Daily Dump for Wednesday (February 9)

Not to keep whining every opening paragraph, but I've been inexplicably exhausted lately. If it turns out that there really IS an invisible midget sitting on my chest, I'm going to be pissed. And slightly amused...but mostly pissed. I'm hoping this weekend will see me catch up on some sleep and get some much needed mental catch-up time, but it's probably going to devolve into some spontaneously busy set of events that will leave me longing for the sweet release of death. I swear one of these blog posts is going to start with me barfing up sunshine and rainbows...so stay tuned for that.

Everyone is invited to watch Kevin Smith quit

After pulling what is at best considered a stunt and at worst is considered a sequence of outright lies regarding the distribution of Red State, nobody can really believe Kevin Smith about his plans to retire, right? Well, supposedly, the not-always-jolly-but-always-jolly-shaped Smith plans to hang up his hoodie after Hit Somebody, his rollickingly fun hockey movie that's sure to be a hit. I mean, combining the insanely popular hockey with the universally beloved stylings of Kevin Smith is a license to print money, right? Given that the plan is for dude to quit, he wants to bring some folks in for a cameo in his (cough) "finale." (Between the cough and quotation marks, you did get my total lack of belief in this being his last film, right? Okay, thank God. I couldn't find the sarcasm key on this keyboard.)

The chances of Damon and Affleck, who haven't seemed keen to get their onscreen coupling on in a long-ass time, coming back to this supposedly final but totally NOT final project from Smith? Pretty good actually. Those dudes are loyal as sin, and who knows...maybe it's a good script? I've liked everything I've seen about Red State, despite what I've heard, and my hope is that this is a career uptick for Smithy boy. I mean, a brief career uptick...you know, because he's retiring. WINK.

Don't worry, Sizemore will keep them all grounded

Yesterday, we briefly discussed the problems that any film would have insuring Lindsay Lohan. Today, I'd like to present to you what is likely a joke that movie insurance companies will be telling each other for years to come. There's another adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk coming out. Yeah, I'm as surprised as the next person that Choke didn't permanently suffocate all chances of future adaptations. But when you think about it, Snuff is clearly set up to be a perfect film. I mean, it's about a failed porn star who attempts to set a record for sexual partners in one film. Oh and she plans to die while doing it. Oh, and one of the guys waiting in line is her biological son she gave up for adoption. And the movie's going to star the following folks:

Thora Birch

Daryl Hannah

Tom Sizemore

See, nothing to worry about. The movie adaptation about a potentially fatal gang bang is going to star washed-up former actor Tom Sizemore. I'm not kidding you, somewhere there's an insurance company that works in Hollywood going "No, seriously..."

I'm the opposite of scared

These guys can do whatever they want.

Seriously, they do what they want or they club you with an Oscar. So when they say that they're seriously considering a full-on horror movie next...then I believe it will happen. The duo says they're juggling projects next, but there's a chance we may get the first straight-up genre flick from the boys. That's a scary thought considering that No Country For Old Men was terrifying as balls. I shudder to think what people who put characters into a woodchipper...IN A COMEDY...would do with less restrictions. No lie, this excites me. Any time you have talented artists playing in more fringe genres, I get happy. In this case, I'll get happy and then I'll get terrified, but you get the idea.

That's really all the important news today...and it really wasn't all that important. What is important? That you follow me on Twitter!


entered on 02/09/11 at 10:56 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for February 9

  • After decades of supporting roles, Samuel L. Jackson has finally made it: He’s getting his own sidekick. As everyone of the nerd persuasion knows, Jackson plays Nick Fury in the upcoming Avengers movie, a movie that represents a personal pinnacle of joy … and it isn’t even made yet. Apparently, Jackson is getting a sassy assistant (comic fans know her as Maria Hill), and word is that “How I Met Your Mother” star Cobie Smulders is the front-runner for the role. In a related note: Cobie Smulders was my first choice for my porn star name.

  • You get a lot of leeway if you win an Oscar, and word on the street is that David Fincher hopes he wins the award this year for directing The Social Network. Not just because that’s cool, but because he wants to put a topless Rooney Mara on the poster for his upcoming remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and he may be willing to cash in his Oscar swagger to get it done. It isn’t going to happen, on account of the prudish public and oppressive MPAA, but he’ll have a better chance if he’s gesturing with an Oscar.

  • Robert Downey Jr. said “no” to mauling our childhood memories by turning down the role of the Wizard in Oz, the Great and Powerful. So far, so good. Producers then went to the guy you offer everything to, but Johnny Depp also said “no.” Nice. Now they’re on James Franco, who is considering things. If the “no” thing continues, we may just preserve our dignity as a culture. But I have a feeling that the guy 205th on the list will take it: Topher Grace is tired of unemployment.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 02/08/11 at 11:05 PM | read comments »


Daily Dump for Tuesday (February 8)

I have new appreciation for the depths of Han Solo's affection for Luke Skywalker today. If a dear friend of mine was laying in the middle of my driveway, I would have to seriously reconsider how much he or she meant to me given the overwhelming amount of ice out there and the sub-sub-sub-zero wind chills. My mailwoman was driving an AT-AT. I could keep going with the Hoth jokes, but can we just leave this by saying any day in which a sneeze could cost you your nose thanks to hypothermia is a shit-tacular weather day. I don't even really want to blog today, but I need to keep my fingers moving or else risk losing them.

Today's news is chock-full of marginally interesting items and potentially "huhbuhwha" moments. So let's get to it.

After Eat, Pray, Love, I could have told you Julia Roberts was evil

Tarsem Singh's visuals are juicy. He is one of the 3-4 people who could get me actively interested in any re-re-retelling of a Grimm's Fairy Tale, let alone Snow White. Apparently, I'm not the only one, as elongated hottie Julia Roberts is so willing to work with the director she's willing to go evil for him.

Seen here being chased by a stalker with an umbrella fetish, the red-headed beauty has long been a stalwart of the good. Even her hookers tended to err on the side of true love and sweetness and not heroin addiction and alleyway shanking. It may be refreshing to see her finally cutting loose, as that laugh has always suggested something sinister lives in her throat.

God is cruel

How they combined my favorite fictional character, my favorite band, and a director I greatly respect and did whatever it is they apparently did to "Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark" I'll never understand. The critics reviews are rolling in finally, as the show is officially moving from preview to full showings. This video that I found on Slashfilm is perhaps the best and least painful way to experience what they had to say.

Maybe they meant "inept" in a good way? Look, I long ago gave up hope that this would be as transcendentally awesome as the young boy in me thought (I mean that metaphorically, I did not swallow a prepubescent). I obviously still want to see this, but now it's more because I have to know if it really is as bad as they're saying. Having seen the trailer for Captain America earlier this week during some meaningless football game that the Devil's favorite team won, I realized that we are so lucky to see comics treated with such expensive respect. That movie looks so great. Then to see and hear this...it's probably just a byproduct of this comic book enthusiasm. It's a casualty I'm willing to endure if we continue to have artists attempting to find new ways to explore my favorite medium. I say that...and then I see the picture of "Swiss Miss," the villain they created for this musical...and I want to throw up.

When they said there wouldn't be any more Sex and the City SEQUELS...

File this under "shut yo mouth, fool." Apparently, they're considering a Sex and the City prequel.

Rumor has it that Blake Lively, shown here in "full doily" mode, would star as a young Carrie Bradshaw. Meaning, if we kill her, we negate the existence of the entire series. This is obviously the worst idea of the day that didn't begin with "get me the lighter and the gas." I just don't understand why anyone would consider further unraveling the fabric of our great society like this. I could expound further, but the great Lindy West used all of the funny the world ever gets to have regarding this series with her review of the second film. Sometimes when I get sad, I read that review and the world seems happy again. At any rate, this may never happen, but if it does, the only bright spot will be another West review on the matter.

The Internet is stoopid

There's supposed casting news about the new Superman today.

Shown here fully bedazzled, the Internet is trying to convince itself that Lindsay Lohan would get a part in the new Zack Snyder reboot of the man of steel. Bwahahahahaha. Lionsgate wouldn't insure Lohan to do a press junket for Shitty Horror Movie 17: The Shittiest Horror Movie Ever The way movies work, especially big ones, necessitates that no work stoppages occur...especially ones caused by, say, a starlet going "Breaking Bad" on everyone. Might she do a cameo? No. Might she have been considered by the director? No. Might one of her people have leaked her name in the hopes of getting attention? My sarcastic magic 8 ball says "Noooooooooooooo....that would nnnneeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeerrrrr happen." This thing has been passed around Twitter and movie sites enough for all of the Internet to be dumber for having seen it. Sorry to perpetuate it.

To absolve myself, here's a cool Superman thing.

Charming, huh? I wish there was more of it!

Okay, that's it for me. Follow me on Twitter until I see you tomorrow!


entered on 02/08/11 at 10:24 PM | read comments »


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Nightcrawler

A condemnation of crime pornography with a chilling central character.

GRADE
A


John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Yes, They Mean You

Thrill-seekers live for the rush that comes from defying death; adrenaline is the body’s chemical “thank you” for keeping it...

more »


Fury Is Missing Fast

Inside of writer/director David Ayer’s Fury is a tight, 90-minute, “we will hold this line” war movie populated with complex...

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The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula...

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Everyone is Awful

Warning to newly engaged couples: Do not see Gone Girl, a movie that makes marriage look like The Hunger Games with slightly...

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