I'm back...and more Australian than ever

Award yourself three bonus points if you were able to successfully identify the title of this blog post as a quip made by one of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" gang during their review of Kathy Ireland's Alien from LA. Anyhoodle, just to give you a quick chance to catch up with what I've been up to since last we cyber-spoke: The University of Nebraska Omaha's forensics team (again, that means speaking and not "CSI" stuff) nailed down their first top 10 finish ever, had their best individual overall student (Allison Henri, who was 16th in the country), and had one student (Cameron Logsdon) win the first individual national championship in school history when he won Program of Oral Interpretation. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, just know that UNO achieved more than I could have dreamed...and last night I had a dream where a monkey milked a unicorn while MC Hammer watched. Now, I've missed a lot of stuff...and I do not have the time to walk through each and every single event that took place. That said, I'm going to do my damnedest to hit the highlights.

I really don't want to overwhelm all of you, so I'm going to do this in the shortest way possible...no, not haikus (although I'm tempted), but I am going to do some rhyming verse. Here goes, I give to you:

Ryan's Catch-Up Column in Rhyming Couplet

This is a small rumor, some would say a nugget
but if it is true, I sure want to plug it.
The word is that Thor may arrive in Iron Man 2,
it wouldn't surprise me, but this may not be true.

Although not a list-topper, Anna Faris is hot,
but when it comes to this news, I could not give a squat.
Ms. Faris will take over where Goldie Hawn has been,
by taking the lead in the new Private Benjamin.

Leonardo DiCaprio may decide to go FBI,
under the direction of another old guy.
This J Edgar Hoover bio will likely be good,
marking a change for Clint Eastwood.

Some remakes are obviously "dead pictures walking"
none are more so than Look Who's Talking.
If the producers would just hold up an iota,
given his choices, they might again score Travolta.

I can't say I know who Sebastian Stan is,
but his agent must be some kind of wiz.
He almost got cast as Captain America, which was lucky,
but was ultimately chosen to be his sidekick, Bucky.

Speaking of Cap, here's some more casting news,
one that will surely make some of you blue.
Cap's girl will be played by someone who's hot,
but one thing I know, Emily Blunt it is NOT.

Although the second one gave me the opposite of pleasure,
it looks like there'll be a third National Treasure.
The movie is supposedly already being penned,
and a nation awaits, to get screwed again.

We're going to see Thor sooner than I thought,
as starting May 5th, we'll see production shots.
Hopefully the images don't make us feel doom.
So much will come down to that silly costume.

George Lucas is back and at it once more,
with another Star Wars project for fans to endure.
He's finally giving fans the thing for which we waited!
A Star Wars TV sitcom that's animated?!?!?!?!

Red Sonja is stuck, in development Hades,
sad news for fans of sword-wielding ladies.
But rumor has it producers are removing these blocks,
and have offered the role to the vapid Megan Fox.

Harrison Ford may be back in the saddle,
helping cowboys against aliens battle!
Starring Daniel Craig, directed by Jon Favreau,
written by "Lost" writers, to Cowboys and Aliens I'll go!!!

That's the best recap I can do in the time and space allowed, folks. I promise not to leave you again for that long...at least not for awhile. Happy Tuesday, I'll be back with "Lost" thoughts shortly.

Movie Review: Shutter Island

Here's Ben's take on Shutter Island. He was the lucky bastard who got to review Scorsese's latest. I'd say more, but I think that's what we paid Ben for.

Shock Treatment
Island life is chilling for DiCaprio
Ben Coffman

Martin Scorsese is a director who can do whatever he likes—a three-hour William Hung biopic? It’s his, if he wants it. In Hollywood, his name is synonymous with quality filmmaking and, nowadays, cold, hard, delicious cash. His newest film Shutter Island is a genre flick, to be sure (its closest analog in Scorsese’s 20-some film canon is likely 1991’s Cape Fear), but it’s a psychological thriller on steroids—creepy, horrifying steroids.

The year is 1954, and Leonardo DiCaprio plays Teddy Daniels, a U.S. marshal assigned to investigate the disappearance of a woman from an Alcatraz-style insane asylum in Boston Harbor. When we first meet Daniels, a rough ferry ride has left him green around the gills. A storm is brewing, but DiCaprio’s grimacing and chain smoking hints at something more than stomach-turning sea sickness. He is a haunted man, still bothered by his memories of World War II, including the liberation of Dachau. Did I mention that his wife also recently died?

With arguably the worst cigarette-smoke-and-dry-heave breath in cinematic history, he meets his new partner, fellow marshal Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo). Together, they disembark from the ferry and embark on a nightmarish journey that involves all things creepy: dark and stormy weather, insane asylums with chained murderers, creaky doors, mice, and hallucinations featuring little dead girls.

In Shutter Island, Scorsese cut the genre’s fat, leaving only the best aspects of the psychological thriller—gripping tension, a moody tone and chilling discoveries. The film touches a lot of bases, starting out as a mystery with some supernatural and even horror overtones before it evolves fully into a nuanced thriller. To get there, Scorsese explores new territory, creating eerie, dreamlike sequences reminiscent of David Lynch or Tarsem Singh’s The Cell.

Despite a shift in genre, Scorsese’s use of DiCaprio in the lead role, the pair’s fourth collaboration in the past 8 years, isn’t surprising. Although at first blush, the baby-faced actor doesn’t look the role of a grizzled war veteran and federal agent, with the help of stooped shoulders and the ability to seemingly break into a cold sweat on cue, DiCaprio fully owns his character.

Screenwriter Laeta Kalogridis’s adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s novel includes all of the necessary twists, but it is Scorsese’s surreal, trippy vision of his lead character’s psychological hell that gives the film its nightmarish qualities. In a month in which theaters are traditionally dominated by last year's Oscar nominees and this year's soon-to-be-forgotten flicks, Shutter Island is a pleasant surprise.

Grade: A-

Least joy-inspiring viking since Brett Favre?

I hate Brett Favre. I'm a Bears fan, so he's given me multiple reasons to hate him, beyond his rampant douchebaggery, which should really inspire the ire of any and all who hear of him. This really could go on to a full, one billion word epic rant on how much I loathe and despise the basterdly bastard, but here's my pictorial demonstration of that rant:

And I'm done. I bring all of this up, not because Favre is making a triumphant return to the stage but because of clever wordplay. See, Variety is reporting that Leonardo DiCaprio is starring in an untitled Viking movie. While this likely isn't the cinematic retelling of the Minnesota football team's repeated, repeated, repeated, repeated attempts to win a super bowl while failing, but I can't be sure. Oh, did I mention that Mel Gibson is directing? Because he is. Also, the film is written by William Monaghan, who also wrote The Departed....so maybe DiCaprio will get to say "What do you want them to do? Chop me up and feed me to the poor?" again. It would work in a viking context. I know DiCaprio is a talented actor, and I'm not doubting his abilities, but...if you buy that dude as a warrior, you probably also buy that Favre was seriously considering his options during the summer and not weaseling out of training camp. It all comes back to my seething hatred of that man, doesn't it?

Reese Witherspoon and I shared a moment whether she remembers or not

The year: 1998(ish). The place: Barnes and Noble at Omaha's Crossroads Mall. The scene: A young blond (this one)



is inconspicuously walking through the store, with large sunglasses and her head down. Unfortunately for her, I was one of the seven people in the world who had watched the movie Freeway, a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, set in a trailer park world with a serial killer (played by Kiefer "Hide yer Christmas trees" Sutherland) terrorizing a girl who very much looks like said blond above. In that second, I realize "Great ga-shmoigity! That IS the girl from Freeway! THAT'S REESE WITHERSPOON!" She was a star on the rise! She starred against friggin' Marky Mark in the perpetually-playing-on-cable-TV-nonclassic Fear! I HAD JUST SEEN ALL OF HER GOODIES IN THE PAUL NEWMAN MOVIE TWILIGHT (no, not that version of Twilight, although, for the record, reanimating Newman's corpse is the only way to get me interested). What could I do?! What SHOULD I do? I did what everyone in the world would have wanted, NAY demanded if they knew me at all. I walked away without saying a word. Fastforward five minutes, I'm taking out some trash at the behest of my boss...when I pretty much run directly into her. Yowza. What do I say, trash in hand, stupidity ready to flow? "I loved you in Freeway." Her response, "Thanks." Not "Oh my God, did you really just compliment me on a role where I played a crazy white-trash version of Little Red Riding Hood, where I curse like a sailor? In a film that all but went straight-to-video?!" Just "thanks." That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Reese Witherspoon is a classy lady. She told the garbage-totin', barely coherent, Freeway watchin' yokel, "thanks."

Oh, yeah, what was my point...Oh, Variety is reporting that Leonardo DiCaprio's production company is pursuing a "gothic" version of Little Red Riding Hood that keeps the creepy ending and whatnot. It will likely feature some shitty CGI wolf and a score by Danny Elfman. Let's start the Tim Burton rumors right now. Hell, Depp would be perfect as Little Red Riding Hood. No matter what they do, they won't come close to matching the twisted perfection of this (NSFW if your boss can hear your speakers):



This is the performance I complimented her on.

In my personal Twilight Zone, it's William Shatner on the plane wing

How it has taken this long, I'll never know, but the sleepless news robots at Variety have informed me (and now, as of this post, the whole world) that WB and Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way production company (remind me that some day soon I want to do a blurb on all the stupid-ass production company names out there...perhaps with the stupid-ass logos should I feel so inclined and ambitious) are making a new Twilight Zone movie, and have signed writer Rand Ravich, whose name sounds like a made-up villain in a 1980s Sylvester Stallone movie. The terse release from Variety describes the "Twilight Zone" TV series as having "melded fantasy, science-fiction, and horror elements," but we all know it was so much more than that. It gave credibility to the trio of genres, taking them directly into the mainstream and producing many insanely good half-hours of TV ever made (who cares if several of them sent me into such a terrified state that I now tinkle at the sight of almost every wide-eyed dollie). That said, the idea of having the guy who directed The Astronaut's Wife write the script isn't instilling a huge deal of confidence in me. If they were smart, they wouldn't rely on one guy writing the whole thing and they wouldn't remake classic episodes from the series, mash them up into one barely digestible lump, and call it a movie. They would make either (A) an anthology series, giving themselves a brand name to hang on various genre projects (for example, Twilight Zone: Don't Go In The Closet With That Dollie) or (B) have different (and preferably talented) filmmakers contribute short segments (you know damn well Del Toro is in, but you may get a Michael Gondry or a Martin Scorsese...just imagine the directors you could get to play with a short film like that, maybe people who aren't familiar with the genres, like an Alexander Payne, who has already done some vignette work on film...I'm just rambling now, but I so rarely have good ideas that I want to enjoy this one). What I like is that this doesn't feel dirty (so long as they don't just recycle ideas from the original show), and if they use my wonderful, brilliant ideas above, could be a modern gateway for these genres. Sure, sci-fi and fantasy have gotten big boosts in respect lately (what with LOTR winning Oscar), but horror could use a good kick in the pants. So, what I'm saying is, on the Remake Reaction Scale (where a 1 is "you motherhumpers, I'll kill you, so help me God, I'll kill you" and a 10 is, "You know what, I'm okay with this, you can stop the lithium feed, Doctor"), this one scores an 8!