Ryan’s Junk Drawer for December 2

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I know what you're thinking so I'll just say it for you: You have been in desperate need of my junk ever since I took my junk away from you. You've laid awake at night thinking of my junk, dreaming about it. Wondering "When...WHEN GOD? WHEN IS RYAN'S JUNK GOING TO RETURN TO ME?!" The answer, my dear, is not blowing in the wind but popping up online. My junk is back for you to enjoy.

Obviously, by "junk" I am referring to the movie tidbits that are too tiny to warrant their own full blog post and not the unsavory, untoward inferences you were making while giggling in your cubicle or dimly lit den. This isn't that kind of blog...now that we've made the move to this classier design anyway. We begin each weekly installment of my junk drawer by examining the picture above, a creepy-ass drawing from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN that terrifies me to my core. For some reason I can't think of right now, I decided to start each column out by choosing an item from that drawing and writing a goofy backstory for it. The practice stuck, and now I'm doing it again because I respect tradition and superstition.

Today's item is the green and red...thing in the lower right. Having hunted the elusive Loch Ness monster for something like 40 years, Bessie felt she finally had the breakthrough she needed. A weird-smelling, floppy haired boy and his oversized Great Dane had contacted her to let her know that "like, we totally saw the Loch Ness monster, like." The dog nodded, as though he understood, which wasn't reassuring for Bessie but she would take what she could get. After a few days of investigating with a group of homeless teenagers who live in a van, all of whom enjoyed dated neckware, Bessie saw what she had dreamed of for decades. The scientist in her vanished and she jumped on what appeared to be the creature. Her exhilaration quickly turned tragic when her grip slipped and she was left holding an inside out, green and red mask. Despite Farmer Grady's apologies, Bessie went back with only a smelly mask and a hole in her heart filled with dreams of finally proving to her family that she hadn't pissed away decades in search of a fictional creature.

Okay, enough, let's get to the movie tidbits too small for their own posts today!

1.) On buckles swashed and swapped - This is a good example of the type of information that just doesn't need to be its own post but is interesting nonetheless. Do you know who was ALMOST Captain Jack Sparrow? Johnny Depp's life would be dramatically different right now if it weren't for one cast switch. I mean, Depp would be, I don't know, living in some foreign country perpetually making movies with Tim Burton or something. Ooooh....riiiight. So the major difference is because the following person wasn't offered the role for one reason or another, Depp is now a lot richer and feels like he can't do any of the artistically awesome stuff he used to do because he's too busy making tripe with Angelina Jolie and starring as Tonto because he can. The person who made that all possible?

Yeah, that's right, Hugh Jackman. I've always wanted to make some "Huge ack, man" joke but I could never quite make it work. Anyway, now you know that he was almost Captain Jack. And that will get you laid.

2.) I can only hope we get more fuzzy necrophilia references - Ricky Gervais has been added to the ever-increasing list of actors who will cameo in the new Muppet movie. I love that everyone in Hollywood seems game to appear with these furry hand-in-keister creations. Why? Because Muppets effing rule, that's why. My excitement is only further bolstered because I am hoping for a repeat of this:

Yeah, tell me you didn't giggle your way through a discussion of necrophilia. What I love is that the guy doing the voice of Elmo is clearly cracking up but he's losing it IN ELMO'S VOICE. I wonder if he just acts like that all the time now. Like he got stuck in the "on" switch for Elmo's voice and now, even if he's crying out for help from a gang of muggers, he'd have to do it all high and squeaky. It'd be the cutest crime ever. Anyway, kudos to Gervais for joining in on the Muppety fun.

3.) An excuse to post my favorite thing - Let's just get the "news" part of this out of the way: Nic Cage is ranting and raving about how great the new Ghost Rider sequel is going to be. He claims that it has a different origin sequence, that it's more abstract, and that, in short, it's a lot crazier. Really? Nic Cage is hyping a movie in which he gets to act crazy? That's interesting. He didn't mention whether the effects would still look like they were hand-drawn by a toddler like they did in the last movie, but I assume that's a given. Anyway, the real reason I even bothered to post this was so I could once more do this:

See, it was worth it, right?

4.) The music man returneth - Unless it's Michael Giacchino or Clint Mansell, I don't get OVERLY hyped by a composer announcement for a movie. Don't get me wrong, music is important to the film and all that, I just don't usually cover composer announcements. Oh, unless it's the guy who just did this:

Hans Zimmer is going to score the new Superman movie. This is huge. I assume they'll use the John Williams iconic score in some way, but if there's a guy who can crack the code of how to incorporate an old piece of music into a movie...I'm going with this guy. This is good news...really good news...potentially, dare I say...SUPER good news? No? No, I daren't say that? Okay.

5.) Trailers, parked - There's a widget on this web site I can't work yet that allows me to drop in new trailers. As soon as I figure out how to do that, I'm gonna do that. In the mean time, enjoy these: Frankie and Alice - We have a Halle Berry sighting! I forget, does that mean we get 3 more weeks of autumn? Emerging only for another grab at Oscar greatness, her last one having legally been canceled out by making Catwoman, Berry is back with this obvious drama. Enjoy!

Hop - This is a movie written by Bryan Lynch, who I find funny. It features the voice of Russel Brand, who my wife finds funny. It looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Oh well, at least both she and I are equally screwed in that we will someday see this...and possibly like it. It's like The Santa Clause in that it's about a slacker who injures the Easter Bunny. There you go, now I've just compared it to a Tim Allen movie. Things are not looking good on this one.

Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Hope you had a good time with it, I know I always do. Let's meet up tomorrow and talk weekend plans, okay?

Follow me on Twitter or I'll follow you in real life!


entered on 12/02/10 at 03:50 PM | read comments »


Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 57)

Too long have I gone without demanding things! Too long has it been since I stood before the teaming throngs of Internet hordes and commanded that they contact me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) to get my address in order to have me try and promote products or to send me objects of my desire as one would offer a sacrifice to a Pagan God. So, um, I'm doing that now. For the uninitiated who have only discovered us after we gave our Web site it's first makeover in many fortnights, this is really just a place for me to show you some cool crap I found...mostly from ThinkGeek.com and Threadless.com. That doesn't mean I DON'T want you to send me stuff or that I'll send it back if you do. Hell no! I want free crap and I want it now! I'm just saying that the arrogant, demanding thing is just an act. Now, READ THIS DAMN COLUMN AND SEND ME SHIT!

Here are the three things I need you to give me this week:

1.) Because my ears are funny-shaped, apparently - Pity me. Since April, I've been running nearly every work day. I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean I run a few miles at lunch. But then my good headphones died and I was forced to use ear buds. This isn't a very sad story, I know, but bear with me. I can't get those things to say in my apparently dramatically misshapen ears whilst running. I'll be in the middle of a sweet Kanye track, hearing "Too many Urkels on your team/That's why your Winslow," then BOOM my ear expunges the headphone like a frat boy expunges overpriced alcohol at 3 in the morning. So what's the answer?

Sure, they're 50 bucks HERE, but can you put a price on such joy? Well I can, and it's 50 bucks. So I want em.

2.) I normally loathe sweet and salty mixes, but I shall make an exception - Why mess up salty and sweet? You like salty because it tastes salty. You like sweet because it tastes sweet? Mixed together isn't the best of both worlds, it's making the salty sweet and the sweet salty, negating the very reason you love each of them. Still, I make an exception for the following:

That dude is eating BioFeul CAFFEINATED POPCORN! Yeah, you read that right. That is popcorn with loads of caffeine in it. They need to start serving this during those God forsaken midnight shows I always seem to end up at. How great is this? Because I've tried popcorn and coffee and that is not a stellar combo. For you, BioFeul Caffeinated Popcorn, I shall allow the merging of salt and sweet, for the sum of your parts is truly greater.

3.) Because I want to end with whimsy - Finally, I give to you this:

That is a T-shirt of Piggy banks robbing a Piggy bank. And I love it. Admit it, you do too.

That's it for this week's wants and desires. I promise to ramp them up even further for the Holiday season! For now, follow me on Twitter, unless you want to lag behind the rest of the omniverse!


entered on 12/01/10 at 05:24 PM | read comments »


Two Truths and a Lie

Chickity check it out, y'all. This is me blogging two days in a row!

And we kick today in the short pants with a little game they used to play as an ice breaker at functions where people don't know each other well...like prison holding cells. It's called "Two Truths and a Lie," and today's celebrity host is none other than Chris "I may have made the best movie of the year but now people are suddenly not mentioning me for an Oscar even though I deserve one" Nolan. As you may have heard, when he's not directing mind-bending original films, Nolan dabbles in superheroes. That makes it sound like he touches Aquaman in the green speedo area. What I mean is, he's gearing up to direct The Dark Knight Rises , a title that's only silly if Catwoman is in it. Get it? Anyhoodle, Nolan had this to say about the upcoming Bat-flick and the upcoming Superman re-re-start. I'm going to paraphrase here, but he said that this IS his last Bat-endeavor and that even though he and David Goyer "had an idea they couldn't believe wasn't being explored by Warner Bros" for Superman, they are going to stay hands off and let Zack Snyder do his own thang up in that Superman bizness. Those things seem to be fairly straightforward (sorry, slow news day) and honest.

Now the lie. They're bringing Heath Ledger back for the next Bat-a-palooza using CGI for a cameo.

Yeah, I know, even the Joker seems to be saying "Ninja, please" on this one. I get the concept, because they want to link the movies together into a woven trilogy. And there is a way to do that now, as I've stated several times before. What's that? You want to hear my brilliant idea again? Okay, if you insist.

All you have to do is start the movie with a woman who picks up the phone and is told something to the effect of "You're on." She then becomes Harley Quinn, taking over what the Joker was trying to do. Basically, we find out that she was the next wave of attack the whole time, as The Joker knew he would either be killed by Batman as he wanted or that Batman would stay good and only capture him. This was his plan B. You can then just show a locked, sealed Arkham door with "The Joker" written on it and that would be that. I cannot see good taste and reason allowing Nolan to CGI this thing. Animated zombification isn't the way to treat a friend. That's a rule to live by.

Come on, follow me on Twitter, you know you want to.


entered on 12/01/10 at 04:22 PM | read comments »


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The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Fall? Oh, me!

I’ve reviewed movies professionally for more than a dozen years. The few weeks immediately surrounding the end of summer has...

more »


Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

more »


Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

more »


Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly...

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