Box Office Results - Weekend of 12/10/2010

Shhh! Don't look over here! STOP, I TOLD YOU NOT TO. See, if nobody pays attention, then no one will notice that the BOX OFFICE IS FADING LIKE A PUNCH-DRUNK BOXER! Seriously, after posting one of the worst Novembers on record, December ain't exactly tearin' it up. Narnia 3: Revenge of River Jesus is a dud, even in 3D. Nobody found the Jolie/Depp pairing believable. Hell, if it wasn't for Disney's Tangled, PR folks from the studios would be marching with pitchforks and torches just to distract us from the fact that nobody is seeing movies right now. Why is that I wonder? Oh...right...there's NOTHING GOOD OUT. Studios gave the last Harry Potter flick too much breathing room and everything else is pretty awful. There are some good things on the horizon, True Grit and Black Swan in particular, but things are looking lean this Christmas for the execs. Let's all take a minute to feel really bad for them. And for me, because boy did I biff this week.

Here are the results, haiku style:

1.) Narnia 3: No Mo' Narnia Please - $24.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 40%)

So much for this one. Looks like "The Final Battle" came early this time.

2.) The Tourist - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 76.5%)

No spark, all fizzle. Angelina Jolie sucks so bad, Aniston loves it.

3.) Tangled - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

One bit of good news: People still love kids movies... without Narnia.

4.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Not a bad outing, but not the series' best one. As the money shows.

5.) Unstoppable - $3.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Choo-choo goes bye-bye? This has hung on for too long. End of the line, pals.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82.5%

I'm better than this. Not that you can tell right now. Take my word for it.

Okay, that's it. Y'all have a happy Monday and let's meet tomorrow to enjoy it not being Monday.

Follow me on Twitter or Santa will fill your stocking with Reindeer poop.


entered on 12/13/10 at 05:09 PM | read comments »


By Odin’s scrotum!

Greetings! I hope you had a wonderful weekend filled with shopping and much mirth and merriment. I borked my back shoveling, and the Chicago Bears lost to the New England Patriots 389 to -12. That score may not be accurate but it perfectly encapsulates the feeling of the game. Thus, let it be said that I face this Monday with all the positivity and energy of a roadkilled skunk. I have the Christmas spirit of Glenn Beck's bizarro counterpart (wait, I may be that way normally). I have the work ethic of Yogi Bear (the cartoon layabout and not the CGI abomination coming to wreak havoc on your soul and drop excrement in your brain this holiday season). In short, I need a superhero to save this Monday.

By the might of Odin's cankles! By the power of Odin's empty eye socket sweat! I must say, that was a particularly fun little trailer, right?! I mean, I enjoyed myself with all the kicking and the punching, but then Natalie Portman ran in slow-motion and I was all "hellooooo NURSE!" She's actually a nurse in the movie. That makes that joke really funny.

Thor was always going to be a tough sell. All the other Marvel movies have taken place clearly in the "real world." You know, the "real world" where people make full suits of armor that fly and stuff. Bridging the gap between the "magic" and the "science" isn't going to be totally as easy as having Thor say something like "in my world, they're the same thing." Oh, and your world is an ancient place where Gods dwell...there goes that science stuff you were just talking about. So here's what Thor really has to do: be cool and fun. I know that some of the first stills from the movie got savaged by online bloggers...but those same online bloggers were mysteriously quite silent when those turd-a-licious Green Lantern images came out. I wonder if that had something to do with most of those same bloggers having been given a set visit to the latter and not the former. Hell, even when the trailer for The Green Lantern debuted to the pomp and circumstance of a pigeon fart, looking like something some lonely, abstinent-by-other-people's-choice nerd put together in his basement, most bloggers said "just you wait, we saw the set and good things are coming." I don't care how many good things are coming for that Green Lantern movie: The suit looks awful, the supporting aliens look goofy, the tone seems all wrong, the acting is off, I could go on. Yet, somehow Thor was being poked fun at by folks?! Well, I hope this trailer restores the sanity. Everything looks right about this to me. From the over-the-top Hopkins yelling to the lightning-aided power slam at the end. It's Thor. If you don't like it, you don't like Thor. And that's cool, because not everybody likes everything. But just like the second Hulk movie was as close to the Hulk as anyone will ever get, this looks to be as close to Thor as a Thor movie will ever be.

So, quick recap: Thor looks fun. The Green Lantern looks like a fanboy hate crime. That's all.

Follow me on Twitter to hear more deep thoughts like these.


entered on 12/13/10 at 04:48 PM | read comments »


Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions for December 10

Nothing happened yesterday and today. I don't mean literally. People did stuff and things. Just nobody did anything particularly noteworthy. You can always tell thin movie news days based on when sites run things like "Videos of the Day" that are goofy or drop shots of new posters like it warrants a whole post unto itself. I mean, Matt Damon MAY be talking about starring in the new Neill Blomkamp movie, Guillermo Del Toro is starting a production company, the Thor preview drops soon...but when people are running double-removed rumors about secret projects, covering stories about someone's new production shingle, and are DESCRIBING shot-by-shot what a trailer that is going to be posted soon WILL look like, you know it's a good day to sit back and take it easy. That's the Cutting Room guarantee: In the absence of real and/or truly interesting news, I will either do nothing or run a photo of Evangeline Lilly. Possibly both.

So there you go. Now, moving on to the box office stuff. The new Narnia is going to hit this week and will determine if they're going to wrap everything up with at least one more movie. There's apparently something that happens called "the last battle" in this series. If you drag us through 7 hours of things like a River Jesus and poorly CGI horsie things, you should really at least shoot the "last battle." So I hope that it does well enough to warrant that. Given the built-in Christian audiences, there is at least that chance. The other flick, The Tourist, is going to sizzle then fizzle. I predict a nice opening before a total kersplat. And not just because better movies are opening, but because people have apparently forgotten that Angelina Jolie, while good at philanthropic work and formerly beautiful (before she became the skeleton of someone who used to be beautiful), is a terrible, terrible actress. Never good. Never. So there are your new movies that will heat things up.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Narnia 3: Mo' Narnia Mo' Problems - $48 million

It's Lion Jesus! He will save you with growling! That's the take-home theme.

2.) The Tourist - $25 million

Hey, it's Johnny Depp! And Angelina Jolie?!?!?! That's all this has got.

3.) Tangled - $15 million

Disney Princesses will always be popular. CGI or not.

4.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - $9 million

Okay, we're ready. Bring on the final chapter. No more foreplay, K?

5.) Burlesque - $3.5 million

I can't keep this up. This must leave the top 5 now. Please make that happen.

WILDCARD - Unstoppable - $3.5 million

Enough with the train. This has run its course by now. Emergency STOP!

Okay, that's it. You have a great, safe, fun holiday-time weekend. Be merry and stuff, or I'll tell Santa. He and I are boys. I'll also tell him if you don't follow me on Twitter.


entered on 12/10/10 at 06:49 PM | read comments »


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Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1

Half of what promises to be an epic conclusion to a fabulous series.

GRADE
B+


Birdman

A delirously fun satirical send up of artistic pretension. 

GRADE
B+


The Overnighters

"The Grapes of Wrath" in documentary form set in North Dakota.

GRADE
A-


Interstellar

If this was humanity's last hope, give up.

GRADE
D


Nightcrawler

A condemnation of crime pornography with a chilling central character.

GRADE
A


John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


The Burden of Actual Christianity

Most praise for writer/director Jesse Moss’s documentary, The Overnighters, has rightly been focused on its Steinbeckian...

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Awful, Not Full of Awe

Preposterous, pseudointellectual, poorly constructed, clichéd, impenetrably masculine, goofy and possessed of an...

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News-sploitation

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Dogged Determination

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