Woody revealed!

Because I grew up shortly after his biggest accomplishments, I've always been quasi-ambivalent to the recent work of Woody Allen. Then he cast Scarlett Johansson as a horny tramp in Match Point, and suddenly I had renewed interest in the auteur. All joking aside, I get the appeal but other than his classic material, he hasn't hit a home run with me personally in a long time. How to remedy this problem (which I know keeps Woody Allen up all night thinking "How? How do I please Ryan Syrek?"): You cast a group of talented hotties. We knew for awhile that Allen was shooting in Paris, but we didn't know the title of the film, a plot, or the full cast. Well, Yahtzee. We now know all three. It's called Midnight in Paris (am I the only one that makes a mental joke about Paris Hilton's sex tape every time a movie title ends with "in Paris?" Yes? Okay then). It's about a family that travels to, um, Paris; a young engaged couple is among them, and they confront the classic temptations of those about to get married. Allen says in a press release, “the film celebrates a young man’s great love for Paris, and simultaneously explores the illusion people have that a life different from their own is better.” Interesting. More interesting than this? The cast. Get ready for a full-blown hottie attack:

Owen Wilson (And hopefully this hat)

Marion Cotillard (Whose accent will finally fit)
Rachel McAdams (Who can do anything she wants at all times)
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy (The first lady of France?!?!?!)
Kathy Bates (What? She's hottttttt, right?)

Obviously, they had me at McAdams, who I can only hope plays the trashy love interest but likely plays the sweet, well-intentioned engaged lady. Sigh.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

You know, when you don't get a day off for something like 18 days, they all just kind of blend into one big long day. What I'm trying to say is, I no longer know if this is a NEW Thursday or the same Thursday I just finished. Who's to say? What matters is not the uniqueness of this day, what matters is that it is the day upon which I give the world my junk. Obviously, by junk I mean tiny nuggets of movie news that don't warrant a full blog post, but I will admit that the word was carefully chosen so as to evoke the most titillating responses. I was going to go with Ryan's Juicy Nuggets or Ryan's Tender Tidbits, but those didn't sound nearly as suggestive as me being able to make junk jokes. As is our special tradition, we also begin by looking at an item contained within the creepy-ass junk drawer illustration above (from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN) and making up a totally whacked-out back story about it. Today's item is the green and red object in the lower right corner. Zacharias was never the most observant guy, but even he would feel foolish later when he realized that alien life had been living in his junk drawer for the past 17 years. He had wondered aloud quite often why the drawer seemed to squeal "Gleepglorp" every time he pulled it open to hunt for a battery but had never taken the time to notice the sole remaining survivor of the planet Spleckton's destruction cowering in the corner. Oh well, intergalactic life isn't as important as finding the Duracel that can power up the remote.

Now, on to this week's juicy nuggets...er, tender tidbits...er, EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY JUNK.

1.) I will diligently cover EVERY Rachel McAdams story...EVERY ONE EVER: Although he experienced a little surge recently (that sounds dirtier than I meant it to), I don't really have a deep abiding love for the recent Woody Allen. Oh, he got Scarlett Johansson to roll around semi-nude, which I appreciate (and, fine, the movie was pretty damn good too), but for the most part he just keeps making movies like a mediocre movie machine. Also, it is increasingly apparent that there's some kind of celebrity game that you can't win without appearing in an Allen film (my theory: Allen is the center square in celebrity career bingo). Case in point, THR is reporting that Rachel McAdams is joining the cast of Woody Allen's latest, which already features Owen Wilson and Marion Cotillard. You know, because you've been waiting to see Wilson and Cotillard share the screen since...never. So on the one hand, this news gives me the excuse to do this:
On the other hand, we're talking about Owen Wilson opposite two incredibly talented, lovely ladies. How does this keep happening? Damn you, Wilson. Damn you to hell. The Allen film is untitled at this point so it's being called "Untitled Woody Allen Project" and not "Untitled Ryan Syrek Project" like I asked. It is described as a romantic drama, as opposed to the Woody Allen written and directed torture horror movie or sci-fi action project you expected. Plan on a lot of talking and neuroses. Woody Allen: Making movies that college students think rule for 40 years.

2.) Wolverine 2 is happening. Gird your loins: There's no easy way to say this, but they've finished the X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 script and they're going to start filming in January. Hopefully, they realize that they don't need the "X-Men Origins" part. Actually, what the hell am I saying, if I'm hoping, I'm hoping that they realize they don't need to make this movie at all. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. As for the other movies, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. I'm over it. We're all over it. I don't advocate starting over with some kind of reboot, but Wolvie works better with others in my opinion and this current film, which will rape the memory of the Frank Miller-penned "Wolverine as a ninja" storyline, is poised to either shoe-horn in mutants who don't belong (a la the brutal, brutal use of Gambit and Deadpool in the last Wolvie movie) or leave just Wolverine and a bunch of ninjas. Now, that last one sounds cool, but this is a FOX project, which means the writers are likely to get notes like "can these ninjas be less ninja-y? Can they not wear masks or use swords? What if the ninjas were actually all vampires? Sexy teen vampires?!" Nobody is excited for Wolverine 2. You would think that would stop a studio from spending $150 million dollars, but it won't.

3.) Hurt Locker producer put in the...well, that's just too easy: The Oscars are this weekend, and I'm excited as shit. I downloaded not one but TWO apps on my iTouch to make predictions and do other totally nerdy things. I love it unabashedly because I realize that (A) this is not about honoring the actual best film of the year, something that's impossible to do because me and my best friend can't agree on what that movie is so why we blame the Oscars for not getting it right is beyond me and (B) I like guessing who will win and watching people have emotional moments on stage. It's kind of a thing for me. Anyway, one person who will not be watching in person is Nicholas Chartier, because his ass got tossed out of the ceremony like the drunk girl dancin' on tables with her booby out gets tossed out of an Applebees. See, Chartier sent emails begging for votes, which is okay, but specified he wanted people to vote for The Hurt Locker and not "a $500 million" movie, which was obviously targeting Avatar. Now, as Nikki "Douchie Douchie" Finke points out, a TON of people do this. Chartier just got caught. He was turned in, likely by one of the people FROM his film, because apparently he caused some tension on the set. Whatever. I think this sucks. You let people spend millions taking out ads that say VOTE FOR ME but a guy sends an email and he gets kicked out? Maybe if he offered a blowie to people who voted for him, but not for asking for votes. Stupid. Combine this with the sudden and surprising bad press for the film (military people saying it "isn't realistic" and someone threatening to sue because the film was based on them) that just HAPPENED to come out right when votes were due, and you get me staring at Harvey Weinstein. I know popular theory is that James Cameron and his Avatar posse are the likely conspirators trying to bring down the front runners in order to win, but that's not true. I honestly believe that an egomaniac like Cameron both thinks (A) he's above the award and (B) that he's probably going to win already. Hell, he was the one saying "go ahead and give the director trophy to Katherine" like HE gets to decide it. No, the real person behind this is OBVIOUSLY Weinstein, who has waged campaigns like this before. His thought is that if The Hurt Locker is taken down a peg and people think Avatar is behind it that Inglourious Basterds may squeeze through. This sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. See, the Oscars are crazy fun, right?

4.) Tim Burton branches out!: Ha! Wouldn't that be hilarious?! Wouldn't it be great if he actually DID branch out? Like, he adapted a courtroom drama or a sci-fi movie or something? No, he's not going to do anything like that. He and Timur Bekmambetov are going to team up to adapt Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is so boringly appropriate for Burton that I can't stand it. He's going to cast Johnny Depp as Lincoln, you just know it, and despite the book sounding like a bit of wacky fun (it is by the peeps behind "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and follows the idea that Lincoln was...well, seriously, it's right there in the title), the movie is going to be the same old boring retread we've seen again and again and again from Burton. I would go on, but this video says everything I would say far funnier than I would say it.



5.) Trailers, parked: A few new ones this week, but nothing too exciting. First up is the next Disney flick, which combines classic and CGI animation to hit up a princess story I can't believe hasn't already been covered. Rapunzel is going to get her big-screen showcase, finally, and I can't help thinking this is going to pale in comparison to the lively, fun, and inspiring Princess and the Frog, which I fully intend on owning. This first clip is just that, a tiny clip, but it gives a little about the movie's feel and you get to hear some voice acting, which is fine. Enjoy!

Tangled


The second movie looks a little more inspired. Despite starring people that I didn't think were making movies anymore for various reasons, The Jonses looks like it may have a little sass in the tank. Clever concept, interesting trailer, and some low-budget appeal has me thinking that I may actually be somewhat excited to check this out. I'm just as surprised as you are.

The Jonses


Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Stare good and hard at it. We'll be back tomorrow for a rousing end of the week hoopla!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello bloggites. You've come to see my junk again, I see...and of course, by junk I mean my weekly column of tiny news stories that I probably could have blown up into full-fledged blog posts but chose not to because I'm lazy and because it gives me the chance to make jokes like "my junk is so huge this week I'm not sure I can get it all in." Wow. That was vulgar even for me. Before we start, as we do every week, we must first look upon the creepy-ass image above taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, pick an item from said creepy-ass image, and make a fictional creepy-ass story about it. Today's item is the green and red lump in the corner. "Marcus knew that if he was going to make this marriage work, he'd have to pretend that his wife wasn't trying to poison him. So, thinking quickly, he stashed the potato infused with acid into his junk drawer. As the years passed by, and the spud became greener and greener, so did Marcus's love for his wife, whose blood oath to destroy Marcus remains. Sometimes, if he wakes up at night, he can catch her right before she tries to put the pillow over his face and they share a moment."

Now that that is out of the way, let's get to probing and thoroughly examining my junk!

1.) Inching closer to midnight - There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Rich Johnston at Bleeding Cool has some good evidence to suggest that there's going to be some kind of sequel to "Watchmen." First, likely in comic book form, then likely on the big screen. This isn't going to be a little dabble either. We're talking spin-offs, origin stories, ongoing titles set in that world, and every other horrible, horrible thing you could imagine. The why isn't as interesting as the WTF but allow me to explain. Basically, the president of DC comics, Paul Levitz, has protected the world from experiencing the bad touch of having Alan Moore's perfect comic exploited. With him moving on to a new post, Dan DiDio, molester of good things, has all but promised to abuse the franchise however he can. The one tiny, tiny, tiny shred of good news is that Dave Gibbons (the artist) and Sir Alan Moore (the lunatic) have to be offered first refusal on any new projects. As the guys at Slashfilm.com suggest, I would love to believe that Moore will come back, even if there's zero, and I mean ZERO, chance that he will. To be clear: I want them to leave all things "Watchmen" the hell alone. Period. But knowing that they won't, knowing that they're going to get some hack like Jeph Loeb to come in and work his mediocre magic on it makes me sick. I think that Moore could do something subversive and cool with the series. We live in a different world than the Cold War world now, and it's one about which Moore clearly would have some interesting things to say. I know he won't do it, but I pray he does. Alan, they're going to ruin your masterpiece. I know you think agreeing to do it would be agreeing to help them, but it would be your last, best chance to prevent someone else from just destroying what you've done. I will say this, and I mean it: I'm echoing Devin's statements from Chud.com; if Moore isn't involved, I'm not buying it. No matter what. It's the only way to make it stop. Sorry to start out my junk so grim. I promise to be funnier in a minute.

2.) I promise that Marc Webb will be happy - 500 Days of Summer, the mediocre movie that charmed its way into the mind pants of half the world, was little more than a Zooey Deschanel worship film. Soft-focus shots of Zooey laughing, sitting, smiling, blinking, and so on and so on and so on. Oh, yeah, she's infinitely cute, see:
And thank God for that, otherwise that movie would have made me want to take my own life at spork point. Anyhoodle, Webb's going to be happy (and not just because he gets to ruin...er, direct the new Spidey movie) because Zooey is going to star in a pilot for HBO about groupies. Ahem, it's on HBO and it's a show about groupies, meaning we may be seeing more of Zooey's Deschanels than Webb was able to coax her into exposing (and you sooooo know he wanted to...seriously, that movie was Zooey face porn). Then again, maybe they'll go the Almost Famous route of noble groupie worship. You know, I'm betting somewhere right now, Webb is using some of his new Spidey money to get his first bribe going.

3.) Malick's magic has me entranced already - Somebody slow down Terrence Malick because that crazy bastard is on a roll! Having completed (to some degree) his Tree of Life (a family drama starring Sean Penn and Brad Pitt) and Voyage of Time (an IMAX documentary companion to Tree of Life narrated by Pitt), dude is working on a new movie?! This is a guy who made his last 3 movies in a span of 30 YEARS!!! Now, I don't quite have the Malick chubby that a lot of film critics do (The New World was terrible...just terrible, and that represents like 1/4 of his career output), I do think he has genius in him (see Thin Red Line and Days of Heaven). So I am more than overjoyed with news from Nikki Finke that he's next going to work on a love story featuring the following folks:

Christian Bale

Olga Kurylenko (former Bond girl)

and....wait for it...
Rachel McAdams

Now, in addition to the movie likely being good (and being directed by a noted auteur), this is the best casting ever. So here's hoping Malick almost doubles his career output in the next 12 months!

4.) Three things that have nothing to do with one another - This is the ultimate in tidiness, here are three small, small nuggets in a blog post about small nuggets. (1) - Danny Glover is going to star in Dragon Fire with Vinnie Jones...which is being described as Moby Dick with dragons. Wrap your mind grapes around that one. Danny Glover...and dragons. It's as God intended. (2) - Avatar beat Titanic yesterday, although most coverage is directed at how it's bullshit because of ticket prices and whatnot. I'll say it again, here's what I know: I know that in a down economy, Cameron's movie has made over 2 billion at the box office. TWO BILLION. For an average movie with no new ideas and not really groundbreaking visuals. TWO BILLION FOR MEDIOCRITY. I'm impressed. (3) - Daryl Hannah told Film 24 (so yes, this means Daryl Hannah is still alive) that she'll be back for Kill Bill 3. She said some weird comment about how he always intended a trilogy (a lie, because he originally said he viewed them as one movie), and spouted some nonsense about a tradition of blind samurai, which is true but her character wasn't exactly a samurai. Whatever, I loved the movies and will welcome another one. Plus, her probation/welfare officer will really be happy if the third film ever gets made.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, as per usual, we have a weird group of previews for you this week. First up is The Losers, which looks like the A-Team trailer should have. It seems to be whimsical and fun while still having awesome action. It's not an accident that it features some music from Ocean's 11, as that's part of the feel they're going for I think. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Zoe Saldana is hotter than fire-flavored fire. I know they may stray from the comic source material, but I don't care. This one is moving higher on my "must see" list.



Next up is another trailer for Kick Ass, which is atop my "must see" list. Now, this is an R-rated trailer, a redbander. So, in order to see it, you'll have to be 18 or be able to type an age that isn't your own. Crazy, right? I could not be more excited about this. Everything I see just looks better and better. Mmm...



Finally, we have Cemetery Junction, which is only included below because it is the byproduct of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. The two are going a different direction than their "Office" stuff. This is a coming-of-age Brit tale that looks a little cliched but still genuinely endearing. With those two creators involved, I'm in. Take a look.



Okay, that's it. I warned you that I had massive junk today. Wasn't lying, was I? See you tomorrow to end the week with a bang.

Web of Lies: Hatha-why not?

Okay, this Black Cat thing is officially batshit insane. I'm turning the dial from excitable nutso to Mel Gibson, as Nikki Finke is now saying that in addition to:

Rachel McAdams

Romola Garai

and

Julia Stiles
we can now add

Anne Hathaway
to the mix.

Hathaway is the only Oscar nominee of the bunch, so she gets points for that. She does lose points for not being Rachel McAdams, which are the same points that Julia Stiles and Romola Garai lost. Who will win this race? Will I continue to be able to post different smokin' hot pictures of smokin' hot actresses? Is there even going to be a Spider-man 4 or is it just going to be a casting couch where Sam Raimi gets to leer at the hottest women in the world? Who can say. All I know is that my friend Steve King from CD105.9 informed me that Kirsten Dunst said this about her cross-country road trip: "After we were done, I was like, 'Wow, America is so poor. Just the towns you come across . . . all that's there are restaurants and gas stations." And there's the quote from the one person we KNOW is in the movie. Again, you have your pick of the women above, or this:

Do the right thing, Peter Parker.

Spidey-sense tingling! (Get used to this)

I'm going to be wrapped around Spider-man 4 news tighter than a high-school girl's Twilight book cover wraps around her History textbook. If you don't like that, there are plenty of blogs out there that deal with important social issues (like the one called "This Is Why You're Fat"). With the fourth film ramping up production, I'm going to be freaking out on a near daily basis over some rumor or another, only to find out that they're all malarkey. Buckle-up Spider-fans (or mild Spider-enthusiasts), it's going to be a bumpy ride (and by bumpy ride, I mean volumes of idle speculation and lurid photos). Speaking of which

That long-legged lovely above (who is showing that she has the physical prowess to be the Black Cat in Spider-man 4) has now officially claimed she is not the Black Cat in Spider-man 4. McAdams tells Entertainment Weekly that it's a bunch of hokey, but we've heard this song and dance many, many, many times before. Like when Bradley Cooper said he hadn't heard about The A-Team or The Green Lantern, both of which he was considered for. I'm not going to say that I totally dismiss what that lovely, lovely lady says...but we'll have to wait and see. The second bit of news is far more concerning...SpoilerTV has reportedly snagged a call sheet that is asking for twin toddler boys with red hair...leading everyone to believe that there's a chance Spidey knocked up MJ and have a little spider-baby. Well, let me be the first to say calm down. If I were guessing, I would say that this is for a dream sequence of some kind. That or they've finally made a good choice and married MJ off to someone else. I doubt that second one, but the first one makes the most sense to me. There's no way, NO WAY that they are dumb enough to Superman Returns this thing after the turd that was Spider-Man 3. They have too much to prove. Plus, with the role of the Black Cat (whomever may play her) almost totally for sure, the thought of introducing a love interest for a guy who just had a kid is too much for a superhero movie...at least I hope so. Oh, and then there's this problem. You can't expect us to believe that Peter Parker would knock up this:

when he could get with this

Suspension of disbelief my butt.

If this is true, the cat is in the bag

Stop the presses, folks. The inter-blog-o-net-o-sphere just erupted with the following rumor: Rachel McAdams is going to be the black cat in Spider-man 4. Visually, that means:

is gonna play

Heart...stopping...in...chest....

I'm so happy right now.

Supposedly, hit mania.com has it on good authority that McAdams's Black Cat (wow that feels good to say) will be paired with a male villain who will not be the Lizard. Because the kitty is a thief, my brain instantly flashes to the Kingpin, which would be great if they have the rights to him. If not, I hope it's another mafioso type guy, because it would be great to see all of the effects money go to Spidey himself, not some whacked out baddie. They've done big, let's try small. Plus, this fits with what worked in the second movie, a bad guy who Peter is connected to as well. This could sooooo redeem the franchise...and change my life.

Hubris, my dear Watson

I like optimism as much as the next guy (more actually, I'm a Cubs and Bears fan), but it seems to me that there's a fine line between having confidence in your upcoming, unreleased, fairly run-of-the-mill looking Sherlock Holmes movie (which bears a striking resemblance to The Wild Wild West adaptation to me) and getting the screenwriters to start working on a sequel. Oh, I get it, your lead is in high demand, what with his armored shenanigans and all (they'll want Downey Jr back in that metal suit ASAP...which is an acronym for "as soon as pee-pee"), but you have no clue if Holmes is going to be a hit despite the gross-national-product of Guam you've sunk into it. Now, it will help things if, as I am still insisting, Brad Pitt is going to cameo at the end as Moriarty, Holmes's nemesis. ...And I suppose if you had an actor of that caliber lined up for what is clearly more than just a quick nod (Moriarty is far too important to recast), I'd imagine you'd have to move fast on a sequel or risk losing him. Hey, now that I think about it, this is beginning to make more sense. If Pitt IS going to be Moriarty, which I know people have disputed but whatever people are lying sacks of Bantha poodoo and Guy Ritchie and Pitt sure do like each other, this HAS to be fast-tracked. That's it, I'm going to go ahead and use this as further proof that my hair-brained Pitt-as-Moriarty idea is confirmed...or at least plausible. Also, I'm not going to complain about any movie with this in it:



Dangerously alluring INDEED!

Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes

Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.