Box Office Results for the weekend of January 14

There was a glitch in my HTML coding, which sounds like a nerdy way of saying I had diarrhea or something. But what really happened is that I forgot to slash or unslash inside a carrot and for some reason it ate all of my numbers associated with my predictions on Friday. Not that anybody NOTICED OR TOLD ME OR ANYTHING! Jeez, it's like a guy whose zipper was so unzipped you could see all of Florida and the Florida Keys and nobody said anything. Thanks. Well, it's fixed now, and as you can see (or will see) no cheating occurred, as The King's Speech began what could be a month-plus-long repeated boning of yours truly. Not only is it outperforming what I thought box office-wise, but there's a good chance it will get awards it doesn't deserve. I fully expect this testament to mediocrity to be a pea beneath my mattress for some time to come. In other news, The Green Hornet is a quasi-hit, True Grit and Black Swan are mega-hits, and Little Fockers is already a bad memory that Robert DeNiro is making jokes about. Let's see how the weekend panned out, haiku style!

1.) The Green Hornet - $40 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)
It's a little sting,
but it's a sting none-the-less
Chin up, Seth Rogen.

2.) The Dilemma - $17 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 97%)
At least both of the lead guys
are quite used to that.

3.) True Grit - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)
This is impressive!
Word of mouth is just so strong.
Now, more Westerns please?

4.) The King's Speech - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)
Surprising result
given how bland this one is.
More like The King's Meh

5.) Black Swan - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)
I can't believe this.
Lesbian ballerinas?!
That's box office gold.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 77%
Not my finest hour
But the Chicago Bears won!
So I do not care.

Follow me on Twitter!

entered on 01/18/11 at 09:29 PM | read comments »

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions for January 14

Well, it's a big weekend. Oh, not for movies, those mostly suck right now. I'll be spending 100% of my energy trying to will my Chicago Bears not to blow ass against the inferior but dangerous Seattle Seahawks. Remember, Pete Caroll is a horrible person who feeds off the souls of children. Bear down, Chicago Bears! And I urge you if you are not FROM Seattle or married to Pete Caroll, I sure could use your good wishes going to the Monsters of the Midway.

Right, this is a movie blog. Blah, blah, mediocre superhero movie with Seth Rogen looking skinny (good for him, diabetes is a motherfrakker). Blah, blah, don't see The Dilemma because they chose to keep in a "that's gay" joke and because it's as funny as a "that's gay" joke. I really don't have much else to say about this crappy crop. Well, nothing that can't be said in haiku.

Here's how I see it:

1.) The Green Hornet- $35 million
Skinny Seth Rogen
fights the evil Hans Landa.
And yet...not that cool.

2.) The Dilemma - $16 million
The big dilemma?
What to do with Ron Howard.
I'm thinking swirlies.

3.) True Grit - $12 million
This keeps making cash
Guess the Western is NOT dead
That gets a YEEEE HAAAW!

4.) Little Fockers - $9 million
True Grit will beat this.
Not just this week, but total.
Now THAT'S some justice.

5.) Black Swan - $8 million
Is that really possible?
You're damn straight it is.

WILDCARD - Tron Legacy -$7 million
Talk of a sequel
But given its history,
that could take decades.

Okay, that's it. You have a BEARy great weekend, and I'll see you on Monday!

Follow me on Twitter (and root for The Bears).

entered on 01/14/11 at 11:53 PM | read comments »

Ryan’s Junk Drawer for January 14

"With great junk, comes great responsibility" - Better Off Ted

It's probably been hard for you to stay focused at work today when you've been wondering when you're going to see my junk. It sneaks up on you sometimes, my junk. You'll just be working away and then, WHAMMO right on your computer screen is all of my junk. What if your boss catches you looking at my junk? Oh, hell, it's worth it, right? To be fair, your boss would love my junk too, if your boss would just give it a try. Everyone should, and one day God willing WILL, try my junk.

Obviously, by "junk" I mean movie tidbits that I scoop up into the dustpan of my mind during the week and then empty out into one handy-dandy blog post. I call it a "junk drawer" because it is a way for me to make jokes that are childish and about genitalia without having to call something explicitly raunchy. And believe me, it was almost an X-rated column title. We start each week by looking at the creepy-ass image above taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I always put the "for children" in caps. Someone asked me why the other day and I told them that it was because I always construed that part as a threat by the magazine. It wasn't like they were bragging, it seemed malicious somehow. Anyway, I pick an item from the picture and make a funny story about it for no good reason.

Today's item is the tiny braid in the corner. Ashley was a big Adam Sandler fan. Ashley also looooved licking lead-based paint and eating expired food stuffs. One day, this combination proved to be too much for her fragile, warped mind to accept. While watching the cinematic hate crime that is You Don't Mess With the Zohan, Ashley became enthralled that she stopped her favorite game "Hit-self-in-face" long enough to find a pair of scissors. She waited until the family was asleep and then began her masterwork. By the time she was finished, the only hair left was a tiny braid atop her head, which her parents cut off just to stick it to her. They kept the lock of hair as a souvenir, knowing that Ashley had a long future running for political office ahead of her.

Okay, enough shenanigans, let's do this thing! Here's my junk this week:

1.) Black Swan now 90% ickier - Slashfilm Gave me a good reason to find the already significantly not okay relationship between mother and daughter in Natalie Portman's latest even more NOT OKAY.

Look away or read on to the next handy-dandy numbered entry if you're a spoilerphobe here. Okay, so it's like this: The dude who wrote into Slashfilm suggests that Nina's mom is doing the bad things to her privates. Yeah, you heard that right, he thinks that she's not only an overbearing, vicious creature, but that she touches her daughter in the swimsuit areas. It makes sense in part, but I think the theory doesn't really add much to the overall film. I'm repeating here because I like thinking about things that may be suggested but not stated in movies. I mean, I don't LIKE it in this case because incest is pretty much the worst thing in the history of things, but it is interesting to consider. The gang at Slashfilm dismiss it because the rest of the film isn't too subtle in its themes. I dismiss it because I don't see how it would benefit the story or the overall thematic elements. Also, if this hasn't been stressed enough, ew.

2.) The costume REVISITED! - You didn't really think I was going to just spend a few sentences on THIS did you?


The most astonishing thing about this costume is that I like it. I was all set to hate on this movie, but wow did this first image just hit it out of the park. The subtle differences in the costume, the arm swirls, the dripping spider, the darker tones, the pock-marked netting, are all totally spot on. I love it. I love how lean he looks, which is how Spidey has always been in the comics. I do worry about the mask, which is always the trickiest part. Those eyes have to be just right or the whole thing is thrown off, but initially I'm loving this, and I'm loving how Garfield looks in the role. Now, the most exciting part, there DOES appear to be mechanical web shooters. This is a big thing for us nerds. Why? Well part of Peter Parker's allure has always been his nerdiness. He was accidentally bitten by a spider, but he INVENTED the webbing. I know it doesn't feel "realistic" that a kid could do that. But dammit, he was bit by a mutated spider that gave him powers. We'll allow him to invent webbing. The thing is, it's a character point more than anything. Peter should be a science nerd with a big brain, and the mechanical web shooters embody that. If they're back, which it appears they might be, this is a heck of a nod to fans like me. I'm not ready to smile about this project yet, but between Emma Stone and this image, I'm starting to grin a little.

3.) Kissing and banging, now with bigger eyes and spikey hair - Shane Black rules. His Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang remains one of my favorites ever. Oh yeah, and he did invent Lethal Weapon. You remember, the cop movie that was really good before Mel Gibson decided he hated anything not white and Christian? Anyway, Black is known for his cop work, so it's no surprise his next movie deals heavily with cops and bad guys.

Oh, and demons. Yeah, Black is going to direct an American version of the Japanese Manga "Death Note," which is about a kid who can have a demon kill people when he writes their name in a book...or something close to that. It's confusing, even though I read the first few volumes. Black has never trucked with special effects or supernatural crap before, but he's not writing the script. What this shows me is that the movie will be well grounded in a familiar world...and will also feature really gothic looking monsters. It's like Rush Hour meets Angel Heart. I mean, it isn't at all, but wouldn't that be rad?

4.) Wright writes and rewrites! Right on! - And to think I almost gave up hope.

Although I'm not a slobbering devotee of Scott Pilgrim like many of my peers, I did like it. And I have loved Edgar Wright's other work. Thus, news that he has returned to the script for Ant-Man, Marvel's first, ahem, SMALLER superhero, is encouraging. Who knows if and when we'll actually see this thing, but I rejoice in the knowledge that it is at the very least possible if not probable. Allow me to join the chants of millions (or at the very least dozens): "GIVE US SIMON PEGG AS ANT-MAN!" At the very least, give us something new. That's my hope. My hope is that Wright pegs off his last project and makes this one something unique and awesome. I'm really hopeful about this...which means it will never, ever happen. But I'm a Bears and Cubs fan, so I will continue to hope that it will.

5.) Trailers, parked - Some goodies this week, including something slightly off-beat.

Happythankyoumoreplease is our first trailer this week, and it looks...interesting. Quirky? We're going to have to start finding a new adjective for indie movies, as it seems like this is the only one anybody uses. I'm going to go with "delicious" for the time being. Oooh, or "shaggy". Nothing these days is ever shaggy.

Battle: Los Angeles keeps looking better and better and better. Everything I see gets me more friggin' psyched for this one. It looks like the invasion movie I've wanted to see since Independence Day half-assed its way into my heart.

Priest makes no sense. It looks bizarre and kind of stupid. Also, it looks kind of awesome. Is this dumb-cool or dumb-dumb? Only time will tell.

I hope you enjoyed my junk this week! You can always leave a comment for me like a note on a nightstand, it's always a sign of respect.

Follow me on Twitter and I'll buy you a pony!!!*

*Note: Pony is invisible.

entered on 01/14/11 at 10:29 PM | read comments »

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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The epic conclusion to the most epic of epics.


The Babadook

A terrifying tale of an ooky pop-up book and motherly love.


The Tale of Princess Kaguya

A water-colored take on a Japanese folktale that is prettier than it is interesting.


The Theory of Everything

"Out of this world" performances buoy a sub-par script.


Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1

Half of what promises to be an epic conclusion to a fabulous series.



A delirously fun satirical send up of artistic pretension. 


The Overnighters

"The Grapes of Wrath" in documentary form set in North Dakota.



If this was humanity's last hope, give up.


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Leni Riefen-stalling

On the one hand, any film subtitled “Part 1” is a naked cash grab. On the other hand, shut up and take my money, Hunger...

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Oopsie Genius

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