Strike 5 and I’m Out

Hollywood still stubbornly refuses to make a blockbuster flick about the College World Series, despite my repeated emails proposing When Metal Bats Go Ding. They have, however, repeatedly drank from the well of America’s pastime, with scores of movies about baseball (92% of which feature Kevin Costner). Here is the definitive top 5 baseball movies ever made. And you can trust me on that because...

entered on 06/16/14 at 09:29 AM | read more »



Sequel, Heal Thyself

22 Jump Street

Pretend you were excited for the big screen version of 21 Jump Street. Yeah, nobody believes you. Writers Michael Bacall and Jonah Hill teamed up with directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller for the most hilarious, self-aware adaptation of a Richard Greico television show ever attempted. A sequel was inevitable. Yet somehow this sequel is far better than we deserve.

As promised at the end of...

entered on 06/13/14 at 11:08 AM | read more »



Control-Z Cruise

Edge of Tomorrow

Every time Tom Cruise, the greatest modern matinee idol, makes a new movie, everybody rushes to fuse artist and art and spews out some variation of “I just don’t like him anymore.” America’s collective moral stance seems to be that we should never forget that someone belongs to a douchey faith but we should purge memories of other horrid things actors have done, like domestic abuse. Disagree?...

entered on 06/06/14 at 10:28 AM | read more »



So Choose One, Seth

A Million Ways to Die in the West

It would be easier to shrug off writer/director/actor/egomaniac Seth McFarlane’s blatant racism and misogyny if he was funny or had a point. Alas, he isn’t and he doesn’t. A Million Ways to Die in the West is McFarlane’s laborious love letter from himself to his own stupid face and is a continuation of his brotastic brand of “edgy comedy,” which is really just saying awful shit and coyly winking...

entered on 05/30/14 at 10:23 AM | read more »



Era of Yesterday’s Tomorrows

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Of the many things that director Bryan Singer would like to hide and forget, the X-Men movies made without him should be nowhere near the top of his (allegedly) vile list. Still, clearly at Singer’s behest, X-Men: Days of Future Past sticks its fingers in its ears and yells “nananana I can’t hear you” when it comes to preserving the continuity of a film series that has been drudging on for a...

entered on 05/23/14 at 09:15 AM | read more »



Sad People Sadly Staring

Ida

If the blurb for a movie contains the words “Nazi occupation” and “dark family secret,” you can safely assume it won’t one day play on Comedy Central. Ida is permeated with such thick, dank sorrow that I began counting the number of times any character smiled. I had to open it up to “not explicitly frowning” before someone cracked the scoreboard.  This isn’t to say Ida is overly pessimistic; the...

entered on 05/22/14 at 01:18 PM | read more »



Atomic Blast

Godzilla

Repent! The end is nigh! For unto them shall come a lizard with a beer belly, barfing atomic breath and bringing despair and sadness to Heisenberg from “Breaking Bad!”

It’s safe to say that the ad campaign for director Gareth Edwards' Godzilla reboot sold an apocalyptic product that seemed to be in line with the grim n’ gritty, death n’ destruction blockbusters that are en vogue these days. From...

entered on 05/16/14 at 12:21 PM | read more »


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John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


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