Quick clips for Thursday October 9
I trust Theedge-4 more than "Wireless" magazine
Okay, so I don't fool myself into believing that what I do as a movie critic is, say, as important as what all firefighters, most lawyers, some politicians, and one or two good hairdressers do, but it has to be worth something, right? I mean, over the years, I've reviewed something like 500 movies and paid an outrageous amount of money to get two English degrees...so my writing on film has to have at least some measure of value and entertainment...doesn't it? I only ask because, apparently, Disney is looking to replace me (a guy who has never been on a movie poster EVER, despite having given slobbery kiss-kiss reviews to many, many motion pictures) with the dude who smells like cheese in the video store while telling you that "Robocop 3 is totally underrated." Don't believe me? Well, the "Daily Telegraph" in the UK is reporting that Disney is using blog quotes from IMDB.com to promote The Boy in the Striped Pajamas...despite having gotten good reviews from actual critics who don't, you know, still live with mum and da. It's one thing when quotewhores like Peter Travers from "Rolling Stone" or whatever dirtbag they unearth to rave about Scary Movie 12 at "Wireless Magazine" get on a poster, at least they are paid professionals and not Internet ghosts. Seriously, Travers may be a hack, but he's still got decent opinions and has at least seen a large number of movies; all we know about Theedge-4, which (hand to God) is the name of the "critic" Disney used for the poster, is that he can surf the Internet and (not making this up) also gave a positive review to The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Sigh. It's getting hard enough to defend the existence of movie critics in this world without reducing what we do to pulling quotations to praise your movie from the dregs of society. This is actually worse than just making things up (which also has been the case). Clearly, someone thinks critics are important enough to put quotations from them on posters in the first place, so I guess that's something.
Don't let this keep you from the Spiderman musical
In the scorecard of life, Julie Taymor is still playing with house money. Sure, she made Across the Universe, but she also made Titus and is working on a Spiderman musical (heart...bursting...through...chest...as...dreams...come...true) with U2 (euphoria overwhelming, life complete, reaching nirvana is pretty cool). So, at this point, she could beat my mom with a jackhammer and still be considered pretty decent in my book...which is why the fact that she's turning her attention to my hands-down favorite Shakespeare work could result in my exploration of polygamy. The Hollywood Reporter is...reporting (hadn't gone to that well in awhile) that the genius woman is switchin' up the gender of Prospero so that Helen Mirren (she of questionable recommendations for drug use and inappropriate suggestions about violence against women) can step into the role. Also joining her will be Djimon Hounsou, Russell Brand, Alfred Molina, and, possibly, Geoffrey Rush. All of those names sound just fine to me. The important thing is that she bring the same blend of visual vibrancy and emotional resonance that she was able to capture with Titus. Aw, hell, the truth is she had me as soon as this thing was announced. Who cares if her budget for Spiderman: The Musical is reportedly topping out at over $1 million a week to put on, who cares if her last movie was a colossal misfire, I'm still gonna find a way to show my love to that woman for all she's doing (so far my symbol of affection is a giant, paper-mache likeness of her, despite never having seen her).
DC is green with envy
The only Green Lantern I've ever sworn my allegiance to was a steakhouse in Decatur, Nebraska. So, when I heard news from the Latino Review that Ryan Gosling was going to play the Green Lantern, I thought "how in the hell is he going to play an entire restaurant." Turns out, they mean the comic book character, who is nowhere near as tasty or appetizing as the prime rib served at the aforementioned establishment (which sadly burned down...I'm now theorizing that was the work of a supervillian who hated good food). It's still a rumor at this point (about Gosling in the movie, not about the restaurant), but it sounds reasonable. Gosling is actually a very, very good actor and certainly looks the part. Plus, I'm told the ladies consider him to be an appropriate dining surface (at least, that's what I figured the gals meant when they talked about eating something off of him). The thing is, this signals a good turn for the DC characters who, in the last few years (save a Batman), have been woefully inadequate and altogether absent on screen. Cast a moderately known but talented actor, make it fantasy-based but real, and focus more on story and character than cramming in effects (but not to the degree of Superman Returns) and you'll be rolling in the dough, which is good for Gosling because I've also heard ladies mention that he is successful at rolling in grass (or something about hay).
Okay, so I don't fool myself into believing that what I do as a movie critic is, say, as important as what all firefighters, most lawyers, some politicians, and one or two good hairdressers do, but it has to be worth something, right? I mean, over the years, I've reviewed something like 500 movies and paid an outrageous amount of money to get two English degrees...so my writing on film has to have at least some measure of value and entertainment...doesn't it? I only ask because, apparently, Disney is looking to replace me (a guy who has never been on a movie poster EVER, despite having given slobbery kiss-kiss reviews to many, many motion pictures) with the dude who smells like cheese in the video store while telling you that "Robocop 3 is totally underrated." Don't believe me? Well, the "Daily Telegraph" in the UK is reporting that Disney is using blog quotes from IMDB.com to promote The Boy in the Striped Pajamas...despite having gotten good reviews from actual critics who don't, you know, still live with mum and da. It's one thing when quotewhores like Peter Travers from "Rolling Stone" or whatever dirtbag they unearth to rave about Scary Movie 12 at "Wireless Magazine" get on a poster, at least they are paid professionals and not Internet ghosts. Seriously, Travers may be a hack, but he's still got decent opinions and has at least seen a large number of movies; all we know about Theedge-4, which (hand to God) is the name of the "critic" Disney used for the poster, is that he can surf the Internet and (not making this up) also gave a positive review to The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Sigh. It's getting hard enough to defend the existence of movie critics in this world without reducing what we do to pulling quotations to praise your movie from the dregs of society. This is actually worse than just making things up (which also has been the case). Clearly, someone thinks critics are important enough to put quotations from them on posters in the first place, so I guess that's something.
Don't let this keep you from the Spiderman musical
In the scorecard of life, Julie Taymor is still playing with house money. Sure, she made Across the Universe, but she also made Titus and is working on a Spiderman musical (heart...bursting...through...chest...as...dreams...come...true) with U2 (euphoria overwhelming, life complete, reaching nirvana is pretty cool). So, at this point, she could beat my mom with a jackhammer and still be considered pretty decent in my book...which is why the fact that she's turning her attention to my hands-down favorite Shakespeare work could result in my exploration of polygamy. The Hollywood Reporter is...reporting (hadn't gone to that well in awhile) that the genius woman is switchin' up the gender of Prospero so that Helen Mirren (she of questionable recommendations for drug use and inappropriate suggestions about violence against women) can step into the role. Also joining her will be Djimon Hounsou, Russell Brand, Alfred Molina, and, possibly, Geoffrey Rush. All of those names sound just fine to me. The important thing is that she bring the same blend of visual vibrancy and emotional resonance that she was able to capture with Titus. Aw, hell, the truth is she had me as soon as this thing was announced. Who cares if her budget for Spiderman: The Musical is reportedly topping out at over $1 million a week to put on, who cares if her last movie was a colossal misfire, I'm still gonna find a way to show my love to that woman for all she's doing (so far my symbol of affection is a giant, paper-mache likeness of her, despite never having seen her).
DC is green with envy
The only Green Lantern I've ever sworn my allegiance to was a steakhouse in Decatur, Nebraska. So, when I heard news from the Latino Review that Ryan Gosling was going to play the Green Lantern, I thought "how in the hell is he going to play an entire restaurant." Turns out, they mean the comic book character, who is nowhere near as tasty or appetizing as the prime rib served at the aforementioned establishment (which sadly burned down...I'm now theorizing that was the work of a supervillian who hated good food). It's still a rumor at this point (about Gosling in the movie, not about the restaurant), but it sounds reasonable. Gosling is actually a very, very good actor and certainly looks the part. Plus, I'm told the ladies consider him to be an appropriate dining surface (at least, that's what I figured the gals meant when they talked about eating something off of him). The thing is, this signals a good turn for the DC characters who, in the last few years (save a Batman), have been woefully inadequate and altogether absent on screen. Cast a moderately known but talented actor, make it fantasy-based but real, and focus more on story and character than cramming in effects (but not to the degree of Superman Returns) and you'll be rolling in the dough, which is good for Gosling because I've also heard ladies mention that he is successful at rolling in grass (or something about hay).
posted by Ryan at
8:50 AM
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