Quick clips for Tuesday March 31

Note absent "set phasers to (blank)" joke

They're going to make a sequel to the Star Trek movie that's about to come out but hasn't yet so theoretically could totally tank but won't because, come on have you seen the trailer and it has a built in audience. I really should stop with just that obnoxious run-on sentence, but I won't, because you come for more than that. The writers for the upcoming Star Trek XII are Damon Lindelof (co-creator and still head honcho of "Lost"), JJ Abrams (as if I need to explain more), and Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman ("Transformers"). Hold up...TWELVE?! There have been TWELVE Star Trek movies? Lord have mercy, I can't believe they found a new vein to tap on this franchise. Now, without divulging into spoilers (which wouldn't actually be spoilers because I haven't seen the new movie, so they would just be rumors but I'm splitting hairs), it seems like this will (obviously) follow "new" Jimmy T Kirk and his funtime gang of adventurers, but will it follow them through time-line changing events or through moments that would fit into previous continuity? Better yet, if the movies are as exciting and full of ACTION (sorry Trek fans who are more keen on seeing tense dialogue and green-lady banging), will anyone care (besides aforementioned dialogue and green-lady banging fans)?

Croenen-sequel?

Okay, file this one under HELL YES. David Croenenberg is going to make a sequel to Eastern Promises. Now, if you haven't seen the wang-hanging Mafia action original film...LOOK AWAY, because you cannot discuss the sequel without discussing the ending of the penis picture (seriously, I could talk about the insane acting and awesome atmosphere but we all just remember li'l Viggo flapping in the sauna). Okay, so the next film will follow Viggo's character, who was revealed to be a British spy. HOW COOL IS THAT? We're going to get a Croenenberg spy flick starring Viggo Mortensen. I just can't possibly tell you how cool that is. For those who think all sequels are bad or that creative directors and writers are somehow above the practice, take a good look at an example of something that SHOULD make a good sequel. I like the character and want to know more. I want the world and don't quite get how it all fits together. It seems like a good idea to have another film take place after the fact. What a piece of bright shiny good news!

Emma Stone is 21 so I can talk about her hotness without feeling too gross

Two things: (1) Emma Stone is going to be huge. When I saw Superbad, that's one of the first things I said about it. Her raspy voice, super unique hotness, and general charisma are just off the effing charts. (2) It's going to happen soon. Between the upcoming Zombieland, Sucker Punch, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and yesterday's announcement of Easy A (a movie about a girl who pretends to be a slut to get attention and is somehow in parallel with Hester Prynne?), she's gonna be everywhere soon. This is a good thing. Why? Because I think the gal's got chops (and gams from hell, but that's beside the point). I like to see young actresses with actual talent rise to the top. From Anne Hathaway to Michelle Williams, we're seeing a new crop emerge and I think that Stone has what's needed to get up there (beyond her insane hotness, did I mention that?). So, even though the individual projects mentioned above do not fill me with joy, the fact that there are so many of them does increase her odds of being the "next thing." But I will punch anyone who calls her a thing.

Okay gang, that's all she wrote for regular blogging this week. I may or may not be popping back in as the week rolls on. Best of luck to ya.

Quick clips for Monday March 30

Before we get to blogging, a quick schedule note: Those of you who know me know that, in addition to my 9-5, in addition to my movie reviews/blogs/TV spots/radio gig, and in addition to my personal life (stop laughing), I pretty much dedicate all of my time to the University of Nebraska at Omaha Forensics Team (speech, not autopsy stuff). My wife is the coach there, and I put about as much time for free into that as I do into everything else that pays me. Well, this week is our national tournament. We travel to beautiful and scenic Akron, Ohio (is it beautiful? Scenic?) to compete with the best in the nation. I will, thus, be pretty tied up from this Wednesday through next Tuesday. Does that mean absolutely no blogs? Possibly. But Ben has been contemplating chipping in on a few, should he be so moved, and I may poke my head in whilst busy as hades in Akron. I make no promises, but you've been warned.

Oh, one last note before we get on with the show...be sure to check out The Reader this week because Ben and I had a hand in some of the April Fool's writing. I'm particularly pleased with our contributions this year, so be sure to drop in and check it out. Now, on with the rumor mongering and blogging.

Perfect 10 to be perfect IO

Gemma Arterton got me blood a'boilin' in Quantum of Solace. She played Strawberry Fields, the smokin' hot assistant who Bond bags while covered in someone else's blood (that's how manly 007 is, ladies love him even when covered in human body paint). She had a smaller role, apparently because some moron thought all new Bond girls have to have accents, but I'll be seeing more of her (please let that be literally) in the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans, which I remain on-the-fence about. Every time I think I'm about ready to get 100% excited about it (on account of my mad-on for Greek mythology in general and cool Greek myth monster shit in specific), I remember how beloved the original is to me. From Harry Hamlin to the blissful Ray Harryhausen effects, I almost don't want to see a new one. That said, this is the kind of remake that makes sense, as reinterpreting myths is just about the oldest kind of "remakes" around. I feel kind of like I'm cheating on Harryhausen by being excited for a remake of one of his films...even though part of me thinks the big guy would be somewhat pleased by it. I think he was such a proponent of effects development that he wouldn't care his work was being redone. So, nevermind, I'm going to be excited about it. Plus, things get a lot easier when you point out I'll be seeing Gemma Arterton on the big screen. Seriously, she's this crazy blend of adorable/sultry...she's adultry...wait.

Blind rage, local style

My friend Andrew forwarded me this link to a story about a woman right here in Nebraska (Millard to be precise) who is a total subhuman moron. The only thing more insanely stupid than her "story" is KETV's decision to cover it. KETV is, for the most part, dead to me now. For those who haven't clicked on the link, Physha Svendsen is upset that her son, who is six, read a Spiderman graphic novel with "sexual undertones." Those sexual undertones? Mary Jane Watson in a bikini. So, she was basically offended by something you can see in greater detail by going to the local pool on a Saturday afternoon or, you know, ever watching television on any local station for any length of time ever. Let's talk about this for a moment here. Fact one: The comic itself is labeled as PG (meaning it isn't recommended for those under 12). Even though the story points out that good old Physha "actively participates in her children's education" (let's hope that extends past spelling, given her first name), she certainly didn't seem to be actively participating in what he checked out of the library. Fact two: This kind of knee-jerk overreaction is exactly what makes Nebraska look stupid. IT'S A DRAWING OF A GIRL IN A BIKINI. Are you insane...do you need me to tell you what the word insane means? Fact three: Hey, KETV, I know that there's a limited number of personal interest stories in town for you to bilk emotion out of, but consider spending time on our growing murder rate or just give me another 4 hours of effing weather reporting (I think there's a cloud somewhere over Broken Bow, so I'd interrupt programming). Don't effing give morons like this a voice! She WANTS ATTENTION. She wants to "crusade" against something. You know what, that same comic she's protesting would possibly have been the gateway to get her son interested in reading. Kiss that goodbye. Now he'll probably name his son Crysstopher some day. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have the right to say "hey, I'm not comfortable with you reading that, junior, let's read this instead." I'm saying your yap stays shut past that and you don't go book-burning comics and talking to the GD news about "sexual undertones." Lady, you are everything I hate about small-minded people. And, to reiterate it once more, KETV blows for making this non-story into something shown on television. In a related story, I'm offended by the sexual undertones of Brandi Peterson, who did her hair real pretty the other day. I won't rest until she's off the air.

Box Office Results: Trifecta!

How is it possible that I have strung together three weeks wherein I included all of the top 5 films in my predictions? Could it be my deal with the dark lord? Possibly. More than likely it has to do with my incredible attention to detail and slavish work. No, probably the Satan thing. This week saw a huge opening, a few nice holdovers (methinks from parents dropping the little ones off at Monsters versus Aliens before heading to more adult lands), and not one crazy surprise...just the way I like it. I won't be doing a prediction for this weekend, on account of the travel mentioned above, but let's face it, that's a good thing because there ain't no way I was going 4-for-4.

Here's how it went:

1.) Monsters versus Aliens - $58 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Dare I say this was a..MONSTER opening? Okay, I won't because it wasn't really. It was definitely good and right within the range of industry experts, but it wasn't a phenomenon. It will hang well for the next few weeks though and has a chance at $200 million (plus the whole DVD thing, so it's gonna be major profitable). Plus (spoiler alert) Ben really liked it. He talked up the kid's movie to me this morning and the joy of 3D nowadays. So, there's a spoonful of joy for your Monday morning.

2.) A Haunting in Connecticut - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Really? This deserved $23 million? This didn't deserve $2.30. I am perpetually amazed at the loyalty of horror movie fans. You don't need "good" you just need to know that you're supposed to go. Seriously, if you can get funding at about $10 million for a horror flick, you can automatically double it. It's the easiest money making method in this economy.

3.) Knowing - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 73%)

Iiiiiinteresting. I figured that the dropoff would be precipitous for this one, what with the mixed word of mouth and generally negative reviews. But this fall of about 40% may indicate that, gasp, people like sci-fi. I like Alex Proyas and I want to see him get to keep making movies, so this is a great vote of confidence. I don't know for sure what the budget was, but this flick will likely rake in somewhere near $75 million total and a nice chunk on DVD, so it's gonna make some money. Give the man another gig (Proyas, not Cage).

4.) I Love You, Man - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

Don't let it's placing fool you, this thing dropped less than 30% from the previous week and has a good chance at getting near that $70 million range as most "adult" comedies these days. You know my Rudd lovin' ass is in favor of that.

5.) Duplicity - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

As expected, a drop of less than 50% indicates this could still be a pretty profitable endeavor...but am I the only one who thinks we may be watching the twilight of Julia Roberts' career?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I can barely believe how well I've been doing lately. I impress me. Happy Monday!

Friday free for all

It takes a village to adapt a Nighthawk

I'm not actually in the film industry, so I won't pretend to know whether or not Marvel is boning its help or thinking creatively enough to be considered truly innovative. Probably a little schtupping and a little creatively thinking. According to Variety, Marvel is looking to get together a pool of writers, like they do for television shows and used to do for their comic books, to begin writing their movies. Apparently, Marvel will invite up to five writers each year to work on specific projects, the writers will get a salary (which could be as high as $100,000) but that means that Marvel owns whatever the writers produce during that year (which is in line with what they do in the funny books with their contracts but makes sense in that they're given a salary). So, is this a mighty Marvel way to give writers the ol' fist in the posterior handshake, or is this the solution to many of the problems that movies have? Why is it that "Lost" and "Battlestar Galactica" are so good and yet so few movies can meet that level of scripting? Why is it that television shows have become the go-to mining ground for movie adaptations? Why am I asking so many questions? Who knows? The point is, IF Marvel manages to take some semi-struggling but very creative writers (or, better yet, pulls from their own comic writing pool who haven't yet penned movies), give them a livable salary, and allows them to actually collaborate instead of the movie-trend of just revising each other's drafts, they could really have something. Just like with Sam Jackson's 9-picture deal, the studio is thinking outside of the expected, and I like that. I just hope this doesn't go the way of previous things in Marvel's past, where the talent takes the high hard one. Oh, and my favorite note in the Variety story was that they want the writers to find ways to adapt their lesser known properties, such as Black Panther (fair enough), Cable (okay), Doctor Strange (yes), Iron Fist (could work), The Vision (interesting), and Nighthawk (bwahaahahahahaahahaha...NIGHTHAWK? you'd have a better chance adapting Spider-ham).

Weekend battle plan: I guess you're seeing Monsters versus Aliens

The title may suggest wacky and madcap fun, but that's a bit of overshooting by Dreamworks, a studio who seems content to play with the toys that Pixar has moved past, both in terms of animation style and story content. Basically, if these studios were potential dates, Pixar would be marriage material and Dreamworks would be an easy roll in the hay. That said, you can't really beat whimsy these days, and the latest from the studio is a whimsical three-dimensional jaunt. Chances are you have or know a child. They will like it. You probably will too. Then you'll forget about it during the drive home, but whatever. You don't worry about how your nice dinner is going to be poo in a few hours, so have fun while you can. The other option is another stupid, pointless, ill-scripted horror movie. Man, this genre used to be about fun and creativity and is now cookie-cutter bullpuckey. The only way I could be physically less interested in this movie is if it was a sequel to Twilight. John Cena also has a movie this week. I know it doesn't matter at all, but we should mention it just in case he's reading this and his feelings get hurt.

That's my recommendation: Don't hurt John Cena's feelings but don't see his movie. Go watch Monsters versus Aliens and don't feel bad about it.

On DVD: I'm actually just outright pissed that Quantum of Solace isn't better received. It's the shit. Honest. It's got the same "oh, I'm so serious and sad" shit from Casino Royale, but also has insane badassness. People FLOCK to go see Taken, which is just a revenge movie, but kind of poo-pooed JAMES BOND doing a revenge movie. Don't be a moronface, rent this if you haven't seen it. I don't care that the name is stupid as hell. Rent it anyway.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

The odds of me going three-for-three is the same as my odds of bagging Evangeline Lilly...but much like that impossible endeavor, low chances ain't gonna stop me from trying. As always, spots one and two are pretty much a lock, but past that it's anybody's guess. Trying to get into the psyche of the movie goer lately has been a bigger challenge than you could possibly know (it's dirty in there...dirty and scary).

Here's my best guess:

1.) Monsters vs Aliens - $62 million

The 3D take will push it up a bit (those glasses ain't free, yo), plus it's showing in IMAX, PLUS it's the first kids movie in awhile. Add it all up (Violent Femmes style) and you are left with a damn big opening. I wish that Dreamworks would skew slightly more on the side of better scripting, but it isn't bad really. And with Pixar having that market cornered, somebody has to make the animation for the Paul Blart set.

2.) Haunting in Connecticut - $16 million

These type of movies are just carbon copies in terms of the content and results. It makes me sad because it just reminds me of the business side of all of this so strongly. Anyway, if you see this, you make me sad. So don't tell me about it, okay?

3.) I Love You, Man - $12 million

I think this will hold well because we love comedies right now. Plus, Lou Ferrigno. I mean, if that man doesn't have staying power, don't nobody got staying power.

4.) Knowing - $10 million

A 60% drop seems about right for a movie as overtly sci-fi as this one is. The audiences I've talked to were heavily divided between love and hate. That means it will likely not have the strength to carry high into this week. It may get as high as third. I'm still glad this movie exists, for the record.

5.) Duplicity - $8 million

I'm guessing this will hold at just over 50% on the grounds that old people like it and they don't rush out opening weekend. So that means a lot of them will go see this now. Still crazy how far Julia Roberts has fallen off.

Have a good weekend! I will...so you should just to keep up.

Quick clips for Thursday March 26

Nyuk, Nyuking to an Oscar?

Somebody please tell me how in the Sam Hell The Three Stooges biography, to be directed by guys best known for putting sperm in Cameron Diaz's hair, has two of the more outstanding actors of our generation? What the hell is going on here? If Variety is to be believed (and they have been filthy, filthy liars at times), Sean Penn is Larry, Benicio Del Toro is Moe, and Jim Carrey is Curly (he's going to gain the wait for the role...and unlike Russell Crowe, this actually seems warranted). So, we're living in a world where The Farrelly Brothers have managed to unite Del Toro and Penn in order to have them wail on each other's junk and stuff. Wowza. Well, look at it this way, Penn was bound to try and do something to make him seem like less of an assface soon, and Del Toro just got done being Che and probably needs something lighter. I guess the big question is: Will we care about this movie? I generally loathe biopics, but I did enjoy the Stooges back in the day. And by back in the day, I mean back when I went to drive-in theaters in the summers and watched their shorts before the movies. I guess my hesitation is that they're going to go all Vh1 Behind the Music on our ass and we're going to see Curly snorting lines of blow off of Larry's ridiculous hair. Actually, scrap my complaints, that's an actual recommendation. I want to see that. I need to see that. I'm going to go photoshop that into reality.

Ding dong, Mark Millar's pitch is dead

For those of you out there who still have some kind of chubby for seeing Superman on the big screen despite having said chubby stomped on by Superman IV and Superman Returns, you won't be seeing Mark Millar's version. Not that anyone besides Mark Millar thought that Warner Bros would go for Mark Millar's version (or that anyone beyond Mark Millar would want to see Mark Millar's version), even Mark Millar now admits that Mark Millar's version is now dead. This will allow Mark Millar to continue working on Mark Millar's comics, Mark Millar's video game adaptations, and Mark Millar's other movie projects, most of which are adaptations of Mark Millar comics of Mark Millar video games. Why WB didn't go for a Mark Millar idea following Superman from birth to death as the last man of both Earth AND Krypton is beyond Mark Millar's understanding, but likely has to do with it sounding insanely boring. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to help Mark Millar out. See, he's actually quite a good writer, but he seems to be spending so much time self-promoting these days, that he's doing very little in the way of actual writing (Kick-Ass is now like so late that we may get the movie before the finale of the comic). So, I figured if I pumped his name out there like a billion times, he may be able to get back to what he's supposed to do, which is write (specifically, write things that don't suck). So, you hear me Mark Millar? Mark Millar? Mark Millar!

Lost Recap: Sayid goes with the gut

Last night's episode should have given me the special tinglies. I mean, it was a Sayid episode that heavily featured Sayid. That's giving me a delicious plate of food that also comes with money. And yet...meh. I mean, it was good at times, but it felt uneven. Worse yet, my favorite character did something (twice) he had never done before: He acted out of character. In other words, he was poorly written...twice. Oh, and as I called it, very little (until the end) actually happened. Mostly just flashbacks and chatter. To pause for a moment: Nobody expects more out of a show week-to-week than "Lost" fans. Be honest. We want new theories, dead bodies, engaging developments in EVERY episode. When they don't give those up, we freak out. Nobody can deliver more than 100 hours of consistent entertainment. The show has only had a handful of actual bad episodes (and only two terrible storylines). That's not a bad batting average. So, the fact that I'm bitching like a petulant high-schooler shouldn't indicate that the show is troubled. It rules. I just wasn't 100% sold on this episode. Here's why in the form of a recap:

1.) Sayid, still in cage, has a flashback showing him as a boy in Iraq killing a chicken. He's a killer, get it? Then we see him in a flashback with Ben after he got off the island supposedly killing Widmore's men because Ben convinced him to (did anybody else get a Memento vibe? Like Ben was Joe Pantoliono who was probably just having him kill people for fun?). We see Sayid in "present time" in 1977 in a cage still. He refuses to cooperate (because he can't on account of not actually being a "hostile"). Sawyer, who is showing some of his self-motivated issues (he WILL protect his life with Juliet at all costs), tries to convince him to escape at first, but he won't do it. So they take Sayid to the Dharma torture guy: Larry from "The Newhart Show." Hmmm

2.) Sayid gets drugged up and spills all the beans, which makes him sound loony. Now, my friend Ben (again, not the homicidal maniac) thought Sawyer was stupid for just standing there, but I don't know his alternative. All he could do is either let Sayid go or hope things went the way they did: that everyone would think Sayid was nuts. The Dharma gang takes a vote, they want to kill him. Sawyer sheepishly agrees, tries once more to get Sayid free (but he don't want to), then gives up.

3.) Little Ben lights a Dharma van on fire, distracts everyone, springs Sayid free. Sayid then shoots little Ben in the gut. Immediately after proclaiming "You're right about me, I am a killer" he shoots little Ben...IN THE GUT.

Okay, so you can see little happened. Plus, nobody thinks Ben is dead. Yes, this will have some kind of ripple effect and we can begin to see if you CAN change the future or if all of this was already incorporated in Ben's past (my vote is on that one). Jack will probably have to save little Ben (echoing his surgery on Ben in the future). Oh, I forgot to mention Kate is longing for Sawyer although apparently living with Jack?! I can't figure out what she actually feels. Maybe she can't either, but it's time for her to feel strongly one way or the other scriptwise. I think the shock of little Ben getting shot was blunted because we all saw it coming (and it won't stick). So, not a biggie at the end.

The bigger issue for me was Sayid acting dumb. Shoot him in the face. You're a killer. You snap dudes necks. You shoot him in the tummy? Dumb. I like the idea that the island won't let him kill Ben, but I would like to have seen that. He stands over little Ben, goes to pull the trigger and is somehow stopped. That would work. This was dumb. Plus, how the hell is Sayid going to get jumped by the prettier version of Anna Lucia? He's been in that position with a dangerous chick before, how is he going to let his guard down like that. Bullshit. It's just not right. I'm ready to get things moving here. Little bursts of story are okay, but I want to get driving to someplace more exciting.

Next week is going to be "save little Ben" episode. You know it. It will be cut with Ben in 2008, which is good because he's a great actor and should make the episode interesting...but it bears mentioning that we're entering the home stretch of the next-to-last season. It's okay to start heading forward now. So-so episode, I'd go with a C+.

Quick clips for Wednesday March 25

Fear my awful powers

Yes, the whole Let the Right One In subtitle debacle was covered at Slashfilm.com, Chud.com, and probably lots of other places. But, let's face it, there's no doubt that it was my savage destruction of their stupid practice with my verbal jujitsu that resulted in the announcement that Magnet Releasing has promised that "We are listening to the fans feedback, and going forward we will be manufacturing the discs with the subtitles from the theatrical version." "Fans"...come on, that's total code for "ow, ow, Ryan Syrek totally worked us over with his brilliant and acerbic wit, we surrender!" You'll be able to tell on the packaging the new versions because they will say “SUBTITLES: ENGLISH (Theatrical), SPANISH" in the tech specs on the back. Now, one point of contention is that they're not offering refunds on the dumbtitled version. On the one hand, I get not giving away money, this is not a big company we're talking about here. On the other hand...come on, at least offer an exchange. Seriously, you can't even use the previous version as a coaster, because it will make your beverage retarded. I know it's hard in this economy to take a dive on this one, but the fact is, I bet less than a third of the people who bought it so far will take the initiative to actually return it. Plus, you're the ones who went with an "alternate translation" that was apparently performed by a former contestant on a Vh1 dating show. Make it right, or I will let fly more clever witticisms. Nobody wants that.

Cartoon pilot gets more work

Look, I know you want me to like "Mad Men." I don't. I get that it's supposed to be good and interesting, but like "The Shield" and "The Wire," it just don't flip my switch. I can see the quality, but me no likey. I have to see and review so many movies that fall into this category that I refuse to watch television like it. I watch TV I like. That's it. This is just a roundabout way of saying that I learned to like John Hamm during his stint on "SNL" (which was okay) and mostly on "30 Rock," where it became painfully obvious to me that he needs to be a superhero of some kind. I know that Hollywood lives in a world where they must cast a 20-something in every spandex role (aside from, you know, Robert Downey Jr, who happened to give the best performance as a superhero maybe ever), but come the eff on, this guy has a chin made by God to stick out from a costume. Just look at it. It is spellbinding. Anyway, Variety is reporting that Hamm is joining the cast of Howl, about Ginsberg's seminal work. Cool. I like that he's doing a movie that seems to be of high quality. That it's set in the same general era as his TV show, not so bright. If I were his agent, I'd be lobbying my ASS off to consider him for either Captain America or Green Lantern. It's a big paycheck movie that you're supposed to do BEFORE you go making your esoteric art films about people persecuted for their sexuality. It's the evolution Hollywood has demanded for years.

Lost predictions for "He's Our You"

Yeah, after reflection, last week had like 3 good moments and only 3 good moments: (1) Little Ben meets Sayid (wow does that sound like a covert way of describing Sayid exploring his sexuality); (2) Sun and Frank talk to Christian (by the way, all the talk of seeing Claire in the background in the HD version is being spoken by people seeing what they want to see...these people also believe 99% of conspiracy theories and have rewatched Three Men and a Baby about 20 times to see the ghost in the background); and (3) Sawyer and Jack pee at one another (Sawyer totally painted the snow better this time out...and Jack didn't seem to mind). Methinks we're sitting in 2 more episodes of lull, as the airing on April 8 ("Dead is Dead") has a press release that states something to the effect of Ben summons the smoke monster to ask for his judgment, meaning I think we get the answer to smokey's mystery. That rules.

Anyway, on to predictions for tonight's hopefully surprising but probably just more moving pieces around episode.

1.) Sayid will escape. Now, Doc Jensen is really loving his own theory that Sayid was, in the time we didn't see him on screen, captured by the Others and convinced to be a double agent for them. I just don't buy it. They couldn't possibly have had time to convince him to do their bidding AND give him the necessary information to do so. Plus, to what end? Why would they NEED him to at this point in the history? Personally, I think that Sayid is going to figure that if he kills little Ben, everything gets better. He's normally a pretty smart fellow, but the evolution of his character has moved him from suave and thinking to savage and bloodthirsty. I think he's going to try to kill Ben and I think someone is going to stop him. Someone being Sawyer.

2.) "He's our you" seems to be referring to someone from the Dharma Initiative who is going to be revealed to be some kind of likeness for a castaway. In the interest of being right, I'm going to guess that Sawyer will say this to Sayid about someone coming to torture him for information.

3.) Sun and Frank and Ben will all begin their march to figure out how to go back in time. I think, because of the preview mentioning Smokey in a coming episode, that their journey to the Temple is about to begin. What I'm curious about is what will happen when Ben meets 2008 Richard Alpert again. Plus, where's John Locke and what's he doing? I'm thinking this week may bring us John vs Ben round whatever. I think Locke wins this one.

4.) We're going to get A LOT of Jack/Kate/Sawyer/Juliet (or, as the power of nicknames demands us to call them: Jakawlet). I don't know if this is going to be compelling or not. It will be if we see the depths of Sawyer and Juliet's bond. As in, if Sawyer is able to show Kate early that he cares deeply for Juliet by rebuffing Kate or something, then it's interesting. I also wonder how Jack's going to take all of it. You know, I think he's a changed man (for realzys), but it's hard to fight your past urges. Chances are, he's going to want to be "the guy" again. It'll be interesting to see him struggle with that. Or not, but I hope it is.

5.) We won't see Smokey.

6.) Here's my big prediction: I think we see the purge start tonight. By that, I don't mean that we see the actual carnage, but we see how THE CASTAWAYS are somehow responsible for it. I'm not sure how, but I think this is going to happen and happen soon. We've had the ticking bomb of the Purge over our heads for awhile now, it's time for that clock to hit zero.

Well gang, that's it. Again, I'm calling for a tepid one this week, but I hope I'm wrong. They tend to build steam as the season progresses after a little lull. I think when we hit "Dead is Dead," we're in the clear, and the rest will rule. Until tomorrow.

Quick clips for Tuesday March 24

Let me get mad at the right one

I haven't gotten around to buying Let the Right One In on DVD yet. I will, just so I have a copy of one of the best films in recent memory (and one of my favorite foreign films ever), but apparently I'm going to have to do what Devin at Chud.com is doing and waiting for the collective head-from-ass surgery that must take place. Apparently, as noted by Devin, the gang at Slashfilm.com, and by my friend Andrew, who knew that I couldn't stand by and let more terrible things happen to vampiric Swedes, the DVD has turned the sophisticated subtitles into an episode of "According to Jim." Yep, they dumbed down the subtitles to avoid "confusion" (which nobody had). Now, I'm not sure what half-witted d-bag is responsible for this decision, but you can see the damage yourself here and here. The problem is, nobody seems to know from whence this change came. I mean, surely they didn't think they were going to be able to reel in the guy about to rent Role Models, who at the last second went, "Nope. I'm going with the emotionally challenging and sparse Swedish vampire movie that's really a metaphor for turmoil in adolescence. Screw seeing people taking a nut shot, I want to feel dammit." Then, you dazzle them with the brilliance of your dumbed down, "Two and a Half Men" dialogue. See, anybody who already saw the movie in theaters loved it and talked about how brilliant it was. So...making the dumbtitles basically was the equivalent of taking out the thing that people enjoyed about your movies. Coming soon from these decision makers: Candy without that "sweet taste," football without legs or arms, and music made solely from humming out of noses. Really hope this was one guy's dumbass decision and not a studio-wide choice. That would be depressing.

One day, I'll stop posting about The Expendables...this is not that day

Like me, you probably rise and fall each day wondering about the state of Expendables, a movie that cannot possibly have the knees to bear the weight of expectations being placed on it. That, and why the hell Kurt Russell isn't in it. I mean, let's face it, he's become the poor man's Dennis Quaid, a position recently held by Dennis Quaid. What the hell else could he have to do these days, right? Nobody's knocking down his doors to star in the remake of The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. Please don't let anybody remake The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes just because I mentioned it. Anyway, it turns out that Sly Stallone mentioned on his site (Stallonezone...how have I not mentioned that before) that he had the same Tango and Cash reunion boner...but that Russell stomped on it. Going so far as to basically accuse Russell of "big-timing" Sly, the note suggests that Russell's agent said he's "not looking to do ensemble work" right now. HA. Why would he? I mean, Kurt Russell is the biggest box office star in the world. Hell, his name is so full of power that just repeating it seven times in a row allows you to lift a car. If you are about to take a test and don't remember the answers, just fill in the name Kurt Russell into all the answers and you'll automatically get an A. I could keep going, but it would just belabor the point that both JCVD and Kurt Russell are idiots who don't know their station in life. They're missing out on a chance to get SOME kind of press, as opposed to their normal no kind of press.

This is not an omen...keep saying that to yourself Zack Snyder

So far, Mr. Snyder has been a very smart fella. He angled his work on Dawn of the Dead to get 300, used 300's huge explodified box office to do Watchmen, and used Watchmen (pre-release) to set up his next pic, Sucker Punch, a female-driven action fantasy starring Vanessa Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Evan Rachel Wood, and Emma Stone. It was SUPPOSED to be toplined by Amanda Seyfried (from Mamma Mia! and being really good looking fame), but she just bowed out due to "scheduling conflicts." Yep, she's on a TV show ("Big Love") and that could well be to blame. I hope it is...I hope this is not the sign of people detaching from Snyder's star. See, whether it is or isn't, Watchmen is being seen as a flop-ish endeavor. Personally, I think it was an impressive coup from Snyder just getting it made, so consider that. But if the project loses it's lead, the budget comes under fire because he apparently can't poo $300 million movies at will, and things get delayed...we could be looking at Snyder moving from "visionary director" to "McG." I really don't want this to happen, if for no other reason than his visuals are just fantastic. I mean, he really gets how to bring a whole world to life and that's a valuable commodity. I think maybe he should try something a little more tame soon, just to get his head in the right place and ego in check, but I really hope Seyfried's departure isn't a sign of things to come. Plus, she was going to play a character called Baby Doll and was going to look all hot. We're all losing here.

Quick clips for Monday March 23

Expendables now 50 Cent cheaper

Sometimes, the Internet's power is harvested in the most perfect and awesome way possible. For example, you may have heard that I'm a little interested in this Expendables movie. This has been, in part, because the casting is awful-tastic. It's so full of mongoloids and freakshows that I almost feel like I'm peering into a carnival tent. Love dat. Well, when 50 Cent was added to the cast, Sly Stallone went on Aintitcoolnews.com to defend him. What resulted can only be described as a forum fight club, wherein the erstwhile Raptor was savagely mauled by anyone with a keyboard. Since Sly realizes that the success of his film relies 100% on the nerds bantering back and forth on their blogs...50 Cent has been unceremoniously dumped from the film. In his place? The guy who played the president in Idiocracy, Terry Crews. Now, Crews has been applauded for his acting and whatnot in roles that didn't see him looking insane like he did in Idiocracy. I don't care. I will always remember him with that stupid hat and, most importantly, those insanely bulging biceps. Physically, he is perfect for the part. In terms of his acting, insofar as he is not Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, he has already proven his worth. What I find interesting is that this really does appear to be a move caused by the furor of a bunch of half-wits on a message board. Because what they really needed was a little stroking of their ego to convince them to keep going. We are now dangerously entering a world where the opinions of these people matter. God help us all.

I live in a world with a Coen Brothers remake of a John Wayne movie

Variety blew my mind. They're putting forth the news that The Coen Brothers are going to film True Grit. John Wayne won his Oscar for that film. Wowza. Now, they're supposedly going to be more faithful to the book that was the basis for the film, but here's what I know. The Coen Brothers will be making a full-on Western, and not just any Western, a John Wayne Western. I suppose, when you think about it, they're the only guys with the collective directorial stones to take on a monumental undertaking like this. I admire them, if for no other reason, than I admire anyone willing to make a Western these days. What used to be an entire prospering genre has now been reduced to a few films ever couple of years. Hell, the Western Movie Channel on my digital cable barely has enough programming to get by (and every time I turn the damn thing on it's the same three movies). My grandpa loved the things. Every time I visited he would force me to watch one...until such time as he fell into his afternoon post-snack nap and I could nab the remote from his tummy to change the channel to Voltron. Something must have passed into me, though, as I find myself longing for a good saddles and spurs spectacle every once and awhile. Hell, the Coens could win an Oscar for this and help resurrect the whole thing like Chicago resurrected the musical (and made Hugh Jackman so very, very happy). You never know.

Weekend box office results: Two for two? I'm feeling light-headed

I know, I can't believe it either. I figured for sure that all life on the planet would be wiped out before I actually managed to have two consecutive, non-suck weeks. Now, I don't imagine I'll get used to this (and it's not like I killed it like I did last week), but it's nice to have something go well for a little while. What's interesting is that the box office head-of-steam has seemingly slowed. This leave us asking a terrible, terrible question: Is it possible that people ACTUALLY wanted to see Paul Blart and Taken? Could they actually be hits and not an indication of a trend in general box office? I know, I don't like it any more than you do. The thought that the people WANT that stuff is making my guts go all "Dancing with the Stars."

Here's how it went:

1.) Knowing - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

Nicholas Cage still sucks, but at least he didn't drop a Next bomb on us. Or Bangkok Dangerous. Lord, what the hell was that movie? I walk buy it at the video store and it makes me queasy. I'm not sure what happened, as I once found him quirky and fun. Now, watching him feels like watching something embarrassing about to happen. I tend to turn the channel with the guy on the sitcom is about to make an ass of himself. That's now become Cage's career GPS system.

2.) I Love You, Man - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction- 84%)

I really thought this would open slightly higher than this. Apparently, the world has yet to develop the man-crush on Paul Rudd that I've worked up. This film is generally viewed as a minor work from the comedian and will most likely still do crazy business on DVD. At this time of year, it's pretty much what you expect.

3.) Duplicity - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Nice to see some adult fare do decently well. There was a time, though, when a Julia Roberts movie was a huge hit. Now...it's kind of just nice. It's surprising that she chose this little ditty as her reentry into the movie world, but whatever. I can't say I really care. My affection, like most of America's, has moved on to other ladies (and men, sorry Paul Rudd).

4.) Race to Witch Mountain - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 77%)

I really thought this would hold better. I guess we're not looking at $100 million movie after all. It will likely finish north of $80 million, but that's not enough to guarantee a franchise. Looks like the Rock is still open to your invite for another movie series.

5.) Watchmen - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

And this is how the adaptation of the greatest comic novel of all time goes out. Whimpering, tail between legs. Thought it would do better, but I guess good is good enough. You can rest now, Watchmen. That'll do.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Not to shabby. I'll take a solid B any day. Next week is dicier, but whatever. I've proven I'm not a total boob (in this regard). I'll take that on a Monday.

Friday free for all

Belated Lost recap: Shutchyo mouth, we did too "learn" stuff this week

The middle of the story is the hardest (ie, most effing boring) to tell. It's all about mamby pamby bull snot like "feelings" and "character development" and "foreshadowing" (I'm just trying to see how many sarcastic quotation marks I can use...no reason for that, move along). It's easy to begin a season of "Lost" with a bang and to end it with a "Huhbuhwhat?" but the middle, that's where the tricky comes in. This week did a fine job in my opinion with a middle-of-the-roader, allowing us to have a few figure-em-out puzzles and a few nice character beats. Yes, I wish we weren't still in the midst of separated characters having to find their way to one another, but at least they aren't locked in polar bear cages.

Here's what happened this week:

1.) Another plane crashed. Seriously, it's time to stop with all the plane crashing. It was way cool the first few times. Now we've seen it enough. Stop. Anyway, Ajira Air crashes, killing the copilot and only saving everyone else because (A) Lapidus rules and (B) they were able to land on the runway that was built during Jack, Kate, and Sawyer's stay in the island of naughty others. After the crash (which crazy lady who had Sayid captive didn't seem to be freaked out by), Caeser asserts his dominance. I think they're trying to draw a parallel to Jack with him, insofar as he is emerging as a leader, but I am reminded more of Sayid. When Lapidus is like "let's build a fire," Caesar is like, "Dude, I saw buildings when we were crashing, how'sabout we check that shit out first?" Reminded me of Jack saying things like "We'll hide in a cave" and Sayid saying things like "I'm going to build a damn radio." This whole thing is oddly reminiscent of the "tail section" season 2 storyline. Hopefully, it's way more interesting.

2.) Meanwhile, in 1977, Sawyer, having found Jack Mclameplan, ole buddy Hurley, and Kate Stillwantstobangya, takes his former castaways with him back to Dharma land (after an awesome exchange with Jack, to whom Sawyer explains "we're in the Dharma Initiative"). Sawyer and Juliet pull some crazy strings and get the gang added to the manifest as "new recruits." Jack gets assigned as a janitor. Tee hee. Tension instantly emerges between hotter-than-usual Juliet and ain't-nobody-ever-gonna-be-as-hot-as Kate. They see an orientation video and then, toward the end, we have a good old fashioned (and missed) Jack vs Sawyer wang-length measuring contest. (Jack - "You're just going to sit there like a horse's ass and read a book." Sawyer - "I'm going to quote Winston Churchill, point out that I'm banging the chick you once wanted, talk about how everything is much safer than when you're not around, point out how you were a total doofus every time you made a plan WHICH NEVER, NOT ONE TIME EVER, ACTUALLY WORKED, and then tell you that you love it. Jack - "I do love it.") The coolest moment was Jack's seemingly genuinely happy look at Sawyer's assertion of being a leader.

3.) Side story - Jin "catches" Sayid. Turns out he was running around (wtf) in the jungle. When Jin goes to see Radzinsky about a possible plane crash with his wife on it (not knowing she crashed in 2007), he's forced to take Sayid in as an "other" or risk having Radzinsky freak out. Sawyer smartly (and rather enjoyably) gets Sayid to "admit" to being an other so that the terms of the truce protects him from murder. At the end of the episode, a caged Sayid meets young Ben Linus (a twist on when Sayid met a caged Ben in season 2). This, of course, is a huge revelation that Ben must have known about all of these people by the time they came to the island (again). I'm not sure how this all works out time travel wise, but it now appears that Ben DID know at least Sayid prior to "meeting" him when Ben was captured in Season 2. Uh, oh, I'm getting a time travel nosebleed (TM).

4.) Sun follows Ben to a boat that he wants to use to get to the main island. Sun clocks Ben with an oar. Nice. Sun and Lapidus go to Dharmaville, only to find it abandoned and half-exploded from the mercenary fight last season. Then they find Christian (wtf) who shows them a picture of their friends from 1977 in the Dharma Initiative. Their minds are blown. Christian then busts out "You have quite a journey ahead of you." Oh, previous to this there was the monster noise...I'm not sure if they want us to be thinking Christian = The Monster, but the thought is there.

Okay, so cool things did happen. Most notably, I think we got some kind of suggestion about how the time loopiness works, which isn't exactly what Farraday (who, by the by, is missing...my guess is he's off the island, not dead...or, better yet, he returned to the present day somehow) has said. The fact that the baby Amy had is Ethan (not Desmond, which would have been cooler...and still makes me wonder who his daddy is) means that (deep breath) the timestream that the castaways found themselves in the beginning of the show is the same one they are in now. Basically, Ethan couldn't have been born unless Sawyer saved Amy, which he did by going back in time. Thus, because Ethan was alive and tormenting far before the point at which Sawyer went back in time to save Amy, they were operating in a timestream that had ALREADY had that happen. Of course, the other way to look at it is that fate course-corrects for these things and had Sawyer not showed up, something else would have saved Amy. I don't think so though, I think this is the first sign that the time loop they're in has been going since the beginning. Also, whatever the hell is up with Christian is just so compelling...OH and somebody somewhere (I don't remember where) pointed out that Richard Alpert is what Locke and Christian are: A dead guy. That makes sense, huh.

Next week's episode should begin ramping up the steam a bit. At least I hope so. Sorry this was late, I promise to do better next time (not that you can punish me, I just have shame).

Weekend battle plan: Ohmygod you have CHOICES!!!!

In what can only be described as a total error, America has been given an option as to what to see this weekend. You have I Love You Man, a Paul Rudd comedy (I know that Jason Segal is in it, but mentioning him is like giving nuget top billing in a candy bar over chocolate). You have Duplicity, a brainy version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith without gunplay but with added witty banter (and America's former sweetheart Julia Roberts). And you have Knowing, the most troubling film of the bunch. See, back when this movie was supposed to be done by Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko), I was thrilled. Then I heard Alex Proyas was coming on... I love Proyas. Yep, you heard me. He did The Crow (loves it) and Dark City (perhaps on the top 10 all-time sci-fi project list...Roger Ebert agrees!). His only misfire was I, Robot, a watchable movie that now appears to have been corrupted heavily by the assclowns at F**ks Studios. So, cool idea (a time capsule with numbers that predict the future), a cool director, how do you mess it up? Nic. Cage. This douchehammer has been so heavily and thoroughly sucking that I want him referred to as Nic "The Vacuum" Cage. That said, Roger Ebert has praised Knowing, dishing out a four-star review. So really, even though it's the most conflicted choice, how do you not want to investigate further?

That's my recommendation: Take your mom to Duplicity, your buddies to I Love You Man, and your doubt to Knowing. Any way you slice it, a nice weekend.

On DVD: When you have good choices in the theater, you usually have shite on DVD. Speaking of shite on DVD, Twilight hits DVD tomorrow. Yes, on a Saturday. That way the morons who think the books/movie are good can go to midnight release parties without having to miss school the next day. If you rent this movie I hate you. Seriously. You have to know it's crap by now. I'll give a marginal pass if you read the books (because reading should be encouraged, even if it's horse crap writing), but there's no excuse for watching this. None. My DVD recommendation is that you DO NOT WATCH TWILIGHT. Dammit.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Last week was a fluke. We all know it. Hitting in 93% is something I'll remember for as long as I live (or at least until tomorrow...God I hope I didn't just doom myself to death tomorrow). I am, as always, going to take valiant stab again at such a number and...it's possible. I think the top 5 are clear, but I do think that the positioning is going to be tricky (that's what she said). The hard part is going to be figuring out if Nic Cage has what it takes to rise to the top (that's what she said) or whether Paul Rudd is just too damn good to be beat (that's what she said) or, more complicated still, whether adults will make Duplicity a surprise smash (nobody said that).

Here's how I see it:

1.) I Love You Man - $20 million

Given the openings of R-rated comedies these days, the fortuitous timing of Role Models on DVD, the love of America for any (and I mean ANY) comedy these days, and the undeniable power of Paul Rudd's cheekbones, I'm going to say that this hits number one. The only threat, and I'm not shitting you here, is the NCAA tournament. This film is obviously targeting the testoster-crowd, which means March Madness may actually affect the totals (and Knowing's total). Still, I think there's time to both watch crazy basketball and getcher laugh on.

2.) Knowing - $17 million

It's going to be really close between this film and Race for Witch Mountain, which isn't going to have a big fallout. I'm thinking that the non-stop effects reel that is the trailer for this film is going to sway some people who love some destructo-movies. Could this flop like most Cage movies lately? You bet your sweet bippy. I just think the marketing was well played.

3.) Race for Witch Mountain - $16.5 million

To reiterate, it wouldn't surprise me if this whole list was in a crazy different order. I can totally see Duplicity and this flick shooting to the top because of the tournament sucking away dudes (really not making the "she said" joke here). Still, I think that this represents a huge holdover and to do better would mean that women aren't interested in Paul Rudd or global destruction and that's just crazy.

4.) Duplicity - $15 million

Roberts just isn't the draw she used to be, Clive Owen never was a draw, and the previews (while Oceans 11 like) don't suggest action or outright sex. That means you'll get a nice adult crowd who will see the movie over several weekends but not pack it in the first weekend. Then again, I do remember Gran Torino's big wide first weekend take. Who knows?

5.) Watchmen - $8 million

At least it crosses $100 million. Really, don't feel bad for this movie. Lots of us will buy it on DVD, it will break even with international box office, and it was never going to be a franchise anyway. I still like it, I don't care what others say. I'm an individual like that.

No blog for you today

Hey there, no blog today. No time for love, Doctor Jones. Tomorrow we'll hit up Lost and do the usual. Honest.

Quick clips for Wednesday March 18

Things that make me sad

No, this is not a post to discuss true moments of sorrow (like when my iPod died a few weeks back, setting into motion a disastrous chain of events that have left me in a rut, DAMN YOU TECHNOLOGY). This is a post about something I rarely have to deal with (and a review as a bonus!).

About a week ago, an enthusiastic marketing person hired by or working for Roadside Attractions (a distribution company who distributed brilliance in Super Size Me, The Fall, Right at Your Door, and Fido...and less than brilliance with Beer for my Horses...if Toby Keith asks you to do anything but wail on his junk, you say no) contacted me in an effort to rush a screener of Super Capers to my door in time to beat the opening weekend (arriving on Friday). The movie is a low-budget, slapstick love letter to genre influences ranging from 007 to Star Wars to The Matrix and so on made by what appears to be a very nice man getting started in the industry (with two whole credits on IMDB.com). Now, nobody usually cares what the lowly Ryan Syrek thinks about a movie enough to want to get a film Fed Ex-ed to him on a Saturday (mmm...third person), so believe me when I say how badly I wanted to like this movie...or at least enjoy it...or be able to recommend it in some capacity.

Sadly, Super Capers is the worst movie I have seen in almost as long as I can remember.

Review time.

Super Capped
Super Capers makes me long to be shot in the face

It shouldn't be surprising in the age of remakes that a film can be produced without one shred of originality, called a comedy despite not having one inspired or even marginal moment of hilarity, produced without any redeemable factors (save for keeping Tom Sizemore off of drugs for the 3 minutes it took to shoot his role). Somehow, Super Capers still manages to shock with its awfulness.

The "plot" follows a non-powered superhero wannabe named Ed Gruberman (Justin Whalin) as he accidentally gets sentenced to a half-way home for superheroes despite not having any actual powers. He's sent there by Michael Rooker (okay, a character played by Michael Rooker but there's really not a difference any more). Once he arrives at the superhero equivalent of "Sober House," he meets Will Powers (Ryan McPartlin)...feel free to groan at the name. Powers has Superman-esque powers but terribly overplayed self-confidence issues, which is what passes for comedy in the film (Supervillain - "You're fat." Powers - "Sob sob sob." Cue "Looney Toons" sound effects...no that's not a joke). Gruberman also meets Herman Brainard (Sam Lloyd) who has (wait for it) brain powers, Puffer Boy (Ray Griggs...the writer/director of this mess), and Felicia Freeze (Danielle Harris), whom he wants to warm with his super schlong.

There's some kind of story about missing money or escaped villains or something but trust me when I say you won't remember. Under a full-on assault of wacky noises (down to the "ahooogas" and "zoinks" from Saturday cartoons), dialogue that wouldn't be funny if you built a time machine and went back to the 1990s when the riffed-on materials were first released, and acting that can only be described as "Oh, no," Super Capers is without merit. We haven't touched on the effects, which appear to have been done on a home computer, because that just seems mean.

Sigh. Here's the thing, Griggs meant well, there's no question. His tender script over the credits thanking everyone for letting him do the film and helping him with it makes you feel bad. Writing this review feels like making fun of the guy singing his ass off at the Karaoke bar who really wants to be good and entertaining, not because he's shallow, but because he wants to share with you. Oh, oh how I wish this had been a B-movie or bad movie with some measure of entertainment. It wasn't. At all. That saddens me like you can't believe.

In an age when a movie like Primer can be slowly made and put together on home computers and for a relatively small budget, you can't help but be reminded that it is very possible to make low, low, low dollar entertainment with good ideas and the right spirit. Griggs has the spirit, but lordy the ideas aren't there. I'll stop kicking the puppy now, but it has to be said to sum up the point: 2009 officially has it's first entry for "Worst of." Sadface.

Grade - F

There goes anybody ever sending me anything ever again. The hand that feeds me is tasty.

Lost predictions for "Namaste"

Did anybody else panic a little at how much the absence of "Lost" hurt them last week, realizing the show doesn't go on forever and will finish the season soon and then crying, uncontrollably, embarrassingly crying until you thought your annual allotment of tears was used up? Just me? Cool.

I did a little poking around on the Interwebs and found somebody I apparently know third or fourth-hand had reposted (and bless them for doing it) in a forum somewhere (The Fuselage, I think). This is insanely cool. Sadly, as it turns out, most people found my theories as cogent as Swiss cheese and as reliable as a Yugo. Fair enough. I'm not incredibly good at this stuff, I like to do it more than I'm skilled at doing it. Still, discussion is discussion and I think that's what the show wants us to do...so I am actually pumped that this has happened and want more of it! I still argue that I'm right on some of these (like the dude who said "why don't they just stay quiet" to my theory that the whispers are time travelers...to which I can only respond "I don't know, they haven't thus far!" I mean, when Sawyer and the gang saw themselves, they were all whispery. Plus, the other explanations don't make sense. They aren't "ghosts," unless we come to find out that term means something different on the island, and every answer is GOING to filter through the time travel lens, you'd best believe that one). Wow. Long aside there.

Anyway, point is I'm happy to get into these discussions and freely admit how wrong, wrong, wrong I can be and how right, right, right I can be (okay, there should probably only be one right there). What I'm saying is: This is where the fun is with this show, so take off your pants and get in the pool. Wow. Creepy metaphor.

Okay, predictions for "Namaste:"

1.) Doc Jensen at EW.com (weekly plug) tells me we're seeing Radinsky, the guy who drew the map on the blast door. That's not a prediction, that's cool. He also said he's working on something that makes the map make more sense. Also not a prediction, because I didn't come up with that. My prediction: The thing Radinsky is working on is a way to use the island's energy to peer into the future, to spy on it without going there. He realizes the importance of having a map when he sees that others will need it. Total bullpuckey guess, but we're having fun aren't we?

2.) Sun and Sayid are NOT in 1977. I predict they and John Locke and the two new (please don't go Nikki and Paolo) characters are in "present day," providing an interesting obstacle to a happy Sun/Jin reunion. This will also make cool time travel stuff possible, like leaving notes to be read in the future and whatnot. Time travel writers love dat shiznit. Also, I really like the phrase "time travel writers," it sounds like the people who once pontificated on vacationing in Aruba now write about the perils of 17th century Europe for the modern man.

3.) We will again not see Smokey.

4.) Sayid will again not kill anyone.

5.) We'll begin to see how Jack and the gang integrate with Dharma. I'm guessing that Jack will reveal his doctorness (because he can't help himself) and that will allow him to become a valued member. The lie that Sawyer is going to tell is going to have to be a whopper...I think he won't try to assert these are his former boat mates but some kind of rescue mission sent to find him. Just a guess.

6.) We're going to get puppy dog eyes from Juliet to Jack, Sawyer to Kate, Kate to Sawyer and my friend Ben (not the homicidal island dweller) is going to hate it.

7.) Ben is going to have another interesting conversation with Locke where he tries to convince him that his murdering him was a helpful thing. I think we're also going to get an allusion to (but not evidence of) where Ben was when he got beat up. He's going to mention Desmond.

8.) Speaking of Desmond...I don't know that Amy will reveal that her baby is him, but I think we're going to find out who her baby is tonight. I'm sticking with Desmond, but smart money says if it's revealed this early, it will be a minor character (like Ethan or whatnot). If it is Ethan, it's going to bring up an interesting question of how it is Amy would have survived to have him if the gang hadn't gone back in time and saved her...another time travel brain freeze is upcoming.

Beyond all of that, we should see Marvin Candle (aka Pierre Chang) tonight, "Namaste" is kind of his thing yo. Maybe a Miles Straum origin story? Too much to hope for methinks.

Quick clips for Tuesday March 17

Linda Hamilton able to find room in her schedule for Terminator: Salvation

Whew...I mean, given her busy schedule of, um, pilates and "Real Housewives of New York" marathons, Linda Hamilton finally found the time to agree to do voiceover work in the new Terminator movie. No lie, she had to "read the script" first. Really? Really, Linda Hamilton, your career is at the point where you still "read the script" first? Here's how your life should be going right now. "Linda? Hi, we'd like you to..." "Yes" "But I haven't gotten to the..." "Yes" "But there's a large amount of makeup and prosthetics involved and..." "Yes" "But the bear can get slippery and..." "Yes" I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Linda and I wish she had a bigger career. She doesn't. That means when you have a chance to reprise the one role anybody remembers (okay, Ron Perlman remembers you in "Beauty in the Beast" but he was the Beast), you do it. You don't ask how much, you don't delay and "read the script," you do it and hope that it leads to some video game incarnation of you that you get to voice over. Wow. I'm grumpy today, can you tell? I know I said that my domination in the box office prediction over the weekend would guarantee a week of love and laughter, but that only took me right up to about 2:30 yesterday afternoon. Sorry about that. Happy St. Patty's Day, go get drunk so you find me tolerable again.

Things to do other than write

Harlan Ellison remains my secret favorite author. Oh, yes, I WANT it to be Margaret Atwood (my second favorite) because she's more literary and (frankly) more important. I would even settle for Michael Chabon, Jonathon Lethem, or Dave Eggers. All lies. My favorite author is Ellison the asshole, who writes mind-blowing short stories when he isn't douching it up in various ways. He used to be so prolific that he would sit in a bookstore, have a famous person make up a title, and then write a story in one sitting on his typewriter in front of people and everyone who spent a certain amount that day in the story got a copy. Now he just rants on a blog I can't believe he has and sues people. Sigh. According to Variety, Ellison is still hopping mad about the most famous (or infamous now) episode of the original "Star Trek" series, "The City on the Edge of Forever." Whereas he was once pissed about how much they changed it, he's now pissed about how much they have used stuff from it and used the episode itself without giving him money. Now, ostensibly this is also about the role of the WGA and the bastardness of the producers...but this may also be more about Ellison wielding his douche hammer. See, he likes to get really pissy about people "infringing on his genius" but a lot of times it's just grandstanding. Really, this is a roundabout way for me to say two thoughts I've been thinking for awhile: (1) WHY ISN'T HE WRITING MORE STUFF?! I want to read NEW Ellison so bad! (2) You should go read Ellison's work. Check out "Angry Candy" or "Slippage" today. You'll be happy you did. Or not, what do I care. Yep, the grump is back in me, but I'm not suing you.

Spiderman Japanese

If anything could make me happier on this day, it would be a Japanese version of Spiderman finally released to the Internet for our viewing pleasure. If he could just fight some crazy stupid monsters and look like a weird blend of a ninja and a rave kid, that would help. Oh, and if the music was total 70s porn music that couldn't hurt. The following came from an era when Marvel comics was more concerned with promoting a global brand and characters than making every last effing dime they could in every possible way. Who knows how many countless millions in the Asian world were exposed to Spidey in this way (sure, it was LSD Spidey, but whatever). Did that account for high grosses for the later Spider films? Sure. More companies need to think about it like that: Spread some free love (hee hee) for your products to make people willing to pay for them later. In that spirit, here's some free insan-o Spidey for your asses.



Doesn't that rule?

Quick clips for Monday March 16

I blame MacGruber

Some douchebag has decided to make a MacGuyver movie for no reason whatsoever. Nothing says built-in audience quite like a series from the 1980s that was mocked mercilessly then and is still mocked now in a recurring sketch on "SNL," which I firmly believe was the inspiration for bringing this abomination back. With the A-Team movie in preproduction, this officially means we can recreate what a weeknight was like for me a few decades or so ago. Joy. Now that we've moved into the mediocre-popularity television shows from the past, my question is where it stops. I mean, no lie, this has become a full-blown remake epidemic. Are we going to get a movie version of "Earth 2?" Is there going to be a big-screen adaptation of "Seaquest?" Where in the name of Jonathon Brandis does this unholy remaking stop?! Really, at this point you have to wonder when the next wave starts, don't you? I mean, we've relaunched Batman and The Hulk, but there's a precedent for that, what with them being comics and all (they cancel a series and start over at a number one issue like every effing week). But does this mean that we'll see a remake of Brokeback Mountain in a few years? Will there be a big-screen version of Extreme Home Makeover? At any rate, happy Monday, there's going to be a MacGuyver movie. Sigh.

My dream of an octopodigrizzlysaur is not dead

Perhaps the only good news about another mediocre (word of the day) family effects film dominating at the box office (Race to Witch Mountain) is that the next family effects film that will dominate the box office by the director who just makes family films that dominate at the box office seems kind of interesting. Monster Attack Network, which my cable provider stubbornly refuses to carry, will be the next project from Andy Fickman, whose name sounds like a ridiculous fictional nerd character from a 1980s John Hughes movie. Seeing as how his last two movies have starred The Rock, I see no reason why this one won't too. I shouldn't have to tell you what it's about, but in case you need your food cut up, it's about a group of guys who fight monsters. Shocking. In my world, this film would be written by someone with a savvy sense of humor, somebody who knows the right line between B-movie and making an intentionally bad/cheesy film. It would have effects in the vein of Ray Harryhausen and would feature a score by the guy who scores "The Venture Brothers." Hell, were it up to me, it would pretty much BE "The Venture Brothers" with monsters. God, that sounds so cool I think I should pitch it to somebody. I ain't sayin' I'm excited about the next movie from the guy who did The Game Plan, I'm just saying giant monsters never hurt anybody (other than the people they eat and step on).

Weekend Box Office Results: Oh. My. God. Ohmygodohmygod.

The Chicago Bears won a championship in 1985 and haven't won one since. My point is, don't think I'm going to go around thinking I will now dominate every week in this stupid, pointless exercise I perform for the entertainment of me. Still, it's good to be king, however briefly, and today thanks to The Rock, a declining interest in a dang good superhero film, and a remake of a movie that was unneeded the first time around, I am atop the dogpile, I am king of the castle, I am the constructor of a sentence with tons of commas that is likely grammatically incorrect.

Here are the results:

1.) Race to Witch Mountain - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

This likely means we're going to get more Witch Mountain movies, which is a fate far less severe than getting 3 more Paul Blart movies, which we're also getting (happy Monday part deux!). All I know is that it makes things easy when a film like this opens unimpeded. I wish it was like this every week...okay I just now realize that I asked for a film like this weekly. I don't mean that. It isn't worth it.

2.) Watchmen - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Ouch. I figured this would happen, all the diehards would see it opening weekend and then it would linger. I really feel like that's what happened more than it being terribly received. Side note: Why the hell did they delay the release of "Tales from the Black Freighter" from the same opening frame as the movie? They missed out big time I think. Surely they didn't think we'd stay in and watch that did they? Hmmm....

3.) Last House on the Left - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Turns out, everybody still likes savage abuse and torture! Hooray for progress! This couldn't have cost more than about $30 million to make, so it's going to be profitable pronto. So help me Jeebus if we get Last House on the Left 2 or Another House on the Left or First House on the Right or anything close to that, we'll see what real torture and violence looks like.

4.) Taken - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

I have nothing left...um, obscure Liam Neeson facts I guess: Fact number one - Neeson only pees sitting down.

5.) Madea Goes to Jail - $5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Thanks for helping me cap the week Tyler Perry! Now BE GONE!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

This gets bolded because I'm awesome. I'm going to have a good week now for sure. MacGuyver movie be damned: Best. Monday. Ever!

Friday-Free-For-All

I cannot believe I've done this long without an Expendables update

I apologize for any shrinkage of testosterone since the last post about Sylvester Stallone's magnum opus: The Expendables. I take full responsibility for your impotence or lack of fertility. To restore your virility, two new pieces of casting news. (1) Stone Cold Steve Austin has been added to the sausage fest. (2) Charisma Carpenter is going to have a very uncomfortable set experience as she is, so far, the only person with lady parts confirmed (provided Austin doesn't have some ovaries he hasn't been forthcoming about). I assume that Carpenter will do a lot of being captured and a little heaving of bosoms, as is to be expected in a film of this level of maturity and intellect. That said, how great would it be if she were, like, the bad guy? Could you imagine what a waste of muscle-bound girth it would be if they storm the castle, or compound, or warehouse, or whatever and rush to the top to find a girl with fake bazooms is responsible for everything. Maybe that would give impetus for some of said bastions of rage to turn on one another in an awful, glorious bloodbath. Oh, by the way, I'm not a bookie, but if I was, I'd have an over under on which cast member starts beatin' on which other cast member first. I mean, you have to think Austin and Randy Couture are the favorites, but Dolph Lundgren hasn't eaten in 11 years, so there's that to consider. Plus, Jet Li and Jason Statham were in War together, so each probably blames the other for one of the largest cinematic turds to not be excreted by Kevin Costner. Then there's the whole Mickey Rourke vs Forrest Whittaker Oscar bragging scenario. I need so badly to be on this set that it hurts me inside.

Weekend battle plan: Go see Watchmen again, please

It's not that I desperately want the film to be some kind of staggering success...it's that I want Zack Snyder to have the ability to direct other badass projects. It's that a film of this caliber deserves to at least avoid the "disappointment" category. It's that your other choice is the Rock (who nailed SNL by the way) taking alien kids home in a remake that features him saying things like "do not go in the pimped out fridge." Seriously, this isn't a choice, is it? Oh, and your other alternative is a remake of a snuff/revenge film. We're better than that, aren't we? Okay, Blart to the contrary, we ARE better than that...please tell me we're better than that. We're in a slow stretch for art films, so don't be looking for anything of high quality sneaking into theaters. They got that out of their system with the Oscar runs and are ready to pack in the crap (wow, that sounded dirty). Plus, Watchmen does deserve a second viewing, if only to really appreciate the things in it that worked really well (Jackie Earle Haley alone is worth your second ticket). So get out there and do me proud (that's what she said). I'm tired.

That's my suggestion: Go see Watchmen again.

On DVD: What's up smorgasbord?! You have Milk, which received great praise for Penn but also for a supporting cast that could have seen nominations go to James Franco and DID see a nomination go to Josh "Kisseyface" Brolin. You also have Role Models, which features the funniest prettyboy ever in Paul Rudd and is the type of movie that screams "rent me on DVD," even if the whole "unrated" boasting is just obnoxious now. Seriously people, unless the "unrated" version features a lead actor visibly snorting illegal drugs off of underage prostitutes, there's nothing really "unrated and shocking" about it. The MPAA considers the number of thrusts in a sex scene, so what is cut from a film is usually pretty tepid. Besides, what audience are you hoping to gain, people who weren't going to rent or buy your film until they thought there was a chance that Stifler's stifler will be exposed? Finally, you have Synecdoche, New York, the single most challenging film I've ever watched. I'm writing my review on that one this week and, yowza, it's a doozie. It is unequivocally the most brilliant film I've seen in my 7 plus years of reviewing...and I'm not sure how much I actually enjoyed it. Really fascinating though and I long to discuss it with others. So you have a buffet to choose from.

That's my recommendation: Rent something good.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'm feeling good about this weekend (mainly because I felt so crappy during this week). I think we all know who's going to be number one and numbers two and three may flip flop but are pretty secure. Also, unless you suddenly don't like Liam Neeson anymore (I know, ridiculous) and unless Madea was suddenly sprung from the pokey, I think we know the top five. So help me God if you all change your minds now I'm going to go apeshit. APESHIT I SAY. So please stay in the comfort zone you've established for me, walking the path of predictability to my first top 5 finish that isn't embarrassing in months. I would really appreciate it. Also, my back needs scratching and I'm hungry. Snap to it.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Race to Witch Mountain - $29 million

I know because I gave this a little extra bump that it's going to underperform. Then again, as I've said before and will say again, if you give me $50 million and I HAVE to make a movie, I'm making a family film with effects. Even the ones that don't do well, still do well. Oh, and it's as good as time as any to talk about how Dwayne Johnson needs better parts after seeing SNL. Seriously, dude has talent and willingness to chop on himself. Come on agents, step up.

2.) Watchmen - $19 million

This is a harsh fall. I want this to be better. I want so badly to see this cruise past $100 million and keep chugging. It won't. The cinemascore from audiences is fairly low (B-) and the die hards have all seen it now. This is the weekend of real concern for the studio. A good one here, and all is okay, a bad one and it's hello DVD sales.

3.) Last House on the Left - $18 million

This could actually go higher and steal second...it would also steal a part of my soul in doing so. I really hate generic remakes that are flavorless. This seems like all of those things. Plus, any time part of your plot involves a savage abuse of a woman and it ISN'T a dramatic call to action but is rather a corny and "thrill-inspired" schlockfest, I'm morally checked out.

4.) Taken - $5 million

I have nothing left. You win, Neeson.

5.) Madea Goes to Jail - $4.5 million

See above comment intended for Neeson.

That's it gang. Have a good weekend, I know I'm looking forward to getting a little sleep and a lot of fun. Oh, and as a courtesy, my friend Andrew provided me with the link to hear the radio show I do every week. I did it on Thursday this time, so even more reason to post. I'll try to remember to post it every week. We'll see if that happens. Here it is:

http://www.cd1059.com/MoreStuff/STEVEKINGSMORNINGSHOWCLIPS/tabid/3122/Default.aspx

Quick clips for Thursday March 12

As promised, all the theories I can theorize

Last night was a rough one. I'm not just referring to not having a new episode of "Lost," which hurts more than it has a right to. No, some other, far more depressing and crappy things happened, most of which leave me wondering why it is people do the things that they do. Sometimes, human behavior is apparent, it is as obvious as Adrian Brody's nose. Other times, things are seemingly done for the purpose of intentional harm with no understandable benefits. Anyway, I'm ranting in the obscure now, but the reason I bring this up is...this seemed like more fun yesterday. I'm hoping that these theories are still fun and will brighten my mood...but that remains to be seen. At any rate, you didn't come here for a dash of melancholy, you came here to have your day brightened by stupid jokes and speculation, so let the stupidity and speculatizing begin.

We're not going to go in yesterday's order, because I'm not sure that works for my brain. Instead, we're going to go in the following order:

1.) Walt's powers
2.) Infertility
3.) The Black Rock
4.) Richard Alpert
5.) Adam and Eve
6.) The Whispers
7.) Miles's abilities
8.) Dr. Chang
9.) The Monster
10.) Cabin/Jacob.

Okay? Let's do this thing. Wherever possible I'm going to try to back this up with actual events and information and not just idle conjecture. Whenever I don't have events and information, I'm going to make the whole damn thing up.

Walt's Powers

Although for all intents and purposes cast aside, I'm hoping that Walt is not 100% done in the world of "Lost." Now, he need not return for his "abilities" to be discussed, so there's still hope of some kind of answer. I think that answer is one of the two following options: (1) We have been told that there are pockets of "the island's energy" in the "real world" by Angela Lansbury...sorry, I meant Ms. Hawkings (also known as Eloise Farraday, also really old). I believe that Walt was born over, above, or around one of these "pockets." Children born in this way, so-called "special" children, are called home (ie, the island), which explains why the Others were hunting for them. Also consider that, while we assume Walt was causing events (things like the birds, the rain, visions) he may have simply known they were coming or be able to communicate across time. Since time travel is the crux of the show, the idea that his power will tie into this seems reasonable.

There you go. Theory number one: Walt's powers are due to his being born on, around, or near one of the "pockets" of island energy present in the "real world."

Infertility

This is one that I had wavered on for quite awhile, but I think we got our answer in "LaFleur." Seeing the baby be born last week seemed to suggest a course correction, that the castaways presence allowed babies to be born. I think it didn't. I think it did the opposite. Consider this: Had the castaways not showed up, Emily would have been killed along with her husband by the others. She would have never been pregnant on account of being dead. Because the scooby gang interfered, she was spared and bore a child (Desmond, in my opinion, not Ethan as has been proposed...my gut tells me it's more interesting than Ethan, oh, and we'll cover this one in Miles's write-up). Because this baby was born and shouldn't have been, the island made a quick course correction: No more babies. Thus, the event that Sawyer said "hadn't happened yet" was the very birth that took place in the next scene...consider too that her baby would have died if Juliet wasn't willing to go through with, almost as though a second chance was offered to reconsider the decision.

There you go. Theory number two: Infertility is caused by the castaways and their involvement in saving Emily and delivering her child.

The Black Rock

Unless human life was indigenous to the island (which it may have been), travelers would have to come to it for their to be life there. We've had our first inkling that this was true thanks to the Egyptian style statue (more on that in Alpert's section). However, these "others" or "indigenous people" are a little too (what's the word) WHITE for them to have been from Egypt or native. Their skin tone suggests to me that they are all descendants of the vessel the Black Rock, which crashed there and merged the survivors with travelers who were on the island from other visits. It's a simple theory, but it's also a simple question. We know it crashed there in the same way anything else did, so that's no mystery. Oh, one other thing: Given the time travelly nature of things, some of those original Black Rock folks may have slipped through time and be in the "present" day (or the 1970s).

That's the simple one. Theory number three: The Black Rock's crash supplied the island with an external bloodline to continue the island's population...and some of them are walking among the present day folks.

Richard Alpert

He's the hottest mystery on the island right now (and I'm not just talking about his eyeliner). He doesn't seem to age and is heavily in the know about the island. Still, the big reveal lately is that he doesn't seem to be as in the know as we may have thought. In fact, he has seemed downright confused lately. Combine this with his dark skin tone and you hit upon a theory far less stupid than the "Richard is the Four-Toed statue guy." Basically, Richard is one of the first colonists on the island. He settled in the time of the Egyptian reign and was granted pseudo-immortality due to his exposure to the island at a time when its energy was uncontained and untainted. Plus, there were less people to share the power with (nowadays they maybe just get cured of illness, whereas in the past it would have been immortality). He has no special abilities, just an understanding of the island's powers thanks to having been there for so long. Again, simplicity is the key with these theories. We know that Egyptians are involved (thanks to the Ankh symbol and the statue). We know that Richard is dark skinned and "wears eyeliner." We know that he's seemingly immortal. Add it up and you get theory number four.

Theory number four: Richard Alpert was one of the first Egyptian settlers on the island and was granted a form of immortality due to his exposure to the island's energy when it was far more potent and untapped.

Adam and Eve

This is the quickest and easiest answer of the bunch. It's not Kate and Jack. It's not Sawyer and Kate. It's not Juliet and Sawyer. It's Rose and Bernard. The truest love story on the island has always been these two. One black stone, one white stone. It's all right there. Chances are, they will retreat there shortly if they haven't already and quietly meet their fate.

Theory number five: Adam and Eve are Rose and Bernard.

The Whispers

I know I've mentioned this before but I think we already know what these whispers are. They are people who are traveling through time, watching events that they have already seen and knowing better than (or being prevented from) getting involved. When Sawyer saw Kate and Claire when Aaron was born, it drove it home to me. It makes the most sense really, as it is usually a group of voices talking and seem to come out of nowhere. Again, simple.

Theory number six: The whispers are time travelers who wish not to be seen observing situations.

Miles Straum

Miles is a surprisingly entertaining fellow. His sarcasm and "gift" are both welcome. So...we all can guess he's the son of Pierre Chang (aka Marvin Candle). Here's the thing: I think daddy's messing around with time travel is what resulted in Miles being able to "speak with the dead." Which is really an ability (in my opinion) to speak to people in the past. So far as I know (and I haven't done a thorough check) none of the "spirits" he's talked to has provided him information that they didn't gather while alive. He is able to basically project into the past long enough to ask the information he needs. He's a one man frozen donkey wheel. The show has really poo-pooed anything supernatural, so you know it isn't that he sees ghosts. He sees the past.

Theory number seven: Miles has the ability to see into and talk to people in the past.

Dr. Chang

Miles's daddy, Pierre (or Marvin Candle), is going to play a more pivotal role than most people realize. As the face of Dharma (in terms of the videos) and as a leader of the time travel aspects, it is entirely possible that Pierre is responsible for a whole host of things. We know that at the very least he knows about the future, noting that "your president is a man named George Bush" and demonstrating knowledge of future events. This means only that he talked to someone from the future (we know that's possible thanks to the castaways who should be meeting with him any day now). If the castaways return to 2008 (and I think at least some of them do), his behavior in the past knowing about the future will greatly influence how things end up. Things like the purge (which I think the castaways will end up somehow being responsible for) could be avoided or changed. To put it another way, if the butterfly effect matters, Pierre is flapping his wings hard. I don't know how to be more specific, other than to say that Pierre is going to have a vital role in influencing things on the island thanks to his knowledge of the future.

Theory number eight: Pierre's knowledge of future events will dictate how the Dharma Initiative now proceeds.

The Monster

Wow. Of all the mysteries on the show, this is the one that remains the most insane to me. Here you have a beast of some kind that can take the form of things, lives underground beneath a temple, and has been called "the security system." It isn't nanobots (as it's apparently quite old), it appears to have some kind of thought process, and it seems to be pretty vicious. I'm going to state the obvious and call it a theory: I think the monster IS the island. The "energy" that gives the island it's unique characteristics are from a sentient source and that source manifests itself as "The Monster," which is nothing more than the hands of the island itself. It lives beneath the surface because it IS the island itself. Whenever it cannot manipulate things into doing what needs to be done through circumstance and time flux, it does so in a physical fashion. That's the best I can do.

Theory number nine: The monster IS the island. It is literally it's hands.

Jacob and his cabin

By now, if you've read the blog, you know my theory is that of Doc Jensen: Jack is Jacob. I won't rehash entirely, but I think this for several reasons: (1) The story arc of the nonbeliever becoming the mysterious guiding hand for the events on the island is compelling; (2) Jack is and always has been a leader. Now that he's in the past, why would he change; (3) It would be the most surprising possibility of who is left. He has intimate knowledge of all those involved, his dad would make sense to "speak for him," and he seems to be the most important character on the show. Add it up and you get Jacob. The cabin is an interesting one, what with it hopping through different points. I think this is simply another manifestation of time. The cabin was likely built somehow "outside of time" for the purpose of keeping Jack/Jacob safe. I know Horace supposedly built it for his wife, but I think that's a load. I think he built it at Jack's behest, out of material found or made by Dharma that allowed it to sit outside of time. Knowing Jack, he would have had it made to keep someone safe. That someone I think ended up being him.

Theory number ten: Jack is Jacob and the cabin was built to keep him safely outside of time.

That's it. I know that some of these are wrong or should/can be modified, and I will over time. It was fun to at least take a stab at some of this and I wish I had more time to be more thorough. Still, for Losties out there sad that there's no episode this week, that's the best fix I could give you. See you tomorrow.

Quick clips for Wednesday March 11

We gonna do this quick-like

We're going to do something different today, because I want to and nobody ever objects or comments so I am forced to assume you all bow to my whims and are delighted...NAY, tickled by every decision I make. Here are some bullet pointed things of minor, minor interest because everybody has taken the damn week off. Seriously, is it spring break for the world and nobody told me?

• MTV.com reports that Warner Herzog, who has wrapped filming on Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call has never seen the original film. (A) He was probably too busy being shot by "minor bullets" and pulling actors-turned-beard-wearing-rappers out of burning cars and (B) maybe he didn't want to see Harvey Keitel's baby-making apparatus. Either way, he's Warner Herzog, so I don't give a Hershey toot, I'm seeing it anyway.
  
  
• Joss Whedon cast a whole bunch of good looking kids to star as the raw salmon to be ground up into salmon patties in his upcoming "horror movie to end all horror movies," which it won't be because it can't be but whatever, he gets points for Bradley Whitford usage. If you hear from any of these kids in 10 years, it will likely be as you're driving slowly down a back alley in LA and their offer will involve money and acts your wife will not perform.
  
  
• Vin Deisel is pimping another Riddick movie. I like this, but it comes from Vin Deisel, which is like listening to how awesome a politician is...from a politician. I place the chances for us seeing another Riddick movie somewhere between the odds of copulating with a unicorn and the odds of total global meltdown (which is sadly the more plausible of the two). If they do make another flick, it will be smaller, which I'm okay with. I like Riddick in smaller situations. That sounded dirty.
  
  
• Sean Penn is going to make an action movie? It's a revenge-oriented film that sees an established actor going all postal over the loss of a family member. Oh, Dammit, Neeson, look at what you've done. How is everyone not going to want to "pull a Neeson." Again, really sounds dirty.
  

That's it. That's what's happening in the world today. I could blow it up and make it sound all cool and interesting, I could expand on every one with my usual dose of whimsy and farce, but I think I'm going to pass. Instead, I'm going to save up my strength for something new tomorrow.

In the absence of a "Lost" recap (damn you ABC for reruns), I'm going to tackle some of the biggest "unsolved" questions from the show. Lostpedia.com has a slew of unsolved mysteries about the island/dharma...we're going to take on some of those.

The questions we'll be taking on are as follows:

1. The monster...WTF?
2. Infertility...WTF?
3. The cabin/Jacob...WTF?
4. The black rock...WTF?
5. Adam and Eve...WTF?
6. Walt's powers...WTF?
7. The whispers...WTF?
8. Richard Alpert...WTF?
9. Miles's abilities...WTF?
10. Dr. Pierre Chang...WTF?

I do not promise huge answers, or even correct ones, but I will take a stab at them. Look for that tomorrow. That's called previewing. Have a good day.

Quick clips for Tuesday March 10

"Without fame, this haircut just says mental illness"

I think Russell Brand is funny. I don't know that I think Russell Brand is as funny as Russell Brand thinks Russell Brand is, but that's part of his schtick, so I forgive his unrepentant narcissism. I had momentarily forgotten (A) the rumor from awhile back that Brand is rumored to be appearing in Pirates 4 opposite Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow's brother and (B) that Depp signed a contract to do more Pirates movies (I think to the tune of one billion dollars and the right of first refusal on all executive producer's first-born daughters). Thankfully, that's why the dark lord Satan produces Access Hollywood, a program fully capable of sucking worse than you remember every time you watch it. While also mentioning a Forgetting Sarah Marshall spin-off I've never heard of (an awesome idea, as he is easily the part of the movie everybody talks about and remembers), he also discussed that the rumor about his piracy was not as outlandish as it first seemed. Personally, I think that if he's in it a limited amount, I'm cool with that. However, the whole problem with the latter two films was that they spiraled out of control. They took time away from Jack to focus on the squint-off between Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom (who are likely somewhere continuing their quest to see who is prettier), which resulted in wasted screen time. Plus, I like the dynamic provided by Geoffrey Rush and Depp, whose character needs a straight guy to play off of, not another wacky dude or "adventure hero." I'm not deeply emotionally invested in the Pirates series (at least not as deeply invested as I am in "Access Hollywood"...I love you Slater I always have), but this is at least worth mentioning on one of the slower news weeks in a few months.

Rule 1 - No Alba; Rule 2 - Seriously, no effing Alba

We need another superhero franchise right now like I need to keep coughing my lungs out as I have been for a week now (seriously, I sound like I'm auditioning for a Lifetime TV movie as the "character who doesn't make it"). This is coming from a guy who has so many comics and comic-related memorabilia that guests to our home have to give me the polite "Oh, so you like comic books" look when they come in. The problem is, because Hollywood is a copycat community, they haven't figured out how to make things work within their own worlds: Everything has to be Dark Knight grim or Iron Man glossy. Still, the reality is that were any other studio than Fox Studios (hereby referred to as F**ks Studios) considering a reboot of the Fantastic Four series, as is reported by IESB, I may be interested. Why? Because they are a different kind of superhero team that may be interesting to see on the big screen. They are a "science" based group of supergoodguys. The last version, to which irreversible damage began in the casting stage, turned them into the same old thing: they used their powers to brawl with one big bad guy in a city environment for stupid reasons. The FF are at their most interesting when dealing with sci-fi laced material (invasion from parallel universes, discovering underground species, fighting against Namor and the people of Atlantis), not when they're duking it out super-hero style. We don't need another superhero franchise, but we DO need a sci-fi comic franchise. In the right hands (again, not F**ks Studios), this could be good news. Today, it is just news.

Again, I'm forced to remember the gay Hutt

MTV is announcing that a project I truly believed to be dead (the live-action "Star Wars" TV show) is proceeding to the casting stage. And the world rejoices with a collective "eh." Once upon a time, in a land called "my college days," I would use the slow-ass Internet connection in my dorms to get any tiny little shred of info about Star Wars and savor each detail like a starved prisoner offered a non-hairy cracker. After the prequels (which I still don't hate as much as everybody else), my faith was wobbly. Then came Lucas's repeated middle-fingers to the fans, his stubborn and dogged inability to let anyone else play with his toys ("I invented Star Wars, it's all MINE, MINE!!!!"), and his lack of imagination in terms of...you know what, let's just go with lack of imagination. Then there was The Clone Wars, after which I sadly gave up on the entire universe. But of all the possible ways I can see the franchise clawing its way back to a measure of respectability, the live-action TV show is one of them. Lucas is letting other writers work on the series (step one), isn't covering just "major" characters so he isn't as obsessive about the minor ones (step two), and is reportedly moving forward with his World War II airplane movie, so may not be as involved (step three). As the old adage goes, if you love something, let it free. If Lucas has any shred of brains or dignity left, he'll realize that he cannot fix what he has broken, that healing will have to be done by any one of the legion of die-hard fans who have become filmmakers after being inspired by Star Wars and who have within them the ability to make me care about this franchise again. I say that I've given up on the universe, but at the first sign of rebirth, I'll be back with about a thousand of my friends. So, come on, let this be the first step.

Quick clips for Monday March 9

Nothing happened this weekend in the whole world

Now, Mondays tend to be slow news days...but not a damn thing happened over the weekend. As far as I can conclude, the universe stopped entirely. Now, this could be a direct result over Dakota Fanning having been cast as a vampire in the next Twilight movie, effectively shifting the earth off its axis and sending us into a phantom netherworld in which there is only suffering and no interesting news. I'm not 100% sure. What I do know is that, other than the world violently debating which direction the thumb should point on Watchmen (up, UP DAMMIT) and other than the media somehow determining that Watchmen grossing more than Batman Begins and Superman Returns did in their opening weekends despite being rated R, sporting a running time of just about 3 hours, and having no major iconic characters to create interest, nobody is talking about anything. Nobody is rumoring anything about anyone doing anything. Period. It is as if the world has briefly paused to let me rest. This is a good thing, because for the second consecutive Monday, my body and I are locked in an argument of whether or not death is a viable option. So, sorry those who are wishing for several posts of whimsy and news, no soup for you.

Weekend box office results: Oh, God no...BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTT!!!!!

Seriously? I somehow have to include the movie that shall not be named in this column again? I hate everything.

Watchmen "underperformed" according to everyone in the world, which is bullcrap. I know that I had a higher estimate, but that doesn't mean I was right. Buying into the hype and marketing doesn't mean that the movie failed or flopped. For the love of God, it is an adaptation of a comic that's 23 years old, features no characters anyone has ever heard of, features a naked blue guy's wang and meat cleavers to the head, and somehow did over $50 million. Oh, and its running time is somewhere between bladder stretching and bladder bursting, so it had less showings. In my book, this is a win. It's going to more than make its money back given worldwide box office and merchandising and we got a Watchmen movie, which at the very least gets that monkey off of comic fans' back.

Here are the results:

1.) The Watchmen - $55.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

I can't wait to talk to people who saw this and never read the comic. I haven't had that pleasure yet and am insanely curious. Also, the world has come to bury a film that has ZERO competition this weekend, unless you think there's a particularly huge overlap between fans of Disney movies and fans of R-rated, nudity-filled, blood-covered action movies. I think it will be just fine.

For the rest of the movies, I'm doing haikus.

2.) Madea Goes to Jail - $8.8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

A hundred million?
For a Tyler Perry film?
Wow. I do not care.

3.) Taken - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Liam Neeson kills
both bad guys and box office.
Can we be done now?

4.) Slumdog Millionaire - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 66%)

Best Picture winner
made insane amount of dough.
Nothing more to say.

5.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $4.2 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Why, God? Why do this?
Haven't I been a good man?
Please no Paul Blart 2.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 67%

I fail every time
but try very hard to be right.
That counts for something?

Friday free-for-all

For my friend, new "Musch"

Being the mainstream hack that I am, there are just some artistic filmmakers whose work tends to be a bit beyond me (even though I can see the innate coolness). Jim Jaramusch has always been one of those guys for me. Oh, sure I liked Ghost Dog, but you show me what red-blooded (or green-blooded for that matter) American wouldn't be clamoring for Forrest Whitaker as an urban samurai? That shit just makes good sense. But then you get to Dead Man, with Johnny Depp, and you leave me going "um, cool? Is that...is that what I'm supposed to say?" That said, my friend Andrew, who coined the best nickname Jim Jaramusch never knew he had "The Musch," does genuinely like the guy. So, for him, I send everyone to the place he's probably already been because he reads Chud.com too. At Apple, they have a preview for The Limits of Control, a title which sounds like the name of a local slam poetry girl's chapbook. Among the stars whose names have so many accent marks they read like a wild punctuation war, it also features Bill Murray and Tilda Swinton (whose appearance frightens me...sometimes I find her attractive, which makes me question my sexuality). Oh, sure, it looks like a good movie, one I'm definitely interested in seeing, but I just know that this linear trailer was hobbled together with the intent to sucker guys like me into the theater and, once inside, the mental oddities begin. Or I could be misreading it and this actually will just be a good movie that I like. We'll see, I didn't scope any Whitaker swordplay, so I'm on the fence.

Weekend battle plan: If you need me to help you with this one, please don't breed or vote

You're going to see Watchmen this weekend. You know it, I know it (or maybe I just know it and you will find that out later...blew your mind there didn't I?). The question is really only two-fold (one could argue that means there are two questions, but I like to think of it merely as a question with two heads): Why are you seeing it and how many times? I'm curious the number of people who are going to see it who HAVEN'T read the novel. I know there's got to be a decent number, but how many? 10% of the audience? More? If it is more than that, we're going to be talking about an epic weekend. On the other hand, if the R rating is prohibitive to young viewers (the same ones who wouldn't have been exposed to the novel as readily), this could actually dramatically underperform, leaving Warner Bros scrambling to cover their exposed blue wang. As for the second question, it's really more about staying power. Will the fanboys excited to see this thing go multiple times? If it's anything like the novel, you can't read the damn thing once and expect to know one effing thing that happens. Will the die-hards be enthused enough to give repeat business, or will they be satisfied digging into the supplemental material they didn't read the first time they read the book (come on, we all know you at least skipped "Under the Hood"). Or, worst case scenario, will the squid-less conclusion leave them so jaded they provide BAD word of mouth and the thing implodes? My bet, somewhere in between. It will likely neither under nor over perform. It will be dead on predictions. Oh, and see it in IMAX either the first or second time, you'll be even more amazed. For better, for worse, Watchmen is in theaters today. That's effing cool.

That's my suggestion: Go see Watchmen. Then see it again.

On DVD: On the radio show this morning, I informed the world that my wife loved Australia because she thought Hugh Jackman was "yummy." I got an angry phone call minutes later, during which time I was informed that (A) she did NOT "LOVE" Australia, she simply enjoyed it immensely because it had ponies and Hugh Jackman who was (B) not "yummy" but "dreamy." So there you have it, my wife suggests Australia because of Hugh "Dreamy" Jackman and ponies. I recommend you go see Watchmen.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If I miss number one this week, I want you to shoot me in the face. Oh, no, that's not an exaggeration. I will leave this as a public (well, public if anybody reads it) will and testament that if I do not accurately predict the number one film this week (meaning the film's position, not dollar amount, I want to live dammit) that anyone may shoot me in the face. The face. Honest. I need a nice slow-pitch every once and awhile and this is a meatball right over the plate. The key will be figuring out the dollar totals, which I have seen as high as $80 million (preposterous!) to as low as $35 million (absurd!). Somewhere in between is the key. But where? WHERE in the middle dammit?! Oh, and look for me to biff the final film again. Seriously, I'm open to suggestion, should I start doing four films or ten? I can't decide, but five is killing me accuracy wise.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Watchmen - $65 million

I can see it going as high as $75 million but no higher (mostly due to the three hour running time). The price should be inflated by some IMAX numbers (like The Dark Knight was). Mostly, I'm just curious for the public's word to get out. Roger Ebert wrote a kick-ass review today, showing why he's the best there is at what he does (suck it Wolverine), and he's a decent barometer for me. I'm wondering if mainstream, nonreaders of the material will embrace it or be turned off by its pomp and running time. It really is fascinating to see.

2.) Slumdog Millionaire - $9 million

Well, Watchmen won't be stealing a lot of this audience. The totals are inching higher and higher for this little film that could. $300 million worldwide is possible. Yowza.

3.) Madea Goes to Jail - $8 million

I really just don't have much more to offer on this. The total will hit around $75 million, with steep declines the next few weeks it should finish in the $80s, which is impressive. But I'm really done being impressed and just want this to go away.

4.) Taken - $7.5 million

Okay, enough already Neeson, leave some for others.

5.) The Jonas Brothers - $7 million

When you're second fiddle to Miley Cyrus, the only answer is taking your own life on the end of a sword. Get to it boys.

Quick clips for Thursday March 5

This is not a movie rumor post, deal with it

I had one of "those" nights last night. You know the ones, where it seems like the universe has designed elaborate plans to crush your spirit like the frail bones of a 90-year-old in an MMA ring with a dude named "Rampage." You know how it goes: There are wonderful simple pleasures in life that, when you are attuned to them, make the practice of living a work of art unto itself. However, the days when you are attuned to them are not common, and most weeks are endured more than celebrated. This is a week I was just trying to get through, culminating in a stressful weekend (preceded by a stressful weekend) and spanned by a week of being under-the-weather, grumpy about work developments, troubled by car problems (hers, not mine, but still), and generally just flippin' turd-esque. My bright spot? Wednesday. See, I was going to be able to go see Watchmen early then come home and watch "Lost." Two great things in one awesome evening. Except, the email I got regarding the press screening specified Wednesday March 3 (TUESDAY was March 3), so I arrived a mere 24 hours late for Watchmen (hello midnight showing, goodbye sleep). So, I tried in vein to reach my wife at work, no luck. Tried everyone else in the planet she was with, but their location was one place the Verizon bastards fear. So, set about doing a task to prepare for this weekend...a task I spent 2 hours doing somewhat incorrectly. No worries though, when my wife got home, it was "Lost" time. Except, the DVR managed to record "Lost" from 8 pm to 8 pm. Why this happened, I'll never know, other than someone wants to see what a Ryan explodified looks like. I head over to ABC.com and they didn't have the episode up yet. Magnifico! I was so insanely angry, I couldn't sleep. I am still fighting an illness, which used the opportunity of my rage to move directly into my chest cavity, so it now feels like Willow from the George Lucas movie is inside my sternum attempting to copulate with my larynx. Now, I got to see "Lost" this morning on ABC.com, before taking my wife's car into the shop (for what I'm sure will be an insanely cheap little repair), so that problem is solved...but really all of this got me thinking about what movies/TV/music/sports/entertainment/writing as a whole does for me and for all of us. Life is a collection of moments and memories, but those tend to be punctuations on monotony or interruptions in labor. We need these distractions, diversions, whimsical affinities to give us respite in otherwise so-so time spans. They are stop-gaps for the things that matter, not replacements for them. I often get accused by people (cough, my wife, cough) for being "only" excited about these aforementioned interruptions, but that's not true. It's just that I see the value in their purpose. This is a long way around me saying, enjoy your movies this week. Enjoy "30 Rock" and "The Office" tonight (even if they're repeats, I haven't checked). Enjoy the CD you're listening to right now. Enjoy this blog. Because the universe may strip it all from you in one night to teach you some lesson that you still don't understand.

Kevin Smith branches out (until he runs like a schoolgirl)

So, the rumor the last few days is that Kevin Smith is going to direct a movie for a major studio starring Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis as cops and that he didn't write this script. To be honest, I read it about 3 days ago and didn't move on it. Why? Well, it isn't because I'm not hopeful fatty is getting his act together and trying to see what he can do behind a camera with someone else's words (for God's sake, he's willing to star in Catch and Release to probe his acting skills but has yet to direct another man's script, where's the logic in that?). Zack and Miri convinced me that Smith is at his end as a writer, at least in terms of coming up with viable stories in that ilk (perhaps he could spice up some dialogue in someone else's script...he's crying out for a "&" credit on a screenplay). I like that he's exploring the possibility that he's a good director who doesn't realize it. So why did I wait? Well, because I wanted to see if he'd immediately back out. I love the guy, I have since I was a teenager, but he's a coward about his craft. He never ventures into uncharted waters, he refuses to try really new and different things, and I just honestly expected that by today we'd have heard he's off the project. It still may happen, but I hope it doesn't. See, A Couple of Dicks or A Couple of Cops, which I'm hearing it's going to be called now, sounds awful, with Morgan and Willis as cops chasing down a stolen baseball card or something. I don't care. I don't care that it may be stupid or idiotic, I care that he's trying to stretch himself a bit. Shit, if Blart can make a gazillion dollars, why can't a comedy with Willis directed by Smith that happens to be one correct SAT answer away from Forrest Gump not be popular? I want to see him push himself, even with dreck. Sadly, I don't see this project ever happening. It's as fleeting as love between reality television stars. I hope I'm wrong (about the movie, I don't care who Brett Michaels is getting herpes from), but I don't think so.

Lost recap: Top 5 all time

Having finally gotten to watch "LaFleur," I've decided that I need to start predicting a bad episode every time, as both times I said it, the show ended up freaking awesome. "LaFleur" was so awesome that it made my top 5 all time "Lost" episodes. I think it clocks in at the bottom of that list, but it still definitely made it. Why? Because it had all 5 elements that I need from an episode of this show:

1.) Mythology expansion (cool four-toed statue shown in the first teaser, Richard's involvement, time travel alterations, etc)
2.) Character evolution (it's one thing to see Sawyer as self-sacrificing, like jumping out of the helicopter, but he's had a death wish for ages and, now that he's avenged his family, nothing to live for...seeing him living for something, with a routine, in a positive way, that's evolution of character)
3.) Surprises (the freaking "3 Years Later" tag was awesome)
4.) Action (multiple gunshots, true tension with babies being born and so forth)
5.) Heart (the romance in this was really tender)

This is why this is my favorite show on TV. My favorite episode, "The Constant," also had all of those elements in it. No other show on TV besides "Battlestar Galactica" can deliver all of those things. Mmmm, mmm good.

So, let's get to some recapping and some thoughts, shall we non-speaking readers?

1.) Show opens with Miles, Juliet, Sawyer, and Jin where Locke went down the well (wow, weird sentence). The look up, see the four-toed statue, which may or may not be Horus. Check this image out:

The whole episode was worth it for this image. Coolness, huh? Horus or Anubis seem to work, given the images of them elsewhere. I'm actually leaning Anubis because she was the guardian of the underworld. Fascinating stuff. It makes sense that Egyptians would have found this place, given their obsession with all things cool. Flash forward three years. WHAT?! That's awesome. So now we know that the same time passed on and off the island before the Oceanic Six returned (only Sawyer's scooby gang was in 1974-1977). We see that Sawyer is now called LaFleur, that he's the head of security, that Horace Goodspeed is in charge (he built the cabin that Jacob now "uses" and saved Ben's life in Portland as a newborn!), and that a woman named Amy is about to have a baby on the island. Blerg!

2.) Back in the past (or more past, past...let's just go with 1974), the scooby gang walks into a holdup by "hostiles" (or others or Richard's people) about to do bad things to a Dharma girl named Amy...the same Amy who is having a baby by Horace in 3 years time. Juliet, looking mighty tasty in this episode if I do say so myself, has Sawyer's back and the two of them save Amy. Right then, I bought Juliet and Sawyer as a couple. Honest. They work great together and make a surprising amount of sense. He's never satisfied, she's never satisfied, they both have nothing. It works. Anyway, Amy takes them to the sonic fence, dupes them, and brings them to Horace. Then Sawyer gets to get his con man on, convincing Ho-ho that he and the gang washed up on a salvage boat (looking for The Black Rock...nice touch Saw-dog...it's that crap that this show does so well, that IS the sort of thing a good con man throws in, just enough info to make it seem real). Then Dick Alpert shows up, Sawyer calls him "eyeliner" (which I SWEAR TO GOD was a joke and not a clue to Alpert's Egyptian origins, which may be true but is not related to God having given him thick eyelashes), and then Sawyer does his SECOND bad ass trick of the night, turning the tables on Dickie. By telling him the truth ("did you bury the bomb with Jughead written on it?" "Bald dude who visited you, his name was Locke" etc), he convinced him that the Dharma boys didn't violate a truce. They gave him the dead Dharma guy's body, everybody's happy.

3.) In 1977, Juliet is forced out of retirement as a mechanic to deliver a baby...which she does successfully. This is one of the 3 or 4 moments that propelled this episode to the top for me. The look on her face, the pure joy in having delivered that child is just awesome. The question is obviously now, why can they have babies on the island? Horace mentioned other women were taken off the island on the submarine to have babies, so why did this work? Sawyer suggested because "whatever causes the problem hasn't happened yet" but that can't be true, can it? We then see Sawyer and Juliet living in bliss, a truly gorgeous moment that melted my heart. Say what you will about Kate/Jack/Sawyer/Juliet, this pairing works just as well as the Kate/Jack pairing. I hope they have the stones to leave it this way and that the return of Kate is just a test for the now reformed Sawyer, one that he passes (I hope). Yeah, we end with the reunion of 3 of the Oceanic 6 (where's SAYID DAMMIT?!).

Okay, many, many thoughts. First, I love the Egyptian stuff, from the statues to the Ankh. Love it. Second, I am really thinking the Jack as Jacob thing is going to pan out. Third, are Locke and the others on Ajira in 1977 or 2008? I can't decide what I think. I know that they saw the boats on the beach that the Sawyer scooby gang raced off in, but that was during a flash, so I'm not sure when that was. Fourth, the whole Charolette as a kid thing is dumb. Hate it. Let her go. Fifth, is the "War" that Widmore talked about The Purge? I mean, that wasn't really a war. But if Locke is back in the past and Widmore knew that Locke was going to be the leader and was important, wouldn't it stand to reason that he figures prominently in the PAST of the others? The theory that Locke is Jacob is still in tact for now. Sixth, I love the time loopiness of all of this. I think that the reason these people are so important to this island is because of what they did with Dharma and...I'll go one step further and call this one a Full Fledged Theory - Scary I know. Okay, I think that things ARE different now. That the reason that a baby was born is because the Oceanic gang is setting things right in the past, correcting a decades old problem. They're going to complete the Dharma Initiative's mission, to save the world. They're going to use the island's healing properties and make some kind of significant contribution that they could only have done by going back to this point and time. Basically, the cast of "Lost" were the course correction for the island. That's my theory.

Wow, we have no new episode next week, so check back on Thursday for some more fun and theorizing. Good episode gang.

Quick clips for Wednesday March 4

Hey, nerds, you finally have a reason to want Megan Fox

With a hotness burning so bright, many heterosexual women are in love with her, Megan Fox didn't really need to do anything to endear herself to the male nerd population, whose primary requirement for females to be attractive is having most of the appropriate anatomy. Still, Fox apparently thinks she needs to endear herself to us...I MEAN, them. She has announced that she's going to star in Jonah Hex, a film quickly shaping up to be one of my most anticipated, as it stars John Malkovich as the bad guy and Josh "Kissieface" Brolin as a Western gunslinger with a messed-up mug. Don't feel to bad about his face though, his character will be doinking Fox's character (oh, and in real life, Brolin doinks Diane Lane). Although I've never (nor will I ever) read a "Jonah Hex" comic, I'm thrilled by the casting and the potential uniqueness of this project. On the other hand, Fox's second announcement (she's starring in Fathom, a comic book purchased solely because the guy drawing it designed spectacular 2D gazongas) is not as cool. As near as I can tell from walking quickly by the book in the comic book shop, the film is about an underwater chick who doesn't wear a lot of clothes. Wait, I'm complaining why? See, when it was a comic book and people were buying it to do to themselves what their mom's try hard to deny acknowledging, it seemed sad. But Megan Fox is a real person, with a pulse and everything. Thus, it is infinitely less depressing to think of seeing this movie solely because she's going to be all scantily clad and wet throughout. Right now, every single actor in Hollywood is trying to get on set. Seriously, I heard the straight one from the CW show just agreed to be a gaffer if he gets to be on set. Kidding, there's no straight guy on a CW show.

Existential gamesmanship

I am mystified by Monopoly...the movie, not the game, the game just depresses me because of how badly I suck at it (seriously, I used to think it was just luck, but my 0 for lifetime achievement leads me to believe I am either cursed by Milton Bradley or doing something wrong). The movie is engaging to me because of shit like the following: In an interview with MTV.com (which I found excerpted on Chud.com), the executive producer Brian Goldner said this, "[Ridley Scott]’s built these great big worlds of imagination. Combine that with Pamela Pettler who’s writing this great script about real people kind of playing a real-life game of ‘Monopoly,’ not the board game, although they’re icons of the game. And then you really get the idea why this story could make sense right now.” Was that English? To quote Brian Michael Bendis, who said the following in response to a particularly nonsensical email he received, "I know what all of those words mean individually, but I have no idea what they mean arranged like that." The phrase "although they're icons of the game" makes the least sense to me. If I'm reading this right now, I'm honestly picturing a dog and a car talking about the financial markets while moving full-size humans around in a life-size board game. If that's what this is about, I'm there. Wait, it gets better, as Scott chimed in with "We have identified a pretty good story and it is fundamentally a movie, not a game, probably describing in a way the characters in the film, the passion of the game, and how the game came about.” Well, thank God you identified a "pretty good story." Lord knows you should make the movie even if the best you can do is "pretty good." Also, thank God that the movie is fundamentally a movie and not a game. WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN? Is this about the origins of the game Monopoly? What the hell is going on? If I find out there's a Charlie Kaufman script floating around for this, it will all make sense. Otherwise, I think Russell Crowe tried to eat Ridley and now he's tripping balls out of fear.

Lost Predictions: "LaFleur"

After the quick jump to where we should be (all of the Oceanic Six finally in the same space and time...crap, well, at least the same place), methinks this episode will be more character-based than story advancing, which is a phrase often reviled by most "Lost" fans. Don't get me wrong, when they managed to do both at the same time is when the show proves itself to be one of the best ever. However, beyond the first season (with some notable exceptions like "The Constant"), they usually work on the playground sharing method of episode selection (one for you, one for me). Now, you could argue that last week's episode was all character-based (it was), but I think that since it was just focused on Locke, we're going to get another one. In other words, this is going to be a dreaded "walking through the jungle" episode, where nobody asks the questions you want asked while talking about shit in a circuitous and pointless fashion. Sorry. Oh, one more thought before we dive into the predicting this week: Doc Jensen (yes, I'm mentioning him again, I plug because you should read) seems hung up on what I thought was an obvious fact. He spent almost all of his column this week focusing on why Ben killed Locke after convincing him not to kill himself. To me, there's no theory needed: Ben didn't know how to get back to the island successfully. He would have done so otherwise. He didn't know what the "next step" was because he was out of the island loop. He followed Locke around, hoping to follow him back to the island. When he saw him about to off himself, he figured he'd be screwed getting to the next step. He helped Locke down, got the answers he needed, and then offed him so he couldn't return to the island as a hero. In other words, he didn't know he'd come back to life, he killed him because he had all he needed from him and he was going to be a threat to his return to leadership. I mean, was this not obvious? He killed Locke after getting the ring and the name Ms. Hawkings, so he knew what to do next. I assume that's that. Anyway.

Predictions for "LaFleur":

1.) No smokey, which sucks. The reality is, we can't sustain interest in that part of the mystery (one of my favorites) with all the fits and starts. Why not give us some further advancement on that issue spaced out over a few episodes and not once a bloody season. Just sayin'.

2.) Sun and Sayid (who are separated from Jack, Kate, and Hurley) are in a different time period than the others. The others are in the past (Dharma-era), but Sun and Sayid are stuck in the Locke time frame with Ben and the rest of Ajira air. This is going to make a reunion particularly tough. I could be really wrong here, but that's why I think they didn't end up where the others were. Ooooh, that or....Okay, you know how they're acting like mirror images of what happened the first time the plane crashed...maybe Sayid and Sun are representing the "tail section" crew and were separated for that reason. See what I did there, I gave you two predictions for the price of one (even though they can't both come true).

3.) Sawyer and Kate will not kiss upon being reunited. I know that there's a legion of people out there who want to see Sawyer and Kate end up together (and being that Sawyer is obviously the Han Solo of the show and Kate is the Leia, this is reasonable and cool), but I think she's really decided Jack is the way to go...for now. My overall prediction (keeping in line with the whole Jack is Jacob theory) is that when Jack decides to stay in the past next season and run the show from behind the scene, it's going to free the two of them to be together. Weird, but could happen. Oh, and there was a flurry of rumors that Kate was going to be offed this season because somebody said they heard Evangeline Lilly (totally on "my list") is auditioning for pilots next season. This is untrue and stupid.

4.) Sayid won't kill anybody, but if he sees Ben boy will he want to. Also, I think we're going to get our first clues about the two newbies on the island (Cesar and the other chick whose name I can't remember). Methinks they know more than they're leading on, but not a lot. Basically, I think they're Widmore employees who only know part of the story (that they're supposed to get those people on that plane, etc). Remember though, the chick's odds don't look good, if they were mirror images for other people on the original flight and she was the mimic of the Marshall...she may be Niki and Paolo food soon.

5.) We're going to see Christian tonight. I think he's going to become a bigger and bigger part of the show. This is a good thing because I think it adds to the overall feel of the mythology.

That's all I got gang. Not a particularly thrilling episode as far as I can figure (even the title is ho hum). That said, it's "Lost," and the worst episode still satisfies every part of me.

Quick clips for Tuesday March 3

She already done been let in

Ahhhh, remakes. Never before has there been a word so reviled by certain portions of the movie-viewing community (although box office returns indicate that they are reviled slightly less than their willingness to pay money to see said remakes). As I mentioned previously, part of me "gets" remakes. We have better technology for effects, the product has a built-in curiosity about what it would look like re-envisioned, and really it's no different than when they bring back Broadway revivals, Shakespeare performances, or literary works that pick up on variations of age old themes. Really, what I'm saying is: I have no problem with them if they are good and are handled by good people. If they suck and are handled by sucky people, then they shouldn't exist. Or, to put it another way, White Girls was an original film. Now, the real remake problem I have is the foreign language-to-English remakes. Why? Because they are often (A) modern enough to not need tech updates, (2) already capable of satisfying curiosity of peeps who are interested, and (C) are not revivals, reimaginings, or variations on a theme. They are usually just the same thing in a different language, often with shittier actresses (I'm looking at you, Alba). Thus, it is with great meh that I present the news that Let the Right One In, a film so subtle and nuanced that it was number 2 on my top 10 LAST YEAR, is going to officially be remade in the US this year. Starting in May, Matt Reeves (who directed Cloverfield) is going to direct his own script adaptation and is going to call it Let Me In, because apparently the former title was too verbose? Now, before you panic, this is the director who did The Pallbearer with David Schwimmer and they are looking to really hammer home the underlying themes (because that's what you do with underlying themes...you overlie them). No cast yet (but you can all make guesses), but that matters little. Personally, I think this is one of those rare films that is so sparse with its spoken dialogue that the foreign language actually AIDS in my appreciation for the film. I won't go on a rant about people who refuse to watch films in other languages or my nausea about this project. Hell, I have to see it just to know how it compares. Still, I can hate the concept even if I don't hate the final project, so hate the concept I do.

Road music

Ben is a huge Nick Cave fan. I am decidedly less so, although I do think the dude is crazy talented (emphasis on crazy, as he currently looks like a menacing version of a Village Person) and I appreciate his music more than I listen to it. So, it is with him in mind that I present the following news: Cave and Warren Ellis have let slip their first clip from their score of the upcoming adaptation of The Road. It is available at the 3:30 mark of this clip from the BBC here. I think that I like Cave the film composer far more than Cave the freak-my-ass-out singer/rocker. He manages tones that are simultaneously shiver-inducing and beautiful, which I know was the feel he was always going for with his music but seems effortless here. Every time you mention The Road, you have to then ask when the hell you're going to see it. Popular thought says that if they think Oscar is possible, Harvey Weinstein (who used girth and girth alone to get Winslet her award for the craptacutasic The Reader) may hold that sucker until the bitter end of the year. I am okay with that, as my eager anticipation is usually fairly balanced against my passion for having sci-fi-tinged elements win Academy Awards (a passion deferred year after year). Allow me to further extrapolate: What does a Nick Cave Oscar acceptance speech look like? Or a Warren Ellis one (I had to wikipedia to prove to myself that he wasn't the comic book writer of the same name, Ben assured me he wasn't and likened him to an Australian Mountain Man. I can see it)? At any rate, the music is purty and I'm excited.

UPDATE: Ben instantly dialed up the Nick Cave portion of his brain and provided us with this:

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

There's what a Nick Cave speech looks like. I only hope that it gets weirder from there.

That sound you heard is a million nerds crying out at once

See what I did there? I used a Star Wars quotation to introduce a Star Trek news bite. I'm subversive like that. Anyhoo, these guys wisely tripped up a panel of people working on the latest Star Trek movie by asking them a question. Wow. They are good. More or less, you can assume that you are going to see the wrinkled, shiny dome of Jean-Luc and the inexplicably craggy faced Data (he's a robot, WTF) appearing in the new film briefly. Whether or not The Shat patched things up enough to get hisself in there, you're going to have other cast members from other series show up, which hopefully satisfies the blood lust of fans disgusted by JJ Abram's intent to make this series action-packed and interesting. I know, how dare he add fun elements or whimsy to a series that deals with the grim realities of people with effed up foreheads and ridiculous ears. I do like that it appears JJ is trying to placate continuity hacks and fanboys, if only because he is rumored to have more of a role in "Lost" during the final season and I hope he shows those same concerns. If nothing else, all Trekkie (Trekker, Trekkite, whatevers) should be happy that he's likely going to pump tons of money and interest back in the franchise's coffers. You may just get a new crappy TV series on the CW out of this!

Quick clips for Monday March 2

Malickasaurus

When Zack Snyder had nipple-bearing, six-pack owning, slo-mo-moving warriors kick each other in the junk in 300, he was labeled a "visionary director" (presumably because he also included female nurples and techno music). Watchmen may change things, but as of now, he is not a "visionary director." Terrance Malick, now that's a visionary director. Sure, he can sometimes turn the most interesting of events (say, the arrival in America by Europeans or, you know, world war) into an overlong and monotonous exploration that puts you into a waking coma, but he can also make pretty things happen on screen. To me, he's a less talented, less linear Stanley Kubrik. And now he's going to make a movie with dinosaurs and Brad Pitt. This is good news to Shirley Jenkins from Holtsville, Utah, who has spent the better part of the last decade formulating her "Brad Pitt riding a pterodactyl fantasy." The movie is called The Tree of Life and also features Sean Penn, even though nobody's really sure what the sam hell is happening in the movie. Presumably, it follows a guy remembering his childhood in the 1950s. How giant CGI dinosaurs figure into that is beyond my mere mortal understanding. Oh, and the dinosaurs are going to be in IMAX, which is cool, but also weird. I'm guessing they will appear briefly and will be used to sell the movie hard, only to the disappointment of a legion of 10-year-olds who show up to a placid, plodding investigation of the evolution of human emotion for 35 seconds of stegosaurus fun. I may sound grumpy, but I'm actually quite intrigued. Had a dinosaur showed up and eaten Christian Bale's character in Malick's last film, The New World, it would have been the greatest thing that ever happened to me with my clothes on.

I will only see Cloverfield 2 if they, you know, make it

Welcome to Monday news, our weekly edition of making something out of nothing. This weekend, while at some nerd convention somewhere discussing his new Star Trek movie, JJ Abrams was asked about Cloverfield, the best movie to ever give me the bends. Without one shred of actual information, Abrams sent the online community ablaze with news that they are in fact considering a sequel, they do have an idea, and that idea is (brace yourself) "awesome." Oh. My. God. No wonder I have read the story in four different places (now five)! I mean, he didn't provide a time frame for production, any hint as to what that "awesome" idea involves, cast hints, or any tangible news whatsoever, so how could we not repeat this non-news? Shout it from the rooftops: "JJ Abrams MAY produce a sequel to the Godzilla-inspired shaky cam movie!" Joking aside, I actually really liked the first film, and if they did a second, I would totally see it. But I'm unclear how they want to proceed. You could go one of four ways as I see it: (1) You could keep in the same, serious vein and follow another "occurrence" somewhere else. A rural community or some other location. Basically, you'd repeat the same thing. Not as cool. (2) You could go the 28 Weeks Later route and skip ahead to the full-on military assault. Take it beyond the events of the last film and go into some kind of war. Like Aliens to Alien. (3) You could take the same event from a different perspective, go with the military assault that we watched only from the perspective of the soldiers. Again, covering the same ground. Or (4), my personal favorite, you follow the Godzilla mold as suggested by Devin at Chud.com and make a mecha-cloverfield monster to fight the cloverfield monster. If that gets announced, I'm going to do nothing but blog about it until I'm watching it. Be prepared.

Weekend Box Office results: Damn you, Jonai. Damn you to hell.

Another week, another soul-crushing defeat. The combined weight of Madea sitting on my face, the Jonai collectively getting their suck on in 3D, and He's Just Not That Into You still commanding feminine attention led to a week that I'm going to go ahead and call my worst ever. Oh, I may have had worse numbers, but I have never been MORE wrong. From top to bottom, I was pretty much a wreck, making this recap like self-flagellation (which is not what you think it means). I would promise to do better next week but I don't think lying will really help my position very much.

Here are the results:

1.) Madea Goes to Jail - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Doing the math, this thing will tumble harder next week (Watchmen consumes all), meaning the final gross will likely be around $75-80 million. The production budget is well less than half of that. This now means that you can add seeing a Tyler Perry produced film to your signs of seasonal change. The man is officially a mogul. Actually, if his getting his own studio would mean he could use his smarts to get high-grossing films in WITHOUT saturating the market with his mediocre-writing, I'm in.

2.) The Jonas Brothers 3D - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 35%)

Look, Jonai, I don't know how to tell you this exactly but...I think it's over. I mean, it's not you, it's the fact that you are talentless little weird looking kids, and the girls of the world have figured that out. The sight of you in 3D was apparently more repellent to them than Miley Cyrus. MILEY CYRUS. Have you seen her smile? Okay, so you're probably going to want to go right into reality television of some kind or get to starting that drug habit so you can do a tell-all in a few years.

3.) Slumdog Millionaire - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Well deserved. I've run out of nice things to say. What? It's been 10 weeks on the charts and I'm not usually a nice person.

4.) Taken - $9.9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 73%)

Wow. Already $108 million and having only a 12% dip this week. Wow. Watchmen should kill future business but, again, this is the fifth week of release and I thought they would do this much opening weekend. I also have nothing else to say about this film.

5.) He's Just Not That Into You - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Repellent film, repellent result. I'm done with this week, K?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 58%

I know, okay, I know. Happy Monday to you too, world.