Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello bloggites. You've come to see my junk again, I see...and of course, by junk I mean my weekly column of tiny news stories that I probably could have blown up into full-fledged blog posts but chose not to because I'm lazy and because it gives me the chance to make jokes like "my junk is so huge this week I'm not sure I can get it all in." Wow. That was vulgar even for me. Before we start, as we do every week, we must first look upon the creepy-ass image above taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, pick an item from said creepy-ass image, and make a fictional creepy-ass story about it. Today's item is the green and red lump in the corner. "Marcus knew that if he was going to make this marriage work, he'd have to pretend that his wife wasn't trying to poison him. So, thinking quickly, he stashed the potato infused with acid into his junk drawer. As the years passed by, and the spud became greener and greener, so did Marcus's love for his wife, whose blood oath to destroy Marcus remains. Sometimes, if he wakes up at night, he can catch her right before she tries to put the pillow over his face and they share a moment."

Now that that is out of the way, let's get to probing and thoroughly examining my junk!

1.) Inching closer to midnight - There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Rich Johnston at Bleeding Cool has some good evidence to suggest that there's going to be some kind of sequel to "Watchmen." First, likely in comic book form, then likely on the big screen. This isn't going to be a little dabble either. We're talking spin-offs, origin stories, ongoing titles set in that world, and every other horrible, horrible thing you could imagine. The why isn't as interesting as the WTF but allow me to explain. Basically, the president of DC comics, Paul Levitz, has protected the world from experiencing the bad touch of having Alan Moore's perfect comic exploited. With him moving on to a new post, Dan DiDio, molester of good things, has all but promised to abuse the franchise however he can. The one tiny, tiny, tiny shred of good news is that Dave Gibbons (the artist) and Sir Alan Moore (the lunatic) have to be offered first refusal on any new projects. As the guys at Slashfilm.com suggest, I would love to believe that Moore will come back, even if there's zero, and I mean ZERO, chance that he will. To be clear: I want them to leave all things "Watchmen" the hell alone. Period. But knowing that they won't, knowing that they're going to get some hack like Jeph Loeb to come in and work his mediocre magic on it makes me sick. I think that Moore could do something subversive and cool with the series. We live in a different world than the Cold War world now, and it's one about which Moore clearly would have some interesting things to say. I know he won't do it, but I pray he does. Alan, they're going to ruin your masterpiece. I know you think agreeing to do it would be agreeing to help them, but it would be your last, best chance to prevent someone else from just destroying what you've done. I will say this, and I mean it: I'm echoing Devin's statements from Chud.com; if Moore isn't involved, I'm not buying it. No matter what. It's the only way to make it stop. Sorry to start out my junk so grim. I promise to be funnier in a minute.

2.) I promise that Marc Webb will be happy - 500 Days of Summer, the mediocre movie that charmed its way into the mind pants of half the world, was little more than a Zooey Deschanel worship film. Soft-focus shots of Zooey laughing, sitting, smiling, blinking, and so on and so on and so on. Oh, yeah, she's infinitely cute, see:
And thank God for that, otherwise that movie would have made me want to take my own life at spork point. Anyhoodle, Webb's going to be happy (and not just because he gets to ruin...er, direct the new Spidey movie) because Zooey is going to star in a pilot for HBO about groupies. Ahem, it's on HBO and it's a show about groupies, meaning we may be seeing more of Zooey's Deschanels than Webb was able to coax her into exposing (and you sooooo know he wanted to...seriously, that movie was Zooey face porn). Then again, maybe they'll go the Almost Famous route of noble groupie worship. You know, I'm betting somewhere right now, Webb is using some of his new Spidey money to get his first bribe going.

3.) Malick's magic has me entranced already - Somebody slow down Terrence Malick because that crazy bastard is on a roll! Having completed (to some degree) his Tree of Life (a family drama starring Sean Penn and Brad Pitt) and Voyage of Time (an IMAX documentary companion to Tree of Life narrated by Pitt), dude is working on a new movie?! This is a guy who made his last 3 movies in a span of 30 YEARS!!! Now, I don't quite have the Malick chubby that a lot of film critics do (The New World was terrible...just terrible, and that represents like 1/4 of his career output), I do think he has genius in him (see Thin Red Line and Days of Heaven). So I am more than overjoyed with news from Nikki Finke that he's next going to work on a love story featuring the following folks:

Christian Bale

Olga Kurylenko (former Bond girl)

and....wait for it...
Rachel McAdams

Now, in addition to the movie likely being good (and being directed by a noted auteur), this is the best casting ever. So here's hoping Malick almost doubles his career output in the next 12 months!

4.) Three things that have nothing to do with one another - This is the ultimate in tidiness, here are three small, small nuggets in a blog post about small nuggets. (1) - Danny Glover is going to star in Dragon Fire with Vinnie Jones...which is being described as Moby Dick with dragons. Wrap your mind grapes around that one. Danny Glover...and dragons. It's as God intended. (2) - Avatar beat Titanic yesterday, although most coverage is directed at how it's bullshit because of ticket prices and whatnot. I'll say it again, here's what I know: I know that in a down economy, Cameron's movie has made over 2 billion at the box office. TWO BILLION. For an average movie with no new ideas and not really groundbreaking visuals. TWO BILLION FOR MEDIOCRITY. I'm impressed. (3) - Daryl Hannah told Film 24 (so yes, this means Daryl Hannah is still alive) that she'll be back for Kill Bill 3. She said some weird comment about how he always intended a trilogy (a lie, because he originally said he viewed them as one movie), and spouted some nonsense about a tradition of blind samurai, which is true but her character wasn't exactly a samurai. Whatever, I loved the movies and will welcome another one. Plus, her probation/welfare officer will really be happy if the third film ever gets made.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, as per usual, we have a weird group of previews for you this week. First up is The Losers, which looks like the A-Team trailer should have. It seems to be whimsical and fun while still having awesome action. It's not an accident that it features some music from Ocean's 11, as that's part of the feel they're going for I think. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Zoe Saldana is hotter than fire-flavored fire. I know they may stray from the comic source material, but I don't care. This one is moving higher on my "must see" list.



Next up is another trailer for Kick Ass, which is atop my "must see" list. Now, this is an R-rated trailer, a redbander. So, in order to see it, you'll have to be 18 or be able to type an age that isn't your own. Crazy, right? I could not be more excited about this. Everything I see just looks better and better. Mmm...



Finally, we have Cemetery Junction, which is only included below because it is the byproduct of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. The two are going a different direction than their "Office" stuff. This is a coming-of-age Brit tale that looks a little cliched but still genuinely endearing. With those two creators involved, I'm in. Take a look.



Okay, that's it. I warned you that I had massive junk today. Wasn't lying, was I? See you tomorrow to end the week with a bang.