watching in ages, while Theron has...okay they're even there.

If both projects survive to the point of creation, Andrew and I will wage war once more. One of us will be Team Blondie, the other Team Redhead. Neither of us actually caring about the stakes. It's huge, folks. Get ready.

Follow me on Twitter or I'll back the project that's competing with YOU.


entered on 12/14/10 at 11:24 AM | read comments »


Suddenly, the Internet is worth it

Well hello there, my bloggity devotees. It's Tuesday...as if you didn't know. And you all know what that means, right? It means nothing. Stick that in your "season of magic" pipe and smoke it.

Today was the Golden Globe nominations...but man are they depressing. I love watching the awards show itself, not just because of my sick fascination with arbitrary assessments of artistic merit, but because they let the attendees drink heavily. That's good entertainment (and probably bad policy thanks to the sobriety issues in Hollywood). The problem is, The Oscars at least attempt to pretend to reward the best work of the year. The Golden Globes just nominated Burlesque and The Tourist. Someone astutely pointed out that the category of Best Musical/Comedy at the Golden Globes may cross over quite notably with the Razzies award for Worst Picture. That's shocking. I know that the Hollywood Foreign Press Whores really want Angelina Jolie to come to the ceremony because they can't get enough of her Crypt Keeper physique. But seriously, her movie was a turd that turds would shun for being too turdy. The lack of True Grit completely? The double Depp nomination in a year he didn't do anything of value? THE NOMINATION OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN ITEM ON EARTH THAT MOST MAKES ME HATE EARTH? You're a joke, Golden Globes. A four-star, gold-plated piece of crap. How much do I NOT respect you? I'm pairing news of your nominations with a clip involving Yogi Bear.

This traveled around the interwebs like coax cables were covered in gasoline and a porn site lit a match. But if you haven't seen it, I give to you the best combination of two movies that don't belong anywhere near each other in all of history. It's not enough to make me want to see the movie, but I hope that the effects person who did this gets rich and famous. I will give them the best "good luck wish" you can give to an effects person: May you never work with George Lucas. Here's the genius:

When the music kicks in at the end: Perfection. I can think of no better thing to show you. I practically want to retire the blog after this. Watch it a few times. It's funny every time.

Follow me on Twitter or I'll have Boo Boo cap your ass.


entered on 12/14/10 at 10:31 AM | read comments »


Box Office Results - Weekend of 12/10/2010

Shhh! Don't look over here! STOP, I TOLD YOU NOT TO. See, if nobody pays attention, then no one will notice that the BOX OFFICE IS FADING LIKE A PUNCH-DRUNK BOXER! Seriously, after posting one of the worst Novembers on record, December ain't exactly tearin' it up. Narnia 3: Revenge of River Jesus is a dud, even in 3D. Nobody found the Jolie/Depp pairing believable. Hell, if it wasn't for Disney's Tangled, PR folks from the studios would be marching with pitchforks and torches just to distract us from the fact that nobody is seeing movies right now. Why is that I wonder? Oh...right...there's NOTHING GOOD OUT. Studios gave the last Harry Potter flick too much breathing room and everything else is pretty awful. There are some good things on the horizon, True Grit and Black Swan in particular, but things are looking lean this Christmas for the execs. Let's all take a minute to feel really bad for them. And for me, because boy did I biff this week.

Here are the results, haiku style:

1.) Narnia 3: No Mo' Narnia Please - $24.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 40%)

So much for this one. Looks like "The Final Battle" came early this time.

2.) The Tourist - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 76.5%)

No spark, all fizzle. Angelina Jolie sucks so bad, Aniston loves it.

3.) Tangled - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

One bit of good news: People still love kids movies... without Narnia.

4.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Not a bad outing, but not the series' best one. As the money shows.

5.) Unstoppable - $3.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Choo-choo goes bye-bye? This has hung on for too long. End of the line, pals.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82.5%

I'm better than this. Not that you can tell right now. Take my word for it.

Okay, that's it. Y'all have a happy Monday and let's meet tomorrow to enjoy it not being Monday.

Follow me on Twitter or Santa will fill your stocking with Reindeer poop.


entered on 12/13/10 at 10:09 AM | read comments »


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Ernest & Celestine

A kids movie for kids with kid jokes and kid themes.

GRADE
B+


Captain America: Winter Soldier

A kinetic crash of conspiracism and costumed crusaders!

GRADE
A-


Noah

Bible school by way of JRR Tolkien and Stephen King.

GRADE
A


The Grand Budapest Hotel

This madcap caper proves Anderson can do things (kinda) different!

GRADE
A


Need for Speed

If you're the "dumber" version of Fast and Furious, you lose.

GRADE
F


300: Rise of an Empire

A prequel, side-quel and sequel with the same style and carnage.

GRADE
B


The Wolf of Wall Street

DiCaprio crackles but the movie fizzles without taking a clear stance on Wall Street excess.

GRADE
B-


Stranger by the Lake

It's a Hitchcock thriller by way of Grindr.

GRADE
C+


That Ship Cray

They gave the guy who made Requiem for a Dream $150 million to make a movie about Noah’s ark. Huh?! In Requiem,...

more »


Quirking on Something Different

To alter a phrase from Twain, who won’t mind because he’s dead, writer/director Wes Anderson repeated history until he...

more »


Speedy and Irritable

The most important thing to know before attempting to endure the lumbering bore that is Need for Speed is this: every...

more »


Xerox Xerxes

When director Zack Snyder’s opus of underwear modeling amidst geysers of animated blood, 300, first arrived eight years...

more »


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