Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 62)

Make you a deal: If you somehow have the ability to influence that outcome of the Bears/Packers game on Sunday, you can feel free to never buy me anything again provided you get me a Bears "W." I would be able to even offer more than just not buying me something. I would give you something. Something reasonable. Like my home.

But since I think the only folks who will influence the outcome are the players (yawn), it's time once again for me to insist that you give me awesome free stuff. If you're keeping score at home, I think if you multiply the three items I list every week times the 62 times I've asked for them and divide the number I've actually received (3), you'll see that my batting average is 1.6%. Awesome! That means 98.4% of the things I show you never get sent to me by contacting me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) (and asking me for my real address, which I will give you...provided you don't have an email address like imgonnastabyou@ihatesyrek.com. Today's items are particularly radical, so you're going to want to get me these fast. I want to play with all of them.

So to recap: If you can get the Bears to win, you owe me nothing. If you can't, buy me the following:

1.) Regular chess? Howzabout LASER CHESS, BITCHES!?!?!?! - Thinkgeek one-ups the geekiness of chess with a game involving f**king lasers.

How nerdy is a game that makes chess seem absolutely lame as hell. "I want to intellectually stimulate myself with a rousing round of the game of kings! Anyone for some chess?" "I don't think so. Why don't we play a game with the nuances of piece movement like chess, but that directly involves the use of a f**king laser. Yeah, that's right. A laser. I AM KING OF THE NERDS!" Seriously, if this is even passably fun to play, I want it. I can sit there with a laser pointer for hours and entertain myself, so the threshold is low here.

2.) Dudes can have diaries, right? - Uncommongoods has the answer to my diary needs. Not that I need a diary. I tried to think of an Anne Frank joke here that walked the appropriate line of taste and edgy comedy, but then I remembered to look at the tattoo I had put on my hand, Memento-style. It reads "Don't make jokes about terrible human tragedies." You'd be surprised how useful that is. Speaking of useful:

It seems so simple, but where else am I supposed to keep my five mint stubs from The Phantom Men...I mean a good movie that everyone likes and no one will laugh at. I like stub collecting, so this works for me. If it doesn't work for you, get your own column where people don't buy you the things you ask for.

3.) What the what? - Uncommongoods has an item that staggered me.

That's a "Film Festival in a Box." And it is a cool as shit idea. Apparently it includes four independent films, short films, that you can watch together, critique and enjoy, and then go online and discuss it in forums, potentially with the filmmakers. Um, hello, that's the best idea ever. I can't believe this is the first time I've heard of this. What a cool concept. Tired of playing Yahtzee with your friends? I mean...tired of playing a cool game that everyone respects with your friends? Try this! I don't know that this will single-handedly save the independent film industry, but I am damn tempted to try it. So buy it for me.

Okay, that's it for this week. Get ready, my junk is coming tomorrow.

Follow me on Twitter, where I will have more movie thoughts interspliced with my Bears obsession.


entered on 01/20/11 at 10:17 PM | read comments »


Tuesday’s Daily Dump (1/19/11)

Doodily doo...nothing to see here today...no news that would send shockwaves across the interwebs, wrinkling the brains and uncorking the loins of nerds or anything...squiddy squoo...I'll just sit here twiddling my HOLY ANNOUNCEMENT (that isn't the 10 commandments), BATMAN!!! We bagged ourselves a kitty!

image

Anne Hathaway, who I'm on the fence about as an actress (not as someone to look at, where there is no argument), is going to be Selina Kyle. Following in the tight leather of Halle Berry, Hathaway can be assured that she has the one role everyone is more than willing to see remade...and not just because it means seeing her presumably in something heavily spandexy. The problem is, I'm not sure Hathaway's the right gal for the gig. Why? Well, I think she can play goofy in a goofy movie and straight in a straight movie but not straight in a goofy movie. What do I mean? Say what you will but Maggie Gyyylllllllenhaaaaall (that's the right spelling, right?) acted the crap out of her role in The Dark Knight. She did. She tried so hard to make it seem like her stuff was compartmentalized, as though she were in a drama and everyone else was in some goofy superhero movie. The problem here is that Hathaway I think may be prone to playing up the costumed-shenanigans. I say this because she's been circling just about every comic movie out there (reports had her IN the original Spiderman 4 cast). I am also not sure I like the inclusion of such a garish, loud, obviously comic booky character in the world Christopher Nolan created. I guess we'll have to wait to see who the bad guy is before we make a judgment.

OH MY GOD WE KNOW WHO THE BAD GUY IS!

Tom Hardy is going to play Bane, who is known in the comics for snorting drugs that make him look like a shitty Mexican wrestler and for snapping Batman's spine. Hell, that'd be a way to definitively end this installment of the trilogy, right? Leave Christian Bale in a wheelchair. Somehow I don't think so. Look, the internets are going to devour these stories. One side will tell you that the inclusion of these two characters has damned the trilogy forever. The other side will hail this as "THE Batman movie I've always wanted to see." I don't know which it will be, but I know I have faith in Nolan, and so should you. It's going to come down to the script, to the consistency with the other films, and to the acting that's done up on screen. This won't stop me from rampant speculation as to what I think is going to happen, but until I see the costumes and hear the plot, I'm going to keep cautious optimism alive.

There are other stories today, but they pale in comparison. Still, here they be:

The new X-men look like crap.

Sorry to my boy Matthew Vaughn, and hopefully this is just a bad promo picture, but this "cascading heads" photo from X-Men: First Class sucks like it was a Green Lantern cast photo.

Seriously, Beast looks like he's droppin' a deuce, everyone looks photoshopped in, Magneto looks like Gaius Baltar from "Battlestar Galactica," and the costumes look awful. At least January Jones is hot.

No JJJ? No WAY WAY WAY!

Rumors have it that the reason we don't know who will play JJJ in the new Spidey movie is that there will be no J. Jonah Jameson in the next Spidey movie. LAME! The day after the internet kinda confirms the mechanical web shooters (via Emma Stone saying "a device" is used...I was gonna make a "that's what she said" joke there), the internet takes away by removing a classic, vital character. You can't have Spidey without the Daily Bugle. You can't have the Daily Bugle without JJJ. Thus, by the transitive property, I declare this stupid.

This is awesome

One more chance to prove how on-track Marvel is. Folks, this is as cool a photo as I have ever run. I cannot wait...I CANNOT WAIT! I would describe more, but I don't need to.

Home fires are burning

Alexander Payne is returning to Nebraska. I mean, not the state, he already lives here. I mean the script. It's a father/son roadtrip movie CALLED Nebraska, so I see why he wanted some distance between Sideways, a roadtrip movie, and this one. Personally, I couldn't be happier, if only because I love watching the man's work...especially when it takes place in my home state. Folks, I declare this a pretty awesome day. Now I just need a pretty awesome weekend (specifically on Sunday).

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entered on 01/19/11 at 11:13 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for January 19

I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. Well, at least not all of it. I just want to tell you how to live your life on a few specific days. So grab a pen and get to stuffin’ your schedule.

  • By now you’re all kinds of aware that the Omaha Film Festival (omahafilmfestival.org) runs March 2-6 at the Great Escape Stadium 16 Theatre, right? That’s cool, but why wait for March when the party starts Feb 5, from 6-10 p.m. at the North Sea Films Building, 2626 Harney St. The OFF’11 Release Party will kick the shindig off right, with no admission fee and plenty of passes, posters and T-shirts. And just like in a rap video, after the party there’s another party. Then Feb. 27, from 6-11 p.m. at the Nomad Lounge, 1013 Jones St., the OFF’scar Party is the best way to watch Hollywood give itself a high-five. See, like I said, feel free to write this stuff on your calendar in ink.

  • This next one is a bit sudden, but I believe there’s a rule about offers and refusals that’s going to spring to mind. Film Streams at the Ruth Sokolof Theatre (filmstreams.org) is finally showing The Godfather. The winner of the annual “Film Streams Members Select” vote this year, the classic will screen Saturday, Jan. 22, at 3 p.m., Sunday, Jan. 23, at 3 p.m. and Thursday, Jan. 27, at 8:30 p.m. And the first screening is free for Film Streams Members! Even if you’ve seen it before, if you haven’t seen it on the big screen, well let’s just say the experience is still more shocking than equine decapitation.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 01/19/11 at 04:52 PM | read comments »


Page 117 of 135 pages ‹ First  < 115 116 117 118 119 >  Last ›

The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Guardians of the Galaxy

A gleeful space opera that is as visually stunning as it is hilarious.

GRADE
A


Fall? Oh, me!

I’ve reviewed movies professionally for more than a dozen years. The few weeks immediately surrounding the end of summer has...

more »


Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

more »


Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

more »


Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly...

more »


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