Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 29)

This column has reached 29. You know what that means: It's about to endure an identity crisis. It's going to be all "Nobody loves me. What have I done with my life? Nobody even reacts or responds to me. And it's sure as hell obvious that nobody wants to write film@thereader.com and get information about how to send me products for free." This is what happens when things turn 30.

Quick moment of seriousness: Unlike my Junk Drawer, which you get to peek in tomorrow, I rarely break the farce of this column. I don't expect anyone to buy me any of this stuff. Honestly, I don't. I do sometimes wish that studios would send me DVDs/Blu-Rays to review, just because that's what all the cool sites get, but I really just do this column to be funny and to show off cool nerd shit that I know friends of mine will like. That's all. I realize that I sound like a greedy piggie when I write it...and if this is the first time someone has stumbled on Ye Olde Blog, they may be frightened by the hubris of someone demanding things (or ashamed of the indecency of someone begging). It's all a schtick. Unless, of course, you are someone working for one of the many companies I pimp for free. In which case: GIMMEE, GIMMMEEEEE, GIMMMMMEEEEE!

Here are the three things you should buy me this week:

1.) I'm a big supporter of the nerd soap movement - First, as always, a big tip of my 40 oz to NerdApproved.com, who is constantly killin' it like an Energizer shark. Second, I can't tell you how ingenious this nerd-hygiene movement is. I was impressed when I saw the Han Solo in carbonite soap bar. That was inspired. Now I see this:
That's entirely made of soap. Yeah, a Nintendo cartridge ENTIRELY MADE OF SOAP. Where from? Geeksoap. See, we've been going at this all wrong people. We've been trying to bring our smelly nerd friends the soap, when we need to make our smelly nerd friends find the soap all on their own. Why does the comic book store always smell like "uh oh" milk? Because nobody had yet thought of a way to convince nerds that soap wasn't harmful to them. Boom. Geeksoap. Remember, as I've said before, you're going to want to buy your nerdlings two of each kind. They're going to keep one mint in box (that joke is funnier when you realize that the flavor of that soap above is mint).

2.) This will be lame if you're not the first person to do it - I'm warning you, this next one is something that should be done immediately or not at all. I have no doubt in my mind that the third time you see such a thing, you'll be talking about how lame it is. But the first time...the first time you see it, you cannot help but admire the awesomeness.
That's a Carstache. You no longer have to dream about turning your car into a circa 1970s porn star: You can do it. Again, I realize that the novelty of this may have even worn off between the time that you saw the image and the time you finish reading this, but still...that's a mustache for your car.

3.) There are literally thousands of these - If I had to pick one, and only one, all-inclusive shirt to display my affection for the greatest television show in the history of broadcasting (and the link above will take you to a billion other options), I would choose this one:
It's always been about characters for me, and it looks damn cool. I'm about to head over to the post where I chat about "Lost," so I thought this was fitting today. It's a great shirt for a great show. Sniffle. I'm getting nostalgic already!

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 28)

Another week, another void on my shelf that I've cleared to put things that people have bought me or sent to me for free. I have received Zippo (not Zeppo, who is dead). I'm just saying that if you send an email to film@thereader.com, I'll give you an address at which I can be reached to receive glorious merchandise. How is this not a win/win scenario? You send me stuff, I accept it. It's a beautiful relationship. Once more, I have to praise both ThinkGeek and NerdApproved, both of whom do this little song and dance better than I do...mainly because that's how they make a living. I say this without ever having been bribed by either site, which may be why they aren't inclined to bribe me.

Anyhoodle, here are the three things I want most this week:

1.) I don't have a child...but I do know some - And they would look awesome sucking on this:
No lie, this is the coolest pacifier I've ever seen...and I've seen some cool pacifiers. ThinkGeek realizes that you want your kids looking horrifying and have created just the thing to make them that way. Beyond suggesting that the vampire craze is now officially entering into ridiculous territory, this will be a great way to stop kids from using their pacifiers. When you want to wean them off of it, all you have to do is hold them up to a mirror. It's brilliant. It terrifies adults AND children. That's a win/win.

2.) FINALLY! My sleep habits are no longer freakish! - I sleep like I'm in the middle of asking a question a lot. Finally, NerdApproved has located the item I most need to sleep well.
Genius. Pure genius. Why it has taken centuries to create a pillow of this magnificence, I'll never understand. I can't imagine that this took some kind of advanced pillow technology. It simply took someone saying "hey, what if we cut a hole in it?" What if we cut a hole in it INDEED?! This brilliant doodad costs like $100. That's a lot. Thankfully, I'm worth it. Plus, if someone would just send it to me, it would cost me $0. That's cheaper.

3.) It's a tie - Sometimes, you can't choose between two amusingly cute T-shirts. Both of these make me smile. Both are from Threadless. The first is called Cowboys vs Indians.
The second is called "You've got some 'splaining to do."
The first one is better looking, the second one is funnier. Either way, you win.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 27)

I tell you, I've been doing this column for forever now....okay, only about 7 months, but that's a long time (especially if you're a dog). So far, I've been inundated with free swag. And by inundated, I mean I haven't received anything for free aside from gifts from friends and family. Let's face it, this is more like a really, really long birthday list than a promotional page for people who should send me free stuff. Break that curse! Be the first to actually send me something for free! If you contact me at film@thereader.com, I promise to give you my address so that you can send me stuff for free! Isn't that nice of me?! Whatever. I feel as sad as the telephone repair man who never gets paid in gum.

Anyhoodle, here are the cool ass cool things that nobody will send me for free this week:

1.) It gets you clean AND makes you feel dirty - Who hasn't wanted to rub Harrison Ford's face on their naked parts for decades (especially after Firewall...he deserved to have his face shoved in many stinky places for that). Now you finally have the chance to do so without the risk of incarceration:
Yeah, that's right. If you go HERE, you can buy Han Solo in Carbonite soap for $6.50. How have we gone this long without creating this as a society? I mean, this idea really took more than 30 years? This should have come out at the time of Empire Strikes Back. It should have been handed out to the sweaty throngs of nerds standing in line for the re-release at least! Seriously, I was in that line, and it smelled of ballsweat, tears, and fear of vaginas.

2.) If you want to wake up terrified... - My friend Jason sent me this:
That is to say, Jason sent me the link to the ThinkGeek page that sold it, not the actual clock. For a mere $50, you can wake up like Desmond did inside the hatch for all those years. Yeah, you guessed it, in order to shut the alarm off, you have to correctly type in the numbers. This is real, people. You can set it like a regular alarm clock, but if you don't get the numbers right (and when the alarm goes off), it shows you those terrifying hieroglyphics...actually, why does the Dharma clock in "Lost" show hieroglyphics now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah, another mystery we'll never understand. This post just divided people reading it: Half of you think this is the coolest thing ever created, and the other half of you want to know how I can justify drinking first thing in the morning.

3.) Technically, I don't love luchadores...but... - I do already have one shirt in what looks to be a series of "Ninjas vs (fill in the blank)." That shirt has ninjas fighting pirates. This shirt has adorable ninjas fighting Mexican wrestlers.
Seriously, I know grown men shouldn't own clothing that they find adorable...but that's adorable. The little ninjas are fighting the little garishly dressed Mexican wrestlers and I just want to hug them all. This column never does good things to my reputation.

Anyway, feel free to send me all of the above for free.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 26)

With UNO's Forensics season now behind me (I am still in happy-time shock), I can begin really, really dedicating myself to totally f**king around. With this in mind, I eagerly return y'all to my weekly begging. Oh, and I would really kick myself if I didn't remind everyone (like you don't have it circled with a heart on your calendars already) that my birthday is a mere 50 shopping days away. Start saving those shekels, because nobody is buying me the things they should be buying me. Seriously, at the risk of going into a once-funny-but-now-kind-of-annoying-soon-to-be-totally-unbearable-SNL-sketch...what up with that?

I wonder if the folks at Nerd Approved must suffer the indignity of not receiving or playing with all the cool shit they're pimping? Seriously though, you should check that blog out. It has sooooo many bad ass things that it makes this column look like a joke. If anyone out there wants to send me cool, free stuff though, you just contact me at film@thereader.com and I will give you the deets on how to do just that. Hell, I'll come and pick them up, so you'll save on shipping and get to hang out with me.

Here's the best things for you to buy me right now:

1.) I am having a "Lost" party for the finale...so I'm going to need these: I could make this whole column about "Lost"-related merchandise...and one day soon, I probably will. For now, I think I'm good with showing you these:
You can buy them here, and when you do, really buy me the one with the Dharma logo around the beer mug. I like the polar bear stuff, but I'm going to be honest with you, the polar bears never really did it for me in the show. Not as much as the Dharma stuff. Anyway, I'm going to love this show forever, so I may as well surround myself in it. My children are going to ask me why other children they go to school with weren't weaned on tales of electromagnetic energy gone wrong and don't fall asleep by saying "see you in another life, brutha."

2.) And they say I never include anything for the ladies - So there you are: grilling season in full effect. You're on your deluxe patio complete with luxurious plastic furniture, sipping your beverage of choice (ice-cold sodee pop). You're about to enjoy some delicious grilled meat (mostly squirrel) and corn...perfect golden corn. But you can't use your hands to eat that corn, you ain't backwards like those heathens from Iowa. No, you need something to stab into the side of that corn so you can get it all buttery and delicious without making your hands greasy. I give to you: UNI-CORN.

I am aware that this will likely draw laughs. But remind the people who laugh at you that they are (A) no longer eligible to eat your corn and (B) about to get stabbed in the neck by a plastic unicorn. Then, stand over them while they bleed to death, hungry for corn, and laugh. "Who's dumb for using Uni-Corn now? WHO'S DUMB NOW?!"

3.) This shirt makes a good case - I'm not sure how often you've truly weighed your zombie versus non-zombie options, but this shirt from Threadless sure does a lot of the ground work for you.
As you can see, in the end, it really doesn't matter as the hordes of the dead will eventually overwhelm and consume you. But until then, you'll have a fairly good run. I think of all the modern developments, the fact that zombies have gone mainstream may be among my favorites. God bless the USA.

Okay, now get to buying.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 25)

I don't know if Sean and Jonathon Fallon, the two bloggers whose identities I identified on Nerdapproved.com, have been inundated with the products they relentlessly pimp, but if not they should be. Actually, if not, then why am I doing this? If an entire blog dedicated to pointing out the most awesome crap in the world can't get free awesome crap, my once-weekly begging is likely to fall on deaf ears (please, no Marlee Matlin jokes...not because I'm sensitive but because "Family Guy" already did those to death). So, if the brothers Fallon (I assume they're brothers, but they may be anything from cousins to legally wed) can let me know whether I'm wasting my time here, that would be great. Until then, it's a mere 2 months of shopping days until my birthday so I see no reason not to start your purchasing now.

Here's my list of GIMME GIMMES for this week:

1.) Coaster of death - I know it's totally not cool to make fun of natural disasters, but if it's my coaster making the joke, I'm cool with that.
Nerdapproved turned me on to this $12 item that turns the condensation from your tasty beverage into a torrent of terror for fictional denizens of the city depicted. Simulated flooding has never been more enjoyable. YOU get to experience both the delightful taste treat of whatever glorious cocktail you have in your highball glass. THEY get to suffer the fate of people not played by Jake Gyllenhaal in The Day After Tomorrow. Okay, seriously, I HAVE to stop referencing that movie. It sucks, and yet, I'm uncontrollably drawn to referencing it.

2.) The single nerdiest item I've ever pimped out - I have no place for this. I probably don't even want it. But I HAVE to show you what is the single nerdiest item in the history of nerdy items.
Again, Nerdapproved found the holy nerdvana. This is the periodic table of science fiction film and television. Yeah, you read that right. This also provides cool formulas like Avatar = Et + Matrix Revolutions + Lost in Space + XO Squad. That's brilliant. We've posted nerdy things here before, but this will straight up give you back your virginity, make Mountain Dew Code Red taste good, and give you public speaking anxiety. It's also totally beautiful. Look up on it and know the face of your (nerd) God.

3.) It is what it is - And it IS a ninja cutting your head off.
Threadless.com does it again. That's a shirt of a ninja cutting your head off. Instant cool. I know that you could argue that proportions are way off in this shirt, but I beg to differ. That ninja is actual size. If you're trying to tell me that a 12-inch ninja CAN'T cut your head off, I'd like to see you prove it.

That's it for my weekly wants. Pretty awesome, no?

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 24)

Mad, mad props to newly discovered blog NerdApproved.com. I'm going to be featuring 3 items from their site today, so you should all go give them mad hits so that they know how much I value their badassery. I would like to point out though that they probably get free swag from some of the places that they feature, whereas I have gotten squatto, which is not like Quatto (the mutant from Total Recall). The offer still stands for me to give my address out to people who email film@thereader.com with promises of free crap. I promote well. I'm funny. I can write haikus about your product. I guarantee exposure to literally dozens of eyes. I don't see a downside here.

Anyway, here's the crap I want for free this week (inspired by NerdApproved...and by inspired by, I mean that's where I saw all this stuff).

1.) My ears want to look cool, too! - Here we have the first awesome item, Marvel comics headphones, which come in various flavors, including Hulk, Iron Man, Punisher, and X-Men...but shocking not Spider-man. Although that last fact makes me sad, I can't be too broken up because these retro X-Men ones look rad.

Now, I'm not sure of the sound quality, and they are $40. So, I should have someone GIVE me a pair so that I can also rave about how great they sound! See, this is just good marketing people. I know that "ear buds" are the thing, but sometimes I hate them. Sometimes I want good old fashioned cupping earphones, the kind that make me feel like a tiny person is holding my ears.

2.) Beer pouch hoodie? Yesplease!!!! - I have to tell you guys, this NerdApproved site is the total shit. They are pretty much perfect and hit every nerd bone in my body. Here they have a hoodie that has a pocket for your beer.

Look at that. LOOK AT IT! You can keep your BEER IN YOUR SWEATSHIRT. It's genius, GENIUS I SAY! It's plain gray, but you can always embroider something hysterical on it like "Bring Da Amber Lamps" or something. I love it. If that doesn't say "for use while watching the Chicago Bears" I don't know what does.

3.) Coolest notebooks EVER - Okay, so seriously, you can spend HOURS combing through this NerdApproved site. One of the more practical nerdy things I found was this:
Those are notebooks that LOOK like passports from crazy foreign countries. A set of 4 is like $16 bucks. I use little notebooks a lot. How COOL would it be for you to open up your briefcase and just have a ton of these in there. You would look like a spy. Ladies would throw themselves at you. I need these.

Okay, that's it for today. Seriously, though, do yourself a favor and check out NerdApproved. Good stuff and some funny writing. I approve!

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 23)

I haven't had a day off in what seems like an entire lunar cycle. Earlier this week, this fact manifested itself in me becoming a full-on pissy-pants. I was a grumpus of the 12th degree. Today, however, I'm all (tired) smiles and happy (delirious) thoughts. I don't know why I'm starting the "send me free crap" column this way today, but whatever, it's my blog and I'll treat it like a nonsensical diary whenever I want to. I once more remind the world that if they contact the groggy, incredibly loopy person writing this here blurb at film@thereader.com, he (meaning I) would be more than happy to provide you explicit instructions and directions as to how to deliver the incredible assortment of fun shit I'm about to request. Quick, before I start dropping emo thoughts like shitty but amusing status updates on facebook or twitter ("Whatever, world. I WILL survive, even if NO ONE out there understands or loves me."), let's move to the things I want this week.

1.) Because R2 cares if my nasal cavity is dry - Warning, this is going to be even heavier into thinkgeek this week than ever, mostly because they are the flippin' ballz. How do you see this and not want it?


That's a USB-powered R2D2 humidifier for your desk. Every time I bitch about how science hasn't given us the cure for cancer or whatever, I want you to remind me that someone out there invented a small version of R2 that you can pour water in and hook up your computer to avoid having a dry throat. That ought to satisfy me. I kid you not, this could be one of my favorite things ever. If I were Oprah, I would give this away to throngs of screaming people. Because I'm not, I want someone to give it to me.

2.) See, I'm helping to decorate the house! - I'm not the person you want doing interior design work. I have no sense of style, I just like movies. In addition to movie posters, which I'm told look good when hung on walls, I think it would be kind of cool to hang some of these on the wall.

They're surprisingly cheap, and I think if you were to decorate say a basement with a mind towards making it feel like a cool place to watch movies, you could do worse than slap up a couple of these amidst your cool-ass posters (which are far easier to find). Again, I don't want anyone thinking I know what I'm doing on such matters, but I've always found something inherently cool about these reels. Then again, I also want to eat Perky Jerky.

3.) Fight the power...of non-video gamers - I like so much about this shirt.


From the Russian colors, to the fact that I have at some point played with almost all of these things, this is an inspired shirt that seems to send a message with its militaristic style...but it doesn't really have one. That's great.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 22)

Remember, you don't HAVE to buy me these things. In fact, a lot of you are friends and family, and, outside of birthdays and Christmas, I don't EXPECT you to buy me these things. This is really about free advertising for merchants who don't know I'm alive in the hopes that one day they will send free stuff to me (by contacting me at film@thereader.com). Okay, fine, it may also be about just showing off some cool stuff that you may be interested. But mostly, it's about the hopes that one day I get a big ole package of free swag. Mmm. Swag.

Here's the things you should send me for free because I'm a good person this week:

1.) I can't cut straight: There are roles you take on in relationships. Despite having zero talent, I'm the one who wraps the presents. It usually goes like this: "Hey, would you wrap the presents while I get ready?" Every. Single. Time. Birthdays? Yep. Christmas? Yep. Mother's/Father's/any-other-person's Day? Yep. So what I'm going to need is a pair of scissors with a laser sight on it. I can't cut straight for shit, but these...these will help me. Thinkgeek always knows how to do it up right. In this case, doing it up right means ensuring that both my wrapping paper is cut correctly and that I can freak out people with my laser scissors. Double win.

2.) It terrifies me, and yet I want to go to there: What we have below from Threadless is one of those things that walks the line between "cool!" and "OH GOD GET IT AWAY!" I like that. This is a more accurate, slightly more terrifying look at our friends on a certain street that may or may not have something to do with the objects placed on top of a McDonald's hamburger bun. Personally, I think our children would be best served learning on that magical creatures do not exist, but terrifying real ones do.

3.) It ain't cool, but it's practical: I don't have one of these.

It's like a buck fifty. It opens CDs and DVDs without turning people into disgusting curse machines. It's probably worth owning. I know this isn't the cool nerd junk that you usually see, but whenever I see someone struggling with a newly purchased electronics item, I wonder how much longer our species has. So, help us stay on the planet by proving evolution works.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 21)

If this column were a person, and if weeks were years, it would get totally shitfaced right now. It would drink in celebration of its friends who bought things and would drink in torment from the strangers who don't send free swag (by contacting film@thereader.com to get an address). But it's not a person, it's a column, so there's no need to consider such things.

And now, I give you: Things I want because I'm greedy despite having a pretty terrific life at times when I'm not whiny and/or grumpy.

1.) I won't misplace this USB key - I often lose my USB key. The one I SHOULDN'T lose. The one with a whole bunch of stuff on it that is technically backed up elsewhere but would really eff up my day if I lost it. I think the reason why is that it is so small. I get the idea of portability, but I think I would lose it. I don't really fly anywhere, so I think it's safe to get me this larger USB key that I definitely wouldn't misplace.

Yep, ThinkGeek has a grenade USB. It captures all of the whimsy of violence and terrorism with my need to store data in portable ways. How can that possibly go wrong?

2.) Go ahead, tell someone you DON'T want this shirt - I'm about to show you the future of awesome. Prepare yourself, now, I don't want you to be checking this column on your mobile device while on a ladder and plummet to your death. Threadless has outdone themselves again.

Yeah, that Mr. T(iger). If you know of something cooler, you are a liar. When we are a forgotten civilization thousands of years from now, if this is all that survives, I'm cool with that.

3.) Blu-ray catch up! - I just got a Blu-Ray player not too long ago and could really, really use some movies for it. I mean, at Amazon.com they've got 2001 for 7 bucks! Batman Begins and The Dark Knight for less than $15?! Dark City for $10!!! I need in on this! Actually, what I need is some studio out there to realize that I will be the coolest cat in the world (given that the thing on the t-shirt above isn't real) to send promo Blu-Rays to. I will promote them, I will celebrate them....I will let them sleep in my bed. There's no reason you shouldn't do that, studios who clearly read this blog every day. I'm waiting.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 19)

I spent so much time on "Lost" these past two days, I will have a super-sized Junk Drawer tomorrow for all of you (that's what we in the business call a "preview"). So please come back to this same spot tomorrow and gaze upon my massive junk. For now, let's talk about the stuff that should be bought for me (or, more accurately, sent to me for free by people who know I pimp good stuff). As was recommended, you can feel free to send stuff to me by contacting me at film@thereader.com to find out my address. I don't actually expect my friends and family to do this, but Lord do I hope some company does, just so I can celebrate that glorious moment.

Here's what I want this week:

1.) Seriously, how do I not own this already? - This is so amazing that I can't believe I don't already have it on me right now. It's on Cafepress, and it's a zip-up hoodie.

If you can't read it, it says "Guns don't kill boys, Sayid does." How great is that? Wow is that perfect. I love that wacky Iraqi so much.

2.) Even this image is cool. - I make pasta a lot (because it's easy). How cool is this from thinkgeek?

I mean, you can put that in the dishwasher so much easier. Plus, hello space-age, futuristic dishes!!! How cool are you if you pull out this to strain your pasta? Answer: Very.

3.) I have to know. - Abbie and I just both finished reading Margaret Atwood's incredible follow-up/sequel/not-really-a-sequel-so-much-as-a-side-story-to-"Oryx and Crake" novel called "Year of the Flood." Not too long ago, I found out that there was a music CD that was based on the songs contained in the book. I know have to know what they sound like, even though I'm guessing the answer is creepy. Amazon has it.

Mostly, I'm just happy this exists. It's so cool that someone went to the lengths of making this that I want to reward that...by getting it for free.

Okay, I know there wasn't a ton of chatty mcchat chat in this weeks Things You Should Buy Me, but I'm riding a "Lost" high and a wicked sinus infection/cold thing. So forgive me!

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 18)

I just realized that we're going to have some kind of "column" type feature every day of the week starting next week! That's kind of cool, right? Monday will be Weekend Box Office Results (Haiku Style), Tuesday will be Lost Predictions (I need a better title for that one), Wednesday will be both Lost Reactions (again, better title needed) AND Things You Should Buy Me, Thursday is Ryan's Junk Drawer, and Friday is Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions. Lord do I suddenly have an organization boner. That's just so regimented and orderly that I can barely stand it! Speaking of things I can't stand, I'm actively trying to get Roadside Attractions, who have been AWESOME in the past, to send me a screener of Mystery Team so I can get a review up prior to the DVD release. You know, it's not like me to beg (ahem), but I desperately "want to go to there."



For as much as my loved ones have, over the holiday season, done exactly what this here column asks them to do (namely, buy me things), I would love to shift into "Things You Should Comp Me Because I Will Promote the Shit Out of Them." Which is more of where I'm coming from with this week's entries:

1.) Say "Bonjorno" to the best action figure ever - Slashfilm.com has an awesomely detailed look at the first action figure I've hungered for in a few years. Hot Toys is debuting this beauty, at 1/6 accurate scale, and it has all sorts of interchangeable gadgets and gizmos. Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you: Lt. Aldo Raines.
I know, it's crazy. It comes with all of this:
Seriously, I know that I'm too old to play with toys, but this isn't a toy. This is a miniaturized Nazi-killin' machine. That detail?! Those knives?! Those guns?! The ability to walk around going "Grazi" and "I WANT MY SCALPS" while fidgeting with a teeny tiny Brad Pitt?! I know the retail will probably be about $200 bucks but...I would be willing to keep it for free.

2.) The ultimate nerd/horror buff Valentine's day - Okay, so Valentine's day is mostly designed for loveless older couples and teenagers who need an excuse to get their horny on. It's a dumb-ass holiday that serves no purpose and I love to mock it. That said, the following gifts from ThinkGeek are the only way to keep the stupid-ass non-holiday (noniday) cool. How's about a gummy heart that bleeds when you bite into it?

See, you devour it?!

Nothing says love like THIS kind of candy! Not for you? Well, do you prefer the affections of a many-tentacled demonic creation? Then I have the air aroma for you! It's the Malignant Dreams of Cthulu in Love scent for your incense burning thingie!
Nothing says love like the sweet embrace of a Lovecraftian monster. And nothing better captures that feeling than the fragrance above. This is genius.

3.) This is funny, I don't care that it's shallow - I know this is simplistic, but you have to admit you laughed.
Get it? It's the Beatles. Get it? Whatever, it's funny.

That's it for today, gang. I'll do better tomorrow when I get to show off my junk.