Weekly Round-Up

So what did we learn this week?

We learned that there may be Gremlins a'rumblin'.
We learned that 2009 was a good year.
We learned that Tuesday cannot get here fast enough.
We learned that this past Tuesday had tidbits.
We learned that George Lucas has a secret.
We learned that there are still things to buy me.
We learned that my junk has staying power.

Not bad work. Not bad at all. Stay safe. Have a great weekend. See you Monday!!!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee. I wonder what will win this weekend? Why, could it be Avatar, the movie that is quickly fostering hate inside of my belly like a piece of wire accidentally ingested by a cow? Months ago, when I saw the film, I thought it was a fun piece of pop candy. I didn't have it pegged for all-time box office domination, so I didn't mind it. Now that it's no longer Avatar but AVATAR!!! I kind of hate it. It may not be fair, but fair is for wussies. With that, I give you my unnecessarily hate-filled, Avatar-topping forecast for the weekend box office.

Here are the predictions (haiku style).

1.) Avatar - $28 million

ENOUGH ALREADY
You now have all the records.
Please feel free to leave.

2.) Edge of Darkness - $24 million

Mel Gibson is back!
He served his time in limbo.
Sugar tits is back!

3.) The Book of Eli - $9 million

Slouching towards a hit
thanks to a lack of options.
January sucked.

4.) When in Rome - $8.5 million

Darling Kristen Bell
why would you make this movie?
I mean, Josh Duhamel?

5.) Legion - $8 million

Nice total last week
Time for you to slip away
We won't remember

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $7 million

Shame on you, The Rock.
Shame on you a thousand times.
Fame is done with you.

Along came Polley

Sarah Polley starred in Go, one of the best underrated films of all time for my money, but you probably know her from the Dawn of the Dead remake. She looks like this.
Really, that's all irrelevant, because she's a director now. Ya-boo! As you may be aware, females can, in fact, be directors, a fact that Hollywood is slowly realizing after a short century. Whenever a promising young female talent comes up behind the camera, I want to promote that extensively to remind studios that said cameras aren't operated by use of the dingus. So let's all get the excitement rolling for Take This Waltz, which sounds damn good. It's about a woman who has lotsa affairs and realizes she's addicted to the honeymoon phase of relationships. The script was on the black list (the list of hot scripts no one has made into movies yet), and the movie will star this guy:
This awesome girl (Michelle Williams)
And supposedly one more "star to be named later" to round out the cast. It's unknown whether Rogen will play the hubbie that gets cheated on or the guy doing the cheating. All that's known is that Williams will be forced to pretend to want Seth Rogen (I kid). Williams has quietly turned into a bad-ass actress, and I'm excited to see this combination of great script, promising young (FEMALE!) director, and talented young actors. Why, it's almost as though quality is enough of a reason to be excited for a film beyond hype and shenanigans (oh, how I loathe shenanigans).

Bobin to the Muppets

When it comes to opening theme songs, there's "The Muppet Show" and then there's everybody else.

Wow. Quasi-orgasmic. That just got me excited for John Cleese. JOHN CLEESE. No one has been excited for John Cleese in almost 2 decades, so that's impressive. I'm seriously contemplating some adaptation of this for my funeral. Anyhoodle, the news associated with this post is that Vulture is reporting the co-creator of "Flight of the Concords," James Bobin, has been offered the right of first refusal on directing the upcoming, Jason Segal-scripted, big-screen Muppet return. I don't yet know what comical misadventures our fuzzy friends will be engaged in, but I do know that I am so stupid excited for this that I am practically meeping like Beeker. Bobin has a relationship with Judd Apatow, as does Segal, which bodes well for the type of comedy we'll be getting. Then again, that was kind of to be expected given the nostalgia factor expressed by Segal in almost every interview. I don't think the studio realizes what kind of phenomenon they can have on their hands if they play things right. Between people from my age group (let's call that the 25+ group...just to be living in denial) and the market for children (the flippin' Squeakquel did north of 200 milly), this could be a well-timed cultural supernova. Watch out Avatar! I'm sicking Gonzo on your ass!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey everybody, it's Thursday, which means your wait to see my junk is finally at an end! Weekly explanation: My junk refers to movie news tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire story. It's also just an excuse to make jokes about genitalia, as in: "Everyone should see my junk, it's really spectacular this week...it will likely get you pregnant." Okay, that last part didn't work, but I was thinking about "30 Rock," so I wanted to talk about getting something pregnant. Another weekly game we play is to examine the image above from Highlights Magazine for Children (it didn't specify, but I believe the creepy image above suggests it's actually "Highlights Magazine for Sociopathic Children"). We look at it, pick an item, and make up some chilling and weird story about it...you know, for funsies. Today's item is the game token (looks like a quarter) in the middle. Sam grew up loving arcade games and dreaming of a world just like The Last Starfighter, where he would be whisked away to another space universe and heralded as their champion for his unmatched skill in playing "Space Swords." After spending almost all of his allowance, then half his paycheck, then everything but his alimony payments, Sam finally gave up, tossing his last token in the junk drawer. Sadly, had he played that last game, Gleepglorp from the planet Schlubby would have flown down and retrieved him so that he could help overthrow the evil overlord that was keeping the good people of planet Schlubby enslaved. Oh well!

Here's this week's junk, exposed for all to see.

1.) Mel Gibson is back with Black - Shane Black is directing Cold Warrior, a movie about a Cold War spy who unretires to save the world with a young, nubile co-agent (I may have added the nubile part), featuring Mel Gibson (as the non-nubile one). That was a really long linked sentence. Anyway, this is cool because Black directed Gibson in Lethal Weapon, you remember, back when Mel Gibson was "Action-star Mel Gibson" and not "Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson," which is actually a way cooler nickname. Despite the fact that Black did not write the script, it is his first directorial effort since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which would probably make my top 10 favorite movies ever. Seriously. Here's a clip from it.



As far as who will play the agent who helps Mel's formally retired Cold War spy, it's the usual list of Shias and Ashtons, but I'm holding out hope for Ryan Gosling, who I believe still makes movies but am no longer sure.

2.) Avengers assembled! - In a sure sign that we're headed towards the moment we've all been waiting for (and be "we all" I mean me), Kevin Feige confirmed the lineup for the Avengers movie. According to Feige (which I believe is pronounced like "beige" but I wish was pronounced like "fig") "…its three people, four including Hulk , five including Nick Fury - who you have seen before in other movies, coming together for the very first time." To give you a visual indication, it's the following:

Plus Sam Jackson, lookin' all "patchy." This is good. This doesn't mean that we may not see Hawkeye or the Wasp in a cameo, but I actually think keeping the roster low is a great idea. Not only will it help with believability (barring the Norse God and all), but it helps keep characterization possible, which is nice. More than any other comic book movie, I'm looking forward to this one.

3.) We have a late entry for "Worst Idea Ever" - Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore are making a movie together...a movie called LOL. That sentence should be enough to make most people cry blood and vomit their dreams up. If you had a loved one kill themselves after reading that sentence, I apologize but comfort yourself in knowing that they won't ever live in a world where Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore HAVE made a movie together. The description of the film doesn't do any favors either, so if you're on the suicide fence after what I said earlier, look away. According to Variety, "The pic tells the story of a 15-year-old girl who, dumped by her more sexually experienced boyfriend, sets her sights on his best friend. At the same time, her 40-year-old divorcee mother is struggling to move on with her life. The fraught relationship between mother and daughter provides the film with its narrative backbone, along with the younger generation's obsession with instant messaging." Yep, it's all the fun of text-message conversation combined with Miley "how am I an oversexualized object when I starred in a Disney show and have teeth that would make Mr. Ed shy away" Cyrus and Demi "I'm more robot than woman at this point" Moore. It's based on a foreign film. And by foreign, I can only assume they mean forged in hell. If you make me angry, I will find a way to make you see this.

4.) Knockout's title is seeming more and more apropos - Bill Paxton is replacing Dennis Quaid and Antonio Banderas is joining Channing Tatum, Gina Carano, Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, and Michael Fassbender in Steven Soderbergh's Knockout, a film that sounds like "Alias." On the one hand, the cast is suspiciously interesting. On the other, it kind of sounds like the cast to Vantage Point. I do think that if you can trade a Quaid for a Paxton, it's a good swap (like trading a Kutcher for a Gosling). Plus the script is by Lem Dobbs, who wrote The Limey, which is a great movie nobody saw. I'm cautiously optimistic about this one, but it will probably dovetail into out-and-out nausea when Carano, the former American Gladiator, opens her pie hole in the trailer. Oooh, maybe the script makes her mute?! If not, I suggest a late-hour rewrite, because if everyone else talked and she just kicked people in the dome, I'd be totally pumped. Also, Antonio Banderas needs this to reignite his career so he can get out of the house. Seriously, have you SEEN Melanie Griffith lately? Woah.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Not a big week for trailers...again. So I had to dive deep into my bag of weird shit to find anything fun. What do I have for you? Well, first up is Mother, a Korean film by the director of The Host, which was really quite good. This one does not feature a tentacled beast, or at least I don't think so...



Repo Chick is a spiritual sequel to Repo Man, which starred Emilio Estevez, whose name I don't think I've ever mentioned in this blog (huzzah for a new mention!). This looks like it was made for a buck fifty, reminds me of Tank Girl (which I liked), and seems to be a giant acid trip filmed in front of a green screen. I may see it just to get a legal high.



Cyrus features John C Reilly, Jonah Hill, and the still EXCRUCIATINGLY hot Marissa Tomei (eat it, Demi, she's all natural). I love so much about this trailer, from Reilly's brutal honesty "I'm like Shrek" to Hill's apparent psychosis. PS - I love living in a world where Jonah Hill gets to be famous. That rules.






Okay, that's it. Really epic junk this week, I know. Pass it on to your friends, I'm sure your friends would also like my junk.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 18)

I just realized that we're going to have some kind of "column" type feature every day of the week starting next week! That's kind of cool, right? Monday will be Weekend Box Office Results (Haiku Style), Tuesday will be Lost Predictions (I need a better title for that one), Wednesday will be both Lost Reactions (again, better title needed) AND Things You Should Buy Me, Thursday is Ryan's Junk Drawer, and Friday is Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions. Lord do I suddenly have an organization boner. That's just so regimented and orderly that I can barely stand it! Speaking of things I can't stand, I'm actively trying to get Roadside Attractions, who have been AWESOME in the past, to send me a screener of Mystery Team so I can get a review up prior to the DVD release. You know, it's not like me to beg (ahem), but I desperately "want to go to there."



For as much as my loved ones have, over the holiday season, done exactly what this here column asks them to do (namely, buy me things), I would love to shift into "Things You Should Comp Me Because I Will Promote the Shit Out of Them." Which is more of where I'm coming from with this week's entries:

1.) Say "Bonjorno" to the best action figure ever - Slashfilm.com has an awesomely detailed look at the first action figure I've hungered for in a few years. Hot Toys is debuting this beauty, at 1/6 accurate scale, and it has all sorts of interchangeable gadgets and gizmos. Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you: Lt. Aldo Raines.
I know, it's crazy. It comes with all of this:
Seriously, I know that I'm too old to play with toys, but this isn't a toy. This is a miniaturized Nazi-killin' machine. That detail?! Those knives?! Those guns?! The ability to walk around going "Grazi" and "I WANT MY SCALPS" while fidgeting with a teeny tiny Brad Pitt?! I know the retail will probably be about $200 bucks but...I would be willing to keep it for free.

2.) The ultimate nerd/horror buff Valentine's day - Okay, so Valentine's day is mostly designed for loveless older couples and teenagers who need an excuse to get their horny on. It's a dumb-ass holiday that serves no purpose and I love to mock it. That said, the following gifts from ThinkGeek are the only way to keep the stupid-ass non-holiday (noniday) cool. How's about a gummy heart that bleeds when you bite into it?

See, you devour it?!

Nothing says love like THIS kind of candy! Not for you? Well, do you prefer the affections of a many-tentacled demonic creation? Then I have the air aroma for you! It's the Malignant Dreams of Cthulu in Love scent for your incense burning thingie!
Nothing says love like the sweet embrace of a Lovecraftian monster. And nothing better captures that feeling than the fragrance above. This is genius.

3.) This is funny, I don't care that it's shallow - I know this is simplistic, but you have to admit you laughed.
Get it? It's the Beatles. Get it? Whatever, it's funny.

That's it for today, gang. I'll do better tomorrow when I get to show off my junk.

No mo Lobo

Nobody really needed a movie about Lobo, a comic book character created I can only assume on some kind of dare. The one-note figure went around doing dumb shit and saying words like "bastiches," which made people laugh because it sounded like bastards (teeheehee). So, count me one of the many who could care less that LAT’s Hero Complex blog's chat with producer Joel Silver seems to suggest that Guy Ritchie is bailing on Lobo for a return to Sherlock's village. Sherlock has done great business (should cross $200 million domestically and $400 million worldwide shortly) while operating under the shadow of Avatar, which HAD to be taking some of the audience away. With rumors flying that Moriarty will make his nefarious rise in the next flick, and with many rumors suggesting Brad Pitt has been (or will be) offered the plot, bringing Ritchie (who has a relationship with Pitt) back to the film may be a great idea. Since I mentioned Brad Pitt, this is also a good time to point out that I don't care if he and Angelina Jolie have split up or not. Although I applaud her humanitarian work and have sometimes accidentally enjoyed her movies, she seems to be a psychotic who not-so-long-ago used to drink Billy Bob Thornton's blood. Now, if she's paying down international deficits and helping poor people live, I'll forgive her the whole batshit crazy making-out-with-her-brother thing, but I draw the line at giving a squishy tomato about her personal life. Besides, I have a feeling they'll both be fine. Rich and fine. Rich, attractive, and fine. So, moral of the story: Guy Ritchie is likely doing Sherlock Holmes 2: The Case of Watson's Lube, Brad Pitt should play Moriarty because that would effing rule, and we've all forgotten that Angelina Jolie is the lunatic spawn of Jon Voight.

George Lucas is a big ole faerie

In a move I think I can safely say that none of us saw coming, THR is reporting that George Lucas is working on a "top-secret, untitled, CGI-animated film" that just happens to be a musical about faeries.

I. Shit. You. Not.

Faeries.

Now, we don't know if we're talking Tinkerbell or something more Shakesperean or Gaiman-ian, but we do know that it will include "a variety of different kinds of music." I'm assuming these will include, but will not be limited to, music from the genres Terrible, Awful, Horrendous, and OMFG It's a Musical About Faeries From George Lucas. David Berenbaum, who wrote Elf, is writing and Kevin Munroe is directing. And it's a musical about faeries...from George Lucas. If you go back in time and tell the little version of me who just watched Empire Strikes Back that the guy behind that world is going to make a glorified cartoon faerie musical, you will get to watch innocence die. "But...but why?" the young and not yet jaded by life version of me will ask. "Why would Mr. Lucas do that?" Because somewhere along the line, he decided to hate all that is good. I seriously don't know what this world is coming to but it makes me mad enough to want to dress George Lucas in some ridiculous racing outfit and hire NBA superstar-turned-announcer John Salley to hoist him in the air while copping a weird feel.
See, now that's power, bitches.

Tuesday tidbits

Don't be fooled, this is not my Junk Drawer. That comes on Thursday, dammit. This is just me taking too much time opining and theorizing about "Lost" to give the following things my full attention. I now give you assorted ridiculousness to catch me up today.

• DeNiro isn't going to let declining talent stop him from making a ton of suck movies. According to Nikki Finke, who a lot of people on the Internet seem to hate, just dropped the knowledge that DeNiro will star in (A) Selma, the new film from Precious director Lee Daniels, about the desegregation campaigns in the South...DeNiro will play George Wallace (not a bad idea, Bobby); (B) Another Night in Suck City, which (besides being appropriately titled for DeNiro's career) sounds promising, as it follows the book "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City," which contained the memoirs of Nick Flynn's time in a homeless shelter, and (C) A Midnight Run sequel. There it is! You just knew that there would be something terrible mixed in there, right? I should have put it in the middle so it was a turd sandwich. Oh well, two out of three ain't bad...until DeNiro makes them and they suck.
  
  
• The Hurt Locker won the Producers Guild Award, officially making the Oscars a 3 horse race (Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds). The noms will be released Feb 2, which is "Lost" day. That day is going to flippin' RULE.

• This is concept art from Cars 2. As much as I trust Pixar, I could give a wet sparrow fart about this project. The first one left me colder and deader inside than a GOP senator discussing poor people. Anyway, here's a shot that shows them in Japan. Yay.

• Latino Review is suggesting that Sam Worthington may play Dracula in a movie called Dracula Year Zero, which would only be dumber if it were titled Dracula Origins: Year Zero. I haven't surrendered into fully hating Worthington yet, but I'm working on it. He sucked so firmly in Avatar and Terminator: Salvation, but he also is in Clash of the Titans. If I hate him in that, he can't possibly redeem himself. Also, he's 4 feet tall. I saw him on the Golden Globes and I thought he had been digitally shrunk. Also, he's not dracula. Gary Oldman is. See:

Okay, that's it for today gang. See you Tomorrow!

T-Minus 7 days until my life is whole again

"Lost" is ending. I'll give you a second to wedge a Popsicle stick in your mouth to bite down on.

Okay, feel better? This impending conclusion makes many of my fellow Losties sad enough to stream crocodile tears down their incredibly beautiful faces (did I not mention that loving "Lost" instantly makes you insanely good looking? Because it does). For me, the ending is welcomed, even if it is a little bit depressing. I'm a fan of ends, which is the reason why "The Tempest" is probably my favorite Shakespeare play, why I still revere Sir Mixx A Lott as an incredible humanitarian, and why I can watch the final quarter, half, or inning of any sporting event even if I don't care about the teams (notice I didn't say "period," because sports that have period can end in a 0-0 tie, which is like not ending at all). The end is the point, right? I know that the journey is where all of the fun comes in, that you can love the shit out of a show and hate the ending (I'm looking at you "Battlestar Galactica"... and you, Andrew "As your best friend, I feel it is my duty to crap on your pleasant indifference on the ending of that show until you hate it as much as I do" Merczak). But, really, the end matters more than the rest of it because it's the destination we've been working towards for six damn years. Hell, if you had a kid when the show first started, that kid is now in grade school (I wanted to say college, but that didn't sound right).

Basically, all of us Losties have been reading the same novel and we've finally reached the last few chapters. I feel a sense of accomplishment, I feel as though my patience is about to be rewarded, and I feel as though the best discussions of "Lost" are ahead of us, not behind us. Speaking of which, when I visited Chicago recently, I had a great evening with four incredible (and incredibly good-looking) people (they are, remember, "Lost" fans). We talked FOR HOURS about the ins and outs of the show, and it was just fan-freakin-tastic. Knowing that this is our "last chance" this season to do that (which I think is crap because there is no way they wrap everything up, and even if they do we then get to have the "I thought (Fill in the Blank) was awesome/a total cop out" arguments), let's engage this show as much as possible. I know that there are forums some people hang out on to discuss things. Feel free to leave comments on the weekly "Lost" Predictions (which will post Tuesday morning) and "Lost" Reactions (which will post Wednesday morning) columns that include the best of what you find elsewhere. Let's make this a repository for good ideas. I'll start with a few from my main man Doc Jensen, who is so awesome that I just want to hang out with him and down some beer and talk some whacked-out theories.

In his most recent column, Doc takes on the big stuff (after going through an interesting...but weird...divergent inclusion of a bunch of Sting's music...not my favorite side-journey you've made there, Doc). Anyway, here's what I find most interesting about his theories. These are NOT spoilers. They are guesses. Yes, they are guesses made by a smart, smart man but he has been wrong at about a ratio of 10 incorrect guesses to 1, so it's not like he has some kind of divining rod or something. Still, this is your warning, look away if you want. I'll highlight my favorite parts of his responses.

1.) What is the Island

Doc sez - "The Island is the literal manifestation of an old way of looking at the world common to all people — a world full of magic and spirits, angels and daemons. The Island used to be much bigger and occupied much more of the world's psychic geography. The Island once may have even been the whole wide world. But skepticism, cynicism, and disbelief has caused it to shrink away from our mind's eye, becoming nothing more than a slender piece of ephemeral real estate"

Okay, I love that shit. Love, love, love, love it. I think we all had this in mind, really, but it is so perfectly articulated that I love it. It explains why there's multiple religious connotations (Egyptian stuff, Christian stuff, etc), it explains the "afterworld" nature of it, and it nails almost everything it has to succinctly. Also, I'd like to point out, when it comes to magic, my favorite Arthur C Clarke quote: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Love it.

2.) What is the monster?

Doc sez it's the Man in Black (MIB). I agree.

3.) What are the numbers?

Doc sez - "The Numbers are a metaphor for our yearning for meaning amid chaos. They have no intrinsic supernatural power"

I agree. I like that those specific ones happen to be components of the crazy equation mentioned in the alternate reality game, but I kind of like this answer too.

4.) Is everyone from 815 connected?

"Remember in The Matrix, when the heroes saw the same black cat stroll past them twice in a span of seconds? It was explained that this experience of literal dejà vu was a glitch in the simulated reality of the matrix that occurred whenever the simulated had to be rebooted or updated. My theory is that the coincidences/synchronicities/serendipities in Lost are something very similar — they are proofs that reality is being tampered with."

Hell yes. This is another fantastic answer. Basically, Doc says that the connections we've seen between people are an outward sign of them being shoehorned together. That Jacob selected them and is now shepherding them to the same destiny and THAT'S why they have these coincidences. What I like about all of Jensen's predictions and theories is that they are elegantly simple today. I think he's right.

5.) What's up with the ghosts?

Doc sez they're manifestations of smokey/MIB (aside from Christian Shepherd). I'm down with that. Christian IS clearly different than the other ghosts. He seems to be sentient. Especially given the short that showed him talking to Vincent with no one else around.

6.) What's up with Jacob and MIB?

This is complicated. Here's Doc's highlights "Jacob and MIB are daemons that fulfill the functions of the Island. Jacob served the additional role of Island caretaker....

I would not assign values of ''good'' and ''evil'' to Jacob and MIB. However, I would say that perhaps both have grossly erred in their respective conspiracies because they violated a rule that is bigger than both of them: the sanctity of mankind's free will. MIB has been using people, notably Locke and Ben, to execute his/its plan. Likewise, Jacob has been using the castaways to subvert MIB's subversion. This brings us to ''The Loophole.'' When MIB spoke of wanting to find a loophole, what he meant was finding a way to make all-powerful Jacob vulnerable so he could kill him. By way of explaining exactly what I mean, let me cite another great story: Nell Gaiman's Sandman, the saga of Morpheus, the lord of dreams. In the final stages of that epic fantasy, it was revealed that much of the story involved a conspiracy by the hero's embittered sister (Desire) to get him to make a big mistake that would trigger a cosmic process that would produce his death. (I won't spoil anything more.) I think MIB tricked/forced Jacob to make a similar error, in this case, violating the holy order of respecting human free will. In trying to stop MIB, Jacob has had to meddle in human affairs to a degree that he's not permitted. (I'm thinking the conspicuous touching of select castaways was a big no-no) The consequence for his transgression is the same one that Adam and Eve received when they decided their own interests were more important than the divine rules: mortality. And so it went that an eternal entity once nigh invincible became vulnerable and killable. That said, I think Jacob knew exactly what he was doing. He broke the rules and knew he'd have to pay the price for doing so."

This is why I love this guy. Thorough. Again, I agree.

7.) How will it end?

Hands down my favorite of Doc's theories EVER, here's what he says:

"In the end, Locke will be resurrected and given eternal life and will assume Jacob's role in the Island's function. As I said two weeks ago: I predict the final scene of Lost will be a redux of the Jacob/Man In Black conversation on the beach scene from last season's finale — instead this time, it'll be John Locke in Jacob's place. As for his adversary, he'll be wearing a new identity — that of Benjamin Linus. It ends with this:

Fake Ben: Do you know how badly I want to kill you right now?

And then Locke looks at him with a knowing glint"

Anybody else just throw up? That's AWESOME, right?!

Okay, a lot to digest, I've rambled too long, but I'm getting excited. Comment away, let's get some talk going, I'm ready to finish the longest "book" I've ever read. Oh, and like I'd forget. Here's Evangeline Lilly.

Okay, I lied, there is one thing I can't live without.

Weekend Box Office Results: We're not done with Avatar yet

Well, it's (almost) official. There's little doubt that within the next 2-3 days, Avatar will be the all-time worldwide box office champ and that within 2 weeks or so it will be the all-time domestic champ. I suggest that once it has reached that mark, we strip it from each and every theater like unwanted wallpaper. I say we storm the projection booths, reclaim each print, and toss them into a fire. Not because I hate the movie, which is just okay, but because I am pretty much done ever talking about this movie ever again. And with that...let's write some poetry about it!

Here are the results from the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

There's no end in sight.
It has all of our money.
It should bail out banks.

2.) Legion - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71.5%)

This was surprising.
Y'all love angels with guns then?
Let the rip-offs start!

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Still haven't seen it.
Looks like a Blu-Ray rental.
I'm still curious.

4.) The Tooth Fairy - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 54%)

Suck on that The Rock.
That should make you stop this crap.
Make some action flicks.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Disappointing end
to a seemingly good match
of source and helmer

Overall accuracy of prediction - 83%

I'm a B student
when it comes to box office
but I will take that.

That's it for Monday. It's my wife's birthday today, so if you know Abbie at all, give her some love!

Let's get discussin' - The Top 10 (and worst 5) Films of 2009

I know we waited, but it was for a good reason. We had to be sure that we had seen as many films that were considered 2009 releases but trickled into Omaha either in early 2010 or after our holiday-induced publishing freeze. Thus, what you see before you is the best that we could do. We didn't see absolutely everything, but together we damn near did. I would also like to point out that the hardest call I made came down to Up in the Air, which I really, really did like. Ultimately, I had such a problem with the final act that it found itself in the undesirable number 11 spot. I mention this because Omaha is slightly obsessed with the film, and because it appears as though the film will get some Oscar love (though it is now no longer a front runner with Avatar, Inglourious Basterds, and The Hurt Locker heating up). Anyway, enough preamble, I'm posting this here to invite conversation and discussion. When I posted the top 10 of the decade, I heard from but one person (a person who I chose to ignore because I'm related to him and he suggested Bee Movie in jest...you don't joke like that in this neck of the woods). I want more discussion. I know you have opinions! You have to think I'm an idiot for putting X film in front of Y film on this list or excluding X film in favor of Y film (man, X is dominating in my analogy). Anyway, peruse the following and let me know what you think.

About Last Year
The best and worst films of 2009

Pretentious writers who glorify films of yesteryear to lord their false sense of superiority over younger generations can suck it: 2009 was one of the all-time great years for movies. Over the last 12 months, a bevy of mainstream films studied hard and brought home a report card so decorated with one vowel that it should be proudly hung on the cultural fridge as proof that our best days aren’t necessarily behind us. Heck, even 2009’s missteps went full tilt; they weren’t merely bad, they were racist and evil. So if you hear someone kvetching about “the state of movies these days,” smack them upside the head with the following lists.

The 5 Worst Movies of 2009

5.) Pirate Radio – Once more proving that there’s nothing fun about watching people listen to the radio, writer/director Richard Curtis’s cinematic Ambien pill earned its spot through sheer hubris.

4.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Hugh Jackman’s first signs of following the Harrison Ford path to career exile, this abomination was seemingly just a pastiche of studio notes and X-Men characters as interpreted by sociopaths.

3.) Terminator: Salvation – Director McG managed to McFail worse than anyone thought possible. With volcanic crater–sized plot holes and flat-out hilariously bad acting, the only legacy this leaves is Christian Bale’s vulgarity-laced tirade.

2.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen – In any other year, Michael Bay’s opus to sexism and fire would have used its Stepin Fetchit minor characters to evil its way to first place. Better luck next time, Mikey.

1.) Year One – The first comedy in history without a single laugh, this film wiped out all of director Harold Ramis’s previous accomplishments along with all remaining goodwill for Jack Black and Michael Cera. This may be the first movie that absolutely no human has ever liked.

The 10 Best Movies of 2009

10.) The Princess and the Frog – Beyond Disney finally notching its first truly non-troubling minority character, this 2D throwback is a 3-ton nostalgia bomb for adults and a blissfully entertaining masterwork for children. With a moral lesson that thankfully extends beyond “girls and boys should get married,” the film rides a wave of jazz music and clever, appropriate humor all the way to the Disney hall of fame.

9.) Star Trek – Call Pat Robertson, because director JJ Abrams and writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman must have signed a Satan-spawned contract. How else could they have delivered satisfaction to both die-hard Trekkies and newcomers? Beyond crafting a gold standard for remakes/reboots, the trio gave unto audiences the most flat-out entertaining film of the year.

8.) Watchmen – Only a passionate devotee like Zack Snyder would undertake a project he knew could only serve to piss off fervent followers of the source material and alienate the uninitiated. He did it because he felt he had to…and thank God he did. Hyper-faithful with one notable (and forgivable) exception, Snyder deserves far more praise than punishment for this loyal love letter.

7.) The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus – Muted reactions be damned, this fantastic fable is more than just the last film from Heath Ledger; it’s the first truly good film from director Terry Gilliam in ages. Ridiculous and playful images join with wickedly delightful performances in a largely flawless endeavor that presents imagination as salvation.

6.) Up – If you made it through the first 10 minutes without crying, it’s sad that you’ve never felt love. Arguably the finest feather in Pixar’s insanely finely feathered cap, it is every bit as hilarious and eye-catching as it is tender and sweet. When an animated film makes you reconsider aspects of how you behave as a person, it belongs in the year’s top 10.

5.) Moon – Director Duncan Jones didn’t have to wait long to be known as more than David Bowie’s son. It only took his first full-length film, a wholly original sci-fi rumination on identity and life, to prove his visual prowess. Leading man Sam Rockwell’s finest performance may go unrewarded, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the year’s best.

4.) Where the Wild Things Are – The most emotionally affective and effective flick this year, director Spike Jonze and writer Dave Eggers turned a microscopically short kid’s book into a tour-de-force fantasy exploration into how childhood truly feels. Pitch perfect in its blend of magic and terror, this may be the first-ever children’s movie for adults.

3.) The Hurt Locker – A movie that should only be watched while in chairs with soft armrests for gripping, this white-knuckle war tale forgoes politics in favor of sheer intensity. Director Kathryn Bigelow, who damn well better win an Oscar, is merciless, piling tension on tension relentlessly. Jeremy Renner, who deserves more than his currently allotted fame, helps elevate this from cliché to crackerjack.

2.) Inglourious Basterds – Sad but true: Quentin Tarantino may never make another film as good as this one. The culmination of a career based on quirk and dialogue, his meta-cinematic revenge fable improves with each viewing, as does Christoph Waltz’s perfect performance and the sheer entertainment value. In truth, this has as much right to the top of this list as the owner of that spot.

1.) District 9 – Originality is a commodity rarer than crude oil, which is why writer/director Neill Blomkamp’s freshman effort won 2009. His blend of sci-fi, documentary, comedy, and horror is an absolutely, unequivocal masterpiece. Socially significant and visually exhilarating, this one is the rebuff to “they don’t make films like that anymore.”

Hey, don’t take my word for how great this year was. Here are two other perspectives from Reader writers on the brilliance of 2009.

Justin Senkbile’s Top 5 Movies of 2009

5.) The Fantastic Mr. Fox - Since when does a director's most commercial film end up being his best? Drenched in detail and digging deeper into family complexities, Wes Anderson's latest is, above all, amazingly fun.

4.) Up in the Air - Balancing deep-rooted melancholy with a lighter-than-air comedic touch is no easy feat, and it's the secret ingredient in Jason Reitman's third feature.

3.) Ballast - Lance Hammer's grey, drizzly Mississippi Delta drama is one of the most mesmerizing family stories in recent memory and a startlingly authentic slice of modern American life on the fringes.

2.) The Hurt Locker - Almost physically exhausting in its intensity, Kathryn Bigelow's film could likely be remembered as the definitive Iraq war picture.

1.) Goodbye Solo - Every element in this deceptively simple movie blends together quietly, amounting to an unexpectedly powerful ending, and another example of how good small American films can be.

Ben Coffman’s Top 5 Movies of 2009

5.) District 9 – Thanks to lead actor Sharlto Copley’s expressive (and hilarious) face, as well as director Neill Blomkamp’s vision, we have a slightly goofy documentary that morphed into the best sci-fi flick of the year.

4.) Inglourious Basterds – Tarantino re-writes the Nazi occupation of France, perfecting the Mexican stand-off in the process—an instant classic.

3.) In the Loop – Bumbling government policy makers and war do mix, as evidenced by the best comedy of the year. Sorry, The Hangover.

2.) Tetro – Although some critics dismissed Tetro as bombastic, Coppola dug deep and mined his personal background to create a beautifully filmed drama shot in high-contrast black-and-white Buenos Aires.

1.) The Road – This movie was too haunting to miss the top spot. From its grim plot to its skinny, ragged cast, including the anorexic Viggo Mortensen, John Hillcoat’s follow-up to The Proposition delivered horror-movie tension rounded out with the tiniest hiccup of hope.

As a staunch defender of Gremlins 2, I protest!!

MarketSaw is says they're thinking about making Gremlins 3...in 3D no less, which is where MarketSaw comes in, because they go full-retard for 3D. Sure, 3D is heating up now, but it's kind of like having a blog dedicated entirely to movie news about only films featuring Steve Buscemi; it's cool, but kind of weirdly limited. I kid because they're so big they could crush me. Also, They also aren't exactly 100% reliable, but neither am I, so there you go. Personally, I have only about a 50% problem with this.

• 10% of that concern is about the writer/director team (this goes away if they hire any of the following in any of the roles: Guillermo Del Toro, Quentin Tarantino, Joe Dante, Sam Raimi, or Edgar Wright).
• 10% of that concern is about the cast (if the film is populated by CW's insipid hunks and sluts, I'm out).
• 10% of that concern is about the effects used (if they go halfsies on digital and practical gremlins, I'm Fonzie with it...if they go all CGI, I'm pissed off like a bear...I'm Fozzie with it).
• 10% of that concern is with the tone (it's a horror comedy, not just a straight-up comedy...although I liked Gremlins 2, so sue me).
• 10% of that concern is with the title (if it's just Gremlins 3D, I'm going to be disappointed. Howsabout Gremlins (No, not the cars)?)

So, as you can see, my hesitation is scientific. With the right people, the right cast, the right idea, I'm in. Until then, I may just rewatch the criminally unloved Gremlins 2. Enjoy some now.

Weekly Round-Up

What have we learned this week?

We learned that facial hair speaks volumes.
We learned that old news repeats itself.
We learned that my hopes for Spidey are dwindling.
We learned that I'm still greedy.
We learned that my junk is here to stay.

That's not bad for one week. Have a great weekend, kiddos. See you Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Nobody will admit it, but I'm terrified that Avatar WON'T be number one this week. Oh, it's not because I love discussing a phenomenon or that I'm worried about James Cameron's fragile ego. It's because if Avatar isn't number one, then The Tooth Fairy will be. It has all the hallmarks of the "surprise" Disney hits like The Pacifier and The Game Plan and The Bad Touch (okay, I made that last one up, but it's how those movies make me feel). I am praying that the world realizes that children who see The Tooth Fairy grow up to be serial killers when they're older. Also opening this week is Legion, which I still want to see even if I know it will be bad for me. It's kind of like Taco Bell, I know this is going to burn me on the inside, but I'm drawn to the taste. Then there's Extraordinary Measures, which is trying to capitalize on the optimism and kind story that catapulted The Blind Side, only this stars Brendon Fraser and a not-even-trying-anymore Harrison Ford. Yeah, that's right Brendon Fraser, I just compared you to Sandra Bullock in a negative way. You have less talent than Sandra Bullock. That's gotta hurt. As for Mr. Ford, surely he doesn't NEED to work, so I think he should stop. Retire, dude. Go find Sean Connery on a beach somewhere. Sean Connery is still alive, right? I don't want to be insensitive. Anyway, here's how I see this week going, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $34 million

There's no more question
This film will beat Titanic.
If only I cared.

2.) The Tooth Fairy - $22 million

Why, Mr. The Rock?
Why would you do this to us?
Did someone hurt you?

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million

A solid effort.
The box office, not the film.
I haven't seen that.

4.) Legion - $15 million

An angel with guns?
What cool looking imagery.
But I think that's it.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $10 million

This didn't quite flop,
Despite bad reviews and such.
Do as Oprah says?

WILDCARD - Extraordinary Measures - $9 million

BAD Harrison Ford.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Brendon Fraser? What?!

I've often said Josh Duhamel can go to hell

Once again, LatinoReview (specifically the lovely Genevieve aka Scarletscribe) has dropped the knowledge on our faces. In this time, the face-dropped knowledge involves Mr. Samuel L Jackson starring alongside Josh Duhamel, presumably because Jackson's career is actually some bizarre game of co-star bingo and Duhamel represents the final corner square. Also, Duhamel is a liar. How do I know? Because like the douche-hammer Brett Favre, he pronounces his name "Doo-Mall" and not "Doo-ham-ul" like it should be. Why does he do this? I don't know, because it's what convinced the perma-tanned, semi-dude-looking Fergie to shag him? Seriously, she frightens me. Okay, we have gotten waaaay off topic here. That topic should be about how the two aforementioned stars (Jackson and Duhamel, not Fergie, who is not a star but a physical curiosity) are going to appear in Sympathy for the Devil. I'm going to reprint the summation that LatinoReview reprinted because it is effin' awesome.

Caught in the no-man’s land between Saturday night sin and Sunday morning redemption, Louisiana lawman Harlan Stark (Josh Duhamel) finds that his intervention into a spectacular crime –the bold attempt to assassinate a charismatic preacher -- soon escalates into a cosmic confrontation between Heaven and Hell, where angels are warriors as dangerous as demons. Harlan and his loyal partner Jesse (Samuel L. Jackson) stand at the fulcrum between vengeful good and devious evil, with neither side showing anything like mercy. Harlan must find the courage to break the cycle, and reject fanatical revenge –yet he too finds himself transformed. Outrageous, violent and subversive, this new adventure in horror from the director of Remember the Titans is sure to be controversial. SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL blends the seductive sensuality of Angel Heart, the genre-bending audacity of Pulp Fiction and the relentless intensity of The Omen when all hell breaks loose in New Orleans and the sacred becomes as deadly as the profane.

Does it sound cool? Sure does. Does it sound insane? Yep. Does it have some of the funniest descriptions I've ever heard? Oh yeah. Howsabout "stand at the fulcrum between vengeful good and devious evil" or "Outrageous, violent and subversive, this new adventure in horror from the director of Remember the Titans is sure to be controversial." When I think Remember the Titans, I think "outrageous and violent." Also, it name dropped Angel Heart. ANGEL HEART??!?!?! Sign me up if for no other reason than this is the best synopsis in history, whether accurate or not. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I know the theme song for the film. Oh, no, not my favorite Rolling Stones song; it's going to be something by Creed.

You know what I haven't said lately? Crom!

I've never been a huge Conan fan, but I get the appeal of the character. It's a big hulking dude with a big-ass sword who kills the shit out of bad guys with said big-ass sword. See?
I liked the versions that starred the Governator, but I wasn't totally enamored with them. That said, when I heard that Brett Ratner was going to be directing the relaunch of the series, I threw up a little. Not because I felt a great character was about to get violated, but because I honestly thought someone had killed Brett Ratner by now. Then he went off the project, and I breathed a sigh of relief because I assumed he is once more returned to the underworld where the demons who used to puppeteer Strom Thermond feast on his flesh. Now the film is being directed by Marcus Nispel, whose last name sounds made up. I haven't seen the Friday the 13th remake by Nispel, so I only know that he looks like a serial killer who used to belong in the Village People. See?Well LatinoReview informed me (and the rest of the world) that Nispel has his Conan! And it's a guy who used to be on a "Baywatch" spinoff and a "Stargate" spinoff (not the proud mothership version with the pre-chub MacGuyver). His name is Jason Momoa, and he looks bad ass. See?

So that's the exciting news! To me, it's cool that he's not a whitey mcwhite white, as I usually have a hard time believing that our ancestors had the European pasty thing going on. Also, he seems like he could shit a cougar, so there's that. Oh, but the real scoop is from LatinoReview's quick hit that the role of Conan's dad, Corin, has been offered to Mickey Rourke, who is crazy. See?
That's not for a movie. That's a Saturday afternoon for Mickey Rourke. Seriously. I'm curious about Conan now, and not 100% for the "right" reasons but somewhat because we're going to see Mickey Rourke's exposed moobs again.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Good morning you sexy basterds (FYI: it's how all the cool cats are spelling it these days, like how everybody in the 90s called burgers "Royale with cheese"...or at least I did). It's Thursday, which means your spirit is just about crushed from the work week and yet it isn't even Friday! Hooray! To make it up to you as best I can, today's the day we peek in my "junk drawer," a clever euphemism for news tidbits too tiny to take up their own post but still worth mentioning. It's a euphemism because I spend the rest of the day walking up to friends and asking "did you see my junk today" and finding strangers and saying "you look like a kind person, I would like to entertain you with my junk." Also, every Thursday (though I've never heard a soul mention whether or not they like it), we explore the drawer in the image above (which is from Highlights Magazine for Children...FOR CHILDREN) and come up with some creepy thing about it. Also, I apparently use the royal "we" a lot on Thursday. Anyhoodle, today's eerie thing from the image above is the poisonous cloud of white gas emanating from the drawer. Paulie thought that if he hid the airborne Ebola virus in the kitchen, no one would ever find it. His incorrect assumption cost the lives of Maine.

Okay, and now on to this week's junk!

1.) The dead have risen, and I loves it! - AMC makes the insanely popular awards magnet "Mad Men," which I have deemed unwatchable despite assurances from every single person I know (hey, I gave it a chance but that shit was like Ambien...sexist Ambien). The only reason I mention this is context, because the station seems to have a grasp on quality material (even if I disagree). This is good because THR announced AMC has picked up a TV series based on the brilliant comic book series "Walking Dead."
It's a no-brainer, really (get it...zombies eat brains). The series is practically a pre-made TV show, complete with storyboards. Far more character-based than zombie-based, I can see this being a huge smash hit, especially with Frank Darabont directing the pilot. For zombie enthusiasts who have somehow not read the book, it's a typical survival plot, but the zombies are slow movers and the humans aren't one-dimensional. I am so excited for this that it almost makes me forgive everyone handing awards to "Mad Men" because they think they're supposed to.

2.) Boy had they better not screw this up - If it's up to me, I don't make an MLKJR biopic. I just don't. Period. His words are the only legacy that's needed and a biopic will incite people who feel it is too glowing or too damaging. Oh, yeah, and most biopics are boring as shit. Far more boring than watching a documentary where Dr. King plays Dr. King. I see no benefit in fictionalizing the life of the single most important civil rights leader and speaker in American history when we are all acutely aware of his impact. I mean, oh yeah they're going to do it, but I wouldn't if it were me. Variety just announced that Ronald Harwood is penning the script. He won an Oscar for writing The Pianist. He also penned Mandela and Cry, Beloved Country, two films focused on race. He's also white. I don't think that should necessarily matter, but I don't think they should be making it, so it more speaks to my point that this is a can of worms that should stay canned. The only film sanctioned by King's estate, the stakes are high on this...so high that I can't believe it's going to happen. Steven Spielberg is producing (and maybe directing), which is good news, but seriously...there are better ways to preserve the man's legacy.

3.) Wacky Brits, Avatar isn't right - The nominees for the BAFTA Awards, famously referred to as the British Oscars (which I imagine is a fairly insulting nickname), have been announced. As Slashfilm.com points out, these are actually a decent predictor of Academy Award nominations, due to their position on the calendar. Quick side note, do you like how everybody pretends they don't care about the Oscars but then mentions every award show in their context and still describes performances as "likely to score a nomination." Me? I'm up front. I love the stupid ceremony. I love everything about it even though I know it sucks. What's interesting about the BAFTA nominations, which you can view here? Well, Avatar is everywhere. District 9 racked up some serious love, and nobody in England saw The Blind Side (poor, poor Sandra...who I still think may win an Oscar...shudder). This reminds me, I know I didn't talk much about the Golden Globes, mostly because I was traveling at the time, but also because they sucked. Ricky Gervais was tepid; Avatar, Sandra Bullock, and "Mad Men" won; and Robert Downey Jr scores a win...for Sherlock Holmes?! It was the People's Choice Awards, really. Anyway, Oscar nods come out soon and I am super-interested. Also, this week will debut my top 10 films of 2009 list, so look for that. Or don't, just don't tell me if you don't because that will hurt my little feelers.

4.) My greatest fears, realized - Devin from Chud.com has a great write-up of why the new Spider-man is going to suck balls. All of the balls. Between the $80 million budget (which would barely cover an Ant-Man movie), news that the focus won't be on "fighting villains" but "teenaged romance," and the fact they're going with "young unknowns," he safely concludes that we are watching the Twilight-ing or "Smallville"-ing of my favorite character ever. For those who wondered why I carried such rage at Twilight, this is why. Because Hollywood is a lame-ass, copycat town with no new ideas, so when they see shit like Twilight turning lead into gold (or $50 million into $700 million worldwide), they assume they should do the same. Oh, and they are making it an origin story, which is the worst part. God this is demoralizing. It's like watching a loved one get poop thrown at their face by a monkey in a cage and all you can do is yell "you stupid monkey, you leave my loved one alone." But the monkey just keeps flinging poop. The monkey just KEEPS FLINGING THE POOP. Ugh.

5.) Trailers parked - A few interesting gems this week. First up is the MacGruber

I have to say that I kind of want to see it now. In part because fat Val Kilmer as a villain makes me more excited than skinny Val Kilmer made most women (and men). Seriously, "I was talking to the missile" was perfectly delivered. Perfectly. Also, Kristen Wiig looks great. Color me shocked, but this is looking more like Austin Powers than Superstar.

Next up is Buried, which stars Ryan Reynolds as a dude who is...um...buried.



I may not be able to watch that, as I am TERRIFIED of being buried alive. TERRIFIED. Like, more scared of that than watching a full segment of Glenn Beck. That's serious. I'm not sure how they're going to make a whole movie last of this, but I said the same thing about Phone Booth...oh yeah, that kind of sucked. I do like Reynolds, and I am slightly intrigued. So, let me know if it's good because I may vomit in the theater.

Okay, that's my junk for this week. Hope you had fun with my junk, I know I did.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 17)

I'd like to take this time to thank the newest members of the elite and exclusive "People Who Listened and Bought/Gave Me Things You Should Buy Me" club: Andrew and Jess, my dear Chicago friends I just visited, gave me these:
Yeah, I know. Rad. Thinkgeek, who still has yet to acknowledge my relentless promotion of them, is responsible for this epic win in coat hanging. Again, I can't wait until someone I don't know well walks into my house so I can point to it and yell "OH MY GOD THEY FOUND ME" and then run out of the house and down the street as fast as I can. It will be glorious. So thanks to Andrew and Jess, who really are the most incredible friends. I had a wonderful time and have the ninja coathooks to prove it.

Thankfully, my needs are never satisfied. Ever. So here are this week's items I need.

1.) I could have done all of this week's stuff from one site - I really could have. 80stees.com is potentially going to become the new Thinkgeek for me. Only maybe 80stees.com will return my love (pssst, I'm really just trying to get them both to fight over me...which isn't going so well). Anyway, there were about 5 items in their Spider-man section I wanted, including a Black Symbiote costume plush doll, a Spider-man backpack, and a slew of cool T-shirts (including one of Electro shocking Spidey with the tag "don't Taze me, bro"). But I settled on this:
WOW. This is just...WOW. It comes with the sexy eye mask (not the boots, alas) and the guarantee to make me drool. It's like 30 bucks and you will kill a man with it (just like Avatar). How could this not seem like a great idea. Also, for those assuming I will wear it myself...

2.) I don't know about you, but I'm surviving the apocalypse - It's going to be so cool after the apocalypse washes the planet of the filthy masses. It's just going to be me and the people I love, who are and have been preparing for the coming apocalypse by watching movies on the subject and reading things like the "Zombie Survival Guide." We're soooo safe. This will also help.

It's a survival kit in a sardine can. It won't necessarily keep me alive for months, but it's enough to get me started if I am stranded away from my cave of supplies. Just pretend you didn't read that. Plus, it comes with a tootsie roll. After days of feasting on the flesh of fellow humans to survive, nothing refreshes like a tootsie roll. Nothing.

3.) Finally, sexism is over - After years of being denied a masculine-gendered version, we men now have our own Unicorn.
This T-shirt from Threadless proves that having a horn on your horses head doesn't automatically mean he's a sissy. This is a murdercorn. Enjoy it...or die.

UPDATE - An astute reader on Twitter pointed out that I almost always forget to include HOW to get this material to me. That's my bad. If you contact me at film@thereader.com, I will send you my address. If you want to just send it to The Reader (2314 M St./PO Box 7360/Omaha, NE 68107), be sure to put FOR RYAN SYREK AND RYAN SYREK ONLY HANDS OFF THIEVES on it, just to ensure that it finds me correctly. It's probably unnecessary because they're wonderful people there, but if I walk in and find a half-eaten box of perky jerky or someone wearing my mudercorn shirt...there will be blood.

Things that kill you and things that kill me

A dude died after watching Avatar. A 42-year-old Taiwanese man who, admittedly was unhealthy, died from complications of a stroke brought about by "excitement from watching the movie." James Cameron killed a man. My good friend Darren liked the term undouche that I rolled out yesterday, so allow me to continue my fledgling meme. It is much harder for Jimmy C to undouche now that there is blood on his hands. And before you say that you can't really blame him for this, consider that Jimmy C wanted a "game-changer" and to make things more real than ever before. Congrats, Captain D-Bag, you've murdered.

In totally non-related news, Slashfilm noticed a release by Hawaii (that's the state, not a new director you've never heard of named after an island chain) revealed that Alexander Payne's new movie, The Descendents, will feature George Clooney as rumored. He will presumably play the lead character who travels to Hawaii after he finds out his wife was having an affair. She's now in a coma, so he takes his two daughters to go find the douche who was doinking their mom...in Hawaii. I can see this plot description working for all parties involved. Sometimes you read a press release (like, say, Marc Webb getting a 3-picture deal) and you go "huhbuhwha?" Sometimes they make perfect sense. Also, the headline referred to things that kill me. The answer: Doing a story about Hawaii while watching freezing drizzle out the window.

Web of Lies: Reborn

Well here we go again. This guy is now in charge of Spider-man.
His name is Marc Webb, and he scares the living shit out of me. Oh, it's not just because two of the FIVE projects he has completed as a director are 3 Doors Down and Greenday videos (although, let me just say, 3 DOORS F**KING DOWN? the new Spidey director is a guy who worked with 3 Doors F**king Down?!?!?!) but because Sony signed him to a three-picture deal as Spidey director based off of one movie he made that I sort of, kind of thought was okay. In fact, one could argue that what made Webb's only film, 500 Days of Summer, adorable and appealing was Joseph Gorden Levitt and not the stolen quirk from other films shoehorned into a semi-original rom com. I know of no unique Webb visual style, although we have but one film to judge by, and the fact that this new mega-billion dollar franchise is pretty much his sophomore effort means that this guy will be such a Sony puppet that he may as well be made of felt and be receiving a permanent rectal exam. Can this be fixed with the right casting? Sure. Raise your hand if you knew that Jon Favreau was going to kill Iron Man like he did (we liked him, yes, but what about Zathura made you go "this is going to be goooood"). It was Robert Downey Jr who saved that day. Then again, Iron Man is no Spider-man, and what Webb is "known for" (I put that in quotation marks because THIS IS HIS SECOND FULL-LENGTH FILM) is romance. This move is akin to watching a kid excel at an airplane video game so you give him the keys to the Lear Jet. It sounds like Sony is preparing us for less action (ie, cheaper), more romance (ie, designed to bring in the tween/Twilight set...which isn't the target audience by the way, they won't just come and watch anything with half-wit teens in love), and a rather bland style. Things are moving faster than I thought, so we will likely be talking casting shortly. My warning still stands: You cast a single male Twilight actor in this and I'm stomping balls. All of the balls. Your balls.

Weekend Box Office Results: Guess who won the week?

Another week, another discussion about Avatar. The big news is this: It should be Titanic worldwide within 10 days and should be number 2 domestically all time by Sunday. It has a decent shot to end up number 1 domestically as well. My favorite thing is how people are bitching about inflation and how ticket sales don't mean that blah, blah, blah, blah. It made more money than anything else before it ever (or at least it's going to). That's impressive and crazy. If you want to burn your candle at the shrine of Gone with the Wind, so be it. Just realize that if you start harping about how the true measure is ticket sales you're claiming that we should revere 101 Dalmations because it would be number 11 all-time according to that chart. Anyway, on to the issue at hand.

Here are the MLKJR weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $54 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Golden Globe winner?
You have to be kidding right?
You mean People's Choice.

2.) Book of Eli - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Love Mila Kunis.
Love Denzel Washington, too.
But that all may change...

3.) The Lovely Bones - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe this!
Mixed reviews and creepy plot?
Y'all must love Jackson.

4.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

This film worries me.
Its success defies logic.
Make the chipmunks stop.

5.) The Spy Next Door - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

Don't worry, Jackie.
We'll all forget this happened.
But not Kung Fu Kid.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.5%

Another week done.
Where is all the time going?
James Cameron bought it?

Okay, that's it. Happy Monday on a Tuesday (for those easily confused, it is Tuesday).

Two stories I feel like we've heard 100000 times before

Tim Burton is directing a gothic fairy tale, and George Lucas wants to tinker more with Star Wars by re-releasing them in 3D. I feel like those things (which Slashfilm covered quite well this fine morn) don't really require a whole lot of discussion, as we've heard something similar so many times before. Oh, I'm going to discuss them, because that's what I do, yo. I just don't like it. Le sigh. Okay, first up is Burton doing Maleficent, which is a movie that focuses on the giant dragon-transforming villainess from Sleeping Beauty.
I'm in the minority among my friends, but I think Tim Burton needs a career intervention. Seriously, the cat's been doing the SAME MOVIE for like 2 decades now. Say what you will about how God awful that Superman movie would have been, I want to have seen it. It looked like a blissfully weird failure. I think that what he needs to do is something like that, not retelling the story of a well-known witch like Maleficent, but something like adapting a well-known novel or comic that doesn't fit his traditional mold. I like Burton's stuff, as almost everybody does. I just think he was so burned by the studio on Planet of the Apes that he retreated within this shell of familiarity. Speaking of shell of familiarity, the less said about Lucas returning to films he's already made the better. I feel about this the exact same way I do about the classless douche Brett Favre throwing that unnecessary touchdown in the Dallas game on Sunday. What do I mean? Well, Favre (and Lucas) certainly have THE RIGHT to do what they're doing. Favre plays in the NFL (Lucas plays with Industrial Lights and Magic studios and has more money than God), so he has every right professionally to assume that the other team should be able to stop him (Lucas can argue "We don't have to see the new tinkered-with Star Wars if we don't want to). But why do it? Why (in either case) do something that only potentially tarnishes what other people are excited about? Because you're a douche (both of them). That's the only reason. Because you are so inherently douchey that you can't undouche yourself for even a minute. You want to achieve non-douche status George Lucas (it's too late for Favre)? Let someone else make new Star Wars movies that are good. It's that easy.

Facial hair on the brain

I shaved my beard off, mostly because I had simply grown tired of it, as I am prone to do with anything other than all of popular culture and kettle-corn chips. Now I look like a 12-year-old version of myself. Seriously, I look like a motion capture rendering of myself. It's kind of embarrassing. Anyhoodle, I mention this because the biggest issue in the Golden Globe kerfuffle (Avatar WHAT?!) was actually Robert Downey Jr's facial hair.
This isn't a fashion thing like what the she-beast Joan Rivers, who suckles at the teat of our mutual destruction, is obsessed with. No, this is nerd-related shit here. Devin, who is himself quite bearded, has a great piece at CHUD about what Downey Jr REGROWING the now famous Tony Stark facial hair may mean. Essentially, Devin thinks he's either doing a reshoot for Iron Man 2, which wrapped awhile back now, or (more exciting) shooting a cameo in the now shooting Thor. FYI, when I typed that last sentence, I originally put that he was shooting a camero, which would be way cooler. Devin makes a great, great, great point about how director Jon Favreau and Downey riffed so well while shooting the first one that they went back and shored it up after they looked through the editing stage, so he hopes that's what's happening now to give us the strongest possible Iron Man 2. That's great if that's the case, but my panties are in a superheroic bunch at the lucious, sexy thought of having RDJ appear in some quasi-substantial way in Thor. At this rate, The Avengers movie is already a thing of legend to me...and they haven't even written it yet.

Weekly Round-Up

What did we learn this week?

We learned that Imaganariums rule.
We learned that you can keep a good hero down.
We learned that hotness works best in pairs.
We learned that I am still in need and have great junk.
We learned that the UNO Forensics team still needs your help.

Not bad for a January.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This is starting to get repetitive. Avatar, Avatar, Avatar. Blah, blah, blah. How in the world can I spice this up and break the monotony?

There, all better. Now we can move on to discussing the intricate ins and outs of the weekend box office stuffs. Oh, and we're going to be doing the three-day weekend thing because I have Monday off (yeah, no bloggy blog on that day, I'm out of town). Here's how I see this weekend breaking down, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $43 million

The Dark Knight is next
on its box office onslaught.
Will Titanic hold?

2.) The Book of Eli - $30 million

Spoiler Alert Time
I know the secret book's name:
"Tuesdays with Morrie."

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel - $14 million

I'm sick of this too.
When will the chipmunks be gone?
Exterminate them.

4.) The Spy Next Door - $12 million

Poor old Jackie Chan
First Rush Hour 3 and now this
Stop making me sad.

5.) Sherlock Holmes - $11 million

Elementary.
That's a good descriptor here.
We knew this would rule.

WILDCARD - The Lovely Bones - $10 million

Not a crowd pleaser...
and not a critic pleaser.
That does not bode well.

Okay gang. That's it. Have a lovely 3-day weekend (if you get it). Stay safe, have fun and see you next week.

Maybe there will be some Sin

I knew that the chances of not including Sinestro in the Green Lantern movie were slim and that they were probably doing the whole "set up the character for a later villain" thing. That's cool, yo. I can dig it, provided the script doesn't suck. Plus, I can definitely dig it if, as Hitfix is reporting, Sinestero will be played by Jackie Earle Haley, who's comeback story is just not celebrated enough. Seriously, this is the kid from the original Bad News Bears and now he's played Rorshach in Watchmen, Freddy effin' Kreuger, and Sinestro. I mean, Travolta went from to Look Who's Talking to Pulp Fiction and everybody squeezed their juiceboxes. Haley spent the 80s and 90s in some kind of elaborately constructed actor prison. Anyway, like I said before, I'm a Marvel Zombie not a DC Drone, so when it comes down to the accuracy of the Green Lantern mythology, I don't know diddly squat. Is he a good choice? I can't say, but I can say that Watchmen didn't get the love it deserved. I caught part of it again the other day, and it is damn fine work. Back to the Green Lantern for a minute, I really hope they keep his vulnerability to the color yellow. Why? Because that's the dumbest weakness ever. Seriously, that makes Aquaman look tough. "Back villain, I shall smote thee! I shall...wait is that a yellow magic marker? Don't throw that at me. Ow. That really hurt. Hey, why are you painting those bullets yellow. Oh crap."

Web of Lies: No suprise that a Nimrod is involved

When I saw the following on Quiet Earth, quite frankly I dismissed it (and not just because I hate the earth like the GOP does):

"Sam Raimi met Nimrod (Antal) on the Sony lot before his first US film, Vacancy. They clicked, so Sam hired him to direct Armored. Now, Predators is getting some great word-of-mouth around tinsel-town. Warners loves it and now Sam Raimi and Sony want the director back at the studio to helm Spider-man."

Several things seemed off to me: (1) Someone brought up the movie Armored without making a joke about it. (2) Nobody says tinsel-town anymore. I checked on that with MY sources...and those sources laughed at me. (3) Why would Sony care what Sam Raimi thinks, even if he is keeping his role on the film as a "producer?" Isn't this akin to asking the girl you just dumped to check out the rack on the hottie you're now shagging? Sure, Raimi may have some contractual thing that allows him to stay on as a "producer," but that really doesn't mean anything. If you've seen "30 Rock," you know that these titles are usually just given out to stop the fighting. Also, (4) Predators is getting great word of mouth? From what mouths? And what words? This all seems highly suspect. But then Slashfilm picked up the story and basically said that Quiet Earth knows their shit. This is the equivalent of a Sam Jackson character in any movie he's ever been in vouching for somebody: You'd best trust him. I haven't seen Armored. Nobody has, the film was quarantined. I have seen Vacancy, and it was pretty but stupid. I do know that this is not the guy I want making this movie but it is the type of guy who the studio is going to hire to make this movie. Instead of somebody young and hip (Edgar Wright), someone with great character sensibility (Jason Reitman), someone with a really unique visual eye (Michel Gondry), or somebody with a passion for the character, they're going to hire a guy who they can puppeteer. So, Nimrod, be warned: You're about to have a hand up your ass. That may be the finest sentence I've ever composed on this blog.

UNO Forensics Begging, Day 8

Like I said for days now, I care about this cause enough to pester you about it every day a little. If you read this previously, no need to read on, but if not, PLEASE READ ON:

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics Team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back to the wacky world of my junk. Once more with feeling, this is the weekly column in which I jam pack a whole bunch of tiny tidbits that don't warrant their own entire blog entry. Think of it like a bucket for leftover pocket change, only I actually do something with the extra dough, it's not mostly GD pennies, and there's nary a button or stick of gum to be found. Also, the creepy image above, which is from Highlights Magazine for Children, is studied every week, as I come up with some disturbing take on the image, because we all know that's John Wayne Gacy's hand. Today's take involves the strangely disappearing hand. Just as entropy was consuming the universe thanks to that proton collider which was guaranteed not to rip open a hole in reality, Gary remembered where he kept his lucky rabbit's foot. Were it not for the end of all that is finally disintegrating the world behind him, he would have grabbed it, too. Sad.

Now on to the weekly news nuggets too scrawny to make the big leagues. Grab a hold of something...here comes my junk.

1.) Just FYI, if Robert Pattinson plays Spider-man, I'm blowing up earth - The only reason I haven't included the rumor that Pattinson is up for the role of Peter Parker in a huge ranting blog post despite hearing it from multiple sources is because I refuse to even entertain it. If that bushy eyebrowed, half-wit, homeless-looking, talentless, pasty, British object of 40-year-old-women-who-love-cats-and-13-year-old-girls-who-don't-understand-statutory-rape is cast as the greatest superhero of all time (yeah, I'll fight you on that one too if you disagree), I will straight up find a way to nuclear proliferate my own home and end this world as we know it. This is not an idle threat, this is the threat of a man with a billion comics, an undying love for the character of Spidey, and the means to create a geek army to do his bidding (right...right, guys?). I don't care that f**king Marc Webb may ride his medicore 500 Days of Summer into the director's role in order to deliver a f**king teeny-pop take on the iconic superhero. I don't care that they'll probably have music from the f**king Jonas Brothers. Okay, I do care about all of that, but I care mostly about not having the disheveled walking corpse, the greasy hack that is Pattinson as my favorite character. You could say it downright bothers me.



2.) So long as the fifth brother is an animal... - I could watch Andy Sandberg's Mark Wahlberg talking to animals for about 2 weeks, maybe more. Each and every "how's it goin' chicken?" sends me into fits of hysteria. So,with THR reporting that Wahlberg has engineered a sequel to the little-seen but somehow still slightly enjoyed Four Brothers (the movie that made Andre 3000 think he should do movies instead of providing more insanely groovy music) is getting a sequel. It will be called Five Brothers but would get a bigger audience if it was Four Brothers and a Goat. I would see the latter movie 10 times in the theater. There's really no word on a plot, but that's not all that surprising given that it's a sequel. No director is set to attach, but John Singleton will probably return because he's not exactly busy at this point. He was set to direct The A-Team for forever, so I can imagine he's in a world of pain right now after seeing the trailer. Oh, his take on it might have sucked more, but there's no denying his BA Baracas wouldn't be the ridiculous biscuits that Rampage Jackson appears to be. Oh, and I wasn't going to leave you hanging. Enjoy.



3.) If Pixar made toilet paper, it would be the best toilet paper ever - Few studios have done no wrong...actually, I think it's just Pixar to be honest. One of the more interesting developments at the studio is the upcoming John Carter of Mars. The reason? It's not an animated film...well, at least not entirely. According to one line over at THR, "The movie will be a hybrid of live action and CGI." Whether or not this is 100% accurate, the prospect of Pixar doing adult fare (with real people in it or not) is about as exciting as you can get, because their kids movies are more fulfilling and satisfying for adults than most adult movies. The movie follows John Carter (to be played by "Friday Night Lights" hubba-hubba hunk Taylor Kitsch), who is a Civil War vet who winds up transported to Mars, where he fights in another war...so dude can't catch a break. The cast now includes Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, Polly Walker (rejoice Polly Walker fans...who's Polly Walker again?), and most recently added, Emmy Award winner Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" (who is likely thrilled that is now his reference point instead of "Malcom in the Middle"). I can't say for sure that this is going to be the live-action hybrid promised, but I don't care. I'm so ready to see what Pixar does by branching out that I feel the exact opposite as when I think about Robert Pattinson as Peter Parker.

4.) Daniel Craig desires Downey Jr.'s sloppy seconds - Cowboys and Aliens is a project so obviously Hollywood that it's insane that it has taken over 10 years for the film version to get this far. The latest setback is Robert Downey Jr stepping away from the project, presumably to count his Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes money (you could really argue that RDJ is getting into that rarified Will Smith/Hugh Jackman/George Clooney movie-star range again...and good for him). The replacement may be somewhat disappointing, not from an acting standpoint (that's assuming that they're going to be acting in Cowboys and Aliens), but what it means about the other project this replacement cowboy would not be shooting. Confused? It's Daniel Craig. If he becomes a cowboy this summer, as Collider is suggesting, he will not be shooting Bond 23 this summer. I've been salivating for this next Bond film, given how much I've loved the revamp (yes, even Quantum of Solace, asshats). This third film should payoff with a fight against the big bad guys and it's written by the playwright behind Frost/Nixon. God, I want it so bad it hurts me. Still, with MGM (007's studio) suckin' tail right now, chances are Craig will be donning a cowboy hat before a tux.

5.) Trailer's parked - This week has a few interesting trailers, the first two being new takes on movies we've already seen trailers from and the last being a Kevin Costner movie...I know.

A-Team - The preview is pretty much what you'd expect, although I've begun hearing about some discontent on the set, including some Sharlto Copeley concerns...which sucks. I say "pretty much" what you'd expect, because it goes full-retard in the last minute. The tank thing...shudder.



Kick-Ass - Hands down one of my most anticipated films for this next year, the buzz among people I follow who have seen it is absolutely incredible. This trailer shows why. I'm super amped.



Company Men - Finally, the weirdest of the bunch. A downsizing drama (with a weird, weird trailer) featuring Chris Cooper (YAY!), Tommy Lee Jones (YAY!), Maria Bello (YAY!), Ben Affleck (okay), and Kevin Costner (wait a minute...). It looks all poignant and shit, which means it could actually be touching or could be touching in a bad touch way. Not sure.

That's almost too much junk to handle, so try to take it all in and I'll see you tomorrow.

UNO Forensics Begging (Day 7)

Like I said for days now, I care about this cause enough to pester you about it every day a little. If you read this previously, no need to read on, but if not, PLEASE READ ON:

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics Team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 17)

Hello, hello, lovelies. I received a belated Christmas present yesterday...FROM MY THINGS YOU SHOULD BUY ME list! How exciting?! This is now how my iPod looks:

Before anyone else can make the joke, I'll do it: Now my iPod looks great, but all the music it plays is surprisingly disappointing. Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll fix it sometime in the next 20 years. For real though, I love it.

As you know, I generally promote the same types of things in this blog each week. I blog about great home videos, awesome toys and trinkets from ThinkGeek.com, some bad ass shirts from Threadless...and I get nothing from them. You'd think I was a paid shill, but I'm not. I'm an unpaid shill. How sad is that? This will not stop me from trying. Surely some studio or web site will so greatly appreciate that I'm willing to do this that they will send me free goods...or they'll just keep getting free publicity anyway. I didn't think this through.

Here's the things you should buy me this week:

1.) Full Moon - My top 10 list is a-comin', and (spoiler alert) Moon will be on there somewhere. Shot by the incredible Duncan Jones (as mentioned in the verse two posts below), this is a mind bender that I've been wanting to revisit. Thankfully, having a Blu-ray and a speaker system downstairs now gives me the perfect scenario for rewatching it! Joy. So, if you just want to send this over, that'd be great.

2.) Euchre Strikes Back - My wife's family play Euchre, which I have come to discover is the single greatest use of cards that don't explode. I love the game. Love it, love it, love it. I have trained like a Jedi for years to be able to take down my Father-in-Law...and now I can stand toe-to-toe with him once every 5 games or so, which is actually an accomplishment. Point is, I know I'll have the advantage if you go to Thinkgeek.com and buy me these cards.

Those aren't just Star Wars playing cards...those are Empire Strikes Back playing cards, which means you don't have to feel guilty about liking them so much. The best part is, my Father-in-Law will HATE them. Once, we were at the hospital waiting for his son, my brother-in-law, to have his baby (I mean, it wasn't HIM having the baby but...hey, that would be cool), and all we had in the waiting room were pink cards. He about lost his mind playing with them. Seriously, we were waiting for his first grandchild to be born and he was cussing like a sailor because he couldn't tell by color the difference between the suits. I need this kind of advantage.

3.) Guns don't kill people, this T-Shirt does - How great is this shirt from Threadless? I mean, the Vader and the Godzilla are good, but Megatron AND a Goomba? That's just too much.

Okay, that's it for today, guys. You have a wonderful Wednesday, you hear?!

What the Hector, Green Lantern?

Whereas the last post had me so excited as to be damn-near Seussian, this next one reminds me why I'm a Marvel man and not a DC drone. All fear the face of the Green Lantern's first big-screen nemesis!

Yes, all will fall before the might of...Dong Head? Um, Penis Brain? Throbbin' Robin? Johnson the Great? The Phallinator? Engorged George? What? Tell me! What could possibly be dumber than any of the names I've just given? Oh, what's that? He doesn't have a supervillain name but goes by the terrifying nomenclature HECTOR HAMMOND. Wow. And this is the villian they've chosen for Green Lantern's big screen debut? And it's going to be played by Peter Sarsgaard? Well, that's...hmmm. Now, I know that there's a lot of Latern fans out there and, yes, I have enjoyed the character off and on myself, but...really? Obviously, as a nerd, I know who Lantern's real villain is (I mean his real villain in the comic, not DC), and I assume they're saving it for a sequel, which is fine. I won't ruin it because I realize that this can be done as a surprise, but I do also realize that almost every press release will assume that anyone who takes time to read a Green Lantern press release already knows who his nemesis is, but I'm just not going to be the one who ruins it. The point is, I would have gone with someone slightly more flashy than Wang Face up there. I know, I know. He's probably going to have a more realistic look in the movie, but we'll all really know that he's based on Captain Forehead Junk up there.

If you buy the Farmiga, you get the Monaghan free

I have to tell you that the following combination of names of actors, actresses, director, and musician makes me so happy that I can only present the information to you in verse. Sorry.

I woke up this morning and got of bed,
hadn't even jump started, with coffee, my head,
when what do I see on the great interwebs?
An awesome director joined by two great celebs.
Duncan Jones, who you know as the director of Moon,
joined up with two ladies who make me hella swoon.
Vera Farmiga, who's known from The Departed,
has the looks and the chops to get my heart started.
She'll be joined by a lass who has both traits, as well.
I'm speaking, of course, of Monaghan (Michelle).
Watching just those two, I'd have quite a ball,
but they'll also be joined by Jake Gyllenhaal.
The movie's sci-fi and is called Source Code,
and the actors now gathered are a huge mother lode.
The film follows a soldier investigating terror crimes,
and with those ladies along, I'm sure he won't mind.
His character projects into another man's body,
but not like that sounds because that would be naughty.
He lives in this surrogate, this "avatar" if you will,
so he kind find out who's responsible for the kill.
Jones made such a great film his first time out,
that in this new project, I do have no doubt.
As if they needed more components to sell,
the score may be done by the great Clint Mansell!
This project excites me more than many before,
But until 2011, I'll have to endure,
so to bide my time as the clock slowly ticks,
I guess I'll console myself with these lovely pics.
And ladies, don't worry, I won't leave you blue,
if you look down below, you'll find young Jake, too.

UNO Forensics Begging Day 6

Like I said for days now, I care about this cause enough to pester you about it every day a little. If you read this previously, no need to read on, but if not, PLEASE READ ON:

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics Team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Web of Lies: Let's talk about grit, baby.

The stupidity currently flowing out of Sony Pictures should be bottled and sold to smart people who "want to get away from it all" or dropped on our enemies in other countries so that they will annihilate themselves by licking electrical sockets. The decision to scrap Spider-Man 4 and release Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and Kirsten Dunst is frustrating (sorry, the decision to release Raimi and Maguire is frustrating), but pales in comparison to Sony's proclaimed next move. According to EW, the latest move wasn't some spur-of-the-moment decision: They've been planning a reboot for awhile now either in case what just happened were to happen or as the next film to follow the fourth one. They've had this plan in place to the point that they have a script already...and not just any script, an origin story...and not just any origin story, a "gritty" and "contemporary" story. To quote Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction, "Well, allow me to retort."

Dear Sony,

Making a "gritty" and "contemporary" Spider-man is a lot like making a sexier Dora the Explorer or a less violent UFC. During the more than 10 years you've owned the rights to this franchise, have you ever read a single Spidey comic? If you were able to stop Scrooge McDuck-ing around, swimming in your gold coins, you may have glanced at even a cover and realized that Spidey's whole gig is not being "gritty." He's anti-gritty. That's his thing. It'd be like making a movie about Ghandi and having him tote a machine gun. It's that against the character. Is there a chance that James Vanderbilt's script doesn't suck and that people are blowing these angles out of proportion? Sure. But this is the guy who last wrote Zodiac, a serial killer movie, and the direction you seem to be suggesting is a move to follow Batman, which Spider-man isn't. Yes, they're both heroes with "man" in their names, but other than that they are diametrical opposites. Look, I stuck by this film series when you switched from mechanical shooters to organic ones, when you cast Kirsten Dunst, when you made Spider-man 3!!! But what you are clearly gearing up to do is a maneuver so stupid that whenever I refer to somebody doing something stupid in the future, I'll likely refer to it as "pulling a Sony." And the three directors rumored have to be a joke. Marc Webb, who shares only a pun-laden name with this project, has only really done the incredibly average (500) Days of Summer. Gary Ross did Seabiscuit. And then there's the third name...the one that will cause me to engage in such verbal acts of hatred I can't help but pray it never happens: Michael Bay. I am not a man of violence, but so help me Sony if this happens and I'm in an elevator with whoever made that decision...pain...lots of pain. There's still hope for you simpletons, for you glue-sniffing paint eaters. Instead of promising a "return to high-school" for Spidey AND a "gritty" movie, just go with the former. Don't do an origin story (we got it already), don't make this a Batman retread. Keep the spirit of fun, cast Anton Yelchin, hire a director with a sense of whimsy and play (what about Jason Reitman?), take some time to speak with the guys who WRITE THE COMICS AT MARVEL (look how much good press they got for Iron Man), and don't biff this up.

Listen, I spent the better part of my life waiting to see Spider-man on the big screen. I was thwarted time and again by idiots like you doing crap like this. Stop it. Just, stop it. You like money, right? You want a ton of it? Make a good movie that appeals to everyone, not a shoe-horned attempt to make Spidey into Batman.

To recap: Stop everything you're doing because you suck and if you hire Michael Bay someone gets hurt.

Thanks.

Tom Hanks to do something that doesn't involve freemasonry or war

We all love Tom Hanks. It's scientific. I was reminded of this when TNT caught my eye by running The Road to Perdition off-and-on for a few days. The jowly, one-time Hooch buddy has been laying low lately, popping up only to make the occasional Dan Brown adaptation and executive produce MORE war miniseries. Seriously, if you write a project that has soldiers solving mysteries of freemasonry, Hanks's head will pop like mine when I finally get to that Spider-man write-up I've been promising. So it's good to hear that, according to Mike Fleming, Hanks may be back in a big way. He's going to write, direct, and star in Larry Crowne opposite Julia Roberts who, despite being gorgeous, does totally look like this Afghan hound.

Roberts has been laying quasi-low herself. Thus, I'm pumped that the two may reunite (after Charlie Wilson's War) and attempt to do something that is at least original. Crowne is about a man who "reinvents himself and find a new career." Generi? Yes. Potentially interesting? Sure. 100% freemason free? Trick question. We'll never know. We'll. Never. Know.

Fun with Gunn

At the risk of offending everyone with the following punnery: The cast of James Gunn's Super is looking su...I'm just kidding, I wouldn't do that to you. I have better humor prowess than silly puns that a third-grader could write. Who do you think I am, Jay Leno? The film is a superhero satire that sounds refreshing (even if Kick Ass will beat it to theaters and take a few bullets out of its gun), and features Rainn Wilson as an average guy with no powers who turns himself into a superhero after his wife (Liv Tyler) leaves him for a drug dealer (Kevin Bacon). Ellen Page shows up as his sidekick (and sociopath), and now comes word from Gunn on his blog that Nathan "I'm Captain Mal forever no matter what else I do, dammit" Fillion and Linda "Some people remember me as the nurse character who wouldn't go away and doinked everyone on 'E.R' " Cardellini. Personally, given the news we'll be discussing for the next few months (if not year), the Spider-reboot, I'm ready for some superheroing that is a little bit more original. I'd say having Rainn Wilson play a superhero is a little more original. And now, to further excite you, here is character actor Rainn Wilson learning how to shoot a gun for his role in Super as taught by character actor Michael Rooker. Enjoy.

UNO Forensics Request, Day 5

Like I said for days now, I care about this cause enough to pester you about it every day a little. If you read this previously, no need to read on, but if not, PLEASE READ ON:

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics Team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Web of Lies: Spider-man 4 no more...ever

In just the last few minutes, Nikki Finke had the following (heart) breaking news: "Mike Fleming and I have just confirmed that Sony Pictures decided today to reboot the Spider-Man franchise after franchise director Sam Raimi pulled out of Spider-Man 4 because he felt he couldn't make its summer release date and keep the film's creative integrity."

Wow.

Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Look, we knew things were bad and getting worse, what with a script that had been passed around like a fifth-grade beer that had gotten so water-down with studio backwash that it was no longer palatable. Sam Raimi said enough was enough, realized he made the best Spidey movie he could make (Spider-man 2) and walked away. Good. For. Him. Now, the hard part: What comes next.

The word reboot causes my testes to find a new nesting place. We don't need another origin story. We don't need another "who is Spider-man" movie. We need to do what they do with Bond: recast and move on. Why back up? Why not move forward? The exciting part is thinking of the directors I would LIKE to see playing with this sandbox, and the actors/actresses I'd like to see up in there. We'll no doubt be exploring those in the coming days, but for now let me say that I'd rather have no Spider-man 4 than the Spider-man 4 that was on the way. Weak-script, lame-villain bullshit does nothing to further my love affair with this character. Hats off to everyone for this trilogy (well, everyone but Kirsten Dunst). Now let's see what someone else can do...oh, I should mention that is IF they can do anything. Not only are there major copyright lawsuits coming up (Jack Kirby's estate just filed one), but there's also the whole "curse of Spidey" to consider. Filming the guy once was hard; starting over may be impossible. Sadface.

Weekend Box Office Results: This is getting Avatar-ded

Likely by the end of the day, Avatar will be in the top 5 domestic films of all time. It has also closed the worldwide gap on Titanic to $513 million. That's a big number, sure, but it probably has at least $100-150 million more domestically that it will rake in, leaving just over $350 million to tally overseas. If it keeps pulling in $100 million a weekend from around the globe...we may be looking at a new champion. God, that is really just staggering. Especially since it (A) wasn't all that great and (B) had terrible buzz early on. Really, that's just the exact same formula as Titanic, huh? Yeah, I think that movie is mediocre, too...it just got lucky and had Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio in it, so people THOUGHT it was better than it actually was. But I digress. We're in there here and now, so here is some haiku-style results now:

1.) Avatar - $48.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Highest fourth weekend.
Biggest ever 3D film.
Least humble helmer.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $16.5 (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What a nice big hit
complete with some gay subtext
Mention that often.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Let's name the third one:
How about the Squeal-o-gy?
Or, JUST DON'T MAKE IT.

4.) Daybreakers - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)

Non-sparkle vampires
Can't earn the same box office.
Wow, that really sucks.

5.) It's Complicated - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Here's some food for thought:
Ephron is Tyler Perry
for old white women.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

Another A week!
Avatar is good for ALL!
I forgive you, Jim!

Okay, that's it for now guys. Enjoy your Monday!

Odin's Sweet tooth! Verily, there is an actor change!!

People are reporting on the following news like they could identify either of these actors out of lineup. Stuart Townsend, whose most high-profile project has been his real-life fornication with Charlize Theron, has left Thor, citing that ever-present bugbear "creative differences." Townsend is also slightly famous for playing Aragorn in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. Oh, sorry, he left that project just before shooting, too. He was replaced by Viggo Mortensen, and the film went on to be a minor success. Thor is supposed to start shooting today, which means we are close to seeing some visuals from Kenneth Branagh's flick! To reiterate, we won't be seeing any of Townsend, because he was fired...er, had "creative differences." I'd like to point out the very minor nature of this role, by the way. In fact, this part has as much to do with the success of the film as floatation devices on planes have to do with your chance of surviving a plane crash. Just saying.

Web of Lies: Malko-victory?

Despite the fact that Spider-man 4 is officially progressing with all of the speed of congressional reform, John Malkovich is still flapping his yapper about his involvement. Slashfilm.com found an interview posted elsewhere in which Malko-maniac mentioned that he was, indeed, circling the project...like a (wait for it)...VULTURE! Ya-Boo (again, that's Boo-Ya backwards...I'm determined to make that stick). Malky confirmed that the script is being reworked, so he isn't really sure whether or not he will survive the purge, and chances are that the "disagreement over the villains" that is being reported wasn't a bunch of studio suits demanding the box office might of John Malkovich. I'm guessing Sam Raimi wants the weird thespian to be out there doing his thing, but the execs want somebody more bankable. Apparently, kids don't find 60-year-old dudes wearing green feathers to be bad ass. One of the more interesting rumors I heard (though I cannot remember where, but I swear I'm not inventing this out of thin air), is that Willem DeFoe is willing to come back as the Green Goblin. Personally, I don't hate this idea. In fact, I'd bring back Green Goblin AND Doc Ock. Why? Because villains come back in the comics ALL THE DAMN TIME, plus they're the best two villains Spidey has, plus it would be a cool way to end Raimi's run. It's not going to happen, but still, it's a thought. Also, I meant to tell you that by all accounts, the Vulturess (which was to be played by Anne Hathaway) ain't gonna happen. So we may get:

But not

Yeah, that seems unfair.

Movie Review: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Hey there bloggies! I'm 99% sure we had a weekend, I'm just not sure I remember it. Why, it seems like only yesterday that I was sitting here, typing you a feverish missive. One thing I know I did this weekend was check out The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. I loved it. It was one of those reviews where I sat down thinking it was good but not great and then concluded it was great not good. Another note: When compiling our weekly report card, I couldn't help but notice that the grades were pretty high right now...then I remembered the season we're in. Right now, we're getting all of the good stuff that had been leisurely parcelled out elsewhere, which is yet another reason why I justify waiting until January of 2010 to do the best of 2009 here in Omaha. Anyhoo, just another movie to mention in that same conversation, as I've once more doled out an A. Ebert said this was one great year...he wasn't wrong, not by a long shot.

Morality Playtime
Do not pass on Parnassus

Terry Gilliam is cilantro.

Those who love him, covet his wild flavor; those who don’t, loathe his odd aftertaste, spitting him out after the first bite. Unsurprisingly, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is not Gilliam’s evangelical masterwork and will fail to convert a single reluctant devotee. It will, however, breathe fire back into the bellies of the believers with its subtle fragrance of Brazil and whimsical hints of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. Virtually mocking the “advancements” of James Cameron and his ilk, the imagery and narrative of Parnassus speaks as much about good and evil as the responsibility of storytellers to literally sustain the universe with imagination. No pressure.

Although it should be equally remembered for Gilliam’s rebirth, Parnassus will likely only be recalled as the final cinematic resting place of the late Heath Ledger. Ledger, who previously worked with Gilliam in the epic turd The Brothers Grimm, stars as Tony, an amnesiac found hanged beneath a bridge by a troupe of performers. Anton (Andrew Garfield), Valentina (Lily Cole) and Percy (Verne Troyer) retrieve and revive Tony, to the delight of Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), who sees the stranger’s arrival as a potential turning point in his wager with the devil (Tom Waits) for the soul of Valentina, Parnassus’s daughter.

The wager plays out thusly: Parnassus uses his traveling stage show to convince viewers to enter a mirror that transports them to a world made of their imagination. Once inside, they will be presented two options: take the devil’s shortcut or Parnassus’s more difficult, but rewarding, path that leads to redemption on earth through creativity. The first to five souls claims Valentina’s. Within the framework of the centuries-old morality play, Gilliam and Charles McKeown crafted a story that seemingly points a finger at derivative modern moviemakers. Thankfully, it isn’t a wagging finger or a middle digit, but one that beckons others to simply try harder to recall the power inherent in imagineering.

As has been well documented, the untimely death of Ledger towards the conclusion of filming resulted in an interesting but vastly creative decision. Each of the three times Tony enters the mirror, he is transformed into a different actor. Tragic necessity may have demanded the inclusion of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Collin Farrell, but the film is inexplicably better for it, which is not to say Ledger’s performance isn’t another stinging reminder of his now absent talent. Indeed, all performers are engaging, most notably the lightly maniacal Waits and the luminescent Cole, who is seemingly a Japanese anime character come to life.

It’s hard not to read Parnassus in a light other than that projected by the globally dominant Avatar. Whereas Cameron’s threadbare story seemed like the product of neglect, Gilliam’s simplistic work is a thin, but carefully chosen and easily approachable, skeleton on which truly unique visuals are hung. To be clear: this ain’t Brazil, but boy is it nice to see Gilliam back in that hemisphere.

Grade - A

Weekly Round-Up

So, what did we learn this week?

We learned that it's better to review Avatar, The Road, and Up in the Air late than never.
We learned that when Anna Kendrick called Omaha sexy, she won a lifetime pass with me.
We learned that I'm still yearning for "Lost."
We learned that the Web of Lies is coming to an end.
We learned that you should still buy me things.
We learned that my junk still rules.
We learned that I won't quit until the UNO Forensics team is funded.

That's waaaay too much for one week. You should take a break.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Let's start with the update from Avatarwatch - James Cameron has now directed the two biggest box office hits in the world...ever. In less than a month, Cameron's blue people have totaled the second highest gross in history. By Sunday, the movie will have made more than $400 million domestically and will be the sole owner of the highest fourth weekend total ever. It should fairly easily cruise past The Dark Knight, leaving only Titanic to beat domestically, with the question remaining: Can it beat the boat?

Here's how I see this weekend (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $45 million

The Na'vi are blue
But I would bet Fox is not
I'd say they are green.

2.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $20 million

I will not see this
Not on a dare or a bet
Not now, not ever

3.) Sherlock Holmes - $18 million

Holy gay undertones!
A producer hates that talk.
So let's keep it up.

4.) Daybreakers - $17 million

They sold this one wrong.
The ads should have said, "Hey girls,
do you like vampires?"

5.) Leap Year - $14 million

Love Amy Adams.
Hate generic romance flicks.
Guess I'm conflicted.

WILDCARD - It's Complicated - $10.5 million

When you think of it.
It is not complicated.
It's just not for me.

Okay gang, that's it. Have a wonderful weekend! I'll be back later to beg for money from you.

The way you'll spend the rest of your day

I have to tell you, Devin from Chud found a site that I'm pretty sure is run by the devil. I have no proof, other than the fact that This Game is able to read my freakin' mind. The idea is, like 20 questions, it has to guess what you're thinking of. In this case, you think of ANY movie character, it asks you a series of terribly vague questions, THEN IT READS YOUR MIND AND TELLS YOU THE ANSWER. The only one it got MILDLY wrong when I tried it was that it suggested Randal from Clerks when I was thinking of Banky from Chasing Amy and, let's face it, that's practically the same character. It was able to guess a really current one (Wikus from District 9) and a marginally obscure one (John Preston from Equilibrium). I'm impressed by this demon-driven Web site, and you will be too. Nevermind that it clearly runs on the blood of the innocent and can peer into your very soul, you should have fun trying to "stump it" with weird movie characters. I know it won't be right 100% of the time, but that's just so that it doesn't gain the attention of the Vatican. On this, a terribly slow news day, I give unto you all the distraction you'll need!

I'm feeling woozy...

I was ambivalent when Steven Soderbergh announced he'd be making a La Femme Nikita-esque thriller starring MMA fighter Gina Carano (shown below in her former profession...which is sort of what worries me):

Don't get me wrong, over the years there have been COUNTLESS performances by American Gladiator-turned-actors (it's countless because the number is zero). Then I heard that the same bloke who wrote The Limey, one of the best revenge movies you've never seen (seriously, it makes Taken it's uber bitch), was going to be penning the script for Knockout (that name HAS to change). Then I heard the cast from Movieline and The Playlist...now I'm geeked. Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, Dennis Quaid, and Michael Fassbender (who played the Brit in Inglorious Basterds) are joining the former foam-pad jouster. This whole thing hinges on whether Soderbergh can get the kind of performance from Carano that he gets from most of his actresses (and hookers...see The Girlfriend Experience). If he got Julia Roberts an Oscar, perhaps there's hope.

UNO Forensics request, day 3

We have an UPDATE! Not only has my lovely and talented cousin, who runs an insanely awesome blog of her own (I'm not even in her field and I read it), wonderful because she donated money to the UNO Forensics team, but she helped us promote it elsewhere, which is really great. Thus, as I promised before (and recap below this poem), I will write something for people if they request it after a donation. Laurie requested a poem about animal overpopulation and how Disney should do more to help. I can do that. Here you go, cousin, you more than earned this tiny gesture of thanks:

The Silence of the Mouse

Content to “keep” our brothers,
we are less kind to that which we “own,”
allowing complacency and ignorance to
breed
we watch, as they
breed
themselves into harm’s way,
because they don’t know any better,
because they can’t know any better,
because they are what they are,
and we just own them,
that is to say own some of them
that is to say
watch as those we choose
not to cuddle or cradle or care for
suffer.

We need a hero,
we’re holding out for a hero
powerful enough to help craft a plan to help the least among us.
Preferably one with an applicable mascot.

Oh, Mickey, what a pity,
can’t you understand,
you’d take us by the heart,
if you take them by the hand.
Oh, Mickey
don’t be petty
can’t you understand,
what your words can do, Mickey.
Do it, Mickey.
Don’t break our hearts, Mickey.


Okay, poem over, now more begging:

Like I said for days now, I care about this cause enough to pester you about it every day a little. If you read this previously, no need to read on, but if not, PLEASE READ ON:

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics Team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Wow, is it Thursday already? You'll have to forgive me, as here in Omaha we are buried in what can only be described as a shitload of winter. Oh, that's not meant to be offensive, that's the actual meteorological term for what happens when you get a cumulative 30 inches in about 4 weeks combined with temperatures hovering near absolute zero. It was warmer this morning in Raykevek, Iceland than here in Nebraska. That's hella stupid. Anyway, the usual spiel: My junk drawer is a collection of tiny movie tidbits that don't warrant their own individual post. I have named it such so I can make jokes about people checking out my junk. I have the maturity of a 12 year old, but I'm too cold today to care. Also, see that image above that looks like it came from "Mr. Creepy's Creepy Pictures," it's from "Highlights Magazine...FOR KIDS" (in this case, it sounds like the "for kids" part is a threat). Each week I make up a new thing that is in the image below for fun. This week's item is the tiny handle. Hoping to catch the tiny people who live in his house inside their secret lair, Harry quietly slid open what he believed to be their hideout and was saddened to find only lube. Foiled again by the shrunken-down misfits who live in his house, Harry sulked.

Okay, now on to our weekly dose of tiny news nuggets:

1.) Cue obligatory vengeance jokes - I liked Chan-Wook Park's Oldboy a lot, even if it made me take enough showers in a row to shrivel parts of me into prunes that remain intensely wrinkled. I didn't need an Americanized remake (especially one that had Will Smith in the lead and Steven Spielberg behind him...hehe..."behind him"). I wasn't all "I'm going to take up arms against my oppressor!" but I didn't care for the idea. Well, it was later squashed and replaced by a new rumor. Supposedly, Park's Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance is about to be remade, American style. It's about a deaf-mute who wants a kidney for his dying sister (SPOILER ALERT: He does not get a new one at Costco). Part of what makes Park's films (like Hunger) so effective is that they are difficult to pigeonhole into one genre. Here in the US of A, we don't have that problem. We will turn this into a straight-up creeper revenge film. Casting suggest: Crispin Glover. That would make me interested.

2.) Avatar is coming for us all - Your daily "OHMYGODJAMESCAMERONISTOOPOWERFUL" update: Avatar is now the second highest grossing film of all time in the world. For real. It took 20 days. Un-flippin-real. It still has more than $700 million to go before it catches Titanic, and it likely won't, but wow...just...wow. Less awe-inspiring but more hilarious is this video from a very funny girl who actually got me to laugh loudly several times while watching her video below. Laughing out loud...you know, there should be some kind of shortened version for that.



3.) I am a-Muse-d - Upon hearing news from the UK music mag NME that the rock band Muse would be scoring Clash of the Titans, Devin from Chud described the band the best way I've ever heard. "Imagine Radiohead, but not as good." Yep, that's about it. Devin points out that it is unclear whether the score will be rock-heavy (like Flash Gordon...damn, that is like the third FG reference in a month, we've got to put a moratorium on that one) or more avant garde like the score for There Will Be Blood. Personally, I'm stoked as shit to see the remake of Clash, and I kind of hope that Muse goes for epic butt-rockery, as that's what seems to fit best. I think they got the gig solely on the inexplicably huge success of this song (which does rock...so maybe it's not inexplicable).



4.) Hanna the barbarian - Saoirse Ronan, whose name cannot be pronounced by humans with only one tongue, is currently starring in the underperforming The Lovely Bones and is now angry enough to kick ass. Okay, that may be a misrepresentation, but she is set to star in Hanna, a film about a 14-year old girl who uses crazy-action survival skillz (with a z) to reunite with her father after she's stranded in the wilderness and hunted by intelligence agents. I have no idea how this will work, it sounds weird. The film is directed by Joe Wright, who only makes boring movies. Seriously, the closest he's come to action is the verbal fighting in Pride and Prejudice. By the way, Ronan is an alien. I'm 90% sure now that I've put her name together with pictures of her. See:

Seriously, if she's mid-interview one day and rips her face off, I'm not going to be surprised. Kimmel might, but I won't be.

5.) Trailers parked - This week in movie trailers isn't particularly exciting (go figure). First up is John Travolta looking like a thicker, gayer Telly Savalas in From Paris With Love, which is apparently written by someone who stopped maturing in 1989. I'm all for throwback action, but how did this movie get shot when Travolta showed up on set looking like that? I'd be laughing too hard to keep the camera straight. Here's the trailer.



Also dropping this week was the domestic trailer for Fish Tank, a really well-received Brit flick. It looks a lot like the US film 13, but also looks fairly riveting. It focuses on a young teenager's brutal coming of age. If "Hannah Montana" takes a turn into this territory, I'm down.



That's it gang. I'll be back later to pester you for money for the speech team...

Day two of begging

Like I said yesterday, I care about this cause enough to pester you about it every day a little. If you read yesterday, no need to read on, but if not, check this out:

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics Team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 15)

Although my friends and family combined to give me stuff from my ever-expanding list of Things You Should Buy Me, I would hasten to point out that the amount of freebies from that list I have been sent (especially by people I'm constantly slobbering over like Think Geek) have still amounted to the following:

Just sayin'. Obviously, with the season of giving in our rear view, the need for promotion is more paramount than ever. So, I'm going to keep on single-handedly stimulating the economy (Barack can thank me later).

Here's the things you should buy me this week:

1.) But ninjas NEVER wear fur - A few months back, I asked you for some ninja throwing star post-it note holders, which you never got for me. To make it up to me, go to ThinkGeek and buy me this coat holder.

It serves two purposes. First, you can put your coat on it. Second, when someone who hasn't seen your home first sees it and laughs, you can stare at the throwing star embedded in your wall and exclaim "My God, they've been here already" and then run out the door. It will be hilariously frightening.

2.) This is how many Mario games ended in my youth - Teefury, the site where for less than 10 bucks you can buy a t-shirt that is discontinued at the end of the day so douchehammers can't share your shirt, is killing it this week. First they had the "Lost" inspired "Shwarma" shirt, and now they have this tragic ode to Mario.

Seriously, that's funny. And you probably don't own a blue shirt, do you? I didn't think so. It would look good on you. More importantly, it would look good on me. So buy it for me.

3.) Mmm, destruction is tasty! - There has been controversy about global warming lately, largely because people are idiots. I'm intelligent enough to know that if I start a fire and I see smoke going everywhere inside my home, things will suck inside my home. Somehow, people seem to think that starting a billion fires and putting out a billion molecules of smoke into the home that is our Earth won't have much effect because Al Gore is the guy who says it will. They also point out that several scientists omitted facts about global warming, which I'm very much against. That said, if I cover up the fact that my car is a Mitsubishi, it doesn't mean that the car isn't red. My favorite part is, if everyone listens to the global warming group, we all become a bit more environmentally friendly, even if they end up being wrong; if everyone listens to the "aw, that's hogwash" group, and they end up being wrong...we all die. Here's a fun mug from Kleargear that shows what happens to our planet when the oceans rise when your hot coffee heats it up. It's educational AND delicious!

Anna Kendrick is with Seth Rogen...and cancer

Everyone loves Seth Rogen...this may be an overgeneralization, but how do you hate that the most bitchin' Jew-fro wearin', comic-book lovin' former chub...just look at him!

Everyone also loved director Jonathon Levine's debut, The Wackness.

Everyone now loves Anna Kendrick (who, after calling Omaha sexy while talking about her filming of Up in the Air gets a 100% free pass for life from me).

Everybody hates cancer (no image needed). Thus, putting the former three components together in a movie called I'm With Cancer seems like a good balance. The film is about a 25-year-old TV producer who has the disease. It is likely whimsical and insightful, but I wouldn't know because they haven't made it yet and no one asks me for script approval. I'm a little tired of the thematic device of cancer, but limiting people from discussing mortality on screen is a little harsh, so I'll allow it. I wouldn't say I'm downright excited for this project, but Kendrick is enough to keep me interested, as she is apparently interested in me (hey, I live in Omaha, Omaha is sexy, ergo I am sexy).

Web of Lies: Spider-man 4...no more?

What's funny about Twitter is that it often becomes the urinary trough for peeing contests between competing movie rumor sites. Over the last few weeks, IESB (one of the legends in "the game"...and by "the game," I mean talking about movies, which is far less tough than anything else that has ever been referred to as "the game") reported that Spider-man 4 was in trouble...big trouble...the kind of trouble you may not recover from. Then along came MTV's Splash Page (which is kind of douchey in that they mostly just suckle from the teat of Twilight and bilk the comic book fanboys by tossing out wild rumors and aspersions) to say that this was hogwash. The battle lines were drawn. In the end, the winner was...IESB, as various news outlets began reprinting an email from inside one of the visual effects groups noting that production was cancelled "because Sam Raimi hates the story." Good for you, Sammy! The supposed bone of contention is the villain. Raimi apparently wants John Malkovich and ONLY John Malkovich (likely to play The Vulture) and the studio wants (or wanted, depending on the reports) Anne Hathaway to play The Vulturess (a character invented for the movie). Good news! We have an excuse to post a picture of Anne Hathaway.

The obvious problem is that (A) two villains is not a good idea and (B) the Vulturess is stupid. Why not include The Black Cat as was rumored...or punt the whole thing. The reason this whole "not having a script thing" is important is because the principle players are locked into contracts and are quite busy. What I'm saying is this: If this drags on, and rewriting or creating an entirely new script is not a quick process, Raimi may lose his players (please lose Kirsten Dunst, please lose Kirsten Dunst). Were I a betting man, I'd say...this film isn't going to happen as it was conceived. I'm saying no Raimi, no Maguire, no Dunst. I'm saying back to the drawing board. This reminds me of the original quest to bring Spidey to the big screen, only back then we were talking about director James Cameron and star Leonardo DiCaprio, back when Kirsten Dunst was only a whiny, misshapen pup. I want a new Spidey movie. Bad. But I don't want a new bad Spidey movie. I hope Raimi holds out until it's right or walks away.

From now until the goal is hit...

I'm prone to reveal much about myself on this here blog, but such is the nature of these things. I say this because this isn't movie news you're about to hear, it's entirely personal. What follows is going to be a daily feature from now until the foreseeable future: I'm going to ask you for money.

Oh, not for me. Could I use a few more shekels? You know it. But I don't need moolah as much as the UNO Forensics Team does. My wife is the head coach of the team, which does competitive speaking and not probing of dead bodies as you may have thought, and I spend a good chunk of every day assistant coaching myself. We have a little more than a dozen competitors, we speak on issues that matter across this nation, we make a difference in the lives of our students and the lives of others, and we can't afford our national tournament yet. We've raised a lot thanks to amazing friends and family, but we need a good bit more. So I am personally begging you, BEGGING YOU, to help a group of amazing kids get where they need to go.

I don't have cool freebies to give away like other movie sites do, nor am I notable or famous enough to offer anything of my own that would hold value for anyone else. All I have is this here keyboard and a love for this university, this activity, these students, and my wife. So, here's my best offer: I will write you something if you send me an email telling me that you donated. Once I verify that you aren't a liar with pants currently ablaze, I will write you something. Not a term paper or homework or anything (nice try), not a report for your office (I don't do WENUSes), not a novel, nothing like that. But I will write you a poem if you'd like (haikus are pretty nifty) on any subject or anything else that seems reasonable. It ain't much, but it's the best I can do.

I just need you to go here:

UNO Forensics Development Fund (if the link is somehow broken, the page is https://nufoundation.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=895)

and give whatever you can. Pretty, pretty please. I'll keep you posted on where we're at progress-wise, and I promise to keep most daily posts shorter than this one. You can also follow the team's progress by clicking here (UNO Forensics Team), on Facebook by finding the UNO Forensics group, or on twitter at twitter.com/unoforensics.

I know a lot of you don't know about this activity, but it is a mighty one. One that combines art, argumentation, performance, comedy, tragedy, history, thinking, and feeling into one life-transforming package. I am not overstating anything when I say that your gift is pivotal to us. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or comment here. Thanks for listening. I now return you to my debauched and insipid movie stuffs.

Holmes and Watson must not live in Iowa

Today's intolerant movie news comes to you from Andrea Plunket, who is the copyright holder to the American versions of Sherlock Holmes stuff and a misguided dipshit. Responding to a few barbs and jokes about Watson and Holmes wanting to explore each other's mysteries made by the comfortable-with-his-sexuality Robert Downey Jr on the Letterman show, the bone-headed Ms. Plunket noted “I hope this is just an example of Mr. Downey's black sense of humor. It would be drastic, but I would withdraw permission for more films to be made if they feel that is a theme they wish to bring out in the future. I am not hostile to homosexuals, but I am to anyone who is not true to the spirit of the books.” A few quick notes: Anyone who says they're not "hostile to homosexuals" is hostile to homosexuals. I like how she didn't even bother to clean up the language. "I'm not hostile to homosexuals?" What does that mean? You don't spend weekends committing hate crimes? Good for you. I don't spend the weekends committing arson, we should hang out. How 'bout this, I'm VERY hostile to dingbats who respond to innocuous statements on talk shows for no good reason other than to get press and, in doing so, help to slightly widen the divide between "them" and "us." Shut your yapper, moron. As near as I can tell from some quick research, she's been married four times (yay for the sanctity of marriage) and got the rights by boning the dude who once held them. Way to stay "true to the spirit," Andrea! By the way, more people have now thought of Holmes hiding his magnifying glass in Watson's back pocket NOW than when Downey Jr mentioned it, so kudos there.

Movie Review: The Road

Still playing catch-up. Here's Ben's take on The Road, which despite some disparaging comments across the interwebs, I still really want to see. My wife has such a thing for post-apocalyptic survival scenarios that it's almost pathological. I sometimes wonder if her first reaction to seeing a mushroom cloud would be terror or joy. Anyway, here's Ben's take.

Running on Empty
The Road highlights the perils of postapocalyptic parenting
Ben Coffman

Parenthood is a rough gig. It involves carefully ushering your children through their first 18 years of life and hoping that, after that, they’ve learned not to stick their heads into ovens. Now imagine how much tougher your job would be if, like in The Road, people want to stick your child’s head into an oven, a situation I’m pretty sure Dr. Spock’s parenting guides never covered.

The Road, adapted from Cormac McCarthy's 2006 novel (his follow-up to “No Country for Old Men”), follows an unnamed father (Viggo Mortensen) and son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) as they trek through a postapocalyptic landscape. Eight years have elapsed since a vague man-made disaster has turned the sky perpetually gray (as in a nuclear winter) and killed all of the Earth’s plant life.

Not only did the big event destroy nearly everything, but it also ran the social contract through a paper shredder. Living in a lawless land with few resources, most survivors have resorted to cannibalism, an act the man chillingly refers to as "the great fear." Armed gangs of men now roam the countryside, rounding up survivors like cattle.

Yes, humankind isn’t doing well, but there is hope. Everything the boy knows about humanity his father taught him, and the man is determined to not succumb to the evils of their new world. He constantly reminds his son that they are the good guys and that they will not eat other humans. All the while, the pair push their shopping cart toward the coast, hoping that long-term survival is possible.

The Road lies in the misty, murky territory between one of Romero's zombie movies and Deliverance. Director John Hillcoat, whose last film, the grim Aussie western The Proposition, does a wonderful job rendering his vision of McCarthy’s Postapocalyptia, creating an ultra-realistic, ultra-violent backdrop for his heroes and their existential struggles. The film is as harrowing a movie as you'll see in theaters this decade. Its ability to make viewers squirm results from the tension of not wanting to see the main characters eaten. The boy represents not just humanity at its most benevolent, but he may be the future of the species.

However, the film is largely a one-note work of art, a study on hope and despair that mostly focuses on the latter, and one that won’t be palatable to most audiences. Most people, especially those prone to crippling depression, would be better suited re-watching Will Smith’s The Pursuit of Happyness if they’re jonesing for some father/son cinema.

If you can get past its bleak subject matter, you'll see that there's much more at work here than a study on all things awful. The Road can be seen as an allegory for parenthood and its many trials—raising a child in a world that barely resembles the world you once knew, one that is ostensibly more dangerous than the sunshine-filled world of our youths. It also serves as a warning against nuclear proliferation and diplomatic brinksmanship. And it’s a reminder that, at the deepest depths of despair, the smallest victories are still victories.

Grade: A

I'm hungry for Lost

Why, hello there "Losties," long time no see.

We're still 28 days away from the start of the most important 16 weeks of my life, so I thought this would be a good time to (A) begin making everybody start lusting for "Lost" and (B) set up some ground rules, which are kind of like "Lost" commandments in my book.

Commandment numero uno: Thou shalt NOT spoil anything for anyone anywhere on anything I do. For example: A good comment on my facebook, twitter, or here on this blog would be something like "I cannot believe how crazy that ending was." A bad comment would be "When Sayid ate Jack's face, I peed myself." Don't ruin things. It makes daddy mad.

Commandment numero dos: Thou shalt read Doc Jensen. There are literally hundreds of good sites that have dissections and insight into this brilliant show. None are as good as the Doc. Period. He's far more convinced with seeing what is thematically going on and not simplistically SOLVING everything. Oh, he tries to do that, too, but that's not his goal. He should probably be out fighting crime or something, but I'm glad he uses his analysis on my favorite program. Read him or miss out.

Commandment numero tres: Thou shalt have fun. Make wild conjectures. Think too big. Enjoy as I totally piss myself making terrible predictions for weekly episodes and miss the obvious. Share with others, if you find a cool site, explain what it is without spoilers (and warn if the link contains any) and then post away! This is what has made this show so incredibly fun. Unlike the "X-Files" or "Twin Peaks" (great shows, mind you), the themes and mysteries are so broad-based and entertaining that I may die when the show goes off the air. Die.

Commandment numero quatro: Thou shalt promote the show. Tell others, not just about this blog (which you should do) but about the show itself. For every person out there who said "I tried it, but I just couldn't stand waiting to find out what happened," you now have an answer. Go forth like religious nutsos and pass out flyers that say "Have you considered letting "Lost" into your life."

Commandment numero cinco: Thou shalt agree that Evangeline Lilly is divine and enjoy her repeated photos here.

So happy...

Okay, on to the "new" stuff. First up is a promo released by the gang at ABC, which shows the Losties sitting around "Last Supper" style. Doc Jensen really breaks it down, but the most obvious notes are:

• Locke is in the Jesus position, which either references his PREVIOUS "resurrection"...or a new one
• Sayid is in the Judas position
• None of the old cast members are present despite being in other promos for this season
• Frank Lupidus and Illana are there...and on opposite sides
• Claire is back...ugggggggh

Okay, now on to the really cool one. Over at Teefury, which I pimp ALL the time...so they SHOULD REALLY JUST SEND ME THIS T-SHIRT FOR FREE, they have this:

Before you ask, Shawarma is a Middle Eastern sandwich. This makes me laugh.

Okay, that's all for now, guys. We're going to have so much fun soon...I can't wait.

Weekend Box Office Results: We all owe Jimmy Cameron an apology

It's too early to do this, I know, but somebody has to ask...does Avatar have a chance at taking the global box office all-time title? After next weekend it is going to be number two all-time and will likely eclipse $400 million domestic, making it 2009's top-grossing film (I don't care if it was split between 2009/2010, it helps to wipe the poop stain that is Transformers 2 off the collective cultural underpants). Jimmy C will officially have the top 2 films EVER. That's insane. What say you? Does it have another $700 million in it, or is 2nd all time where it stops? Lord, go back in time about 2 months and tell me that I'm asking this question and I won't believe you. Actually, if you came from the future and THAT was what you wanted to ask/tell me, I would do more to you than just not believe you. Anyway, here's this week's results, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $68 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

I can't believe it.
James Cameron really IS king.
He should so Knight me.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

A franchise is born!
Who will play Moriarty?
Still hoping Brad Pitt!

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Two chipmunk movies,
and no Thundercat movies.
Where is the justice?

4.) It's Complicated - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Hey, I had a thought:
This is kind of like Twilight...
but for old people.

5.) The Blind Side - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

I have nothing left.
This movie won't go away.
I have New-Moon-itis.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 92%

Wow! I got an A!
Twenty ten has a good start...
but this too shall pass.

Okay gang, happy Monday! Remember, Christmas vacation is a mere 50 weeks away!

Two quick hits (not that kind of quick hits, stoner)

Okay, very briefly because I've already dumped two huge reviews on your face and have some haikus warming up. Two notes for you:

1.) The prequel to The Thing is starting in March, according to Production Weekly. On the plus side, it is written by the brains behind the new "Battlestar Galactica," Ronald D. Moore. On the negative side, it's a prequel to The Thing. I don't have the same creature-feature boner that a lot of others do, but I'm told for those who are in love with such things, the John Carpenter Thing is like catnip and crack rolled into one smokable film. I have an obligation to keep such people informed about such news items, so my job here is done.

2.) There was an anime that people loved in the 80s (or 70s, I can't be sure of the actual start date) that was broadcast in the US as "Star Blazers," which really helps me continue this stoner theme I'm working on in this article. Apparently, they made a live-action movie of it recently over in Japan, and it looks just God awful. Some people are excited about it. Me, I'm trying to figure out (A) why you wear sunglasses inside a space battleship, (B) why dudes still wear motorcycle jackets in space (I'm looking at you too new version of Captain Kirk), and (C) whether or not I can get the enthusiastic voice that says "Space Battleship" at the end to narrate my daily activities. That would be rad. Here's the trailer.

Movie Review: Up in the Air

Hey, it's ANOTHER review! Wowie! It's like this is what I do! I wasn't quite as enamored by Up in the Air as a lot of other critics, which isn't to say I didn't give the movie a big ole sloppy kiss. I think I mostly struggled with what it was that the film was trying to say and, if I'm being honest, I think this was a case of the flick trying to have it's cake and eat it too. More or less, I think they didn't want to give us a cop-out, Hollywood ending, but if the take-home theme of the film is to embrace relationships, that in the face of economic apocalypses we should take comfort in each other, then I'm going to need to see some on screen evidence, because it sure does look like the message is really "don't count on those either, bub." I'm all for complex themes but not muddled or conflicted ones. It didn't feel like a "well, that's what happens in life" resolution either, mainly because what happens is so obviously contrivances of plot. Anyway, it's a delightful film with another SENSATIONAL performance by Clooney, another downright impressive effort by Jason Reitman, and two insanely talented actresses (Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick, who I'm including a picture of so that you learn her face and because she called Omaha sexy in an interview...that will earn you some blog face-time).

Okay, now here's the review:

Let the Reitman In
Up in the Air has the director on the rise

Up in the Air is not the best movie of 2009. It is, however, the movie that best represents 2009.

Like a snapshot packed in a box in the attic or a note tucked inside a time capsule, revisiting writer/director Jason Reitman’s heart-warming/heart-breaking ode to corporate downsizing years from now will instantly transport viewers to a time when bad economic news was the only economic news. If not for a conflicted conclusion that longs to simultaneously question and reinforce the hierarchy of personal relationships and careers, the film would have found itself in the rarest of air.

George Clooney, the last real throwback movie star America has, may be the only man alive who could play Ryan Bingham and not make audiences loathe him. Shallowly seeking to tally 10 million frequent flyer miles, Bingham crosses the country firing folks for a company hired by other companies too weak-willed to lay-off their own laborers. Emboldened by a minimalist philosophy that sees personal relationships as albatross necklaces, he feels no remorse about his occupation. This is not a movie about a downsizer’s repent so much as it is about the peril of personal isolationism.

When Bingham’s fellow employee, Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick), envisions a cost-saving plan whereby the company will begin firing via cyber-chat, Bingham insists the fresh-from-grad-school lass knows not of what she speaks. Their boss (Jason Bateman) subsequently tasks Bingham with taking Keener under his wing on a nationwide firing frenzy. Along the way, Bingham grows closer to both Keener and fellow frequent flyer Alex (Vera Farmiga), who is so alluring that she entices him to reconsider the pitfalls of personal entanglements.

Clooney is so charming, so downright irresistible that it’s almost too easy to forgive his shallow behaviors and callous dispatching of downtrodden employees, most of whom are played by non-actors who were recently laid off. So too is Kendrick’s uptight, prissy personality so earnestly presented that she’s almost inexplicably adorable. Farmiga ably rounds out the acting trifecta by once more proving that she is unparalleled in effortless sensuality.

The delightfully non-glossy look of the film includes a few shots of Omaha, which is the home base for Bingham’s company, and blissfully toes the line between grainy docu-style and Technicolor fantasy. Combined with a deliberate-but-never-boring pace and a script from Reitman and co-writer Sheldon Turner that finds that rare place between charmingly cute and self-obsessed quirky, the film is only hampered by its take-home message. Reitman and Turner seemingly couldn’t decide between optimism and vengeance, conflicted by the desire to punish those who spurn individual intimacy for corporate coldness and a hunger to reaffirm to audiences the “things that matter in life.”

Ultimately, the real revelation isn’t the movie but the movie-maker. After Thank You For Smoking, Juno and now Up in the Air, there can be no question that Reitman’s name must be added to this generation’s short-list of most-talented directors. It’s almost exciting that this film isn’t quite perfect, as the thought of Reitman still searching for his masterpiece is downright exhilarating.

Grade – A-

Movie Review: Avatar

After what can only be described as an epic break (perhaps the second most incredible epic break, taking a backseat only to Joe Thiesman's leg), I have returned once more to regale you with tales of triumph, tragedy, and titillating trash. First up is that long, long, long overdue Avatar review I promised you. I struggled with it almost as mightily as I struggled with the movie. You'll get the gist in the review below, but since I have your attention up front, I want to concede how awesome the film looked. My eyes were so, so very happy. Also, my nerd parts went BOING in so many cool-ass scenes, like when Jake conquered his flying dragon-thingie, when you realized that their wicked pony-tail was a plug-in to the whole environment, and when the epic battle scenes played out. But...COME ON guys, that script was AW-FUL. Not okay, not passable, not "built on traditional tropes and themes." AWFUL. "You're not in Kansas anymore, you're on Pandorum" was what passed for GOOD dialogue. THEY NAMED THE MINERAL UNOBTANIUM. Giovanni Ribisi was relegated to practicing his putting aboard his spaceship while rehashing a role that was made more relevant and fully developed by PAUL REISER. Cameron had such a techno-boner that he totally goofed on the story, characters, and plot. Period. Anyway, here's the review...sorry it's late.

Never Go Full Avatar’d
James Cameron and futuristic revisionist history

The volume of the near-biblical wailing and gnashing of teeth by nerd-dom after the trailer for Avatar unveiled hybrid Thundercat-Smurfs was quickly drowned out by unholy wailing and gnashing of teeth by studio execs who had shelled out $500 million. Both were soon eclipsed by the sound of writer/director/self-proclaimed-cinematic-messiah James Cameron chortling. After three weekends, Avatar is now fourth on the all-time global box office chart, trailing two sequels and a certain Titanic endeavor. It’s still Cameron’s world, bitches; we just pay him to live in it.

Lost amidst money changing hands and the techno-babble accompanying the film’s visuals is a singular question: With a screenplay that reads at a second-grade level, how the hell did Avatar pwn the globe? The answer lies in the question itself: Simplicity, unlike Esperanto, is the true universal language.

In the year 2154, Earth-based assholes are plundering the planet Pandora for a valuable mineral, unobtainum. If you find this name clever, maybe it won’t bother you that the rest of the film is cribbed from the Cliff’s Notes of a Kevin Costner movie. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a former marine called to Pandora to join the “Avatar Project,” which consists of shunting a human brain into the genetically engineered body of a Na’vi. The Na’vi are 10-foot, blue Native American metaphors, a fact hammered home relentlessly by the blunt instrument that is Cameron’s script.

Jake is tasked with infiltrating the natives by Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang), who is so overtly evil he is given a huge scar and dialogue consisting of recycled R. Lee Ermey soundbites. Under the supervision of Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver), who wants only to frolic in the flora and fauna, Jake meets Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) and promptly falls for her, tail and all. The inevitable rebellion against the planet-exploiting humans—all of whom are noticeably American—is Ewoks versus Stormtroopers encased in white guilt.

Many other characters appear, but their inclusion here is as unnecessary as their inclusion in the film. Cameron perpetually confuses plot development for characterization, believing that paraplegic Jake savoring the legs of his avatar body and his malnourished relationship with Neytiri are something more than convenient contrivances. Worse yet, the fact that a white American man physically climbs into the body of a native to fight against the oppressors he once stood alongside is one of the more insulting revisionist fantasies.

Yet, this is the global appeal. Everything from the Na’vi’s “mother Earth”–based spirituality to the star-crossed romance reads like cross-cultural shorthand. Oh, and then there are those visuals, aided by eye-gouging (and pocket-gouging) 3D. Although most ink has been spilled discussing these effects, the least need be said about them: The action and imagery is so sublime as to almost redeem the stupidity laid out above.

Avatar is half-perfect. It’s the man with perfect abs and a sub-70 IQ; it’s the swimsuit model who ate lead-based paint. Oh, this isn’t accidental but by design. Cameron long ago figured that spectacle plus simplicity equals success, and he’s laughing all the way to the bank…again.

Grade – B-