Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 57)

Too long have I gone without demanding things! Too long has it been since I stood before the teaming throngs of Internet hordes and commanded that they contact me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) to get my address in order to have me try and promote products or to send me objects of my desire as one would offer a sacrifice to a Pagan God. So, um, I'm doing that now. For the uninitiated who have only discovered us after we gave our Web site it's first makeover in many fortnights, this is really just a place for me to show you some cool crap I found...mostly from ThinkGeek.com and Threadless.com. That doesn't mean I DON'T want you to send me stuff or that I'll send it back if you do. Hell no! I want free crap and I want it now! I'm just saying that the arrogant, demanding thing is just an act. Now, READ THIS DAMN COLUMN AND SEND ME SHIT!

Here are the three things I need you to give me this week:

1.) Because my ears are funny-shaped, apparently - Pity me. Since April, I've been running nearly every work day. I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean I run a few miles at lunch. But then my good headphones died and I was forced to use ear buds. This isn't a very sad story, I know, but bear with me. I can't get those things to say in my apparently dramatically misshapen ears whilst running. I'll be in the middle of a sweet Kanye track, hearing "Too many Urkels on your team/That's why your Winslow," then BOOM my ear expunges the headphone like a frat boy expunges overpriced alcohol at 3 in the morning. So what's the answer?

Sure, they're 50 bucks HERE, but can you put a price on such joy? Well I can, and it's 50 bucks. So I want em.

2.) I normally loathe sweet and salty mixes, but I shall make an exception - Why mess up salty and sweet? You like salty because it tastes salty. You like sweet because it tastes sweet? Mixed together isn't the best of both worlds, it's making the salty sweet and the sweet salty, negating the very reason you love each of them. Still, I make an exception for the following:

That dude is eating BioFeul CAFFEINATED POPCORN! Yeah, you read that right. That is popcorn with loads of caffeine in it. They need to start serving this during those God forsaken midnight shows I always seem to end up at. How great is this? Because I've tried popcorn and coffee and that is not a stellar combo. For you, BioFeul Caffeinated Popcorn, I shall allow the merging of salt and sweet, for the sum of your parts is truly greater.

3.) Because I want to end with whimsy - Finally, I give to you this:

That is a T-shirt of Piggy banks robbing a Piggy bank. And I love it. Admit it, you do too.

That's it for this week's wants and desires. I promise to ramp them up even further for the Holiday season! For now, follow me on Twitter, unless you want to lag behind the rest of the omniverse!


entered on 12/01/10 at 05:24 PM | read comments »


Two Truths and a Lie

Chickity check it out, y'all. This is me blogging two days in a row!

And we kick today in the short pants with a little game they used to play as an ice breaker at functions where people don't know each other well...like prison holding cells. It's called "Two Truths and a Lie," and today's celebrity host is none other than Chris "I may have made the best movie of the year but now people are suddenly not mentioning me for an Oscar even though I deserve one" Nolan. As you may have heard, when he's not directing mind-bending original films, Nolan dabbles in superheroes. That makes it sound like he touches Aquaman in the green speedo area. What I mean is, he's gearing up to direct The Dark Knight Rises , a title that's only silly if Catwoman is in it. Get it? Anyhoodle, Nolan had this to say about the upcoming Bat-flick and the upcoming Superman re-re-start. I'm going to paraphrase here, but he said that this IS his last Bat-endeavor and that even though he and David Goyer "had an idea they couldn't believe wasn't being explored by Warner Bros" for Superman, they are going to stay hands off and let Zack Snyder do his own thang up in that Superman bizness. Those things seem to be fairly straightforward (sorry, slow news day) and honest.

Now the lie. They're bringing Heath Ledger back for the next Bat-a-palooza using CGI for a cameo.

Yeah, I know, even the Joker seems to be saying "Ninja, please" on this one. I get the concept, because they want to link the movies together into a woven trilogy. And there is a way to do that now, as I've stated several times before. What's that? You want to hear my brilliant idea again? Okay, if you insist.

All you have to do is start the movie with a woman who picks up the phone and is told something to the effect of "You're on." She then becomes Harley Quinn, taking over what the Joker was trying to do. Basically, we find out that she was the next wave of attack the whole time, as The Joker knew he would either be killed by Batman as he wanted or that Batman would stay good and only capture him. This was his plan B. You can then just show a locked, sealed Arkham door with "The Joker" written on it and that would be that. I cannot see good taste and reason allowing Nolan to CGI this thing. Animated zombification isn't the way to treat a friend. That's a rule to live by.

Come on, follow me on Twitter, you know you want to.


entered on 12/01/10 at 04:22 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for December 1

  • Lindsay Lohan has fallen so far she can no longer effectively be counted on to appear as a porn star, a role for which I assumed she had been training for a decade now. Malin Ackerman (Watchmen) is landing in the deep throat of Linda Lovelace, replacing Lohan in Inferno. If “jumping the shark” refers to sitcoms embarrassing themselves past their prime, can “failing at porn star” be the new slogan for a big-screen flameout?

  • I now like Mark Wahlberg. He may appear to be a humorless over-muscled jagoff, but I love impressions of him talking to animals and at a press junket for The Fighter he confirmed he would NOT star in The Crow and made fun of The Happening. After admitting the movie was crap, he expounded with “F***ing trees, man. The plants? F*** it. You can’t blame me for wanting to play a science teacher. At least I wasn’t playing a cop or a crook.” Well played, Funky Bunch. Well played.

  • News that morons are re-re-remaking Buffy the Vampire Slayer into a movie without the help of creator Joss Whedon will not result in widespread violent riots or organized displays of anger. It will, however, totally ruin the mood at several Dungeons and Dragons games and Internet forums. Thanks for lameness, Warner Brothers.

  • The director of the awesome animated sequence in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Ben Hibon, is going to direct a dark reworking of Peter Pan called Pan in which Pan is a villain hunted by a police captain named Hook. Because what the story of an ageless flying boy who kidnaps young girls using “magic dust” needed was to be slightly creepier.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 11/30/10 at 06:26 PM | read comments »


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The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Get Fassbent

So the whole time, Michael Fassbender wears this giant, papier-mache-style head and mumble-sings gibberish lyrics about...

more »


Fall? Oh, me!

I’ve reviewed movies professionally for more than a dozen years. The few weeks immediately surrounding the end of summer has...

more »


Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

more »


Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

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