Two Truths and a Lie

Chickity check it out, y'all. This is me blogging two days in a row!

And we kick today in the short pants with a little game they used to play as an ice breaker at functions where people don't know each other well...like prison holding cells. It's called "Two Truths and a Lie," and today's celebrity host is none other than Chris "I may have made the best movie of the year but now people are suddenly not mentioning me for an Oscar even though I deserve one" Nolan. As you may have heard, when he's not directing mind-bending original films, Nolan dabbles in superheroes. That makes it sound like he touches Aquaman in the green speedo area. What I mean is, he's gearing up to direct The Dark Knight Rises , a title that's only silly if Catwoman is in it. Get it? Anyhoodle, Nolan had this to say about the upcoming Bat-flick and the upcoming Superman re-re-start. I'm going to paraphrase here, but he said that this IS his last Bat-endeavor and that even though he and David Goyer "had an idea they couldn't believe wasn't being explored by Warner Bros" for Superman, they are going to stay hands off and let Zack Snyder do his own thang up in that Superman bizness. Those things seem to be fairly straightforward (sorry, slow news day) and honest.

Now the lie. They're bringing Heath Ledger back for the next Bat-a-palooza using CGI for a cameo.

Yeah, I know, even the Joker seems to be saying "Ninja, please" on this one. I get the concept, because they want to link the movies together into a woven trilogy. And there is a way to do that now, as I've stated several times before. What's that? You want to hear my brilliant idea again? Okay, if you insist.

All you have to do is start the movie with a woman who picks up the phone and is told something to the effect of "You're on." She then becomes Harley Quinn, taking over what the Joker was trying to do. Basically, we find out that she was the next wave of attack the whole time, as The Joker knew he would either be killed by Batman as he wanted or that Batman would stay good and only capture him. This was his plan B. You can then just show a locked, sealed Arkham door with "The Joker" written on it and that would be that. I cannot see good taste and reason allowing Nolan to CGI this thing. Animated zombification isn't the way to treat a friend. That's a rule to live by.

Come on, follow me on Twitter, you know you want to.


entered on 12/01/10 at 04:22 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for December 1

  • Lindsay Lohan has fallen so far she can no longer effectively be counted on to appear as a porn star, a role for which I assumed she had been training for a decade now. Malin Ackerman (Watchmen) is landing in the deep throat of Linda Lovelace, replacing Lohan in Inferno. If “jumping the shark” refers to sitcoms embarrassing themselves past their prime, can “failing at porn star” be the new slogan for a big-screen flameout?

  • I now like Mark Wahlberg. He may appear to be a humorless over-muscled jagoff, but I love impressions of him talking to animals and at a press junket for The Fighter he confirmed he would NOT star in The Crow and made fun of The Happening. After admitting the movie was crap, he expounded with “F***ing trees, man. The plants? F*** it. You can’t blame me for wanting to play a science teacher. At least I wasn’t playing a cop or a crook.” Well played, Funky Bunch. Well played.

  • News that morons are re-re-remaking Buffy the Vampire Slayer into a movie without the help of creator Joss Whedon will not result in widespread violent riots or organized displays of anger. It will, however, totally ruin the mood at several Dungeons and Dragons games and Internet forums. Thanks for lameness, Warner Brothers.

  • The director of the awesome animated sequence in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Ben Hibon, is going to direct a dark reworking of Peter Pan called Pan in which Pan is a villain hunted by a police captain named Hook. Because what the story of an ageless flying boy who kidnaps young girls using “magic dust” needed was to be slightly creepier.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 11/30/10 at 06:26 PM | read comments »


And now…Deep Thoughts from Michael Bay

Greetings douchebags and ugly people,

It's me, Michael Bay, the only motherf**ker still rockin' McGuyver's hairstyle. A lot of you subhuman pig people who watch my movies and have made me so rich that attractive women will sleep with me despite my vile personality and morally bankrupt soul have been spreading rumors that the 3D in Transformers 3 is looking as awful as Bad Boys 3's plot. Excuse me? You non-Michael Bay pussies want to talk about a Michael Bay movie? You egg-sucking stupidfaces would dare to tell another egg-sucking stupidface that a Michael Bay movie looks bad? As if I wasn't the guy who birthed Armageddon into this world, providing salvation for all those who would look upon Ben Affleck's suddenly pristine teeth? For those of you knuckle-dragging suckwads who don't regularly visit MichaelBay.com, likely because a court order has barred your sick ass from using the internet, my official statement was:

“Wow, I read these morons on the internet who think they are in the know. ‘We have have problems with our 3D????’ Really? Come into my edit room and I will show you beautiful 3D. There has never been a live action show that has pushed the boundaries of 3D like Transformers 3.”

That was a quickly written first draft of what I wanted to say to you pea-brained gutter eaters. I don't feel I used nearly enough exclamatory punctuation and I forgot about Caps Lock. So allow me to expand: NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF EYES HAS ANYONE SEEN THE BALL-DRAINING, SOUL-DEVOURING AWESOMELY AWESOME AWESOMENESS THAT WILL BE TRANSFORMERS 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK I DEMEANED WOMEN IN MY MOVIES BEFORE??????? YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET UP-IN-THAT-ASS WITH MY MISOGYNY3D LENS!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT I HAD SOME RACIST ROBOTS BEFORE????&*@&#???? I HAVE 3D ROBOTS THAT ARE INSULTING TO EVERY ETHNIC GROUP, INCLUDING ESKIMOS!!!!!!! JUST LOOK FOR THAT IGLOO-TRANSFORMING ROBOT...IN 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In conclusion, if you don't sell Victoria Secret underwear, you shouldn't even be speaking my name out loud. Never forget, I have been made into a peanut M&M...A PEANUT M&M!

So until such time as you are depicted with chocolate and nut, I don't want to see your cake-hole flappin', got it? Love always, Michael Bay


entered on 11/30/10 at 04:43 PM | read comments »


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