Um, Forgettable

Total Recall

If you’ve ever seen an online profile picture, chances are you’re familiar with the pursed-lips, craned-neck, supposedly slimming contortion known affectionally as “the duckface.” Total Recall is the sci-fi tale of a quasi-postapocalyptic duckface war between Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel, with Colin Ferrell as the judge. At least, that’s what this remake of an adaptation of a short story,...

entered on 08/03/12 at 11:54 PM | read more »



Savage Beauty and The Beasts

Beasts of the Southern Wild

They should hand out oxygen tanks before each screening of Beasts of the Southern Wild because writer/director Benh Zeitlin’s debut feature film takes your breath in the very first scene and plays keep away with it for more than 90 minutes. When people kvetch about the abundance of remakes and sequels while whining about how “there are just no new ideas anymore,” tape their eyes open and play...

entered on 07/28/12 at 06:48 AM | read more »



Who Watches The Watch, Man?

The Watch

Seeing as how it has an extraterrestrial plot, let’s describe The Watch using an astronomical metaphor. Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill and Richard Ayoade are like comedic planets that orbit a central, burning sun…and that sun is made entirely of penis jokes. Someone spent $70 million to make a movie in which aliens only die if you shoot them in the pee-pee, in which an alien is killed by...

entered on 07/28/12 at 05:55 AM | read more »



Got Ham?

The Dark Knight Rises

From Christian Bale’s bark to Hans Zimmer’s “gonna getcha” score, if director Christopher Nolan has driven one point home in his Bat-films, it has been this: “Take my films seriously, yo.” From meditations on the fine line between vengeance and justice to the moral ambiguity of using high-end technology “for the greater good,” this Bat-trilogy has cleverly and successfully fused “real world”...

entered on 07/20/12 at 07:41 PM | read more »



Taylor Can’t Kitsch a Break

Savages

Ask former “Friday Night Lights” actor Taylor Kitsch what he did this summer, and if he’s honest, he will tell you he set his career on fire. Yes, let us weep for Kitsch and his Greek God physique, overflowing bank accounts and unquestionable green light to mate with whomever he wishes! In the span of 2-plus months he has flopped (John Carter), floundered (Battleship) and flubbed (Savages) his...

entered on 07/13/12 at 05:43 PM | read more »



Never Go Full Burton

Moonrise Kingdom

It’s not writer/director Wes Anderson’s fault that since he burst on the scene with what is still his best film, Bottle Rocket, he has become a hipster demigod. Even when The Royal Tenenbaums hit, tattoo mustaches on fingers and scarves in the summer were but a glimmer in the eyes of youth who would go on to appropriate the word irony in a way that is ironically ironic. Throw a pebble at an...

entered on 07/01/12 at 03:12 AM | read more »



Inappropriate Arachnid Adjective

The Amazing Spider-man

Ugh.

Because there’s no way for me to do this that isn’t personal, I may as well go all out.

Spider-man means a lot to me. Like, a lot a lot. As a gangly, nerdy kid often on the wrong side of juvenile taunting, Peter Parker’s experience wasn’t a stand-in for my life; he was living it. I mean, other than the whole super powers and inexplicably hot girlfriends part.

Because of Spider-man, I...

entered on 06/28/12 at 11:00 PM | read more »


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The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


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