Squash the Spider, Man!

The Amazing Spider-man 2

Spider-man’s new costume looks swell, and Emma Stone is charming. Those are the only two things about The Amazing Spider-man 2 I didn’t hate with the fiery anger of a thousand exploding suns. Every other performance, every last bit of dialogue and plot, every character beat, every joke, every garishly cartoonish action sequence can die a painful, prolonged death before languishing in the bowels...

entered on 05/02/14 at 10:53 AM | read more »



Sex Will Kill You

Under the Skin

Director Jonathan Glazer and writer Walter Campbell’s Under the Skin joins the smallest movie subgenre: brilliant but batshit insane. Inarguably gorgeous and insatiably intriguing, if I were forced at gunpoint to explain the “point” of this one, I’d end up with a new orifice.


Guesses as to the major thesis: Sex is bad? Women are the gatekeepers of sex and lure men into destruction with...

entered on 04/25/14 at 10:49 AM | read more »



Artificially Intelligent

Transcendence

Dear cast and crew of Transcendence,

It sucks, but this happens sometimes. You’ve made a perfectly fine (albeit unremarkable) movie, and the critics, both professionals and those deputized by social media, have decided to work you over like you owe them money. It should take human rights violations for a film to score below Need for Speed on this year’s Rotten Tomatoes’ “freshness” scale.

...

entered on 04/18/14 at 10:50 AM | read more »



Slipping Mickey

Ernest & Celestine

Gather ‘round kids and hear a story from the days of yore, a time when artists drew cartoons with their actual human hands and not every children’s movie had covert sex jokes for ma and pa to chuckle at. It was a time before everything was glossy and smooth, before Pharrell and his hat dropped feel-good funky dance beats over computer animation in an attempt to market a soundtrack to a wider...

entered on 04/11/14 at 10:49 AM | read more »



Marvel Blockbusts a Cap

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

With fight choreography pickpocketed from Baryshnikov and more leaping and bounding than Pooh’s friend Tigger on cocaine, Captain America (Chris Evans) makes beating the crap out of bad guys look downright pretty. Give directors Joe and Anthony Russo credit; bucking the law of diminishing returns, the brothers found a way to make the umpteenth superhero movie to be released in the last five...

entered on 04/04/14 at 10:49 AM | read more »



That Ship Cray

Noah

They gave the guy who made Requiem for a Dream $150 million to make a movie about Noah’s ark. Huh?! In Requiem, writer/director Darren Aronofsky had Jennifer Connelly connect with another woman via an unforgettable shared “experience.” So, if any exec at Paramount claims they didn’t think Noah would end up like this, they are real dumb.


It takes all of five minutes for Noah to deliver a...

entered on 03/28/14 at 10:33 AM | read more »



Quirking on Something Different

The Grand Budapest Hotel

To alter a phrase from Twain, who won’t mind because he’s dead, writer/director Wes Anderson repeated history until he figured out how to rhyme. Barring a brief foray into stop-motion animation, Anderson’s oeuvre for the last decade redundantly hit the same notes with the same instruments, producing repetitive, quirky music that hipsters totally liked before you did. Until now.

To alter a...

entered on 03/22/14 at 01:59 AM | read more »


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Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A



War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


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