Wednesday’s Daily Dump

Hey blog fans, welcome back. Are you excited that I've chosen to hang on to "The Daily Dump?" No? But...but there's so many doody-related jokes that will be inspired by that decision. It's a brown treasure! It's a number one, number two decision! The jokes will just squirt out of me! See, this is a good time, isn't it? I am nothing if not classy. No, wait, it was crude. I'm nothing if not crude. My bad, C-words are a challenge.

Okay, moving right along. Today all of the news is lame sauce. I can do it all in couplet quickly:

Earlier today a web site did say
before Green Hornet a trailer would play,
it would be our first glimpse on the big screen
of the new version of the revamped X-team.
But alas it was wrong and won't come to pass
there will be no trailer for X-Men: First Class.

Russell Crowe has been getting quite fat,
not that there's anything wrong with that.
The RZA doesn't care about his large weight,
he cast him in a movie not shot in the states.
The Man With the Iron Fist is set in the East
and RZA will write and direct that beast.
If I where him, I'd make sure Crowe was well fed
or alas, poor RZA, may wind up dead.

They're making a movie about Missile Command
This news is one for which I cannot stand
I dealt with the indignity of a Ouija board movie
I coped with news that Battleship would be
But this is too much, a geometry game?
It's proof that the world has quite gone insane.
But the last laugh's on me, I know it will be
when the damn thing makes large sums of money.

That's the news today. For realz. With a z. So it's a good time for me to write a brief letter to Kevin Smith.

It's cool, we go way back. That is to say, my wife once asked him a question at a Q&A at a Comicon.

Dear Kevin,

Hey, man. You don't remember me (mostly because we've never spoke), but I was a big fan of yours growing up. Chasing Amy still ranks among my favorite films of all time, and I have probably defended your movies, persona, and general doings as many times in this past decade as anybody. So let me be the first to say that I understand your current pissing contest with critics. They were mean to you. They hurt your feelings. That is not an inconsequential thing to have happen to you. If stories are accurate, hurt feelings led to the creation of the billion-dollar enterprise of Facebook; hurt feelings have resulted in globonuclear proliferation in South Korea; hurt feelings are not something to f**k with. They tore into Cop Out like it was an international war criminal. In reality, it was just a bad movie. I know, I know, you don't believe that it was, but it was. You make bad movies sometimes. Everybody who makes movies makes bad movies some times. Except Stanley Kubrick, but he's dead, so there you go.

Your position that involves not letting critics screen your upcoming and bad-ass looking (and potentially career defining) Red State is stupid. It's stupid because people with hurt feelings don't act intelligently. They act emotionally. And you're acting emotionally. You have argued that you get nothing out of letting people critique your movies early. You may be right. But guess what, you're a part of something bigger, something you dreamed about when you were a kid. I know this because you've been on Ebert's show. I know this because you review movies sometimes yourself. Talking about movies is awesome. Critics talk about movies. Therefore, that's awesome. You know this in your heart. You know that discourse of any kind about movies is something special and cool and that shutting it down is something you only want to do because you're mad. Stop it, man. Stop it. Especially considering that you're about to have what I believe could be your finest moment as a director. Run that shit out there! Get people's eyes on it! If they hate it, who the hell cares, you love it anyway, right? I promise you, I'm going to have to see it whether 100% of critics slap it around.

Worst of all, you are so active on Twitter. Why is that worst of all? Because it means you're aware of the power of digital conversation. The guys online who review movies and such, they're good people. They're forged from the fires of Internet anonymity and the loose journalistic rules that go with that, sure. They're a teeming mass of democratized criticism, and your overactive use of Twitter shows you get why. You understand that this new technology affords us the opportunity to speak more often. Hell, I read your responses more than I read critics who tore you down! Beyond all of that, if you hadn't made it into movies, if your grand experiment had failed, you would be one of us...and you know it.

Here's my suggestion: Screen the shit out of Red State. Be the affable everyman that you are, the weirdly American blend of narcissism and humility, go out there and promote the crap out of it. Be friendly to the online guys and shrug off their criticism. Ignore the big name critics if they slap you down and embrace them if they don't. Because this angry stuff...this isn't the guy I grew up with.

Kev, buddy, I dissed on some of your movies. I did. I also loved the ever-lovin' crap out of some of your movies. I don't like everything my own friends and family do, you can't expect everyone to like everything you do. But you know there's a value in it. It's time to come back to the fold, burn the angry schtick, and make nicey nice. Because I fear if you don't, you're going to miss something amazing with Red State and as a fan of yours from way back, I don't want that to happen, okay?

In conclusion: Listen to me and everything will be cool.

Thanks, and my wife says "hi."


Follow me on Twitter. That's not just for Kev, that's for everybody.

entered on 01/12/11 at 09:48 PM | read comments »

Cutting Room for January 12

  • What better way for Eminem to prove he should be taken seriously as an actor than to star in Random Acts of Violence, a film originally written as a take on the video game “Grand Theft Auto”? While Em wasn’t going to completely win over critics who dismiss him as verbally malevolent, I’m guessing any chance he had of separating his acting from his music is about to get shot in the face.

  • How do you replace Jim Carrey, Sean Penn and Benicio del Toro? With Johnny Knoxville, Andy Samberg and a relatively obscure Australian comedian named Shane Jacobson. Duh. The Farrelly brothers’ Three Stooges has lingered long enough to lose the very cast that made it interesting in the first place, and the current shortlist for Moe, Larry and Curly sure does scream “You weren’t our first choice,” doesn’t it?

  • In case you were wondering, NASA has officially ruled that 2012, the John Cusack movie in which the earth gets fiery diarrhea, is scientifically absurd. In a move to get some press, they released a list of most plausible and least plausible sci-fi movies. Thanks, NASA … this will really help us defend your funding.

  • Straight out of Kick-Ass, a real-life “superhero” named “Phoenix Jones” stopped a car-jacking in Seattle. The dude is part of the “Rain City Superhero Movement,” which is like the Justice League of America for people who want to die while looking ridiculous. Police say the vigilantes are lucky they haven’t been hurt yet, suggesting they should “act as good witnesses” rather than put themselves in danger. Don’t worry, Jones explains everyone on the team “either has a military background or a mixed martial arts background.” Rest easy, Seattle.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at and on Twitter (

entered on 01/12/11 at 07:59 PM | read comments »

Tuesday’s square round-up

I need advice on what to call these daily editions. I am reserving the term "junk drawer" for my Friday column, because it's pulled from the whole week (and if there was other junk around, my junk wouldn't feel as special...and my junk is very special, right?). Thursday is now the day of Things You Should Buy Me, so what do we call the daily collection of news on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday? Does each one get their own special name? Do my titles matter at all? Do I just leave it as "Cutting Room for Tuesday" or do I go funny and call it something like "Tuesday's Square Round-Up"? I need someone, anyone, to weigh in on this incredibly important matter. It may seem trivial to you, but I assure you that the fate of a nation, NAY, the fate of humanity may well rest in what I decide to call my daily dumping. Hey, look at that, what about "Daily Dumping?" Then I get to make poo jokes Monday through Wednesday, a narcissism joke on Thursday, and a genitalia joke on Friday. It's a win, win, win, win, win. Right? Here's my today's dump:

Because when I want advice about story, I go to James Cameron

The plot of Titanic would have made for a shitty Harlequin romance novel. You know what, that's probably a disservice to novels like "Thrusting Blossoms" and "Prick of Thorns." The plot of Avatar may well have been taken directly from Disney's Pocohontas. Hell, True Lies was as tonally schizophrenic and well-conceived as a serial killer's mix tape. Even great movies like Aliens aren't great because James "I'm a Doo-Doo Head" Cameron wrote the crap out of them. He has a sense for visual exhilaration and gorgeous action. So when he begins squawking about how Peter Berg's upcoming Battleship is a sign of an ongoing "story crisis" in Hollywood, I would have to say "Right, but you started it." The two biggest grossing movies of ALL TIME could have plots that barely fill one cocktail napkin. They are riddled with recycled tropes and themes, and Berg is somehow supposed to take shit from Cameron? Whatever. Just like it sucks that Cameron is so successful, it also sucks that he's right. Yes, there is a story crisis. No, he's not above it. Also, I'm forever forward using the image above for stories about the semi-mullet, chinless wonder. Why? Because it's a reminder that Kathryn Bigelow is classy and beautiful and he's a sea-troll obsessed with turtlenecks.

Musical notes

Get it? Because musicals know what, I try hard at this, okay?! Despite apparently trying to kill its cast and maim its audience with awful storytelling, the Spidey musical was the number one attraction last week on Broadway. I'm sure it had something to do both with people wanting to be there for the first fatality as much as Spidey's universal appeal. It's technically just in the preview phase, which means they still have a few weeks to completely rewrite the script and find a way not to murder the performers. Seriously, the reviews consist of "it's's's stupid." If it holds up at this level of revenue, it's also a hit. Also interesting is this:

Once is coming to Broadway! The charming indie Irish music-based movie should charm the shit out of audiences in real life just like it did on the screen. I can't tell you how deeply affecting the movie and music were, so if they can bottle that and sell it in a new way, good for them!

You can't keep James Bond down...without using sex.

Despite the death-roar of MGM, Bond will rise again. Yes, that's right, there will be a 007 23. It will hit in 2012. No one is surprised by this news, but it is good news. If I were the powers that be here, I would make sure it ends the current trilogy by really breaking out the big name bad guys and digging into the great world laid out by the last two movies. I liked both of them quite a bit but am ready for Jimmy B to fight someone other than the super secret terrorist organization's accountant (yes, that's really who he fought last time). Bring out the big boys like...BLOFELD?!

Breathe easy, Middle Earth

These guys are officially back for The Hobbit. You can relax now.

That's it for today. Let's meet up tomorrow where I'll reveal if I've stuck with "Daily Dump" as a title (hint: things are looking good on that front). In the meantime, follow me on Twitter or NONE SHALL PASS.

entered on 01/11/11 at 09:59 PM | read comments »

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