What a Crowe wants

I don't know if it's simply a matter of his size and notorious anger or just because I'm soft-brained, but I imagine that when the cameras stop rolling, Russell Crowe turns into someone who talks like the Incredible Hulk. "Crowe want be left alone! Crowe hungry! Crowe smash! Crowe make poor decisions on films of lesser quality because Crowe not stop to consider the ramifications of what he doing. Crowe HUNGRY!"

After the so-so performance of Robin Hood, and the absolute forgettablility of The Next Three Days, Crowe has turned his sight elsewhere, taking to Twitter to post "If you want a Master and Commander sequel I suggest you e-mail Tom Rothman at Fox and let him know your thoughts."

Huh?

For those who don't remember, that movie was the rather dull naval exercise film that had Crowe dressed foppishly while barking orders at people. It's kind of what I imagine his weekends to be like. At this point, and I believe this to be a 100% scientifically accurate total, zero people have done this. I know, it's shocking that a 7-year old modestly successful naval film hasn't garnered the kind of fervent support necessary to kick-start the heart of this franchise. I'm shocked. I guess the take home message is: If you want to see another one of these movies, get to emailing. Oh, that and "Crowe HUNGRY!"

Follow me on Twitter or Russell Crowe will eat you.


entered on 12/07/10 at 04:13 PM | read comments »


After you’re dead, George Lucas will take your soul

Good Tuesday morning to all of you! George Lucas is now collecting dead human souls.

Sorry, was that too abrupt for you first thing in the morning? Well, too bad. It's true. According to The Toronto Sun, McMidget the Throat Beard is buying the rights to dead actors like Orson Wells in an attempt to use computer voodoo and cyber jackassery to resurrect them, likely to make them sing and dance or step in poop or something in terrible movies. Jesus, maybe he's going to insert James Dean next to Anakin Skywalker on his podracer. Why? I don't know. Why did that mean kid in elementary school always pull the wings off of butterflies? He's 98% evil...and 2% marshmallow fluff.

First off, I thought we were passed this malarky, having experienced the whole Fred Astaire selling vacuums and dead celebrity duets left and right. Leave it Lucas to think that the only problem we had with that is that the technology wasn't advanced enough for us to see every pore on Astaire's vacuum-shilling face. Second...come the f**k on, Lucas! You don't know that people ALREADY hate you? You think that documentaries entitled The People vs George Lucas and Internet memes like "Lucas raped my childhood" are just done in good fun? If it was legal and nerds were physically capable of the strength necessary, you would have been stoned to death years ago. The way back into the public's heart is not to purchase the rights to dead celebrities.

This leads me to believe he's not doing this for movies, but rather is actually on the final stage of his universe-destroying machine of pure evil and death. It must run on dead celebrity souls. That's my best guess.

Follow me on Twitter or George Lucas will buy you.


entered on 12/07/10 at 03:56 PM | read comments »


Box Office Results - Weekend of 12/3/2010

So, if this is your first time seeing my accuracy for predicting the box office, you're going to want to look away. Normally, I'm pretty decent. You know, I pull down a solid B grade, sometimes get an A. This week, I was like George W. Bush taking a geography quiz, like a Wall Street banker answering morality-based questions, like a blood-stain-covered ax wielder taking a polygraph about the whereabouts of a friend. I failed. I failed hard. Give me a break, I beg you. I'm tired. I'm not feeling well. I'm also mildly mentally challenged apparently. I also need to just get this over with and move on to Tuesday.

Here's the box office results and my feeble accuracy, haiku style.

1.) Tangled - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%) Disney is back, y'all. Everyone loves fairy tales! Maybe not dragons.

2.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86.5%) Harry is falling! But don't cry too much for him, he'll be back real soon.

3.) Burlesque - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72%) How is this still here? Can we make it go away? It makes me so sad.

4.) Unstoppable - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%) People love choo-choos. And Denzel Washington too! And there you have it.

5.) Love and Other Drugs - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%) We know for sure now. A naked Anne Hathaway, will beat out ninjas.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 70% I will do better. I misjudged Cher and ninjas. That just can't happen.

Okay, that's it for today. Endure Monday and I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, and follow me on Twitter or someone will step on a pretty butterfly.


entered on 12/06/10 at 05:55 PM | read comments »


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Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A



War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula...

more »


Everyone is Awful

Warning to newly engaged couples: Do not see Gone Girl, a movie that makes marriage look like The Hunger Games with slightly...

more »


Swimming in the Laika

From Ray Harryhausen’s Medusa to Henry Selick’s Jack Skellington, stop-motion animation is just frickin’ cool, yo. Maybe...

more »


The Dies That Bind

“Hilarious!” say the trailers! “Really funny!” says the poster. “You are all sick people!” says me.

Yes, in parts, The...

more »


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