Web of Lies: Your new Peter Parker?

He may have a superhero name, but Logan Lerman does not inspire a great deal of confidence in me despite having been supposedly cast as Peter Parker. Mostly because it looks like he has yet to get pubes. I get going younger, but was the second choice a fetus?
Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can...provided that isn't driving a motor vehicle, consuming alcohol, or achieving "second base." Seriously, what's going to be the big romantic story element? Will Mary Jane check "yes, no, or maybe?" BREAKING NEWS: They've just cast Mary Jane.
I know my hopes weren't high for this reboot/relaunch/total clusterf**k going in, but this has done little to assuage my fears. I know it's all rumor for now, but they're going to have to make a splash in the toilet water soon if they want to hit their LOCKED IN STONE release date. There's nothing quite like realizing that you're a whole generation and as much as a decade away from seeing your favorite character show up in the movies in a form that doesn't work like ipecac. Le sigh.

Web of Lies: No suprise that a Nimrod is involved

When I saw the following on Quiet Earth, quite frankly I dismissed it (and not just because I hate the earth like the GOP does):

"Sam Raimi met Nimrod (Antal) on the Sony lot before his first US film, Vacancy. They clicked, so Sam hired him to direct Armored. Now, Predators is getting some great word-of-mouth around tinsel-town. Warners loves it and now Sam Raimi and Sony want the director back at the studio to helm Spider-man."

Several things seemed off to me: (1) Someone brought up the movie Armored without making a joke about it. (2) Nobody says tinsel-town anymore. I checked on that with MY sources...and those sources laughed at me. (3) Why would Sony care what Sam Raimi thinks, even if he is keeping his role on the film as a "producer?" Isn't this akin to asking the girl you just dumped to check out the rack on the hottie you're now shagging? Sure, Raimi may have some contractual thing that allows him to stay on as a "producer," but that really doesn't mean anything. If you've seen "30 Rock," you know that these titles are usually just given out to stop the fighting. Also, (4) Predators is getting great word of mouth? From what mouths? And what words? This all seems highly suspect. But then Slashfilm picked up the story and basically said that Quiet Earth knows their shit. This is the equivalent of a Sam Jackson character in any movie he's ever been in vouching for somebody: You'd best trust him. I haven't seen Armored. Nobody has, the film was quarantined. I have seen Vacancy, and it was pretty but stupid. I do know that this is not the guy I want making this movie but it is the type of guy who the studio is going to hire to make this movie. Instead of somebody young and hip (Edgar Wright), someone with great character sensibility (Jason Reitman), someone with a really unique visual eye (Michel Gondry), or somebody with a passion for the character, they're going to hire a guy who they can puppeteer. So, Nimrod, be warned: You're about to have a hand up your ass. That may be the finest sentence I've ever composed on this blog.

Web of Lies: Malko-victory?

Despite the fact that Spider-man 4 is officially progressing with all of the speed of congressional reform, John Malkovich is still flapping his yapper about his involvement. Slashfilm.com found an interview posted elsewhere in which Malko-maniac mentioned that he was, indeed, circling the project...like a (wait for it)...VULTURE! Ya-Boo (again, that's Boo-Ya backwards...I'm determined to make that stick). Malky confirmed that the script is being reworked, so he isn't really sure whether or not he will survive the purge, and chances are that the "disagreement over the villains" that is being reported wasn't a bunch of studio suits demanding the box office might of John Malkovich. I'm guessing Sam Raimi wants the weird thespian to be out there doing his thing, but the execs want somebody more bankable. Apparently, kids don't find 60-year-old dudes wearing green feathers to be bad ass. One of the more interesting rumors I heard (though I cannot remember where, but I swear I'm not inventing this out of thin air), is that Willem DeFoe is willing to come back as the Green Goblin. Personally, I don't hate this idea. In fact, I'd bring back Green Goblin AND Doc Ock. Why? Because villains come back in the comics ALL THE DAMN TIME, plus they're the best two villains Spidey has, plus it would be a cool way to end Raimi's run. It's not going to happen, but still, it's a thought. Also, I meant to tell you that by all accounts, the Vulturess (which was to be played by Anne Hathaway) ain't gonna happen. So we may get:

But not

Yeah, that seems unfair.

Web of Lies: Spider-man 4...no more?

What's funny about Twitter is that it often becomes the urinary trough for peeing contests between competing movie rumor sites. Over the last few weeks, IESB (one of the legends in "the game"...and by "the game," I mean talking about movies, which is far less tough than anything else that has ever been referred to as "the game") reported that Spider-man 4 was in trouble...big trouble...the kind of trouble you may not recover from. Then along came MTV's Splash Page (which is kind of douchey in that they mostly just suckle from the teat of Twilight and bilk the comic book fanboys by tossing out wild rumors and aspersions) to say that this was hogwash. The battle lines were drawn. In the end, the winner was...IESB, as various news outlets began reprinting an email from inside one of the visual effects groups noting that production was cancelled "because Sam Raimi hates the story." Good for you, Sammy! The supposed bone of contention is the villain. Raimi apparently wants John Malkovich and ONLY John Malkovich (likely to play The Vulture) and the studio wants (or wanted, depending on the reports) Anne Hathaway to play The Vulturess (a character invented for the movie). Good news! We have an excuse to post a picture of Anne Hathaway.

The obvious problem is that (A) two villains is not a good idea and (B) the Vulturess is stupid. Why not include The Black Cat as was rumored...or punt the whole thing. The reason this whole "not having a script thing" is important is because the principle players are locked into contracts and are quite busy. What I'm saying is this: If this drags on, and rewriting or creating an entirely new script is not a quick process, Raimi may lose his players (please lose Kirsten Dunst, please lose Kirsten Dunst). Were I a betting man, I'd say...this film isn't going to happen as it was conceived. I'm saying no Raimi, no Maguire, no Dunst. I'm saying back to the drawing board. This reminds me of the original quest to bring Spidey to the big screen, only back then we were talking about director James Cameron and star Leonardo DiCaprio, back when Kirsten Dunst was only a whiny, misshapen pup. I want a new Spidey movie. Bad. But I don't want a new bad Spidey movie. I hope Raimi holds out until it's right or walks away.

Web of Lies: Good news/bad news

Once more we return to the sticky wicket that is the Spider-man 4 casting process. As you may recall, we have moved through a veritable who's who of hotties in a quest to find a new female figure in the new Spidey outing. When the rumors began flying like bagels in a bagel fight (if you don't know about a bagel fights...you're lucky...damn lucky), we created Web of Lies to document the continued falsehoods and excuses to post hot pictures of lovely actresses. Well, here we are again, and we get to post more awesome images:

Wow, there may be nothing worse than seeing John Malkovich when you think you're about to see something beautiful. Seriously, if he and James Carville were to have a freaky-face contest, humanity would be destroyed. Now, the scuttlebutt right now is one that should cause people like me, a dude with more Spider-man comics than he has DNA strands, into a frenzy. See, according to Movieline, Malkovich will play The Vulture. That much is actually cool, because he is a talented actor and looks the part (see):

It's the second part that will send fans nuts. Apparently, the Vulture will have a daughter named Felicia Hardy who becomes the Vulturess. In the comics, Felicia Hardy is the Black Cat, a skin-tight-suit wearing cat burgler with bad luck powers. Of course, this may be a little too close to Catwoman for some people, and as we all know, after Halle Berry's effort, no one should be close to Catwoman. This irritating news is buffered by the fact that this is the lady playing The Vulturess (who needs a better name, STAT):

Now, allow me a brief aside here. I'm cool with this. I'll tell you the reasons why as briefly as I am able and if you stay, I'll give you another Anne Hathaway picture.

1.) I like it because it mirrors the father/son Green Goblin stuff. Thematic echoing is big for Raimi and it works here.

2.) I like it because the Black Cat, while hot, was a stupid character. She had BAD LUCK powers, for the love of God, and when ISN'T a woman in comics dressed in skin tight leather. If she were any less original of a character, she'd have been "created" by Stephanie Meyers.

3.) I like it because it will provide great mid air visuals, which have been my favorite effects moments in the series.

4.) I like it because it isn't Venom.

5.) I like it because movies are not comic books. Let's face facts, people, everybody flipped shit over the "organic web shooters" in the first film and it was great. Purists don't seem to understand that the biggest issue at hand is whether or not the movie is good. I don't care that Felicia Hardy is going to be the Vulturess, I care that the Vulturess not suck like Topher Grace did.

So, there you go, the latest in our web of lies. Now, as promised, less of me and more Anne Hathaway.

You're welcome.