And now…Deep Thoughts from Michael Bay

Greetings douchebags and ugly people,

It's me, Michael Bay, the only motherf**ker still rockin' McGuyver's hairstyle. A lot of you subhuman pig people who watch my movies and have made me so rich that attractive women will sleep with me despite my vile personality and morally bankrupt soul have been spreading rumors that the 3D in Transformers 3 is looking as awful as Bad Boys 3's plot. Excuse me? You non-Michael Bay pussies want to talk about a Michael Bay movie? You egg-sucking stupidfaces would dare to tell another egg-sucking stupidface that a Michael Bay movie looks bad? As if I wasn't the guy who birthed Armageddon into this world, providing salvation for all those who would look upon Ben Affleck's suddenly pristine teeth? For those of you knuckle-dragging suckwads who don't regularly visit MichaelBay.com, likely because a court order has barred your sick ass from using the internet, my official statement was:

“Wow, I read these morons on the internet who think they are in the know. ‘We have have problems with our 3D????’ Really? Come into my edit room and I will show you beautiful 3D. There has never been a live action show that has pushed the boundaries of 3D like Transformers 3.”

That was a quickly written first draft of what I wanted to say to you pea-brained gutter eaters. I don't feel I used nearly enough exclamatory punctuation and I forgot about Caps Lock. So allow me to expand: NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF EYES HAS ANYONE SEEN THE BALL-DRAINING, SOUL-DEVOURING AWESOMELY AWESOME AWESOMENESS THAT WILL BE TRANSFORMERS 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK I DEMEANED WOMEN IN MY MOVIES BEFORE??????? YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET UP-IN-THAT-ASS WITH MY MISOGYNY3D LENS!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT I HAD SOME RACIST ROBOTS BEFORE????&*@&#???? I HAVE 3D ROBOTS THAT ARE INSULTING TO EVERY ETHNIC GROUP, INCLUDING ESKIMOS!!!!!!! JUST LOOK FOR THAT IGLOO-TRANSFORMING ROBOT...IN 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In conclusion, if you don't sell Victoria Secret underwear, you shouldn't even be speaking my name out loud. Never forget, I have been made into a peanut M&M...A PEANUT M&M!

So until such time as you are depicted with chocolate and nut, I don't want to see your cake-hole flappin', got it? Love always, Michael Bay


entered on 11/30/10 at 04:43 PM | read comments »


We’re back…no, wait, for real this time! I swear!

I promise you, this separation of ours has been just as hard for me as it has been for you...likely harder for me because you probably just went back to surfing the rest of the internet like I didn't even exist. I know it's the truth, and the truth hurts...not as much as, say, watching a whole episode of that celebrity ice skating show, but it hurts.

As you can see, we're still bravely endeavoring the worst machinations and gremlins that the Interwebs can summon in an attempt to port over the archives of the past 2+ years of bloggery from the original site. But I refuse to wait on the whims of the Internet Cthulu any longer! Nay, I say it is well past time for me to rend this world asunder with verbiage quickly assembled and hastily edited! It is well past time for me to inform my loyal patrons with information that borders on being less-information and more-senseless rambling. It is well past time for a return to updates and posts that are as regularly timed as a fiber-addict's bowel movements. Folks, we're back for good. Unless, you know, I get really busy or something.

I had so many things I wanted to do, including follow "The Walking Dead," which now has only one episode left, and keep you all up on the things that should be bought, especially as we enter the holiday season. I will do both, but I'm going to wait to cover "The Walking Dead" as a whole, being that we're so close to the finish line now. Okay, I think that's all the housekeeping I have. If you're new to this blog, or an old hat, please feel free to drop a comment and either say hello or welcome back. If you choose to say anything mean, I can and will summon Internet Cthulu on your ass.

Okay, enough apologia, let's get to some mildly interesting news! Question: What do the Oscars have in common with pedophiles? Answer: They will both do anything to find young people. In an attempt to reduce the geriatric mean audience age, the Academy Awards are queuing up the sexytime this year, bringing in a pair of hosts intended to attract a younger crowd. No, it's not like we'll be seeing the awards hosted by the cast of Yo Gabba Gabba or whatever the hell toddlers are having their minds warped by these days. We're going to see the following duo try their best to sell awful, hammy jokes that walk the appropriate line of self-deprecation and skewering of celebrity while constantly stroking the egos of the rich:

James Franco always looks like he's squinting, whereas Anne Hathaway always looks like she really doesn't understand just how attractive she really is. These are the kind of observations you've been missing, admit it. Anyway, that's the entirety of the news on this: These two are hosting the Oscars. So those who have been lusting for some Franco-Hataway idiotic banter, you can stop sending those chain letters and prayers along.

Follow me on twitter, it's what all the cool kids are doing.


entered on 11/30/10 at 03:30 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for November 25

  • I can’t do justice in printed words to the recent kerfuffle about the time traveler found in a Charlie Chaplin movie, but that’s why God invented Google, so get to clickin’. Presumably, the Charlie Chaplin retrospective, which runs from now until Dec. 16, at Film Streams at the Ruth Sokolof Theater (filmstreams.org), has nothing to do with this unexplained phenomenon … even though The Circus is the film in which the time traveler appears and is one of the films being screened in the series … interesting, huh? At each of the screenings, you can sign up to win a pair of tickets to the Omaha Symphony’s Jan. 29, performance at the Holland Performing Arts Center, at which the orchestra will play the accompaniment to Chaplin’s The Gold Rush. If it turns out someone at Film Streams is the secret time traveler who was just promoting this event by warping space and time: best marketing ever.

  • Head’s up, this next thing isn’t funny. Angelina Jolie’s directorial debut had to abandon shooting in Bosnia because rumors circulated that the plot involves a rape victim falling in love with her rapist. First off: Eww. Second: The film came under assault from women’s organizations understandably upset about the supposed story given the unspeakable travesties of the 1992-1995 war. Third, and most interesting: Jolie responded with a non-denial denial, stating “there are many twists in the plot that address the sensitive nature of the relationship between the main characters.” Shooting has relocated to Budapest. Here’s hoping whatever they’re doing there isn’t as bad as it sounds like it could be.

  • This week, MTV released the first trailer for their TV show based on the movie Teen Wolf. This gives new life to my campaign to resurrect "Teen Witch."

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 11/23/10 at 10:23 PM | read comments »


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Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Those damned apes are back and anything but dirty.

GRADE
B+


We Are the Best

Set in Stockholm in 1982, this is punk rock female adolescence at its finest.

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A


Snowpiercer

Awesome, literal class warfare on a train that holds the only humans that survived the new ice age.

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A-


Obvious Child

Billed as a comedy, this is actually a sophisticated, empathetic look at a crucial issue.

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B+


The Signal

Crazy good and just plain crazy, this is indie sci-fi at its best!

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A+


Ping Pong Summer

Drowning in 1980s nostalgia, this deserves to be a cult hit.

GRADE
A-


22 Jump Street

A sequel no one could have expected to a movie nobody wanted.

GRADE
A-


Ice, Ice Maybe

I’m not saying that the impoverished are going to grab axes and violently murder the wealthy elite. But I’m also not NOT...

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Not So Fast, Rick Santorum

I do not have a uterus. If I understand biology, I never will. So the issue of abortion has remained at arm’s length from...

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Freaky Frequency

For a movie reviewer, having a favorite genre kinda feels like a parent having a favorite child; oh, they totally do,...

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Bad Meaning Good

The popularity of Napoleon Dynamite never really made sense. With its “special” characters and nonsensical elements, the...

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