Sad People Sadly Staring

Ida

If the blurb for a movie contains the words “Nazi occupation” and “dark family secret,” you can safely assume it won’t one day play on Comedy Central. Ida is permeated with such thick, dank sorrow that I began counting the number of times any character smiled. I had to open it up to “not explicitly frowning” before someone cracked the scoreboard.  This isn’t to say Ida is overly pessimistic; the...

entered on 05/22/14 at 01:18 PM | read more »



Atomic Blast

Godzilla

Repent! The end is nigh! For unto them shall come a lizard with a beer belly, barfing atomic breath and bringing despair and sadness to Heisenberg from “Breaking Bad!”

It’s safe to say that the ad campaign for director Gareth Edwards' Godzilla reboot sold an apocalyptic product that seemed to be in line with the grim n’ gritty, death n’ destruction blockbusters that are en vogue these days. From...

entered on 05/16/14 at 12:21 PM | read more »



Hazy Hazings

Neighbors

Let’s start with something that’s apparently really, really hard for edgy comedy people to grasp: jokes about rape or the N-word suck, and you suck for using them. Yes, you are allowed to make them; they aren’t illegal or anything. But saying “nothing is off-limits in comedy” makes you sound like a pretentious wang who thinks humor is some kind of miracle drug. Laughter isn’t literally “the best...

entered on 05/11/14 at 05:18 PM | read more »



Squash the Spider, Man!

The Amazing Spider-man 2

Spider-man’s new costume looks swell, and Emma Stone is charming. Those are the only two things about The Amazing Spider-man 2 I didn’t hate with the fiery anger of a thousand exploding suns. Every other performance, every last bit of dialogue and plot, every character beat, every joke, every garishly cartoonish action sequence can die a painful, prolonged death before languishing in the bowels...

entered on 05/02/14 at 10:53 AM | read more »



Sex Will Kill You

Under the Skin

Director Jonathan Glazer and writer Walter Campbell’s Under the Skin joins the smallest movie subgenre: brilliant but batshit insane. Inarguably gorgeous and insatiably intriguing, if I were forced at gunpoint to explain the “point” of this one, I’d end up with a new orifice.


Guesses as to the major thesis: Sex is bad? Women are the gatekeepers of sex and lure men into destruction with...

entered on 04/25/14 at 10:49 AM | read more »



Artificially Intelligent

Transcendence

Dear cast and crew of Transcendence,

It sucks, but this happens sometimes. You’ve made a perfectly fine (albeit unremarkable) movie, and the critics, both professionals and those deputized by social media, have decided to work you over like you owe them money. It should take human rights violations for a film to score below Need for Speed on this year’s Rotten Tomatoes’ “freshness” scale.

...

entered on 04/18/14 at 10:50 AM | read more »



Slipping Mickey

Ernest & Celestine

Gather ‘round kids and hear a story from the days of yore, a time when artists drew cartoons with their actual human hands and not every children’s movie had covert sex jokes for ma and pa to chuckle at. It was a time before everything was glossy and smooth, before Pharrell and his hat dropped feel-good funky dance beats over computer animation in an attempt to market a soundtrack to a wider...

entered on 04/11/14 at 10:49 AM | read more »


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The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


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