After you’re dead, George Lucas will take your soul

Good Tuesday morning to all of you! George Lucas is now collecting dead human souls.

Sorry, was that too abrupt for you first thing in the morning? Well, too bad. It's true. According to The Toronto Sun, McMidget the Throat Beard is buying the rights to dead actors like Orson Wells in an attempt to use computer voodoo and cyber jackassery to resurrect them, likely to make them sing and dance or step in poop or something in terrible movies. Jesus, maybe he's going to insert James Dean next to Anakin Skywalker on his podracer. Why? I don't know. Why did that mean kid in elementary school always pull the wings off of butterflies? He's 98% evil...and 2% marshmallow fluff.

First off, I thought we were passed this malarky, having experienced the whole Fred Astaire selling vacuums and dead celebrity duets left and right. Leave it Lucas to think that the only problem we had with that is that the technology wasn't advanced enough for us to see every pore on Astaire's vacuum-shilling face. Second...come the f**k on, Lucas! You don't know that people ALREADY hate you? You think that documentaries entitled The People vs George Lucas and Internet memes like "Lucas raped my childhood" are just done in good fun? If it was legal and nerds were physically capable of the strength necessary, you would have been stoned to death years ago. The way back into the public's heart is not to purchase the rights to dead celebrities.

This leads me to believe he's not doing this for movies, but rather is actually on the final stage of his universe-destroying machine of pure evil and death. It must run on dead celebrity souls. That's my best guess.

Follow me on Twitter or George Lucas will buy you.


entered on 12/07/10 at 03:56 PM | read comments »


Box Office Results - Weekend of 12/3/2010

So, if this is your first time seeing my accuracy for predicting the box office, you're going to want to look away. Normally, I'm pretty decent. You know, I pull down a solid B grade, sometimes get an A. This week, I was like George W. Bush taking a geography quiz, like a Wall Street banker answering morality-based questions, like a blood-stain-covered ax wielder taking a polygraph about the whereabouts of a friend. I failed. I failed hard. Give me a break, I beg you. I'm tired. I'm not feeling well. I'm also mildly mentally challenged apparently. I also need to just get this over with and move on to Tuesday.

Here's the box office results and my feeble accuracy, haiku style.

1.) Tangled - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%) Disney is back, y'all. Everyone loves fairy tales! Maybe not dragons.

2.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86.5%) Harry is falling! But don't cry too much for him, he'll be back real soon.

3.) Burlesque - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72%) How is this still here? Can we make it go away? It makes me so sad.

4.) Unstoppable - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%) People love choo-choos. And Denzel Washington too! And there you have it.

5.) Love and Other Drugs - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%) We know for sure now. A naked Anne Hathaway, will beat out ninjas.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 70% I will do better. I misjudged Cher and ninjas. That just can't happen.

Okay, that's it for today. Endure Monday and I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, and follow me on Twitter or someone will step on a pretty butterfly.


entered on 12/06/10 at 05:55 PM | read comments »


Slow weekend, good picture

Hey all! Hope you had a smashing weekend of awesomeness and fun. I actually spent my weekend doing things that make me far more tired than the things I do during the week...so I'm living in a Bizarro-world where my body is insisting that "me am on weekend." I want to sleep.

The good news is, so does the rest of the world, as the weekend's news items are all piffle. There's some minor buzz about a potential lead on the Batman plot (it may be based on a graphic novel that is obscure and will NOT feature Two Face), rumors of a new Will Ferrell/Zach Galifianakis movie (presumably titled, Using the Last of Our Good Will), and revelations that Campbell Scott and some other lesser-known actors will be playing Peter Parker's parents in the new Spidey movie alongside a guy from Slumdog Millionaire who is reportedly playing a villain named Van Atter, although I'm a Spider-fanatic and have never heard of that character. All in all, everyone who makes news and rumors must have been using all that sleep I wasn't.

But there is good news at the end of this mundane, monochromatic rainbow of nothingness: We got our first look at how Emma Stone is going to look as Gwen Stacy. You know, I've had my doubts about this project. Stone seemed perfect for Mary Jane, not Gwen; Andrew Garfield is a fine actor but not quite what I envisioned for Peter; the origin being retold is boring, boring, boring; they're apparently using Peter's parents somehow; the casting for the supporting folks is just so obvious and annoying (Sally Field as Aunt May?); the Lizard is a terrible lead villain; and so on. So it warms my heart to give you the first good news we've had about this project so far.

Yeah, so I'm pretty excited about this project now. Love what they're doing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go remind the 15-year-old that lives in my heart that Gwen Stacy still isn't actually a real person.

Follow me on Twitter or Santa will bring you a Miley Cyrus DVD boxed set for Christmas.


entered on 12/06/10 at 05:35 PM | read comments »


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Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Lucy

A girl ingests a drug that makes her God. For real.

GRADE
C+


Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

more »


Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

more »


Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly...

more »


Cinéma Very Tame

A few quick confessions: Because we now have cameras, modern photorealistic paintings have always been, at best, modestly...

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