Two drops of awesome and scheduling news

First: Happy Friday. I mean that. Not in some bullcrap, mass-produced, consumer way. I really hope you're having a wonderful "Weekend Eve." Why am I in such a good mood? Let's move to...Second: I'm on vacation starting Monday. Will I blog? Yes. Will it be with the same frequency? Perhaps. Will it be as regular as a fiber-addict's bowel movements? Probably not. Just a word of warning for those who set their schedules by mine...so, nobody. Third: I have some fun Friday news that are in two unrelated installments:

George Clooney is the new Robert Downey Jr!

Yep, we're STILL talking about Gravity, the movie that will neither die nor live. Apparently, RDJ is out, the Cloonster is in, and the lady is....

Yep, Sandy B hauled some ass and got herself a big project! For some reason including these two makes me less interested in the project. I know Alfonso Cuaron is the one directing and writing it, but now instead of a claustrophobic character study set in space, I feel like we're getting a "get out of there before you run out of oxygen"/explosions in space type movie. I hope I'm wrong. Cuaron has pretty consistently delivered, and Clooney has a nose for good material (other than The American...which Roger Ebert is INSISTING is one of the best films of the year somehow). And I like Sandy B. I do. She seems like a good person...but her acting style is...let's say I feel like she really tries hard to be good. I respect that. It's just...okay, here's my best analogy: If you're only 5 foot 8, you can't be an NFL quarterback. I know, I know, Doug Flutie and all, but the best example I can give you is that she doesn't seem to have the unlearnable intangibles to be a really great actress. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my take. So the good news is (A) we're done with casting roulette for this movie and (B) we finally get to see what the fuss was about. Here's hoping it was worth the friggin' 2 months of stories and 20 posts on casting news.

Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman are pitching a project.

Seriously, this is how that pitch should go: "Hi, we're Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman and we'd like to pitch you a..." "Do it. Whatever you want. Do it now." Those two creative SOBs are just so good at what they do that denying them the right to do it is like making a bird walk from place to place. Let these crazy bastards fly, dammit! There's no plot outline, no script, nothing...but already it's on my radar. Kaufman is as good a writer as film has ever known, and Jonze continues to prove with offbeat short films and great feature work that he's one of the best young voices behind the lens. FOR GOD'S SAKE THESE ARE THE MEN BEHIND ADAPTATION AND BEING JOHN MALKOVICH. Give them what they want and no one gets hurt. Seriously, if we live in a world where Yogi Bear 3D is a reality and these two struggle for financing, then it's not the terrorists who have won...it's crap. Crap won. Don't let crap win.

Follow me on Twitter or the crap wins.


entered on 12/17/10 at 10:16 AM | read comments »


Ryan’s Junk Drawer for December 16

"With great junk, comes great responsibility" - Better Off Ted

And a good day to you, sinners and miscreants, ne'erdowells and troublemakers! It's a fine Thursday, which means you awoke this morning with thoughts of my junk on your mind. It's okay, I know it's true. Why this is the season that sugarplum fairies dream of my junk. When stockings are stuffed with thoughts of my junk (as opposed to the rest of the year when stockings stuff my junk). It's the hap-happiest season of all! Extra bonus points to the first person to write and record a Christmas novelty song primarily featuring my junk.

By now you know the drill: My junk does not mean what you think it means. If it did, I would either be arrested or elected to congress (or both). Instead, it refers to tiny tidbits of movie news too small to blow up into a big post. Instead, I gather them all underneath the image of a creepy-ass junk drawer (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN). I start off every week with a whimsical story about one of the items above. Today's item is the braid of hair. (WARNING: The contents of this story have been stolen from a story told to me by my father-in-law, wife, and brother-in-law). Suzie wanted a pony more than anything in the whole world. Even though she was a rotten, angry child who beat other smaller children and routinely caused her parents to wonder if Rosemary's Baby was a documentary, her desire for a small horse was so big that she behaved for an entire year. She didn't light ANYTHING on fire, nor did she endanger the lives of small woodland creatures. And for Suzie, that's progress. So come Christmas time, she was SURE that she would find herself the proud owner of a pony sure to be used as a getaway vehicle. When she unwrapped her last present she was confused...and enraged. Her parents quickly pointed outside, for where else would a pony be kept? She bolted out the door and found tied around a post a small braided rope that was frayed at one end. "I guess he must have gotten away," her parents said. Then they laughed. That warm feeling of a prank well played would soon fade beneath the ill-temper of a psychotic pre-teen.

Okay, enough of that nonsense. Let's get to the movie news too small to warrant more attention this week!

1.) Miramax is getting in the business of bad decisions - I'm fine with Bad Santa 2.

The first one had Lauren Graham looking hot and allowed me to find Billy Bob Thornton as vile as I always do and still enjoy the movie. So news that Miramax and new partners (or reunited old partners, depending on how you look at it) The Weinsteins are making a sequel is fine to me. Less fine is the following list of other movies they're considering sequels to:

  • Shakespeare in Love
  • Rounders
  • Bridget Jones’s Diary
  • Copland
  • From Dusk Till Dawn
  • Swingers
  • Clerks
  • Shall We Dance
  • The Amityville Horror

That's a big-bulging Santa bag full of doody-doody pie, isn't it? A Copland sequel? Really? Like we're all still wondering what happened to that one-eared dude Stallone played? A SWINGERS sequel? How do you capture lightning in a bottle like that again? Shall We Dance 2? Allow me to answer: No. No we shall not. I'm hoping that most of these are direct-to-video so I can pretend they don't exist. Oh, and I believe the official rules state that if you make a sequel to Shakespeare in Love the Oscar officially gets revoked. Bad ideas are afoot, y'all.

2.) Because Tom Cruise doesn't understand that people are still making fun of him - If you're Tom Cruise, don't you do ANYTHING to avoid unintentional laughs in your direction? I mean, if you want to make a comedy, that's fine. Then people are supposed to laugh at you. But if you think that starring in the big screen version of Rock of Ages won't get you mocked, you're craz....oooooooh, riiiiiight. The fact that Gwyneth Paltrow (shown below in bad-idea dress version) is in makes sense.

She can sing. Tom Cruise can't. I honestly think he believes this is a career-redeeming move and not another trip to the chuckle hut. Nobody has ever, ever benefited from singing 80s butt-rock tunes. Ever.

3.) What Oz was missing was dark violence - Remember Wizard of Oz.

No really, remember it because people are GOING to start sullying the crap out of it. In addition to that weird origin story of the Wizard that's coming from Sam Raimi and Robert Downey Jr, a slew of other strange projects are coming up. Why? Well, the characters are both familiar and in the public domain. So if you don't HAVE to pay money for brand recognition, the only thing stopping you is respect for the original work. Yeah, somehow that delayed things for a few decades, but no longer. Now we're getting stuff like a stop-motion version called Oz Wars. Don't worry though, it's written by the guy who wrote Space Chimps 1 and 2. That makes me think two things. First: There was a Space Chimps 2? Second: When he promises “a contemporary, freaky action-packed PG-13 audience pleaser, with Dorothy caught up in a whirlwind of warrior witches, black magic, martial arts and monsters.” What he means is "I will make what George Lucas supposedly did to your childhood look like a friendly hug from a kind grandfather." I know they won't leave Oz alone, but come on...there has to be SOME kind of standard, right?

4.) Wait? Scorsese's doing a movie with WHO? Oh...right... - Scorsese likes the same dudes.

His idea of change is having Leo DiCaprio wear different clothes and speak with a DIFFERENT Boston accent. So it's no surprise that The Irishman, his next flick, is going to star...Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci, and Al Pacino. This is great news for Pesci, who was last seen in the dumpster behind an apartment complex. Look, I don't mind reuniting most of the cast behind one of the greatest gangster movies of all time...and throwing Pacino in there. I think that's swell. I just want Marty to try new things. He is doing a kids movie kind of, so I can't bag on him too hard. Maybe it's that step he took outside of his box that made him freak out and run back to familiar ground. Hang in there, Marty. It'll all be okay.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Some really, really good ones this week. No joking around...okay, it's more like a good sandwich...with great bread and homoerotic lunchmeat in the middle. You'll understand in a minute.

Tree of Life is Terrence Malick's return to cinema. It looks pretty. I'm sure it will also be confusing and boring. Lots of people will like it and I will probably be on the fence. I'm just saying, it can't be worse than The New World. Yeesh that was boring. Have a look.

Fast Five is the next in the increasingly ridiculous series that sees Vin Diesel and Paul Walker trying not to kiss other dudes. Seriously, if you don't see the homoerotic tension in these movies, you are so far in denial it's ridiculous. Personally, I love it. Hell, the still that people are circulating around for the movie makes it look like Vin Diesel and The Rock are about to just have at it. So here you are: More homoeroticism that will be celebrated by homophobes. This series rules.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides may be great. Why? Well it does away with the dead weight of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, so we can finally focus on the only character we cared about anyway. I always thought there was more fun to be had with the series but those other characters sucked the life out of the movie. See what you think.

Okay, that's it folks. Hope my junk was satisfying as per usual! See you tomorrow for the weekend planning!

Follow me on Twitter...I love you.


entered on 12/16/10 at 10:36 AM | read comments »


Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 59)

This is the second to the last Things You Should Buy Me before Christmas. So it's Things You Should Buy Me before Christmas Eve. I am going to assume that most of you have made glorious purchases for me, you just haven't sent them yet because you don't want to ruin the surprise. It's either that or you don't think I've been a good boy this year, and I assure you I have been. In all seriousness, I'm trying to be responsible with this column and really show you cool stuff that you can get for nerdy friends of yours...and all of us have a little nerd in us, right? His name is Melvin and he lives in your pancreas.

Here are the things I think you should buy me (...fine...you can also buy these for other people) this week: 1.) I want to go to there - To me, there are three kinds of nerd merch: (1) - The kind that is dorky as all bejeesus but you don't care because it's so awesome; (2) The kind that you should, in fact, be ashamed of (it's why God invented walk-in closets); and (3) The kind that is so cool, it's almost not even a nerd thing anymore. Falling into that third category is the work of Justin Van Genderen. Inspired by the travel posters that everybody hangs everywhere these days, Justin made art for places I WOULD like to go:

Seriously, that's borderline classy. Sure, tiny Batman and itty-bitty Spider-man are there upon inspection, but otherwise that's just classy modern art. Justin has a few others, including Superman (if you're so inclined) and an awesome Fantastic Four one. Whichever one you choose, you will be the most upscale dork in your posse. Actually, what do we nerds travel in? Flocks? Gaggles? I'm going with gaggle. A gaggle of nerds. I like it.

2.) By the power of EBAY! - This is brought to you by Toplessrobot.com, who has a great list of nerd gifts for you who are indecisive about what to give the nerds in your life (hint - don't give a coupon book for physical touching...they will expire before use). My favorite on the list was something at one point I had:

Oh, Great Muppet Caper, how I would drink from your cups of awesome! True, you can't just order these from a retailer. You'll have to ebay that shit, but it's totally worth it. I mean, do you see the fine craftsmanship on those glasses? Why, I bet they have barely any lead-based materials in them! Wouldn't a nice glass of whiskey taste even better when supped from Miss Piggy's head? Yes. Yes it would.

3.) It's a repeat, I know - This Threadless shirt is (A) the only shirt I've repeated mention of and (B) on sale. B is part of the reason for A. In addition to that, zombies are just everywhere these days. Most shirts are cute, but few are just awesome. If you were to encapsulate the coolest aspect of a zombie apocalypse on one bad-ass looking shirt, it would go like this:

Boom. Perfect zombie shirt. Don't say I never did anything for ya. Well that's it for this week. I promise to hit one out of the park next week, even though by then it will be too late to order something that will arrive for Christmas. Don't blame me, blame the calendar yo.

Follow me on Twitter or I'll feed you to the zombie horde.


entered on 12/15/10 at 10:42 AM | read comments »


Page 113 of 124 pages « First  <  111 112 113 114 115 >  Last »

Transcendence

A wildly average film that thinks it is brilliant.

GRADE
C


Ernest & Celestine

A kids movie for kids with kid jokes and kid themes.

GRADE
B+


Captain America: Winter Soldier

A kinetic crash of conspiracism and costumed crusaders!

GRADE
A-


Noah

Bible school by way of JRR Tolkien and Stephen King.

GRADE
A


The Grand Budapest Hotel

This madcap caper proves Anderson can do things (kinda) different!

GRADE
A


Need for Speed

If you're the "dumber" version of Fast and Furious, you lose.

GRADE
F


300: Rise of an Empire

A prequel, side-quel and sequel with the same style and carnage.

GRADE
B


The Wolf of Wall Street

DiCaprio crackles but the movie fizzles without taking a clear stance on Wall Street excess.

GRADE
B-


Marvel Blockbusts a Cap

With fight choreography pickpocketed from Baryshnikov and more leaping and bounding than Pooh’s friend Tigger on cocaine,...

more »


That Ship Cray

They gave the guy who made Requiem for a Dream $150 million to make a movie about Noah’s ark. Huh?! In Requiem,...

more »


Quirking on Something Different

To alter a phrase from Twain, who won’t mind because he’s dead, writer/director Wes Anderson repeated history until he...

more »


Speedy and Irritable

The most important thing to know before attempting to endure the lumbering bore that is Need for Speed is this: every...

more »


>