Friday Blitz 2: Horny for Hornet? You'll have to wait.

Brace yourselves, it's Friday Blitz part deux:

The path of The Green Hornet to the big screen is complicated and awful enough to make you wonder what level of dedication you have to have to overcome years of obstacles just to bring a mediocre 60s television show about a dude who wears a lame mask and his racially troubling relationship with his manservant who knows kung fu. Me? I'd have given up after the first three projects fell apart. Now comes word that the latest installment, which has gotten to the point where they're filming and such (with Seth Rogen and director Michel freakin' Gondry), is going to be delayed further from its original delay. It was supposed to be a summer movie, then it was a winter movie, now it's a 2011 movie, with the film bumping to MLK Jr Day 2011 in order to, you guessed it, convert the thing to 3D. Now, as much as I don't mind the thought of watching Gondry blow my everlovin' mind in three dimensions, converting a film not shot in 3D looks like shit and the fad has officially gone from "overblown" to "Twilight-level." Like deep-fat-fried anything, 3D is good in moderation, not as all 3 meals for the day. I'm intrigued by The Green Hornet (solely on the Gondry basis), but this turns me off a great deal.

Along came Polley

Sarah Polley starred in Go, one of the best underrated films of all time for my money, but you probably know her from the Dawn of the Dead remake. She looks like this.
Really, that's all irrelevant, because she's a director now. Ya-boo! As you may be aware, females can, in fact, be directors, a fact that Hollywood is slowly realizing after a short century. Whenever a promising young female talent comes up behind the camera, I want to promote that extensively to remind studios that said cameras aren't operated by use of the dingus. So let's all get the excitement rolling for Take This Waltz, which sounds damn good. It's about a woman who has lotsa affairs and realizes she's addicted to the honeymoon phase of relationships. The script was on the black list (the list of hot scripts no one has made into movies yet), and the movie will star this guy:
This awesome girl (Michelle Williams)
And supposedly one more "star to be named later" to round out the cast. It's unknown whether Rogen will play the hubbie that gets cheated on or the guy doing the cheating. All that's known is that Williams will be forced to pretend to want Seth Rogen (I kid). Williams has quietly turned into a bad-ass actress, and I'm excited to see this combination of great script, promising young (FEMALE!) director, and talented young actors. Why, it's almost as though quality is enough of a reason to be excited for a film beyond hype and shenanigans (oh, how I loathe shenanigans).

Anna Kendrick is with Seth Rogen...and cancer

Everyone loves Seth Rogen...this may be an overgeneralization, but how do you hate that the most bitchin' Jew-fro wearin', comic-book lovin' former chub...just look at him!

Everyone also loved director Jonathon Levine's debut, The Wackness.

Everyone now loves Anna Kendrick (who, after calling Omaha sexy while talking about her filming of Up in the Air gets a 100% free pass for life from me).

Everybody hates cancer (no image needed). Thus, putting the former three components together in a movie called I'm With Cancer seems like a good balance. The film is about a 25-year-old TV producer who has the disease. It is likely whimsical and insightful, but I wouldn't know because they haven't made it yet and no one asks me for script approval. I'm a little tired of the thematic device of cancer, but limiting people from discussing mortality on screen is a little harsh, so I'll allow it. I wouldn't say I'm downright excited for this project, but Kendrick is enough to keep me interested, as she is apparently interested in me (hey, I live in Omaha, Omaha is sexy, ergo I am sexy).

Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes

Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.

I would pay to see Seth Rogen actually fight Nic Cage

I don't think anybody really knows what the hell is going on with The Green Hornet. Seriously, after years of development, I'm not even sure I can identify the color green. The only theory I have is that the act of making this movie is some kind of performance art designed to make the heads of people like yours truly do the Scanners thing. Oddly enough, I believe this reaction to be the same one people have to this video shown to me via a post by my good friend Dave DeMarco.



Total aside, but my reaction to this footage was five fold: (1) I didn't know the dude who sang Chocolate Rain got his start in gay porn. (2) I'm 99% sure that if you tear off that guy's fake beard, underneath you'll find Nicholas Cage. (3) I will buy whatever beardo is selling. (4) Someone should wake up whoever fell asleep on the keyboard in the background. (5) If anyone has a copy of the screenplay, I ... Read Moreneed it. I want to make sure that the stage direction reads "Man with beard looks like he's orgasmically passing a kidney stone while Urkel develops Asperger's syndrome."

Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. A brief stroll through the troubled timeline of Green Hornet is like taking a survey of a codependent's relationship history: It's scary, confusing, and you can understand the desire to sleep with most of the people involved. It began with news that Seth Rogen was going to shed the pounds (which he has, presumably using Dr. Leo Spaceman's methamphetamine diet "Do the Meth") and take on the role of the costumed crusader who had some link to The Lone Ranger. Steven Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle and earnest goofball, was slated to play Kato. "Ah," said the movie world, "We're getting a comedy." Notsofast my assumption-making reader. Rogen then assured the world that he was making a pseudo-serious film with kick-ass action. Then the film supposedly fell apart. Then Chow decided not to direct (if he ever was). Then they brought in Michael Gondry (because who doesn't think "let's get the guy who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a generic superhero movie). Then Chow left. That brings us to the immediate past when two rumors began to be floated like turds in a spacious toilet. First came word that Cameron "No discernible talent" Diaz was thinking about the female love interest role (for a second, you thought she was going to be Kato, didn't you). Now comes word from Variety that Nic "I make Cameron Diaz seem talented" Cage is circling the role of the villain (in the movie, not in life...in life, he's got that part locked up). So, if you're keeping score at home, the movie has no Kato, possibly has Diaz and Cage, and Michael Gondry directing. Oh, and they're supposedly starting the shoot in a month or two. Oh, and the script could, according to Rogen who helped write it, go more serious or more comedic depending who they cast as Kato. Oh, and they're thinking about Dane Cook for Kato (okay, that one I made up). Insanity, Green Hornet be thy name.