I Immediately Regret This Decision

Beautiful Creatures

It has been claimed by the defendant, Mr. Ryan Syrek, that the film Beautiful Creatures is neither “reductive Twilight barf” nor “derivative young-adult hormonal daydreaming” but that it is, instead, “charming and kinda fun.” The prosecution points to Mr. Syrek’s questionable celebration of such films as Miss Congeniality 2 and Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters as evidence of his compromised...

entered on 02/22/13 at 07:06 PM | read more »



Die Hardly

A Good Day to Die Hard

John McClane (Bruce Willis), the hyper-violent man perpetually wrong in place and time, has always been Rambo by way of “grumpy cat.” The only thing that makes Die Hard actually Die Hard is the surly sense of humor McClane spouts whilst committing copious homicides. Sadly, A Good Day to Die Hard turns him into a boring dick who you wish would find death a little less difficult to embrace.

A...

entered on 02/15/13 at 08:00 PM | read more »



Faint Pulse Praise

Warm Bodies

“Warm” is the ultimate ‘tweener temperature. It’s not “hot” or “cold;” it rejects extreme or definitive categorization. It’s the thermometer equivalent of “meh.” So, it’s fitting that writer/director Jonathon Levine’s film sports the noncommittal word as the lead in its title. Warm Bodies is completely okay. It is resplendently fine. It is immeasurably pretty good. Sadly, it really hoped to be...

entered on 02/09/13 at 05:04 AM | read more »



Restless Leg Syndrome

Side Effects

Feel free to call director Steven Soderbergh’s latest film (and potentially last, if you believe his retirement threats) a wacky mallard because it is one odd duck. If a Hitchcock movie took a Dateline NBC segment behind the art house theater and got it pregnant, Side Effects is what would emerge from the birth canal. Like Frankenstein’s monster or fans of “Two Broke Girls,” this film shouldn’t...

entered on 02/09/13 at 04:42 AM | read more »



Only Kinda Good, Fellas

Gangster Squad

Nothing brings back memories of Sean Penn’s history as a serial domestic abuser like watching him revel in a man being drawn-and-quartered by automobiles. What a weird choice to take a cheesy, scene-chewing, 1940s mob-boss role at this point in his career. Cross-apply the same bewilderment to the decisions of Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling and Josh Brolin. Nick Nolte and Giovanni Ribisi? No, that...

entered on 01/30/13 at 06:09 PM | read more »



Diabetes: The Real Monster

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Hansel (Jeremy Renner) has diabetes. This is not a throwaway character trait, not a bit of bizarre nuance in a quasi-steampunk re-imagining of a Grimm fairy tale. The fact that Hansel must stop combatting the forces of darkness whenever his wrist-alarm-thingie goes off so he can inject himself with insulin is a full-fledged, God’s honest plot point in writer/director Tommy Wirkola’s film. Oh,...

entered on 01/30/13 at 06:07 PM | read more »



Check Out Some Hot Briefs

Oscar-Nominated Short Films


The 2013 Oscar-nominated Shorts sizzle
Ryan Syrek

Outside of the unspeakable fame and groupies, the best part of being a movie critic is getting a peek at stuff you may otherwise never see. One of my favorite annual traditions is checking out what the Academy felt were little films worthy of a little guy made of gold. This year’s group is cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die (no takebacks) the...

entered on 01/25/13 at 11:24 PM | read more »


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Nightcrawler

A condemnation of crime pornography with a chilling central character.

GRADE
A


John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


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