Monday’s Daily Dump (1/18/11)

January is the cruelest month, no matter what Eliot said. Seriously, it's cold as blue balls out there, there's not enough football to keep us distracted, the movies largely suck, and there's no news of note really. It's a stupid, frosty month that only exists because my wife's birthday is in it. If it weren't for that, I'd have capped January in the face years ago. Let's take a look at the pathetic non-news news for the day in today's edition of the Daily Dump.

Ricky Gervais is Ricky Gervais, Hollywood is pissed

For a bunch of people giving each other shiny trophies for spending a few weeks making millions, famous people are total wangs. How else do you explain the sheer indignation DURING THE SHOW against Ricky Gervais' hilarious and stinging patter? The three people seemingly most upset were Robert Downey Jr, Tim Allen, and Tom Hanks. Hanks is a class act sticking up for his friends (but should have kept his mouth shut), and the other two DID TERRIBLE THINGS WHILE BEING DRUNKEN LECHEROUS LEECHES ON SOCIETY. Come on, RDJ, laugh it off a bit. Yes, Ricky mentioned your stints in rehab. So do you. You only like people remembering them when they're recalled in the wake of your triumphant return to stardom. So BE A STAR and laugh those jokes off. You're also scathingly clever, so why not fire a zinger back at Ricky? You knew he'd say something! And Tim Allen...are you for real now? You got pissy because Ricky said you were less famous than Tom Hanks? It was hard to feel sorry for the star of Jungle 2 Jungle and Whateverthehellmovieitwasyoudirectedandstarredinthatbombedlastyear when he was WEARING SUNGLASSES ON STAGE! You all came off worse than the guy making cracks at your expense with your petulance. For the record, versions of EACH of those jokes are told every night on late night talk shows that each of you frequent to promote your movies and I don't see you getting upset there. You just never had anyone with the stones to make those JOKES (and I stress jokes in the time-honored tradition of all caps) to your face. Hell, Hugh Hefner tried to play off like we're supposed to feel SORRY FOR HIM FOR MARRYING A 24-YEAR OLD and getting mocked for it! Are you shitting me?! Look, whether or not you found it funny, there was nothing wrong with someone helping to bring down the collective ego of the back-patting Holywood elite, and this is from a liberal movie blogger who loves award shows. Humility is a comely, charming trait. Waving your hands and saying "the big man is being mean to me" makes you look small. Also, the Tourist stuff he did was comic gold.

The Red Skull hearts Halloween

Reason number 1,732,000 why you should just release photos of characters from your movie before you release merchandising advertisements for your movie. The Red Skull in the new Captain America movie will look something like this:

Yes, it's a crappy photo, but it gives us a good idea of how the character will appear. It was going to be hard to bone this character's translation, given the simplicity of it. But then again, given what they've done to The Green Lantern, I don't put it past any effects company to molest a solid icon. Yes, for the record, I'm going to make Green Lantern jokes for the next full year.

I'm thrown for a Prime Loop

This is a talented man.

His name is Shane Carruth, and his film Primer is one of the best Science-Fiction (not sci-fi) films I've ever seen. It blew me away and was made for something like five dollars or so. It came out years and years ago, and I have been desperately wanting another film from him in some way, ANY WAY, as soon as possible. (Seriously, rent this effin' movie right now). So news that he's emerged on the set of director Rian Johnson's Looper can only be described as a miracle. Supposedly he's just working on some effects and such, but I hope it's more than that. Johnson, who has made some damn fine films of his own, has also talked up Carruth's script that's having a hard time getting funding. SOMEONE NEEDS TO FUND THAT SCRIPT! Seriously! Let's hope this buddying up with Johnson results in some serious coin so that I can SEE ANOTHER MOVIE FROM THIS GUY! We live in a world with a Yogi Bear movie. Can't we find a way to fund a genius's next work? Pretty please.

Okay, that's it today. Not only is there nothing else of real note, but if this system is slower than social progress today. See you tomorrow for more dumping!

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entered on 01/18/11 at 09:44 PM | read comments »


Box Office Results for the weekend of January 14

There was a glitch in my HTML coding, which sounds like a nerdy way of saying I had diarrhea or something. But what really happened is that I forgot to slash or unslash inside a carrot and for some reason it ate all of my numbers associated with my predictions on Friday. Not that anybody NOTICED OR TOLD ME OR ANYTHING! Jeez, it's like a guy whose zipper was so unzipped you could see all of Florida and the Florida Keys and nobody said anything. Thanks. Well, it's fixed now, and as you can see (or will see) no cheating occurred, as The King's Speech began what could be a month-plus-long repeated boning of yours truly. Not only is it outperforming what I thought box office-wise, but there's a good chance it will get awards it doesn't deserve. I fully expect this testament to mediocrity to be a pea beneath my mattress for some time to come. In other news, The Green Hornet is a quasi-hit, True Grit and Black Swan are mega-hits, and Little Fockers is already a bad memory that Robert DeNiro is making jokes about. Let's see how the weekend panned out, haiku style!

1.) The Green Hornet - $40 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)
It's a little sting,
but it's a sting none-the-less
Chin up, Seth Rogen.

2.) The Dilemma - $17 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 97%)
Underperforming
At least both of the lead guys
are quite used to that.

3.) True Grit - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)
This is impressive!
Word of mouth is just so strong.
Now, more Westerns please?

4.) The King's Speech - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)
Surprising result
given how bland this one is.
More like The King's Meh

5.) Black Swan - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)
I can't believe this.
Lesbian ballerinas?!
That's box office gold.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 77%
Not my finest hour
But the Chicago Bears won!
So I do not care.

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entered on 01/18/11 at 09:29 PM | read comments »


Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions for January 14

Well, it's a big weekend. Oh, not for movies, those mostly suck right now. I'll be spending 100% of my energy trying to will my Chicago Bears not to blow ass against the inferior but dangerous Seattle Seahawks. Remember, Pete Caroll is a horrible person who feeds off the souls of children. Bear down, Chicago Bears! And I urge you if you are not FROM Seattle or married to Pete Caroll, I sure could use your good wishes going to the Monsters of the Midway.

Right, this is a movie blog. Blah, blah, mediocre superhero movie with Seth Rogen looking skinny (good for him, diabetes is a motherfrakker). Blah, blah, don't see The Dilemma because they chose to keep in a "that's gay" joke and because it's as funny as a "that's gay" joke. I really don't have much else to say about this crappy crop. Well, nothing that can't be said in haiku.

Here's how I see it:

1.) The Green Hornet- $35 million
Skinny Seth Rogen
fights the evil Hans Landa.
And yet...not that cool.

2.) The Dilemma - $16 million
The big dilemma?
What to do with Ron Howard.
I'm thinking swirlies.

3.) True Grit - $12 million
This keeps making cash
Guess the Western is NOT dead
That gets a YEEEE HAAAW!

4.) Little Fockers - $9 million
True Grit will beat this.
Not just this week, but total.
Now THAT'S some justice.

5.) Black Swan - $8 million
A HUNDRED MILLION?!
Is that really possible?
You're damn straight it is.

WILDCARD - Tron Legacy -$7 million
Talk of a sequel
But given its history,
that could take decades.

Okay, that's it. You have a BEARy great weekend, and I'll see you on Monday!

Follow me on Twitter (and root for The Bears).


entered on 01/14/11 at 11:53 PM | read comments »


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The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Fall? Oh, me!

I’ve reviewed movies professionally for more than a dozen years. The few weeks immediately surrounding the end of summer has...

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Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

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Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

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Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly...

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