Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 61)

Well, the holidays are officially over, as I'm back to receiving ZERO of the things that I am very clearly and articulately telling people to buy me. My wife actually had to call the help desk at ThinkGeek the other day. When I heard her give our last name, I thought: "Well, now she's about to get some respect, and I'm about to discover that they're waiting to send me a giant shipment of products and various goodies any day now." Instead, I heard my wife say "No, Syrek. S-Y-R-E-K." The indignity! I thought by now all of the internets and webbings would have heard of my legend! What more must I do to convince the good people who sling nerd shit that I deserve free stuff? I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to produce freebies. Having received approximately less than 1% of the products I've promoted (for free) in the last 60 installments, the admonitions to send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)and request my email address clearly haven't worked. Now, nothing can sate my rage.

Wait? What's that? The first image of Spider-man from the new version that's being directed by the guy who made that mediocre-to-crappy indie rom-com everyone tweaked about for no good reason looks GOOD?! ARE THOSE MECHANICAL WEB SHOOTERS?! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!!!! Okay, now I'm in a good mood and...wait, what's this?


Okay, that was some good palate cleansing. Now I feel as though I can relax and remind you that I don't actually expect you people to send me stuff but that I do this as a way to show you cool crap out there. And now, cool shit:

1.) These are good because I'm sure they're practical and feel nice....yeah...that's it... - Too often I neglect the ladies. I mean on this blog column, not in real life. In real life, I NEVER neglect the ladies. They neglect me. That is, neglect to notice me...or to reign me in. At any rate, here's a peace offering.

For a mere $35, you can go here and get underthings that reflect a passion for bounty hunting and bodacious bootywear. Seriously, it's somewhere between hot and adorable. It's ho-rable. Wait...

2.) They shall destroy you with the cute - Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want one:

What do you mean you don't want one? Don't give me that "I'm a grown-ass man" crap. So am I. What? I am! And I want like 70000 of these. I want to roll around in them like the most cuddly Tribble infestation ever. Go here. Buy them for me. They're only $13. That's a small amount for this much plush joy.

3.) None of the proceeds go to Michael Bay - If you're going to wear a Transformers shirt. Wear this one:

Threadless makes it acceptable to wear the leader of the Autobots. It's classy and clever, in that the title of the shirt is "Optimust." That's intelligent comedy. Also, Optimus Prime looks like a ghost. That's cool. Someone is now going to write some crazy bad fan fiction about ghost Transformers and it's going to be my fault. Sorry.

Okay, that's what I want this week. What do you want? Love? Me too.

Follow me on Twitter, it won't cost a thing!

entered on 01/13/11 at 11:08 PM | read comments »

Wednesday’s Daily Dump

Hey blog fans, welcome back. Are you excited that I've chosen to hang on to "The Daily Dump?" No? But...but there's so many doody-related jokes that will be inspired by that decision. It's a brown treasure! It's a number one, number two decision! The jokes will just squirt out of me! See, this is a good time, isn't it? I am nothing if not classy. No, wait, it was crude. I'm nothing if not crude. My bad, C-words are a challenge.

Okay, moving right along. Today all of the news is lame sauce. I can do it all in couplet quickly:

Earlier today a web site did say
before Green Hornet a trailer would play,
it would be our first glimpse on the big screen
of the new version of the revamped X-team.
But alas it was wrong and won't come to pass
there will be no trailer for X-Men: First Class.

Russell Crowe has been getting quite fat,
not that there's anything wrong with that.
The RZA doesn't care about his large weight,
he cast him in a movie not shot in the states.
The Man With the Iron Fist is set in the East
and RZA will write and direct that beast.
If I where him, I'd make sure Crowe was well fed
or alas, poor RZA, may wind up dead.

They're making a movie about Missile Command
This news is one for which I cannot stand
I dealt with the indignity of a Ouija board movie
I coped with news that Battleship would be
But this is too much, a geometry game?
It's proof that the world has quite gone insane.
But the last laugh's on me, I know it will be
when the damn thing makes large sums of money.

That's the news today. For realz. With a z. So it's a good time for me to write a brief letter to Kevin Smith.

It's cool, we go way back. That is to say, my wife once asked him a question at a Q&A at a Comicon.

Dear Kevin,

Hey, man. You don't remember me (mostly because we've never spoke), but I was a big fan of yours growing up. Chasing Amy still ranks among my favorite films of all time, and I have probably defended your movies, persona, and general doings as many times in this past decade as anybody. So let me be the first to say that I understand your current pissing contest with critics. They were mean to you. They hurt your feelings. That is not an inconsequential thing to have happen to you. If stories are accurate, hurt feelings led to the creation of the billion-dollar enterprise of Facebook; hurt feelings have resulted in globonuclear proliferation in South Korea; hurt feelings are not something to f**k with. They tore into Cop Out like it was an international war criminal. In reality, it was just a bad movie. I know, I know, you don't believe that it was, but it was. You make bad movies sometimes. Everybody who makes movies makes bad movies some times. Except Stanley Kubrick, but he's dead, so there you go.

Your position that involves not letting critics screen your upcoming and bad-ass looking (and potentially career defining) Red State is stupid. It's stupid because people with hurt feelings don't act intelligently. They act emotionally. And you're acting emotionally. You have argued that you get nothing out of letting people critique your movies early. You may be right. But guess what, you're a part of something bigger, something you dreamed about when you were a kid. I know this because you've been on Ebert's show. I know this because you review movies sometimes yourself. Talking about movies is awesome. Critics talk about movies. Therefore, that's awesome. You know this in your heart. You know that discourse of any kind about movies is something special and cool and that shutting it down is something you only want to do because you're mad. Stop it, man. Stop it. Especially considering that you're about to have what I believe could be your finest moment as a director. Run that shit out there! Get people's eyes on it! If they hate it, who the hell cares, you love it anyway, right? I promise you, I'm going to have to see it whether 100% of critics slap it around.

Worst of all, you are so active on Twitter. Why is that worst of all? Because it means you're aware of the power of digital conversation. The guys online who review movies and such, they're good people. They're forged from the fires of Internet anonymity and the loose journalistic rules that go with that, sure. They're a teeming mass of democratized criticism, and your overactive use of Twitter shows you get why. You understand that this new technology affords us the opportunity to speak more often. Hell, I read your responses more than I read critics who tore you down! Beyond all of that, if you hadn't made it into movies, if your grand experiment had failed, you would be one of us...and you know it.

Here's my suggestion: Screen the shit out of Red State. Be the affable everyman that you are, the weirdly American blend of narcissism and humility, go out there and promote the crap out of it. Be friendly to the online guys and shrug off their criticism. Ignore the big name critics if they slap you down and embrace them if they don't. Because this angry stuff...this isn't the guy I grew up with.

Kev, buddy, I dissed on some of your movies. I did. I also loved the ever-lovin' crap out of some of your movies. I don't like everything my own friends and family do, you can't expect everyone to like everything you do. But you know there's a value in it. It's time to come back to the fold, burn the angry schtick, and make nicey nice. Because I fear if you don't, you're going to miss something amazing with Red State and as a fan of yours from way back, I don't want that to happen, okay?

In conclusion: Listen to me and everything will be cool.

Thanks, and my wife says "hi."


Follow me on Twitter. That's not just for Kev, that's for everybody.

entered on 01/12/11 at 09:48 PM | read comments »

Cutting Room for January 12

  • What better way for Eminem to prove he should be taken seriously as an actor than to star in Random Acts of Violence, a film originally written as a take on the video game “Grand Theft Auto”? While Em wasn’t going to completely win over critics who dismiss him as verbally malevolent, I’m guessing any chance he had of separating his acting from his music is about to get shot in the face.

  • How do you replace Jim Carrey, Sean Penn and Benicio del Toro? With Johnny Knoxville, Andy Samberg and a relatively obscure Australian comedian named Shane Jacobson. Duh. The Farrelly brothers’ Three Stooges has lingered long enough to lose the very cast that made it interesting in the first place, and the current shortlist for Moe, Larry and Curly sure does scream “You weren’t our first choice,” doesn’t it?

  • In case you were wondering, NASA has officially ruled that 2012, the John Cusack movie in which the earth gets fiery diarrhea, is scientifically absurd. In a move to get some press, they released a list of most plausible and least plausible sci-fi movies. Thanks, NASA … this will really help us defend your funding.

  • Straight out of Kick-Ass, a real-life “superhero” named “Phoenix Jones” stopped a car-jacking in Seattle. The dude is part of the “Rain City Superhero Movement,” which is like the Justice League of America for people who want to die while looking ridiculous. Police say the vigilantes are lucky they haven’t been hurt yet, suggesting they should “act as good witnesses” rather than put themselves in danger. Don’t worry, Jones explains everyone on the team “either has a military background or a mixed martial arts background.” Rest easy, Seattle.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at and on Twitter (

entered on 01/12/11 at 07:59 PM | read comments »

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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The epic conclusion to the most epic of epics.


The Babadook

A terrifying tale of an ooky pop-up book and motherly love.


The Tale of Princess Kaguya

A water-colored take on a Japanese folktale that is prettier than it is interesting.


The Theory of Everything

"Out of this world" performances buoy a sub-par script.


Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1

Half of what promises to be an epic conclusion to a fabulous series.



A delirously fun satirical send up of artistic pretension. 


The Overnighters

"The Grapes of Wrath" in documentary form set in North Dakota.



If this was humanity's last hope, give up.


Happy, Little Clouded

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No Big Bang

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Leni Riefen-stalling

On the one hand, any film subtitled “Part 1” is a naked cash grab. On the other hand, shut up and take my money, Hunger...

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Oopsie Genius

I know two things for sure: (1) Birdman aims to relentlessly drive home one singular point, one thoroughly expressed thesis...

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