The Real Shizzle

Parking Spot Found in Benson

“I couldn’t believe my luck,” Nick Thomas said as he exited his car. He was just steps from Beercade, the quirky arcade-themed tavern in uber-hip Benson. “I was able to park along Maple Street! My horoscope said that amazing things were going to happen to me today but I had no idea it’d be something this fantastic.”

Not one to miss an opportunity, Thomas was planning on making the most of his good fortune. “I’m going to wait until 10:15 or so and then I’m going to start taking bids on my parking space.” It’s not an uncommon practice, he said, noting that spots in front of locations like the Waiting Room or Lot 2 have reportedly fetched upward of $60 during peak hours.

Weather Forecast: Next Six Months to Consist of Intermittent Blizzards and Blazing Heat

If you ask freelance weatherman Jim Flowers, 2013 will likely go down as one of the most dramatic years for weather in Omaha history. “According to computer models, the rest of the year looks as if it’ll be a yin and yang sort of year for weather,” he said. “We’ll likely have a week or two of sub-zero temperatures with plenty of snow that’ll force residents to bring in their brass monkeys only to find themselves battling taint-drenching heat the next week. I wouldn’t be surprised to see highs in the mid-hundreds beginning in early April, alternating with a week or so of bone-chilling temps running through December,” Flowers said, noting that the only guy that’ll likely be able to keep up with the wild fluctuations in temperature is the dude you see on the bus that’s always got a winter coat on and smells like hot garbage.

New Pub to Offer Only One Beer

It’s no surprise that the choices for tipplers continues to expand – with the explosive popularity of craft beers, bar-goers are faced with more and more options. That may be good for them, but it’s not good for business, says Tim Thurmond, owner of the newly opened Uno in Benson. The tavern sells only one beer – Stella Artois.

“It’s expensive to offer hundreds of beers,” he said when asked about his unusual practice. “That’s the first thing. The second is that it’ll take some people an eternity just to order a single beer. It takes a while to read the list, whether it’s on a beer menu or on a chalkboard.” This, he said, forces other patrons to wait – and some to leave – while others struggle to make up their minds.

“And then there are the questions,” he said, noting that he’s been asked everything from the cycle of the moon in which hops were harvested to the names of a particular brewmaster’s children to the facial hairstyle of the guy who delivered a particular keg.

“It’s got to stop. That’s why we just sell one kind of beer. [Stella Artois] is perfectly fine. You’re just ordering a goddamn beer, not making a political statement or a lifelong commitment,” he said before adding “Christ on a crutch!”

Neighbor’s Cat is a Real Asshole

Serena Adkins is not afraid to admit she’s a cat lover. She’s subscribed to Cat Fancy for over a decade, owns three of her own and is also a foster host for the Humane Society. But she’s not a fan of Bill, the yellow tomcat that lives next door.

“Sheila, his owner, has had him for over a year and he’s not getting any more charming,” Adkins said of her furry neighbor, noting his preference for howling at all hours of the day (indoors and out) as well as his fondness for tearing up her garden and using it as his personal litterbox. “In fact, he’s kind of an asshole. He hisses at you when you approach him and he’s even attacked the mailman. Neighbor kids make it a point to steer clear of our side of the street.”

Momaha: “Babies Need Food, Love, Hugs”

The Omaha World Herald knew it was time to change. Readers were getting their news in new ways, be it online, via their phones or by carrier pigeon. It was time to take a bold step and offer readers edgy, insightful news. Who better than the underserved mother? Yes, there were rumors of “mommy bloggers,” online diarists who detailed every event, big and small (usually small) in their lives. From diaper changes to laundry tips to extreme couponing, mommy bloggers covered it.

So why not jump into the fray with a mommy blog of their own? Why chart a bold new course in journalism when others had taken the time to do it for half a decade or more? With that, the mighty Old Grey Lady unleashed Momaha, a revolving column in which moms of all types and writing abilities would extol the virtues of paper towels and bemoan the lack of decent children’s music in a new, bold format. They would take the hard stance on topics like whether or not babies needed food on a regular basis (they do!). If children needed hugs and encouragement (yes!). And if love was an important ingredient in child rearing. Turns out it was. And it turns out they were right all along.

Berkshire Hathaway Buys Entire Eastern Seaboard

Making good on the promise he made last May at the annual meeting of shareholders for Berkshire Hathaway, Warren Buffet now owns the entire eastern seaboard of the United States.

“I told the shareholders I was through dicking around and I meant it,” Buffet said of the dramatic purchase, totaling close to $34 trillion.
The purchase now makes him the owner of Bank of America (“you bet your ass they’re going to get their act together right quick”), Time Warner and other media conglomerates, making him the chief stakeholder in a number of industries.

He credits much of this fiscal aggressiveness to his friend Jay-Z, the multimillionaire rapper. “J-Hova’s all up in this too,” Buffet said, noting that the performer would be handling many of the acquisition logistics. “And shit’s about to get real, not like those fake email stock picks.”

posted at 08:42 pm
on Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

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