Ryan’s Junk Drawer (1/21/11)

"With great junk, comes great responsibility" - Better Off Ted

You can always tell how excited I am by my junk. If my junk seems all peppy and wild, it's probably a good indication that I can't wait for what this weekend will bring. There's no doubt in my mind that given the Chicago Bears playing for the NFC Championship on Sunday, my junk will indicate how thrilled I am, how unbelievably stoked I am. If you were to say to me, "Hey, Ryan...you seemed so excited that your junk was out of control," it wouldn't surprise me. You know what, I don't care! It's a Chicago Bears playoff weekend so my junk will be as crazy as it wants!

Obviously, by junk I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant including in other posts. I collect it in my "junk drawer," because I find it allows me to make lewd jokes easier. We begin each weekly peek into my junk drawer by taking a look at the creepy-ass image above, taken from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN! I then pick an item and write a story that makes no sense about it. Nobody ever comments on said story or has ever indicated that they enjoy me doing this, but just like Kanye West, I do whatever I want to because it's cool now. Today's item is the fuzzy thing wrapping beneath the battery thing in the middle. Knowing that the Bears would be undermanned and outgunned by Aaron "I walk on water, resuscitate drowning puppies, and poop bricks of gold" Rogers, they had to do something. It was too late to bring in new players or new coaches, but it wasn't too late to go voodoo on the Packer asses. With a pair of scissors and a plane ticket to Bristol, Lovie Smith tracked down a sleeping Mike Ditka. What Smith knew, what all of us know, is that Ditka's power...was always in his mustache. With a quick but quiet clip, Smith slunk out of Ditka's palatial estate the proud owner of a new mustache. He'd hide it in a drawer for now, but come game day, with the power of the mustache in his pocket, no Packer could possibly survive!

Enough tomfoolery, let's do this thing! Here are the stories that comprise my junk this week:

1.)RDJ comes to his senses while Johnny D loses his - Despite coming off like a petulant douche-hole at the Golden Globes, I think Robert Downey Jr is a smart fella. Now. He's a smart fella now. Not so much with the drugs and the breaking and entering, the modern RDJ makes great career choices (other than The Soloist...dude...what happened there?). So it's no surprise to me that he's punting a role in The Great and Powerful Oz, because the first A-hole who biffs up the legacy of The Wizard of Oz will get gotten the hardest. So with him out of the role of the Wizard in Sam Raimi's upcoming unnecessary crapping on the yellow brick road, the person who steps in will have to be thick-skinned and bankable.

That's right, it's looking like Johnny the Whore is sizing up the Wizard's cloak. Quick side note: How does Johnny Depp know when he's done dressing? Is there like an accessory limit he reaches? He looks like he killed and ate a hipster and is wearing its remains. Anyway, Johnny D is more than willing to step in to whatever poopity poop role is out there these days, and this is just another example of that. I don't know when he caught Samuel L Jackson-itis, but if he does take on this after doing what he done to Wonka and Alice, I have to reevaluate my tolerance for this France-living, vagrant-dressing mophead.

2.)You should get two Knightleys for a Cotillard - Cronenberg's Cosmopolis could be brilliant. When it was Cronenberg's Cosmopolis starring Cotillard, it was damn near a sure thing. But then Marion got impregnated by someone insanely lucky and now Cronenberg traded a Cotillard for a Knightley. Seriously, though, that can't be the proper exchange rate, can it? You should get two of these for one of Cotillard.

By the by, does Knightley even do movies that don't require her to dress in dated costumes? I just figured she has some sort of deep corset addiction, or at the very least has an allergic reaction to modern fabrics. Someone told me they liked her in costume dramas, to which I responded "then her career must be a wet dream for you." Anyway, the jury is still out on her talents, and this movie is one that's going to lean heavily on a weird feel to work, which means she'll have some heavy lifting to do...and those arms don't scream "heavy lifting" to me.

3.)You can't remake Lethal Weapon...right? - Truth time: You can remake anything if you do a good job with it. It's true. Inherently, there may be no reason to do it, but if you do a good job at it, nothing "can't be remade." Except Lethal Weapon. Why? Well because you are really NOT remaking Lethal Weapon when you remake Lethal Weapon. You're just making a new buddy cop movie. Oh, sure, you can CALL the character Riggs and Murtaugh, but it doesn't mean anything. Those characters were once-in-a-lifetime hits with audiences. Maybe I'm not explaining myself right...when you recast Lethal Weapon and rewrite Lethal Weapon and make slight changes, you don't have Lethal Weapon anymore. You have, I don't know, one of the thousand or so wacky buddy cop movies out there. So despite this, they are remaking the film, presumably with a non-racist in the lead.

4.)This is the 7-year-old object of a werewolf's affection - I don't usually spoil movies that aren't even made yet, but if you watch the Twilight movies, you've already read the books. That's just a fact. The crossover is 100%. Nobody says "I only like the movies." I will declare that an indisputable fact. So it won't bother anyone that I'm about to make a ton of jokes regarding how Mr. Lautner and his fabulous abs are going to have to try to fall in love with this.

That's how Remesmee is going to look. She's 7 and "reaches full maturity quickly" or some such absolute horseshit. You want to talk about the creepiest thing you will EVER and I mean EVER see or hear in a movie, I present to you the character who will have a full-grown, muscular adult in love with her. I just can't put into words for you how ridiculous this is. Maybe I can...it's so insane I kind of want to see this last movie. For realz. But then I would break that 100% stat I gave you up front. Ooooh, do I make a liar of myself and see the most messed up finish to a movie series ever, or do I keep my dignity and miss out on batshit insanity...only time will tell.

5.)Trailers, parked - Finally, here are some trailers for you, the most notable of which is the first one, which is a non-remake sequel to an old movie...something that somehow now feels dignified in our modern era.

Scream 4 could well suck. Or not. I don't know. Someone help me by weighing in on the trailer here.

Red Riding Hood could well suck. Or not. I don't know. Someone help me by weighing in on the trailer here.

Rubber will suck. It will. I know. But everyone should weigh in on the trailer here and then go see the movie because it's about a G.D. possessed tire killing people. That's...it's just...sorry, I'm trying to type through tears...it's just so beautiful.

Okay, that's my junk for this week. I need your full love and support for my Bears right now, so drop everything else and begin prayers and witchcraft.

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entered on 01/21/11 at 09:48 PM | read comments »


Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 62)

Make you a deal: If you somehow have the ability to influence that outcome of the Bears/Packers game on Sunday, you can feel free to never buy me anything again provided you get me a Bears "W." I would be able to even offer more than just not buying me something. I would give you something. Something reasonable. Like my home.

But since I think the only folks who will influence the outcome are the players (yawn), it's time once again for me to insist that you give me awesome free stuff. If you're keeping score at home, I think if you multiply the three items I list every week times the 62 times I've asked for them and divide the number I've actually received (3), you'll see that my batting average is 1.6%. Awesome! That means 98.4% of the things I show you never get sent to me by contacting me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) (and asking me for my real address, which I will give you...provided you don't have an email address like imgonnastabyou@ihatesyrek.com. Today's items are particularly radical, so you're going to want to get me these fast. I want to play with all of them.

So to recap: If you can get the Bears to win, you owe me nothing. If you can't, buy me the following:

1.) Regular chess? Howzabout LASER CHESS, BITCHES!?!?!?! - Thinkgeek one-ups the geekiness of chess with a game involving f**king lasers.

How nerdy is a game that makes chess seem absolutely lame as hell. "I want to intellectually stimulate myself with a rousing round of the game of kings! Anyone for some chess?" "I don't think so. Why don't we play a game with the nuances of piece movement like chess, but that directly involves the use of a f**king laser. Yeah, that's right. A laser. I AM KING OF THE NERDS!" Seriously, if this is even passably fun to play, I want it. I can sit there with a laser pointer for hours and entertain myself, so the threshold is low here.

2.) Dudes can have diaries, right? - Uncommongoods has the answer to my diary needs. Not that I need a diary. I tried to think of an Anne Frank joke here that walked the appropriate line of taste and edgy comedy, but then I remembered to look at the tattoo I had put on my hand, Memento-style. It reads "Don't make jokes about terrible human tragedies." You'd be surprised how useful that is. Speaking of useful:

It seems so simple, but where else am I supposed to keep my five mint stubs from The Phantom Men...I mean a good movie that everyone likes and no one will laugh at. I like stub collecting, so this works for me. If it doesn't work for you, get your own column where people don't buy you the things you ask for.

3.) What the what? - Uncommongoods has an item that staggered me.

That's a "Film Festival in a Box." And it is a cool as shit idea. Apparently it includes four independent films, short films, that you can watch together, critique and enjoy, and then go online and discuss it in forums, potentially with the filmmakers. Um, hello, that's the best idea ever. I can't believe this is the first time I've heard of this. What a cool concept. Tired of playing Yahtzee with your friends? I mean...tired of playing a cool game that everyone respects with your friends? Try this! I don't know that this will single-handedly save the independent film industry, but I am damn tempted to try it. So buy it for me.

Okay, that's it for this week. Get ready, my junk is coming tomorrow.

Follow me on Twitter, where I will have more movie thoughts interspliced with my Bears obsession.


entered on 01/20/11 at 10:17 PM | read comments »


Tuesday’s Daily Dump (1/19/11)

Doodily doo...nothing to see here today...no news that would send shockwaves across the interwebs, wrinkling the brains and uncorking the loins of nerds or anything...squiddy squoo...I'll just sit here twiddling my HOLY ANNOUNCEMENT (that isn't the 10 commandments), BATMAN!!! We bagged ourselves a kitty!

image

Anne Hathaway, who I'm on the fence about as an actress (not as someone to look at, where there is no argument), is going to be Selina Kyle. Following in the tight leather of Halle Berry, Hathaway can be assured that she has the one role everyone is more than willing to see remade...and not just because it means seeing her presumably in something heavily spandexy. The problem is, I'm not sure Hathaway's the right gal for the gig. Why? Well, I think she can play goofy in a goofy movie and straight in a straight movie but not straight in a goofy movie. What do I mean? Say what you will but Maggie Gyyylllllllenhaaaaall (that's the right spelling, right?) acted the crap out of her role in The Dark Knight. She did. She tried so hard to make it seem like her stuff was compartmentalized, as though she were in a drama and everyone else was in some goofy superhero movie. The problem here is that Hathaway I think may be prone to playing up the costumed-shenanigans. I say this because she's been circling just about every comic movie out there (reports had her IN the original Spiderman 4 cast). I am also not sure I like the inclusion of such a garish, loud, obviously comic booky character in the world Christopher Nolan created. I guess we'll have to wait to see who the bad guy is before we make a judgment.

OH MY GOD WE KNOW WHO THE BAD GUY IS!

Tom Hardy is going to play Bane, who is known in the comics for snorting drugs that make him look like a shitty Mexican wrestler and for snapping Batman's spine. Hell, that'd be a way to definitively end this installment of the trilogy, right? Leave Christian Bale in a wheelchair. Somehow I don't think so. Look, the internets are going to devour these stories. One side will tell you that the inclusion of these two characters has damned the trilogy forever. The other side will hail this as "THE Batman movie I've always wanted to see." I don't know which it will be, but I know I have faith in Nolan, and so should you. It's going to come down to the script, to the consistency with the other films, and to the acting that's done up on screen. This won't stop me from rampant speculation as to what I think is going to happen, but until I see the costumes and hear the plot, I'm going to keep cautious optimism alive.

There are other stories today, but they pale in comparison. Still, here they be:

The new X-men look like crap.

Sorry to my boy Matthew Vaughn, and hopefully this is just a bad promo picture, but this "cascading heads" photo from X-Men: First Class sucks like it was a Green Lantern cast photo.

Seriously, Beast looks like he's droppin' a deuce, everyone looks photoshopped in, Magneto looks like Gaius Baltar from "Battlestar Galactica," and the costumes look awful. At least January Jones is hot.

No JJJ? No WAY WAY WAY!

Rumors have it that the reason we don't know who will play JJJ in the new Spidey movie is that there will be no J. Jonah Jameson in the next Spidey movie. LAME! The day after the internet kinda confirms the mechanical web shooters (via Emma Stone saying "a device" is used...I was gonna make a "that's what she said" joke there), the internet takes away by removing a classic, vital character. You can't have Spidey without the Daily Bugle. You can't have the Daily Bugle without JJJ. Thus, by the transitive property, I declare this stupid.

This is awesome

One more chance to prove how on-track Marvel is. Folks, this is as cool a photo as I have ever run. I cannot wait...I CANNOT WAIT! I would describe more, but I don't need to.

Home fires are burning

Alexander Payne is returning to Nebraska. I mean, not the state, he already lives here. I mean the script. It's a father/son roadtrip movie CALLED Nebraska, so I see why he wanted some distance between Sideways, a roadtrip movie, and this one. Personally, I couldn't be happier, if only because I love watching the man's work...especially when it takes place in my home state. Folks, I declare this a pretty awesome day. Now I just need a pretty awesome weekend (specifically on Sunday).

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entered on 01/19/11 at 11:13 PM | read comments »


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The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

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D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Lucy

A girl ingests a drug that makes her God. For real.

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C+


Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Those damned apes are back and anything but dirty.

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B+


We Are the Best

Set in Stockholm in 1982, this is punk rock female adolescence at its finest.

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A


Snowpiercer

Awesome, literal class warfare on a train that holds the only humans that survived the new ice age.

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A-


Obvious Child

Billed as a comedy, this is actually a sophisticated, empathetic look at a crucial issue.

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B+


Grade A-Holes

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Lucy Goosey

It doesn’t work this way with people, but there’s a level of confident stupidity a movie can display that makes it...

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Fuzzy Focus

Time has whittled mainstream memory of the original late 1960s/early 1970s Planet of the Apes franchise down to an image of...

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Punk was always as much about the mentality as the sound, as much about rebellion for rebellion’s sake as it was...

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