Ryan’s Junk Drawer For January 7

"With great junk, comes great responsibility" - Better Off Ted

I swear on my life I would post blogs more often if this new system didn't sporadically swallow them whole. I crafted for you a brilliant cornucopia of words. A hilarious, breathtaking, bouncy blend of verb and noun that was just totally gone when I tried to post it. Ever flush a chunk of your life straight down a toilet? Sigh. Now I am left recreating what I previously said because I don't have a copy and it makes me want to stab something. And for some reason, there's never a mediocre pop star around when something needs stabbing.

So the jokes went something like this: Hey, isn't it awesome that you can now kick off the weekend with my junk? It used to be that you'd be too tired from work during most of the work week to even consider enjoying my junk, but now you don't have to worry about juggling anything else, you can just sit back and let my junk wash over you. It was so much funnier the first time, but seriously, retyping ideas you half-remember when the internet borks you is just irritating. Now comes the part where I explain that I really don't mean what you think I mean by saying "junk." I mean movie tidbits that I don't think are important enough to warrant their own blog post, but I say junk because I have the humor quotient of a 12-year-old sometimes. Seriously, say "duty" to me sometime, you'll see what I mean.

We kick off each installment of my junk (now permanently staying on Fridays) by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an item, write a goofy story, and laugh at it while nobody else does. Why? Why does anybody do anything on the internet: self-pleasure. This week's item is the pink square in the upper left corner. Peggy was not like the other moms at the PTA. Oh sure, just like the rest of them she thought "Modern Family" was the funniest show on TV, loathed her husband's decades-old decision to stop guarding his bodily functions, and thought LOLCats was LOL-tastic, but it stopped there. Peggy had another passion. One she could only share through art. Starting with a tiny pink scrap of paper, Peggy's inspired portrait grew until she knew it had to actually become a part of her in a physical, incredibly shameful way. Hundreds of dollars and a not insignificant amount of pain later, Peggy had something to finally show the other PTA moms who she REALLY was.

That's real. The story obviously isn't, but that is a very real thing. Yicky yicky yicky. Okay, that's over. Now we can really focus on my junk.

1.) Knocked Up 2: Knock-der Up-der? – Director Judd Apatow's next movie is not a sequel. Why? Because he says it isn't. Oh, sure, some people would call a movie in which characters who appeared in a previous movie from the same writer/director a sequel, but some people call a tomato a fruit. Just because Paul Rudd and Leslie Bibb will be revisiting their characters from Knocked Up doesn't mean it's a sequel.

Heaven's no. Why would it? I love semantic arguments based on trying to cling to artistic dignity. Look, Apatow, just make a better movie than Funny People and we're good, okay? Seriously, the second half of that movie was more of a chore than scrubbing my house with a baby toothbrush. The funniest part was Aziz Ansari's fake comedian who barely appeared. So make your non-sequel that's totally a sequel. Just make it funny.

2.) What, do you want Lucas’ kids to starve? - It's time to buy Star Wars again. What? Just because you bought the originals on VHS, the special editions on VHS, the special editions on DVD, and the prequels on DVD doesn't mean you shouldn't ALSO buy the complete set of all 6 movies (well, four and a half movies if you're judging by quality) on Blu-Ray for $140.

George Lucas is the fan-boy Ike Turner. He keeps slapping the shit out of us and we keep giving him our money. That image above that's totally adorable and perfect for this piece is from Mike Jacobsen, and it rules. Why? Because stuff inspired by this series is now better than the actual series. Sad truth.

3.) When you think about it, life IS really all about boats and hoes – I didn't like Step Brothers. I thought it was obvious, obnoxious, and simple. I tired of Ferrell's schtick, even if I still hunger for John C Reilly. I may change my mind though.

The duo is actually making a rap album in character. Meaning we get more of the funniest part of the movie to me, which is the brilliant "Boats n Hoes." The best part, and I swear I am not making this up, Ferrell claims Mos Def is producing the album. God that's great. Tell you what, if the album is as funny as I think it is, I will stop saying bad things about the movie that spawned it. I won't say nice things, but I won't say mean things. I'll basically treat it like an estranged relative.

4.) This Summer: Follow the breadcrumbs, Gretel gets sexy!

The new trend is to sex up old fairy tales. I don't know why. But we've got the Little Red Riding Hood humpfest with Amanda Seyfried, two competing Snow White projects, and now news that Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner may star in a Hansel and Gretel retread wherein the kids are now grown-up witch hunters. Cool? Well, I like looking at Arterton, and Renner is a bad ass, but it sounds a little Van Helsing to me. Sure, if it were gothic and awesome I'd be in, but I think we're going to get more Prince of Persia than Brothers Grimm on acid. Whatever, at least the trend isn't making CGI versions of formerly great cartoons interacting in live environments. That'd be sad.

5.) Trailers, Parked – Some interesting ones for you this week. Well, two interesting ones and a Keanu Reeves movie.

Let's start there. Henry’s Crime is a heist movie (big plus) starring Reeves (big minus) with romantic elements (and we're in the negative). The trailer looks passable, but I swear you could make a decent trailer out of anything that doesn't star Miley Cyrus.

I didn't want to see No Strings Attached . Really. I know it's a Natalie Portman movie, but Ashton Kutcher touches her a lot in it. That's like seeing the people who handle your food in a restaurant. I just want to believe it fell from heaven like Natalie. Then I heard that there's a red-band trailer and that the movie (and the trailer, you've been warned) is peppered with F-bombs and nudity. I don't think Ms. Portman will strip. She didn't even do that for Black Swan and trust me if she was gonna do it, she was gonna do it for that movie. Still, interesting to know that this generic romantic comedy has a wild side. A very calculated wild side, but still...

Finally, I'm a bit late with this Red State trailer. Still, it's worth noting that this project from Kevin Smith could resurrect his career and my opinion of him. It looks...really, really good. And knowing that it is a direct slam on the sons of bitches from Westboro Baptist Church, those soulless harpies who are planning on protesting the funeral for the vice principal who was killed at my old high-school, makes me love it all the more. I hope they're forced to watch this...I personally can't wait!

Red State - Coming 2011 from Red State on Vimeo.

Okay that's it. I'm done. Twice actually. I'm over the anger though. I'll hit you up with the box office predictions shortly, but in the meantime, have a good one and follow me on Twitter!


entered on 01/07/11 at 05:36 PM | read comments »


Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 60)

Okay, you don't have to buy me anything this week. I accept that I have done nothing worthy of your free swag this week, in that I promised you no absences and then promptly took the next day off. In my defense: (A) - This new system is NOT as user friendly for quick posting, (2) - I am easily distracted, (C) - I probably deserve lots of gifts for all my hard work previous to this during which time very few people bought me anything, and (4) - I'm sleepy tired.

Before we get started with this week's installment of the coolest of the hottest stuffs on the interwebs available for purchase (note that I said for purchase, otherwise this list would just consist of three pictures of Evangeline Lilly each week), a programming note: I'm shifting my junk. Obviously, long-time readers and non-perverts know that means I'm moving my regular Ryan's Junk Drawer column permanently to Fridays, not that I'm adjusting myself like a professional ball-player. We're moving "Things You Should Buy Me" to Thursday and my Junk to Friday. Why? Two reasons: (A) - I want to and (2) - It was always the idea. I was originally doing "weekly wrap up" columns on Friday, which is really what the Junk Drawer is, so it makes more sense to do that and cover all the little news stories in a given week. Oh, and I'm hella busy on Thursdays so doing the "Buy Me" column should help with that.

Given all that...I somehow STILL have one more thing to tell you before I preview the coolest stuff on the web for purchase (or, more specifically, that should be purchased and sent to me by contact me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and getting my address...shockingly few of you do that). Here are two things I actually DID get bought for me. Sure, they were Christmas presents, but they were nerd related and they were rad. Yes, I said rad. I'm BRINGING RAD BACK. I've decided that's one of my 2011 resolutions. It goes (1) Bring "rad" back and (B) continue to confuse people by interchanging letters and numbers in my lists. How am I doing so far?

Here's what I got:

This is a "Tannenbomb"

It is available from ThinkGeek and it is awesome. Here's how it works: It's an AWESOME ORNAMENT THAT FEATURES A JOINT ZOMBIE VERSUS ROBOT APOCALYPSE!!! Okay, that's part one. What you do is, you give this to a nerd friend of yours in the box that comes INSIDE the box from ThinkGeek. When they hang it up, it activates a switch that intermittently makes strange noises. Then your friend (in this case, me) freak out trying to figure out how a cricket or squirrel or robot got inside your house. True, this would likely have to wait until next year for Christmas to be effective, but hey, it's like 8 bucks of rad. Abbie (my wife) did this to me and then I did it to my parents and so on. That sounded weird but you know what I mean.

I also got these:

You can buy them here. But I don't need to, because I got them for free. They are so incredibly awesome. I've never seen comic book glasses this sturdy (they're thick), colorful (the Cap is just awesome), and this classic and iconic. I can't decide if liquid will ever go inside of them or not.

Okay, now that we've done the "what I got" portion, let's FINALLY get to the stuff I want going forward:

1.) No, really, I need this...a lot - I don't know how you can call yourself a true Kubrick fan and not own this:

Yeah, that's a "Monolith" action figure. You know, for your monkeys to throw bones in front of! How long have we had to make do with our own mock-ups simulating this epically play-with-able toy? Too long! FAR TOO LONG! I swear to you, when they started that whole Jesus and Sigmund Freud action figure thing, I thought it was lame. But we've finally gotten around to the coolest, weirdest toy ever. So rad. B.) It's adorable terror - Isn't it cute?

It used to be that you had to DECIDE between paying homage to a classic sci-fi comedy and robbing a bank, but now you can do both! Fashionably Geek has created a terrifying blend of winter wear and giant marshmallow monster. The best part is, it STILL sullies the series less than Dan Ackroyd is trying to by making a third movie. ZING! I'd be worried about Ackroyd rage, but he's been expanding so fast I'm pretty sure he's bed ridden. What? It comes from a place of concern, I promise.

3.) Boom. Mission accomplished - Do you know what this is?

Yes, it's a T-shirt of a skateboarding dinosaur. But do you know what the name of that shirt is? Tyrannosaurus Rad. That's right. Rad. Boom. Mission over for 2011, I effectively brought rad back. What's next? That's so impressive, I just KNOW someone is going to buy me something this week. Right?

Okay, come back tomorrow to see my junk!

Follow me on Twitter because doing so is...wait for it...rad.


entered on 01/06/11 at 09:25 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for January 5

I was appalled (and oddly intrigued) at the instruction I received from my editor this week, until I realized she told me to grab my crystal ball for this week’s column. Let’s just say the first draft of this installment was a little saucier until I realized she wanted predictions. So here’s the best brief supposition and speculation I can suppose to speculate:

  • 3D will D-cline: Studios aren’t seeing the kind of massive returns they fantasized about in their liquid-asset dreams. Although they are adding a little to the bottom line (like Tron: Legacy getting 25 percent of its gross from IMAX/3D add-ons), there are an increasing number of duds and thuds (we’re looking at you, Yogi), continued critical backlash and a dramatically lower audience turnout. The trend ain’t dead, but I predict 2011 will see an ebb and not a flow in third dimensionality.

  • We’ll feel the Payne: Although no date has been announced, I predict 2011 will include the first finished full-length project from Omaha’s favorite directorial son since 2004. The Descendants stars George Clooney alongside some great character actors and Matthew Lillard, who will no longer have to keep proving he’s still alive on his IMDB page. Even if Payne weren’t a Nebraska fella, I’d pray that this prediction would come true.

  • Quick hits: Here are some rapid tidbits for you: I think next year’s Harry Potter finale will be the top grosser. I think our humble Cutting Room blog will change and grow by leaps and bounds (with your help). I think all of our local theaters will survive and thrive (no contractions here). I think the Omaha Film Festival will set another record for attendance. I think I’m thinking too much.

So here’s hoping that our years don’t follow the Star Trek movie curse, and an odd digit means even better things!

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 01/05/11 at 06:08 PM | read comments »


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Nightcrawler

A condemnation of crime pornography with a chilling central character.

GRADE
A


John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

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C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Yes, They Mean You

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Fury Is Missing Fast

Inside of writer/director David Ayer’s Fury is a tight, 90-minute, “we will hold this line” war movie populated with complex...

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The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula...

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Everyone is Awful

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