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Film

The Bacon of Blockbusters

 

Unlucky Harms

 

Mocku-Dracu-mentary

 

Don’t Watch Once

 

Awful, Not Full of Awe

 

Define “Run”

 

Ending in the Middle Earth

 

World’s Greatest Mom

 

Chap-Hazard

 

Leni Riefen-stalling

 

Dogged Determination

John Wick killed three guys with a pencil.

John Wick is so good at killing, he had to bury his guns beneath a cement floor just so he wouldn’t keep murdering.

John Wick will shoot you in the face, even if his face is by your face. John Wick wants to shoot you in the face that much.

If you aren’t picking up on it, John Wick is ridiculous. Directed by long-time stuntmen David Leitch and Chad Stahelski, it is...


Lucy Goosey

It doesn’t work this way with people, but there’s a level of confident stupidity a movie can display that makes it endearing. Lucy is that kind of stupid. Cocksure and confidently, it swaggers around, daring you to question any of the unimaginable number of scientific inaccuracies it hurls. You can practically hear writer/director Luc Besson just off screen whispering, “What are you gonna do, doubt our scientific...


Everyone is Awful

Warning to newly engaged couples: Do not see Gone Girl, a movie that makes marriage look like The Hunger Games with slightly more alleged sodomy. Writer Gillian Flynn, adapting her own novel, filters her twisty-turny whodunit (if there even is an “it” to be “whodun”) through the worst possible take on humanity. These are barely human beings and more like piles of awful shaped to resemble people. These unpersons are...


Worst. Children’s Book. Ever.

The horror genre is not my least favorite genre solely because white people keep making period costume dramas. At their worst, horror flicks revel in sadism and do so shoddily, with weak acting, sparse storytelling, frequent misogyny and amateurish cinematography. Writer/director Jennifer Kent ain’t about that life. Filled with layers of rich meaning, two spectacular performances and whizz-inducing frights, Kent’s...


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Ex Machina

A brilliant bit of science fiction that works like a tense stage play.

GRADE
A+

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If you have sex, a demon monster will haunt you. That's just science.

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Furious 7

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'71

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A mocumentary about vampires that actually has teeth.

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Kill Me Three Times

Dueling assassins bore in this rip-off of Tarantino, who is himself a notorious ripper-offer...

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