Suddenly, the Internet is worth it

Well hello there, my bloggity devotees. It's Tuesday...as if you didn't know. And you all know what that means, right? It means nothing. Stick that in your "season of magic" pipe and smoke it.

Today was the Golden Globe nominations...but man are they depressing. I love watching the awards show itself, not just because of my sick fascination with arbitrary assessments of artistic merit, but because they let the attendees drink heavily. That's good entertainment (and probably bad policy thanks to the sobriety issues in Hollywood). The problem is, The Oscars at least attempt to pretend to reward the best work of the year. The Golden Globes just nominated Burlesque and The Tourist. Someone astutely pointed out that the category of Best Musical/Comedy at the Golden Globes may cross over quite notably with the Razzies award for Worst Picture. That's shocking. I know that the Hollywood Foreign Press Whores really want Angelina Jolie to come to the ceremony because they can't get enough of her Crypt Keeper physique. But seriously, her movie was a turd that turds would shun for being too turdy. The lack of True Grit completely? The double Depp nomination in a year he didn't do anything of value? THE NOMINATION OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN ITEM ON EARTH THAT MOST MAKES ME HATE EARTH? You're a joke, Golden Globes. A four-star, gold-plated piece of crap. How much do I NOT respect you? I'm pairing news of your nominations with a clip involving Yogi Bear.

This traveled around the interwebs like coax cables were covered in gasoline and a porn site lit a match. But if you haven't seen it, I give to you the best combination of two movies that don't belong anywhere near each other in all of history. It's not enough to make me want to see the movie, but I hope that the effects person who did this gets rich and famous. I will give them the best "good luck wish" you can give to an effects person: May you never work with George Lucas. Here's the genius:

When the music kicks in at the end: Perfection. I can think of no better thing to show you. I practically want to retire the blog after this. Watch it a few times. It's funny every time.

Follow me on Twitter or I'll have Boo Boo cap your ass.


entered on 12/14/10 at 05:31 PM | read comments »


Box Office Results - Weekend of 12/10/2010

Shhh! Don't look over here! STOP, I TOLD YOU NOT TO. See, if nobody pays attention, then no one will notice that the BOX OFFICE IS FADING LIKE A PUNCH-DRUNK BOXER! Seriously, after posting one of the worst Novembers on record, December ain't exactly tearin' it up. Narnia 3: Revenge of River Jesus is a dud, even in 3D. Nobody found the Jolie/Depp pairing believable. Hell, if it wasn't for Disney's Tangled, PR folks from the studios would be marching with pitchforks and torches just to distract us from the fact that nobody is seeing movies right now. Why is that I wonder? Oh...right...there's NOTHING GOOD OUT. Studios gave the last Harry Potter flick too much breathing room and everything else is pretty awful. There are some good things on the horizon, True Grit and Black Swan in particular, but things are looking lean this Christmas for the execs. Let's all take a minute to feel really bad for them. And for me, because boy did I biff this week.

Here are the results, haiku style:

1.) Narnia 3: No Mo' Narnia Please - $24.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 40%)

So much for this one. Looks like "The Final Battle" came early this time.

2.) The Tourist - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 76.5%)

No spark, all fizzle. Angelina Jolie sucks so bad, Aniston loves it.

3.) Tangled - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

One bit of good news: People still love kids movies... without Narnia.

4.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Not a bad outing, but not the series' best one. As the money shows.

5.) Unstoppable - $3.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Choo-choo goes bye-bye? This has hung on for too long. End of the line, pals.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82.5%

I'm better than this. Not that you can tell right now. Take my word for it.

Okay, that's it. Y'all have a happy Monday and let's meet tomorrow to enjoy it not being Monday.

Follow me on Twitter or Santa will fill your stocking with Reindeer poop.


entered on 12/13/10 at 05:09 PM | read comments »


By Odin’s scrotum!

Greetings! I hope you had a wonderful weekend filled with shopping and much mirth and merriment. I borked my back shoveling, and the Chicago Bears lost to the New England Patriots 389 to -12. That score may not be accurate but it perfectly encapsulates the feeling of the game. Thus, let it be said that I face this Monday with all the positivity and energy of a roadkilled skunk. I have the Christmas spirit of Glenn Beck's bizarro counterpart (wait, I may be that way normally). I have the work ethic of Yogi Bear (the cartoon layabout and not the CGI abomination coming to wreak havoc on your soul and drop excrement in your brain this holiday season). In short, I need a superhero to save this Monday.

By the might of Odin's cankles! By the power of Odin's empty eye socket sweat! I must say, that was a particularly fun little trailer, right?! I mean, I enjoyed myself with all the kicking and the punching, but then Natalie Portman ran in slow-motion and I was all "hellooooo NURSE!" She's actually a nurse in the movie. That makes that joke really funny.

Thor was always going to be a tough sell. All the other Marvel movies have taken place clearly in the "real world." You know, the "real world" where people make full suits of armor that fly and stuff. Bridging the gap between the "magic" and the "science" isn't going to be totally as easy as having Thor say something like "in my world, they're the same thing." Oh, and your world is an ancient place where Gods dwell...there goes that science stuff you were just talking about. So here's what Thor really has to do: be cool and fun. I know that some of the first stills from the movie got savaged by online bloggers...but those same online bloggers were mysteriously quite silent when those turd-a-licious Green Lantern images came out. I wonder if that had something to do with most of those same bloggers having been given a set visit to the latter and not the former. Hell, even when the trailer for The Green Lantern debuted to the pomp and circumstance of a pigeon fart, looking like something some lonely, abstinent-by-other-people's-choice nerd put together in his basement, most bloggers said "just you wait, we saw the set and good things are coming." I don't care how many good things are coming for that Green Lantern movie: The suit looks awful, the supporting aliens look goofy, the tone seems all wrong, the acting is off, I could go on. Yet, somehow Thor was being poked fun at by folks?! Well, I hope this trailer restores the sanity. Everything looks right about this to me. From the over-the-top Hopkins yelling to the lightning-aided power slam at the end. It's Thor. If you don't like it, you don't like Thor. And that's cool, because not everybody likes everything. But just like the second Hulk movie was as close to the Hulk as anyone will ever get, this looks to be as close to Thor as a Thor movie will ever be.

So, quick recap: Thor looks fun. The Green Lantern looks like a fanboy hate crime. That's all.

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entered on 12/13/10 at 04:48 PM | read comments »


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Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Lucy

A girl ingests a drug that makes her God. For real.

GRADE
C+


Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

more »


Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

more »


Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly...

more »


Cinéma Very Tame

A few quick confessions: Because we now have cameras, modern photorealistic paintings have always been, at best, modestly...

more »


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