Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 58)

Over the course of the weekend, I discovered something. No, not a package that was sent to me containing free goodies. Why didn't I discover that? Because you didn't buy me anything. Just like the week before. Nothing. You and nobody you knew contacted me at film@thereader.com and got my address to send me sweet swag that I would brag about. Season of giving my ass. No, what I discovered was...this is somehow one of the more popular columns I do. I mean, I get the appeal of Thursday's column, as who doesn't look forward to seeing my junk? But the fact that others love this little segment was perplexing to me. Why? Well, that's because it means that people are reading it AND NOT SENDING ME ANYTHING! It was an admission of guilt! Obviously, they saw through my clever internet persona and realized I was mostly kidding (I said mostly). So with that in mind, here is the stuff those people have been waiting to hear about for this week:

1.) I stab my drinks colder - Of all the things that people have noted seeing in this column, the most popular item hands down were the ice cube trays designed to make thin ice slices for water bottles. Well then, have I got a new product for you:

Yeah, those are Ice swords. "How do you keep your drink cold?" "Oh, you know, I STAB IT COLDER!" How badass is that? Sure, you can use them to make Popsicles and such, but it's much more cooler to just be drinking a beverage with a giant sword in it, right? See, I came through for all of you ice fans this week, didn't I?

2.) See, those old negatives WERE good for something! - Remember when you used to actually get physical pictures? You know, in the time before the internet made digital photos so prevalent that a guy can barely finish splitting his pants in public before detailed images of his nether regions are online. Well, back when photos came in envelopes and not email attachments, you used to get negatives with your order. It was so you could use them to make more photos later, but when I was a kid, I just assumed we had some weird slide projector I didn't know about. That or I was the secret owner of the Zapruder film. My imagination was always rather historical. Well, good news for those people who wisely hang on to those negatives:

For a mere $100, the ImageLab will turn your negatives into digital photos of good quality. Howsabout that? Those pictures of you with the 80s bangs and leg warmers? Totally going to be this week's profile picture. This is a brilliant gift idea for old people.

3.) This week I combined my obligatory Star Wars and Threadless segment - Let's face it, every week I pimp Threadless and something Star Wars. I don't mind the former, and the latter is just because that crap has more merchandising than any one thing in history. Seriously, there are more Luke Skywalker-related products than JESUS-related products, and he's the son of God (Jesus, not Luke...man this stuff is out of control). This week, I'm combining the two obligatory items with this from Threadless .

That shirt is called "Hans off my cookie."

Chewbacca is a chocolate chip cookie.

This is a real thing.

And I love it.

And so do you.

That's it for this week. Your job is to start buying me crap and sending me crap and following my crap on Twitter.


entered on 12/08/10 at 04:24 PM | read comments »


Pointy ears and a pretty face

Happy Wednesday to you. I would wish you a happy hump day, but nobody needs to be reminded about that creeper dude in your office who says that stuff in order to tight-rope walk the line of sexual harassment, as if one day, one attractive coworker is just going to declare "It's hump day?" and proceed to start disrobing. Oh what the hell, happy hump day.

Honestly, there hasn't been that much going on this week that has tripped my trigger...figuratively or literally (I haven't shot anyone ALL WEEK). Most of the news is minor-rumble only and is being reserved for a spot in my junk drawer. Even this bit isn't that exciting, other than the lady involved, who is excitement personified.

Cate Blanchett (aka, the Goddess) is going to return as Galadriel for The Hobbit. Seeing as how I never sifted through Tolkien's uber-dense prose and overly descriptive text, I figured this was kind of expected. Only, it turns out that powerful lady witch really wasn't so much in the book...and was busy doing some other stuff I don't understand. Seriously, I read that stuff without context and it's all "Galadriel was in the bing-bong with the doody-doodies, because she didn't have the sming-smang which the toot-thoots needed for their gully-gangs." As near as I can tell, what this is signaling to fans is that Peter Jackson is makin' shit up. I think he's earned the right to play a bit, given how awesome the movies have been, but this is still likely to raise the eyebrows of a few die-hard fans. And those fans have MASSIVE eyebrows, so it's actually quite an undertaking. I think Jackson appropriately found the bottom line here: If you CAN put Cate Blanchett in your movie, you DO put Cate Blanchett in your movie.

Follow me on Twitter, and bring Cate Blanchett with you.


entered on 12/08/10 at 04:08 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for December 8

  • If you’re a loyal Reader reader — and why wouldn’t you be, you bright and sexy person — you have undoubtedly heard all about writer/director Nik Fackler and his darling, locally shot indie film Lovely, Still. Well, our little boy is “all grown up,” as Fackler was just nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for Best First Screenplay. The awards ceremony will be shown on the IFC Channel Feb. 26, and will be hosted by my personal patron saint of snarkiness, Joel McHale. But Fackler doesn’t need a trophy to be pumped; as he states on his personal site (nikfackler.com) “I’m so f***ing stoked to be nominated” before thanking his friends and suggesting “let’s get drunk and go sledding soon.” I believe Dame Judy Dench celebrated her various nominations in the same manner. If you haven’t seen it, Lovely, Still is available from Netflix streaming, so you have no good excuse. Congrats Fackler, and I hope you wear the appropriate headgear whilst sledding.

  • Testing your circulation, Film Streams at the Ruth Sokolof Theater (filmstreams.org) will spend Dec. 10-16 unspooling Carlos, a film with a running time of seven days. I’m kidding, of course; it’s only a mere 329 minutes, which is longer than some of my previous relationships. The film was originally a French TV miniseries but was sewed and stitched together into one giant epic that explores the notorious terrorist Carlos the Jackal. His nickname is way cooler than mine: Ryan the Easily Impressed. The film will be shown with an intermission for weaklings, but feel free to really see what your bladder is capable of.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 12/07/10 at 11:38 PM | read comments »


Page 128 of 135 pages ‹ First  < 126 127 128 129 130 >  Last ›

The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Fall? Oh, me!

I’ve reviewed movies professionally for more than a dozen years. The few weeks immediately surrounding the end of summer has...

more »


Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

more »


Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

more »


Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly...

more »


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