Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 60)

Okay, you don't have to buy me anything this week. I accept that I have done nothing worthy of your free swag this week, in that I promised you no absences and then promptly took the next day off. In my defense: (A) - This new system is NOT as user friendly for quick posting, (2) - I am easily distracted, (C) - I probably deserve lots of gifts for all my hard work previous to this during which time very few people bought me anything, and (4) - I'm sleepy tired.

Before we get started with this week's installment of the coolest of the hottest stuffs on the interwebs available for purchase (note that I said for purchase, otherwise this list would just consist of three pictures of Evangeline Lilly each week), a programming note: I'm shifting my junk. Obviously, long-time readers and non-perverts know that means I'm moving my regular Ryan's Junk Drawer column permanently to Fridays, not that I'm adjusting myself like a professional ball-player. We're moving "Things You Should Buy Me" to Thursday and my Junk to Friday. Why? Two reasons: (A) - I want to and (2) - It was always the idea. I was originally doing "weekly wrap up" columns on Friday, which is really what the Junk Drawer is, so it makes more sense to do that and cover all the little news stories in a given week. Oh, and I'm hella busy on Thursdays so doing the "Buy Me" column should help with that.

Given all that...I somehow STILL have one more thing to tell you before I preview the coolest stuff on the web for purchase (or, more specifically, that should be purchased and sent to me by contact me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and getting my address...shockingly few of you do that). Here are two things I actually DID get bought for me. Sure, they were Christmas presents, but they were nerd related and they were rad. Yes, I said rad. I'm BRINGING RAD BACK. I've decided that's one of my 2011 resolutions. It goes (1) Bring "rad" back and (B) continue to confuse people by interchanging letters and numbers in my lists. How am I doing so far?

Here's what I got:

This is a "Tannenbomb"

It is available from ThinkGeek and it is awesome. Here's how it works: It's an AWESOME ORNAMENT THAT FEATURES A JOINT ZOMBIE VERSUS ROBOT APOCALYPSE!!! Okay, that's part one. What you do is, you give this to a nerd friend of yours in the box that comes INSIDE the box from ThinkGeek. When they hang it up, it activates a switch that intermittently makes strange noises. Then your friend (in this case, me) freak out trying to figure out how a cricket or squirrel or robot got inside your house. True, this would likely have to wait until next year for Christmas to be effective, but hey, it's like 8 bucks of rad. Abbie (my wife) did this to me and then I did it to my parents and so on. That sounded weird but you know what I mean.

I also got these:

You can buy them here. But I don't need to, because I got them for free. They are so incredibly awesome. I've never seen comic book glasses this sturdy (they're thick), colorful (the Cap is just awesome), and this classic and iconic. I can't decide if liquid will ever go inside of them or not.

Okay, now that we've done the "what I got" portion, let's FINALLY get to the stuff I want going forward:

1.) No, really, I need this...a lot - I don't know how you can call yourself a true Kubrick fan and not own this:

Yeah, that's a "Monolith" action figure. You know, for your monkeys to throw bones in front of! How long have we had to make do with our own mock-ups simulating this epically play-with-able toy? Too long! FAR TOO LONG! I swear to you, when they started that whole Jesus and Sigmund Freud action figure thing, I thought it was lame. But we've finally gotten around to the coolest, weirdest toy ever. So rad. B.) It's adorable terror - Isn't it cute?

It used to be that you had to DECIDE between paying homage to a classic sci-fi comedy and robbing a bank, but now you can do both! Fashionably Geek has created a terrifying blend of winter wear and giant marshmallow monster. The best part is, it STILL sullies the series less than Dan Ackroyd is trying to by making a third movie. ZING! I'd be worried about Ackroyd rage, but he's been expanding so fast I'm pretty sure he's bed ridden. What? It comes from a place of concern, I promise.

3.) Boom. Mission accomplished - Do you know what this is?

Yes, it's a T-shirt of a skateboarding dinosaur. But do you know what the name of that shirt is? Tyrannosaurus Rad. That's right. Rad. Boom. Mission over for 2011, I effectively brought rad back. What's next? That's so impressive, I just KNOW someone is going to buy me something this week. Right?

Okay, come back tomorrow to see my junk!

Follow me on Twitter because doing so is...wait for it...rad.


entered on 01/06/11 at 09:25 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for January 5

I was appalled (and oddly intrigued) at the instruction I received from my editor this week, until I realized she told me to grab my crystal ball for this week’s column. Let’s just say the first draft of this installment was a little saucier until I realized she wanted predictions. So here’s the best brief supposition and speculation I can suppose to speculate:

  • 3D will D-cline: Studios aren’t seeing the kind of massive returns they fantasized about in their liquid-asset dreams. Although they are adding a little to the bottom line (like Tron: Legacy getting 25 percent of its gross from IMAX/3D add-ons), there are an increasing number of duds and thuds (we’re looking at you, Yogi), continued critical backlash and a dramatically lower audience turnout. The trend ain’t dead, but I predict 2011 will see an ebb and not a flow in third dimensionality.

  • We’ll feel the Payne: Although no date has been announced, I predict 2011 will include the first finished full-length project from Omaha’s favorite directorial son since 2004. The Descendants stars George Clooney alongside some great character actors and Matthew Lillard, who will no longer have to keep proving he’s still alive on his IMDB page. Even if Payne weren’t a Nebraska fella, I’d pray that this prediction would come true.

  • Quick hits: Here are some rapid tidbits for you: I think next year’s Harry Potter finale will be the top grosser. I think our humble Cutting Room blog will change and grow by leaps and bounds (with your help). I think all of our local theaters will survive and thrive (no contractions here). I think the Omaha Film Festival will set another record for attendance. I think I’m thinking too much.

So here’s hoping that our years don’t follow the Star Trek movie curse, and an odd digit means even better things!

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 01/05/11 at 06:08 PM | read comments »


All the news I feel like printing for Tuesday

Sorry this is later in the day. It's hard to get back into the swing of things after you've been gone for so long. I feel like Michael Jordan after he retired to play baseball trying to find his jump shot again. Of course, there's one pretty obvious difference between me and MJ: I live in Omaha.

Things are starting to pick up again after the holiday lull, meaning an egg nogg-and-rum hangover officially lasts 12 days. We have a smattering of minor casting news, Pixariffic information, award nominations, a clay Machete, and the cast photo of a remake of a Charlie Sheen movie (uncross your fingers, it's not a remake of Money Talks).

First up, Monsters Inc 2 is coming...like it or not. I for one like it...but I like a lot of things that nobody else likes, such as sleeping in cold temperatures and "Saturday Night Live." The interwebs went crazy about NEW NEWS REGARDING THIS IMPENDING PIXAR SEQUEL!!!! OMG!!! Except...the news came from an interview that's reeeeeaaaaally old. So take it with a gigantic grain of salt that next year, these two lovable monsters may be starring in a PREQUEL where they are in college.

Whatever. Sounds good to me. I'd trust Pixar to babysit my child at this point. Hell, I may trust Pixar to father a child at this point. Furthermore on the Pixar front, the Toy Story characters are STILL not done being played with yet. No, they're not launching Toy Story 4 (yet), but they are returning in a short that will be in front of...sigh...Cars 2. The automobile-animated extravaganza represents the least promising Pixar work yet, screaming "SHOW ME THE MONEY" louder than Cuba Gooding Jr (and I don't mean in Jerry Maguire, I mean when he robbed someone at gunpoint for money to eat yesterday). Still, news that Buzz and Woody will be in front of that money-grubber makes me happy. Apparently, the short will follow Barbie and Ken as their honeymoon to Hawaii is canceled, forcing the gang to give them a staycation, It's A Wonderful Life style. So...yay, the toys are back...again...

Speaking of back, after showing us her Beaver with Mel Gibson (never gonna get old), Jodie Foster is going to star in a project that continues to leap up my most anticipated scale.

The film is Elysium, and I have no idea what it's about. All I know is that it's Neill Blomkamp's follow-up to District 9...so I'm good with that. Also starring Sharlto Copely and Matt Damon, all we know is that the film is "set on another world." Maybe in that world, Foster is open about her sexuality and Gibson isn't racist. What? I said maybe.

Beauty and the Beast 3D is indeed happening! It's just happening some place much closer to you than theaters. No, not in your pants. That's a good guess though.

Instead, the hairy/pretty duo will be all up in the third dimension ONLY on Blu-Ray and not in theaters. This is delightful news to suckers like me who just bought their wives the movie on regular Blu-Ray. Thanks, Disney!!

Writer's Guild Nominations always seem smart to me. Maybe because they're given to writers? I generally like those guys. There are so many weird rules for each award ceremony, so just know that not all the best movies were even allowed to be nominated. Here they are:

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

  • Black Swan, Screenplay by Mark Heyman and Andres Heinz and John McLaughlin; Story by Andres Heinz
  • The Fighter, Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson; Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
  • Inception, Written by Christopher Nolan
  • The Kids Are All Right, Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
  • Please Give, Written by Nicole Holofcener

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

  • 127 Hours, Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy; Based on the book Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston
  • I Love You Phillip Morris, Written by John Requa & Glenn Ficarra; Based on the book by Steven McVicker
  • The Social Network, Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin; Based on the book The Accidental Billionaires by Ben Mezrich
  • The Town, Screenplay by Peter Craig and Ben Affleck & Aaron Stockard; Based on the novel Prince of Thieves by Chuck Hogan
  • True Grit, Screenplay by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen; Based on the novel by Charles Portis

DOCUMENTARY SCREENPLAY

  • Enemies of the People, Written, Directed, Filmed and Produced by Rob Lemkin and Thet Sambath
  • Freedom Riders, Written, Produced and Directed by Stanley Nelson
  • Gasland, Written and Directed by Josh Fo
  • Inside Job, Produced, Written and Directed by Charles Ferguson; Co-written by Chad Beck, Adam Bolt
  • The Two Escobars, Written by Michael Zimbalist, Jeff Zimbalist
  • Who Is Harry Nilsson (And Why Is Everybody Talkin’ About Him)?, Written and Directed by John Scheinfeld

An interesting batch of nominees. None surprising...can't think of any big snubs. I'm okay with it. Take that Golden Globes stupidfaces with your Tourist nominations. Blech.

As if to prove the movie exists, we finally get to see what the cast of Red Dawn, the second best thing Charlie Sheen ever did next to landing a lucrative paycheck for an ongoing family comedy series while totally whacked out on blow and beating hookers, looks like in the new remake.

Wow. They look like kids with guns. However stupid this may seem, I'm going to have to resist the battle cry of WOLVERINES when they make it. I just love the original so damn much. And I don't care who knows it!!!

And now, as we always do, let's end with a claymation version of Danny Trejo as Machete trying to sell you Lipton Ice Tea.

Come back tomorrow when I think I'm going to finally write my essay that mediates between Kevin Smith and movie critics. I'm not here just for my own glorification, you know...I want to use the power of a moderately interesting Web site to leverage peace and harmony. And if that fails, I'll probably just stick with my own glorification.

Follow me on Twitter...or don't...but please do..


entered on 01/04/11 at 09:44 PM | read comments »


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Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A



War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula...

more »


Everyone is Awful

Warning to newly engaged couples: Do not see Gone Girl, a movie that makes marriage look like The Hunger Games with slightly...

more »


Swimming in the Laika

From Ray Harryhausen’s Medusa to Henry Selick’s Jack Skellington, stop-motion animation is just frickin’ cool, yo. Maybe...

more »


The Dies That Bind

“Hilarious!” say the trailers! “Really funny!” says the poster. “You are all sick people!” says me.

Yes, in parts, The...

more »


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