Ryan's Junk Drawer

Dateline: Omaha, Nebraska. This formerly peaceful city is gripped with a phenomenon known only as "Snow Madness." The beleaguered citizens, having been trapped beneath a deadly blanket of white powder totaling 57 inches for approximately 6 months, had been enjoying an early spring thaw before terror struck in the form of wet flakes from hell. Left with no other choice, the denizens of Snowmaha have taken to Facebook to post such things as "F**k you, winter" and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW," a move intended to show the magician who lives in the clouds how grumpy they are in order to prevent him from producing more precipitation. Your move weather wizard. Your move.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, welcome to your weekly peek at my junk. And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that aren't quite big enough to warrant their own post but that I refer to as "my junk" so I get cheap jokes out of it. It's a special Thursday tradition that begins with us taking a look at the above creepy-weird image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), picking an innocent-enough looking object from that image, and making up a wacky story about it. Today's object is the creepy braid of hair in the upper left corner. After watching the first Star Wars prequel, some people did nothing. Other people chose to take to the internet and conversations making fun of how terrible it was. Jerry decided that wasn't enough. Armed with only his R2D2 pen knife and a vintage 1981 Return of the Jedi pillowcase, Jerry abducted child star-turned beloved sci-fi series ruiner Jake Lloyd. Lloyd has been living in the cabinet underneath Jerry's junk drawer for the last decade, with only his "Jedi braid" visible from above. Jerry promises to let Lloyd out as soon as he gets over his disappointment. Lloyd is still waiting.

Okay, that's a hell of a preamble today, let's get to my junk already!

1.) Da Vinci to get even with teenage mutant ninja counterpart - You know how they made The Da Vinci code, but didn't choose to make Leonardo Da Vinci the bad ass lead action hero? You know how for the last few decades the toughest Leonardo has been the animated mutant ninja turtle (sorry, DiCaprio, but you were in "Growing Pains")? Well all that shit is about to change, fools. See, according to Heat Vision, the actual historical Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be transformed into the action star of a new movie that is being described as a blend between National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Clash of the Titans. Yes, that's right, HISTORICAL FIGURE Leonardo Da Vinci is being repurposed into an action hero. With Abraham Lincoln being turned into a vampire hunter and now this, you have to wonder WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE TO GET MOVIES MADE ABOUT SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID? One of these guys ENDED SLAVERY and saved the entire United States and the other created some of the most lasting works of art and inventions mankind has ever known...but somehow we still would like them better if they carried swords and stuff. Hey, thanks for redefining what mankind is capable of, now excuse me while I conceive of you as a ninja. Silliness abounds. Oh, and now, because it's somewhat related, here's a picture of an actual Nike shoe dedicated to Leonardo the mutant ninja turtle (I dropped the teenage part because I think he's my age now). I know someone who will want to buy this.

2.) King Arthur as a drug-addled crime lord? - Having gotten a taste of mainstream popularity with Sherlock Holmes, Guy Ritchie is apparently not willing to go back to cult-hit gangster movies. Oh, sure, he managed to work in a few drug themes and thinly veiled homosexual themes into his action movie, but Ritchie is ready to take another step away from where he's been buttering his bread....sorry, he's incredibly British, what do they call bread over there? I'm going to go with crumpet. He's varying from where his crumpet has been powdered (they say that, right?) by agreeing to direct a remake of Excalibur. Actually, that's a stupid sentence. You don't really REMAKE Excalibur so much as you just make ANOTHER damn King Arthur movie. I actually should bench my cynicism here, because I love me a good King Arthur movie. I just haven't had one in awhile (remember the one where Kiera Knightley played some midriff-bearing, savage version of Guinevere? Seriously, what the crap was up with that?). Well, Variety is reporting that John Hodge will rewrite the Warren Ellis draft, which is too bad, because Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) is pretty insane. His twitter feed is full of great observations like calling a bushy beard a "hobo rape thicket" beard. Anyway, Hodge is the guy who wrote Trainspotting, so it isn't like the draft is going to necessarily get MORE normal. I'm going to file this under a tentative amount of excitement.

3.) Batman no mas - At this point, we're all gathered around Christopher Nolan's house like it was the Vatican and we're waiting for some puff of smoke to come out the chimney that tells us something about either Superman or Batman 3. Nolan told someone, I no longer remember who, that some of the things we heard are true and some are total rubbish (see, that's a British word, right?) regarding the Super-reboot and the Bat-sequel. He claims that "they know the approach" to take on Superman, which I can only conclude involves de-powering him and having him become a gay porn star, and that Batman 3 will "be the last" in this current series, which I can only assume means Batman is fed into a wood chipper. Look, this is a bit of good news, with the knowledge of things ending comes a bit more freedom to wrap things up. He won't KILL Batman, but it does allow them to do something slightly more definitive with the character. His comments about "taking a new angle to the story" that "nobody would expect" gives me the false hope that he is at least CONSIDERING doing The Dark Knight Returns. I know he won't, but God would it be awesome. It would give him a way to bring the Joker back, since the story takes place in the near future, and I know that Christian Bale is willing to do anything to himself physically for a role. I bet he'd age a few extra years if asked. Sorry this isn't a lot of info, but it's what we have.

4.) John Krasinski may have to console himself with touching Jenna Fischer - Earlier this week, everyone was tripping over themselves to declare John Krasinski the winner of the Captain America sweepstakes. With the other actors who had been short listed publicly announcing they had been cut down like a Nazi beneath Cap's shield, it left Johnny K as the winner...and the guys at Latinoreview posted an exclusive image of him in full costume.
Thankfully, by this point in the week, we know that Krasinski ISN'T necessarily the new cap, with Mike Fleming at Deadline saying Garret Hedlund, Mike Vogel, and Chris Evans are now the frontrunners. The first guy is in the new Tron but looks to be fairly weak in that role. I couldn't pick the second guy out of a lineup, but I don't need to. Captain America should be Chris Evans. Underrated at almost every turn, Evans is a natural talent and totally looks the part. He's a nerd, having flocked to sci-fi and comic properties, and damn near made the first Fantastic Four somewhat watchable based solely on his charisma. If I were Marvel, I would look no further. To my friends (specifically Matt) who love this character, start proclaiming your love for Evans. We need this guy carrying the shield.

5.) Trailers, parked - Two gems and a turd for you this week. Sadly, the turd is what will get me the most traffic. Let's put that in the middle though, so it's more of a turd sandwich.

Robin Hood is brought to you by the people who did Gladiator. You know that because it looks just like Gladiator. That said, I don't really care. It's got kick-ass action, a lot of angry screaming, arrows and stuff, and most importantly Cate Blanchett, who is nearly done transforming into a full-on goddess. Seriously, she doesn't age, she evolves into a deity. Watch the trailer and get ready to plunk down some cash for some good ole arrows-and-sword clashing.

Twilight: Eclipse is happening whether I want it to or not. It was a blissful month or two that we had off, barely discussing the suckiest suck series of all sucktime. Here is a trailer full of pasty people and shirtless people saying and doing dumb things. I shant discuss it further until such time as is absolutely necessary.


Suck is my counterpoint to what just happened to you if you clicked play above. Proving that although vampires are now more tired than the GOP argument against health care, you CAN infuse life in them if you come at it from a unique angle. Like, say, you set vampires in a story about a struggling rock band and add in cameos by Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, and Moby. This potential cult hit looks too fun to pass up. It probably will only arrive on DVD, but I'll be waiting.




That's all for my epic junk this week! Come back tomorrow as I'm giddy with stupid joy over the prospect of having a weekend that I don't have to do stuff.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 24)

Mad, mad props to newly discovered blog NerdApproved.com. I'm going to be featuring 3 items from their site today, so you should all go give them mad hits so that they know how much I value their badassery. I would like to point out though that they probably get free swag from some of the places that they feature, whereas I have gotten squatto, which is not like Quatto (the mutant from Total Recall). The offer still stands for me to give my address out to people who email film@thereader.com with promises of free crap. I promote well. I'm funny. I can write haikus about your product. I guarantee exposure to literally dozens of eyes. I don't see a downside here.

Anyway, here's the crap I want for free this week (inspired by NerdApproved...and by inspired by, I mean that's where I saw all this stuff).

1.) My ears want to look cool, too! - Here we have the first awesome item, Marvel comics headphones, which come in various flavors, including Hulk, Iron Man, Punisher, and X-Men...but shocking not Spider-man. Although that last fact makes me sad, I can't be too broken up because these retro X-Men ones look rad.

Now, I'm not sure of the sound quality, and they are $40. So, I should have someone GIVE me a pair so that I can also rave about how great they sound! See, this is just good marketing people. I know that "ear buds" are the thing, but sometimes I hate them. Sometimes I want good old fashioned cupping earphones, the kind that make me feel like a tiny person is holding my ears.

2.) Beer pouch hoodie? Yesplease!!!! - I have to tell you guys, this NerdApproved site is the total shit. They are pretty much perfect and hit every nerd bone in my body. Here they have a hoodie that has a pocket for your beer.

Look at that. LOOK AT IT! You can keep your BEER IN YOUR SWEATSHIRT. It's genius, GENIUS I SAY! It's plain gray, but you can always embroider something hysterical on it like "Bring Da Amber Lamps" or something. I love it. If that doesn't say "for use while watching the Chicago Bears" I don't know what does.

3.) Coolest notebooks EVER - Okay, so seriously, you can spend HOURS combing through this NerdApproved site. One of the more practical nerdy things I found was this:
Those are notebooks that LOOK like passports from crazy foreign countries. A set of 4 is like $16 bucks. I use little notebooks a lot. How COOL would it be for you to open up your briefcase and just have a ton of these in there. You would look like a spy. Ladies would throw themselves at you. I need these.

Okay, that's it for today. Seriously, though, do yourself a favor and check out NerdApproved. Good stuff and some funny writing. I approve!

Stealth moviemaking?

These days, it's damn hard to get a project even started without everybody knowing the entire ins and outs of your project prior to the first shot. So how the hell is it possible that the Wachowskis may have filmed or are filming a movie we know Jack Taco about? Yeah, you read that right...I DID say Jack Taco. Oh, and yes I did say that they may have finished the thing nearly without us knowing. This shit is off-the-rails crazy, we're talking Gary Busey-level shit here, but stay with me. Slashfilm did a piece a few months ago (as in December), a fact I emphasize to point out how far along they could be right now, about Arianna Huffington tweeting about having filmed a scene for a new Wachowski movie. This piqued everyone's curiosity because no one had heard such a thing was happening. Sure, we may have been a little dismissive after Speed Racer but nobody would have just entirely IGNORED a project from the directing duo. So we dismissed Huffington...and then she showed pics from the set...WITH the Wachowskis. Huffington noted that she was asked to ad lib stuff about the Iraq war from the perspective of the future. Smart observers quickly concluded that they were either (A) filming little bits to propose a movie, (B) doing some test work for a potential project, or (C) were ABOUT to start doing something. Turns out it may be (D): They're already filming it. Why do we think this? Well Jesse Ventura just told the world that HE filmed stuff for the Wachowskis! He was dressed in some crazy outfit (he actually referenced John Travolta in Battlefield Earth), rambled about Iraq from the future, and that's all he knows. What the hell is going on? They clearly are still working on something! They've been out of the limelight for a year or two now. I am intensely curious about this. Right now, it sounds like Southland Tales, which is the strangest bad movie I ever watched. So that's not a good thing. But these are the people who gave us The Matrix and I am willing to get excited for no good reason. If they are dreaming up something original, I'm going to be over-the-moon excited, even if the only cast members I know right now are Jesse Ventura and Ariana Huffington. Weird.

Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to the "Lost" episode "Dr. Linus"

I usually save my "Lost" write-up for last, but I cannot wait today. I'm like 10 pounds of happy in a 5 pound bag and I can't wait to pop all over you. That didn't sound right.

A really, really quick aside before we get into a big ole pile of juicy, which (and I totally mean to brag here) INCLUDES SOMETHING I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE ELSE TALKING ABOUT YET...but I'm sure they have and I just didn't find it. If you don't like "Lost" this season, you never really liked it all that much. Sorry, but you didn't. Oh, you were hoping it would turn into a show you would like. Maybe it reminded you of something or sparked something in you, but you never really identified with this show, the actual show. You didn't love the things that make it the best television program I've ever watched. What do I mean, well last night gave me a scene that can summarize my love for the entire series.

Ben is offered a mythology-heavy promise: Basically, a fallen angel/demon/smoke-monster inhabiting the body of a dead man with the name of a famous philosopher offers the ownership of a magic island to a murderer. So you have tons of sci-fi/fantasy stuff going on, allusions to the "answers" and endgames that we've been waiting for. But then, in what is one of the best acted, most human moments I've seen in an hour-long drama, Ben reveals his broken soul. When asked why he would choose to go with the abject evil, the aforementioned demon, he bleats out "Because he's the only one who will have me." Had it stopped there, I would have been blown away, totally flabbergasted. But the response of Ilana nearly broke me into flat-out tears: "I'll have you." For all its missteps and miscalculations over more than 100 hours of drama, "Lost" is a show that has great actors playing great characters against a great backdrop filled with great mysteries and great intrigue. It's all of those things, not any one of them. I shit you not, that may have been my favorite 2 minutes of television ever. I will likely be referring to Michael Emerson's delivery of that line while helping kids deliver readings of drama and poetry for the rest of my life.

Okay, now before we go into my usual point-by-point breakdown, here's the big reveal I think I thought of (nearly) first. It's a visual.
As Richard Alpert explained, he got his immortality...because Jacob touched him. I think we're going to see Ben for a long, long time.

Okay, let's dive into the phenomenal, phenomenal episode.

Things I liked

This is just insane. I may as well just snap my fingers off I'll be typing so much.

• Michael Emerson's = Da Shit: In both flash sideways AND island world. He was just flawless. Nuff said.
• Character matters: The reason this MAY have entered my top "Lost" episodes of all time is because of all the character developments. What do I mean? Well...Jack showed that his time spent looking out at the ocean after smashing the lighthouse up allowed him to come up with one conclusion: He has either been manipulated or chosen to do something incredible since his birth and he can't escape until he's done it. He instituted his second best plan (next to Operation Swallow Some Poison) and it revealed that he was right. Richard showed lament for having seemingly wasted not just an ordinary life but a damn near immortal life chasing around the whims of a dead man...until Jack gave him hope again. Lookie there, Jack's turning things around. Obviously Ben's stuff was wonderfully developed, including his awesome moment of redemption. Even Nikki and Paolo's deaths were used to have SOMETHING happen to Miles! He wasn't tempted by Ben's offer because of their diamonds. Seriously, every scene with every person was either revealing or endearing because they were written so perfectly.
• Enter Widmore: It was just a little glimpse, but it sent shivers down my spine. I have concluded he is an out-and-out bad guy, based on something that the "Pop-up Video" rerun of last week's episode reminded me of. Widmore told Locke when he was trying to regroup the Oceanic Six that Locke HAD to return to the island or "the wrong side would win" the war that was coming. Well, he sure did tip the scales, didn't he. Widmore = Bad guy.
• Alex gets her happy ending: Admit it, when she was shot in the effing head by the egg-loving Keamy, it was kind of hard to watch. Thus, it's nice to see the lovely Alex be given her Yale dreams as she wanted. Although, when I saw her last name it weirded me out.

There's so, so much more, but let's just say I loved almost everything.

Things I didn't like

• Not much, really.
• Lag time: The pace seemed to fall off mid episode, but that's to be expected, really.
• Location, location, location: We leave the beach, we come back to the beach, we leave the beach, we come back to the beach. The first few times, it felt like coming home. Now it feels like writers going "where do we PUT these people while this shit happens?"
• Lupidus: My cousin, James, is probably right: Lupidus is being kept alive to somehow fly the survivors of the series "home." Okay, but he's still useless right now. Sun isn't doing much, but I want to see her connect with Jin. Ilana makes herself useful as the de facto leader who has some mythology answers. Miles is both comic relief and the explanation machine, as he's a walking plot device. Lupidus does nothing.

Answers

• Point to this doll where Jacob touched you: We know now why Richard can't age. Jacob touched him. This means we have a few people we know who are going to have a very long life...I'm guessing provided they stay on the island. Richard HAS appeared off island, but briefly. I'm guessing the deal is that you age regularly off island and not at all on the island.
• Jack knows more than Jack: We've seen the man of science switch to a man of faith before, but that wasn't real. He wasn't a man of faith. He was a man of desperation. He didn't BELIEVE, he just didn't know what else to do. Now we see him realizing that this shit is REAL, Jack KNOWS he's important now.
• Black rocked: We know now for sure Richard was a slave on the Black Rock. We suspected, but we know now.
• Guess who's coming to dinner: We know now someone WAS coming to the island, and that it was Widmore. I wonder if Jacob wanted him to do that or if this is a bad, bad thing.
• Dharma LIVES: Well we know for sure now that Ben and his dad WERE on the island at one point...but they didn't die in some crazy Jughead explosion, so the timeline diverged BEFORE the boom boom.
  

Reflections

• Man in Black's replacement: We know now that this is all about finding a replacement for positions of "Evil asshole" and "Good asshole." My gut still tells me that Sayid is going to be the Man in Black replacement, because it works so damn well (what with the tortured soul and all). I don't know who will stay and serve as the Jacob role, I'm thinking pretty obviously Jack, but then again maybe all of this is wrong. Maybe the point is to break the cycle so there IS no "island keepers" anymore.
• Island identities: I think the whole Elba thing in the beginning was more than an allegory for Ben and Napoleon. Abel is an anagram of Elba and I think it works here.
• Uh oh: I have grave fear for next episode, which is NOT the Richard episode I thought it was. Nope, it's "Recon," which is a Sawyer episode. This sucks because even though I like him it's SURE to be another Kate/Jack/Sawyer issue and a lot more walking through the damn jungle trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I don't hold out big hope for it. Then again, this stretch of four episodes now are just about as good as the series has ever put together, so I hope I'm wrong.

I'm going to give this episode a strong A and say it cracks the top 10 for sure and the top 5 possibly. It just was so perfect in terms of acting, it had that great Ben redemption moment in it, and it felt like it didn't add one new question to anything. I loved, loved, loved it. I feel like I'm missing some observations, which I figure y'all will be kind enough to help me with, so have at it!

Sayid Kills Someone and Other Predictions for "Lost"

Before we do anything else, let us all contemplate purchasing this shirt from Teefury.

WITH shipping and handling, it will run you all of $11 dollars. It is titled "Desmond's Replacement," and was pointed out to me by loyal reader (fine, I know him in real life too) Aaron Blackman. So if you buy it, you'll probably have the same shirt as him. Teefury only runs these deals for 24 hours, so by Midnight, that shirt is gone. It's adorable and awesome. And comes in either blue you see above.

Okay, enough pimping, let's get on to it.

Last week was a buffet of awesome, a carnival of corpses and carnage that titillated and teased with terror. It was, for lack of a better term, "the shit." I would be inclined to lament that this episode can't possibly live up to it...but it's a Ben-centric episode. Hell, the title is "Dr. Linus." Plus, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have to kind of figure this is the last Ben-centric episode of the show. There just isn't space left to cover everybody twice, and we know we're getting one more Jack, a Sun and Jin episode, a Hurley episode, a Richard episode...the window is shrinking for Ben. I don't think they're going to kill him off here, but I think this is the last time that the talented, brilliant Michael Emerson will get to hog the spotlight. Sniffle. Let's give him a hell of a sendoff.

Predictions for "Dr. Linus"

1.) Widmore for the win: The prediction itself is that we're going to find out that Widmore is on his way to the island, but I want to take this moment to slow things down and consider a big question: Is Widmore a good guy or a bad guy. I think the key to this involves John Locke's journey off island to get the Oceanic gang back. The Jeremy Benthem "joke" that Widmore made by giving John that fake name when he got off island now makes sense after seeing the Lighthouse, which is totally a panopticon. But that also reveals something telling. We need to figure this out like a theorem or proof of some kind, so come with me down this logical dance.

Widmore helped Locke achieve his goal of getting people back to the island - This is true, we know that much.

Widmore knew that Locke would return dead - This is somewhat less true, but still plausible. John himself knew he was going to die. In fact, Christian told him that. What's interesting here is the can of worms THAT fact opens up. If Christian is with Jacob's team, as I still believe, it suggests that Jacob knew the entire plan of the Man in Black. I like this theory. Then again, maybe the Man in Black hijacked Jacob's plan, subverting the events for his own good. God, I'm going to go cross eyed and get off track here. Let's stay on target.

Widmore was then helping the Man in Black, therefore Widmore is evil - It follows that if he helped John off island knowing that he would die and be resurrected, he's helping the Man in Black and is evil. Ben always tells the truth when you think he's lying and vice versa. I think he may be telling the truth about Widmore. Hopefully, we find out tonight.

2.) Jacob gets some play: They're doing a very nice balance this season (go figure, considering how much of a theme that is for Jacob and the Man in Black) between giving Flocke and Jacob screen time. This week seems to suggest a Jacob tie in on the island, and I bet that Sun, Ben, Lupidus, Miles, and Ilana meet up with Jack and Hurley...and Jacob. Also, I think Jacob's next set of directions are going to involve preventing the person from arriving to the island. As much as I love the show, I don't remember every line of dialogue. I can't remember if Jacob said "someone's coming to the island and I need you to help them" or "someone's coming to the island and I need you to go to the lighthouse." The former indicates Jacob WANTS them to come. The latter indicates potentially that he knew Jack would destroy the mirrored lighthouse and make it more difficult for Widmore (or whoever) to arrive.

3.) Ben is bad to the bone in every time line: I'm guessing that Ben isn't just a bad dude on the island. I'm guessing that his rage isn't just contained to people who don't refill the coffee pot. I'm guessing he's going to be revealed to be some nasty piece of work in the flash sideways too. Part of me wants to be wrong. As fun as it is seeing Ben as a nasty SOB, I wouldn't mind the implication that he would have ended up something better than he ended up on the island. He's a weasel, sure, but I wouldn't mind seeing him be somewhat better. That said, that's not my prediction. I think that dude is going to be connected to some nasty business. Oh, what if he also knows some shit about the island IN the sideways? He is a "history" professor of some kind. What if we find out some info about how the island sunk in the least expected place? In Ben's classroom?!

4.) Richard to the rescue: As much as I think Jacob needs to give some kind of directions (in a very literal sense) to our band of survivors (I mean survivors of the temple massacre), the person who may help is Richard. Dude has been running around in the jungle like a little bitch for about 3 episodes now and didn't even try going to the temple. He's too scared to provide actual guidance, but I think he may know a place for them all to go now, since nobody really has any direction. I wish it was Christian who would pop up and do some guiding, but I think we're going to get our gateway to the Richard episode in this episode.

5.) Sayid kills someone: His journey to becoming the island's Darth Vader is now complete. I want to see him kill a few more stragglers for no good reason, just to put aside the theories that have been espoused by some people (including Doc Jensen). See, there's a theory out there, somewhat owing to people loving Sayid I think, that his actions will end up being beneficial. I do think there's a reason he was on Jacob's candidate list despite being terribly bent towards evil. Doc Jensen thinks that maybe Jacob is trying to replace the Man in Black while the Man in Black is trying to replace Jacob, which is interesting but false I think. Jensen ALSO thinks that killing Dogen and his translator may have "healed" the magic life pool. I disagree, mainly because I think we're pretty good and done with the temple. It was burning and decimated and everyone fled from it, I don't see people going back there. No, I think Sayid is evil because he lost. He was tempted and bought in to it. Jensen also thinks that Sayid plunging the knife in may have done something to Flocke. He points out that Dogen kept the knife in a plant we know to contain poison. I disagree. I think it did nothing. I think that moment just showed us that Sayid can't win. He can try to do the right thing but that his soul is just drawn to darkness and he'll never overcome it. Well, that's not entirely true. I think that he will be given some kind of redemption but it won't be his doing. See, Sayid doesn't believe he deserves to be redeemed. That means someone else will have to do the redeeming for him. Jack anyone?

I'm pumped as always for tonight, so the fact that it's a Ben episode is just a bonus. That said, next week's Richard episode looms huge on my horizon. There's nothing like a "Lost" night, is there?

A double dose of WTF

You often go years between two pieces of news this strange, but since they both happened within the last 24-36 hours, I'm going to group their odd asses together.

Weirdo news part one

Keanu Reeves mentioned that there may be a Bill and Ted sequel and reiterated he wasn't kidding. Of course, this was to MTV, but still, it was captured on camera and I believe him. Why? Well, because he said it semi-convincingly and he's not that good of an actor. Nobody's under the delusion that this will happen soon or, you know, ever, but the prospect is enough to leave me both scratching my head and somewhat excited. The second movie was actually funnier to me, yeah I said it. Watch and see for yourself. The reactions of Death during this scene are just awesome.



It's really Keanu's best work. If I'm being serious...which it is INCREDIBLY hard to do about a potential Bill and Ted sequel...I think the odds of this are actually fairly good. Why? Well, we've seen a spate of long-dormant movie sequels lately (Tron, Wall Street, Midnight Run) and people have been clamoring for this for awhile. Also, Reeves needs a hit and the guy whose name I forget who played Ted has that whole problem about people forgetting his name.

Weirdo news part two

I can't help getting political from time to time, because everything is political, really. I don't think it's at all unclear what side of my political toast is buttered on, but allow me to just mention that this really sucks. Basically, Florida's state legislature wants to change it so that only "family friendly" films are eligible for tax credits. This from the only state in the nation that doesn't let gay couples adopt. So, you see, it becomes a case of having the state more or less promoting the "values" in certain films. What's funny is that for all Glenn Beck's tin-foil hat wearing lunacy about secret communists, he doesn't pay attention to something like this. What do I mean? Oh, I don't know, but you'd think the state controlling and giving their stamp of approval to things in the media would fall under blatant propaganda. If it didn't fall under that, it may fall under obvious discrimination. If it didn't fall under that, it may fall under "the Florida Legislature can suck it." We're already treating art and moviemaking like it's some kind of filthy sex act that shouldn't be supported with our "good, clean money," why not further restrict things? These sorts of state cases are like bad idea Gremlins: Other states see them and slobber over them, and the water spills on the Gremlins and they multiply, becoming terrible and deadly. Specifically, I worry about a state like ours. A state like Nebraska. Our state legislators thought it a better idea this year to advance issues like making it easier for douches who want concealed weapons to get their guns quicker rather than create a tax break that would encourage movies to be filmed here. So that means next year, when smart people inevitably propose this good legislation again, some chode with a moral agenda will contemplate doing something stupid like Florida is considering. I PROMISE you that someone will try to insert language making it so that the only types of movies that could get a Nebraska tax credit are thoroughly vetted by a church. It's things like this that really get my blood boiling.

The 3D craze gets biblically stupid

It's a gray, foggy day in Omaha. I slept a semi-obscene amount last night, but still feel mentally woozy from not having had a day off of my various jobs since the Carter administration. So, it's very nice that Hollywood has decided to go ahead and make the jokes that I usually have to squeeze from my very own mind grapes. What do I mean? Oh, just that Deadline Hollywood reports that Paramount is co-financing a 3D retelling of the book of Genesis. Don't worry about the word of the Lord being distorted by people looking to whore it out for a few shekels though, because it's being written by John Fusco, and he wrote Hidalgo and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles latest endeavor. I was looking for some kind of example that the 3D craze has gotten out of control, but I just couldn't put my finger on that perfect glaring sign that things had gone from "you gotta be kidding me" to "please put this gun in my mouth." I mean, a movie of the book of Genesis is kind of a bad idea anyway, unless you want to put some cool spin on it, which no one wants to do for fear of offending people...which makes me laugh, because you're already using parts of the bible for fun and profit, so really what's a little artistic license here and there. But now...now we have the knowledge that Adam and Eve's fig leaves will bristle and almost give us a look at their yum yums in all 3 dimensions! We can watch Cain eff up Abel with a rock that seems to come RIGHT AT US! People making this movie need to be shown The Nativity Story post haste. Also, the budget is somehow only $30 million (including expensive 3D camera stuffs), so Adam and Eve may look like this.

Weekend Box Office Results: So...you like 3D then?

More than Avatar, the success of Alice in Wonderland this weekend just guaranteed that each and every movie will be released in 3D starting immediately. I am not exaggerating when I say that the ludicrous box office success of this terrible, terrible movie will do more to inspire studios to instantly switch all productions to 3D than Avatar's success, because Avatar was a phenomenon while Alice is a turd. The studio KNEW Alice was a turd, which is why they risked pissing off movie theater franchises by shortening the window between theatrical release and DVD release, because they figured people would see it right away, conclude it sucked, tell their friends, and the movie would be dead in a matter of weeks. This may still happen, but the fact that 3D bumped the thing into rarefied air only previously inhabited by sequels and comic book movies means we're going to be getting things like Precious in 3D. I am not kidding.

So let's take a minute to look back on the staggering weekend totals, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $116 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

I hope it's worth it.
This film took down Johnny Depp.
Damn you Tim Burton!

2.) Brooklyn's Finest - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

How did this happen?
Did YOU see Brooklyn's Finest?
I think this is wrong.

3.) Shutter Island - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

An official hit,
at some point during this week
it tops Marty's list.

4.) Cop Out - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Not quite a real hit,
at some point during this week,
it tops Kevin's list.

5.) Avatar - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

With no Oscar buzz,
this is the end of the line.
Bye, bye Avatar

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

A solid total.
Yep, I've got the hang of it!
Now to get FAMOUS!

Okay guys, that's it. Have a great Monday!!

Movie Review: Alice in Wonderland

I am a grumpy asshole sometimes. I know that. Still, I hope that people in the world know that I don't actually begrudge them their entertainment. One man's totally awful, painful experience is another person's favorite movie. Art is subjective, even bad art. So, yes, you are totally empowered and entitled to believe that Alice in Wonderland is a good movie, even though it isn't. Here's the review:

Blather Jockey
Alice in Wonderland proves Burton has lost it

To director Tim Burton, the only thing more unimaginable than casting a minority in one of his films is allowing Johnny Depp to keep his dignity. Friends or not, if Depp had shot Burton in the face after watching the computer-generated jig his body was reanimated into performing during Alice in Wonderland’s dénouement, it would have been justifiable homicide. If something as flaccid as this exercise in 3D jackassery can leave a lasting impression, it will be remembered for the moment Depp and Burton officially became parodies of themselves.

Screenwriter Linda Woolverton was “inspired by” Lewis Carroll’s novels, insofar as “inspired by” means “encouraged to castrate and simplify.” Luckily, Carroll, a mathematician noted for playing with both words and logic, is dead, so he won’t be privy to the often dull and dumb endeavor his classic tomes served to “inspire.” The film opens with Alice, played by the so-pale-she’s-damn-near-translucent Mia Wasikowska, discussing a dream with her father. This dream is actually her first visit to Wonderland, the most boring fantasy world in all of creation, which she forgets for no explainable reason.

Fast forward and Alice is nearly 20 years old and about to be forced into marrying a yucky British royal. At the moment when Sir Snooty McBadteeth proposes, Alice sees the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen) and chases him down his magic hole. Once there, she meets some familiar faces, rendered with animation slightly less sophisticated than is used to make the Geico gecko. Tweedledee and Tweedledum (both played by Matt Lucas) and Dormouse (Barbra Windsor) can’t agree whether this Alice is the “right Alice,” so they ask the pot-smoking, er, hookah-smoking caterpillar (Alan Rickman), who speaks cryptically to further the plot.

Thankfully, the Mad Hatter (Depp) informs her that she is the correct Alice and that she must slay the Jabberwocky, the evil protector of the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). The Red Queen has been given an enormously disproportionate head using computer effects presumably because Burton and Woolverton considered this both hilarious and sufficient character development. The White Queen (Anne Hathaway) doesn’t fair much better, having been painted whiter than an albino cave dweller, save for her black eyebrows and makeup. Both appear to have been costumed on some kind of dare.

The exact reason why the Red Queen must be overthrown isn’t clear; the White Queen seems to run an equal-sized kingdom, and the Red Queen’s biggest atrocities involve whacking people who stupidly choose to hang out with her and not the White Queen. The reason Alice must be the one to wield the infamous vorpal sword and slay the dragon is also unknown, as pretty much anyone in the film of appropriate size with opposable thumbs could carry the weapon and do the same thing. A fantasy film without fantasy, an ode to imagination without imagination, this is box office moviemaking at its most unabashed.

Burton’s fall from grace has been precipitous, as his last truly original endeavor was 1996’s Mars Attacks. On the other hand, Depp needs some kind of Burton-addiction intervention to save his talent; Bonham Carter is forced to participate because she’s married to Burton, Depp has no such excuse. Compounding the sadness is the fact that the director has developed an inexplicably loyal following based on previous success. If his fans follow onward from this point, they must no longer be pitied.

To be sure, Alice in Wonderland will make boatloads of money, as it has been carefully designed to exploit all key demographics; it is such a thing as dreams of Hot Topics purchases are made of. What it isn’t, what it isn’t even approaching, is good.

Grade = D

Oscar reactions that won't take up your Facebook feed

So last night I decided that, being a movie critic and all, I should live tweet about the Oscars. I have my Twitter feed and my Facebook account linked, so all my friends were showered with status updates every few minutes between the hours of 7:30 and 11 pm last night. Now, I love my friends and family, but some of them were clearly bothered by the frequency of my posts...presumably because they were being prevented from readily seeing other people's status updates, potentially missing gems like "I think root beer is da shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit" or "If I knew it was going to be this hard, I would have chosen a different path, but this is how things are and I'm going to make it through. WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE AND I'M GONNA LIVE IT RIGHT NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!!!!!!" Look, I'm not trying to be a dick here, but it was a little weird to see how many people were annoyed that I would be talking repeatedly for a few hours about a major cultural event that I get paid to pay attention to...especially because they could always just, you know, not read them. I mean, sure, people had to suffer the indignity of scrolling down more often if they didn't want to read my stuff, but just consider that me making up for almost never posting insipid passive aggressive status updates aimed at one person in full public view for all to see. I love you all, really I do, and I apologize if I annoyed you. I won't be doing that again for a full year, so you have 365 days to prepare for my 4 hour hijacking of your facebook feeds. I'd start planning now.

Moving on. There were very, very few surprises last night, but here are few thoughts:

• Jeff Bridges had a nice acceptance speech and was clearly moved. It was a fairly weak year, so nobody was out-and-out screwed (except Sam Rockwell who wasn't even nominated). If you wanted to give the dude an acting award, this was the year.
• Sandra Bullock had the best acceptance speech of the night and seems like a total class act. I think she means well, and anytime Hollywood feels like rewarding a former "cutey pie rom-com actress" in her 40s, I think it's pretty great. I know she makes bad movies, and the award was pretty obviously not deserved. Still, she's not even near the worst actress to hoist that statuette, so let's not worry too much about it. What we should worry far more about is getting Julianne Moore her first win. That's insane that she hasn't won yet.
• Kathryn Bigelow's win was more of a highlight to me than any other aspect of the show. Suck a dong, sexist Hollywood. Women CAN and SHOULD be directing far more movies. Their perspective is sorely lacking, their ability to draw out DIFFERENT kinds of performances from actors is needed, and it's high time we start doing a better job integrating women into the field. Bigelow was clearly flattered and a little stunned, but I hope she takes a deep breath and goes on to specifically talk about THAT issue. We don't need you stumping for support of the troops, Kathryn, we all are aware of that notion. We need you championing women directors...ASAP.
• Hurt Locker was a great movie and it was nice to see it kick so much booty. I did wish that Inglourious Basterds would have won something though.
• I quasi-called that Precious win for Adapted Screenplay. A lot of people made note of the fact that Jason Reitman's reputation hurt him. I had no idea he wasn't liked...well, I kind of did but that's a whole other story.
• Although Kate Winslet, Rachel McAdams, and a few others were really stunning, Anna Kendrick won the Best Dressed Smokin' Hottie of the night to me. She looked properly classy and still uber hot. Best Dressed Hunky Hunk would be Jeremy Renner for me, mainly because I think bow ties are silly looking and he wore a regular tie. Plus, I want to have a beer with him as soon as possible. That's a trait you can applaud in an actor, not a president. Just a reminder.
• Shocking moment of the night involving the director of Best Documentary short who got cut off by a seemingly crazy lady turns out to be an interesting tale. She's the producer of the film, and they've had bad blood for a long time now. I don't know who is right and who is wrong, but she came off looking like the second biggest bitch of the night next to Ms. "I already have two of these at home" Costume award winner. I would suggest that she receive some kind of punishment, but she's already cursed with that giant corn cob up her ass. Another odd moment was the director of the ceremony cutting away from the crew for The Cove, who were promoting a cause on stage that won them the award in the first place. Um, let them talk. There's not really a huge "pro-dolphin murder" contingency out there who will be pissed. The only other big shocker was the Best Foreign Film swipe, which again seems to come out of left field but nobody knows shit about the category so nobody talks about it.
• Oh, and the hosts...here's my thought: Don't have them. Unless you're going to really take the gloves off, don't have them at all. They don't serve any purpose and it would save you almost as much time as cutting out the weird "clips from one genre" thing they've been doing lately or the mushroom-enhanced dance numbers. Martin and Baldwin were fine but totally bland. They added nothing. Your choices are getting a clever, funny person to do the whole shebang and letting him or her really go for it, or just not using them. I opt for the latter, I think.
  

Final note: Yes, I lost the Oscar pool to my wife. I lost solely on the Sound Mixing and Sound Editing categories. She went Hurt Locker, I went Avatar because I thought the movie would sweep only the technical categories. Because of this, I must now carry the shame of both her bragging to me in private and the public scorn from people she tells. It's going to be a long 365 days until redemption comes.

Breaking News: Iron Man 2 trailer suggests the film may be cool

Let's just kick off Monday right. You may not have stayed up after the Oscars long enough to see this:



Yeah, I know. I'm as shocked as you are; it looks like Iron Man 2 may be re-damn-diculous. I mean, I had my money on "incredible" or potentially "intensely bad-ass," but this is now seriously approaching re-damn-diculous categorization. Few films have achieved such an honor, but when you dress Scarlett Johansson in leather, throw in multiple armored-encrusted good-guys fighting armor-covered robot bad guys, mix in a Russian Mickey Rourke, a toothy Sam Rockwell, and a leggy Gwyneth Paltrow, and top the whole affair with an angry-looking Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury...I think we have a re-damn-diculous contender. It's also a good point to mention that the exchange between Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr was Oscar's funniest moment for me last night, proving that Downey Jr is just unstoppable at this point. If it were anyone else in that metal suit, I would not be trying to control my Iron Man lust, but after that trailer, I need a cold shower and a thesaurus for more adjectives. Hotcha!

Weekly Round-Up

So what did we learn this week?

We learned that the Birdemic is coming for all of us.
We learned that Robocop is on the back burner.
We learned that I'm excited for the Oscars whether you are or not.
We learned that Mark Millar is a lying liar.
We learned that...no really Mark Millar is a lying liar.
We learned that "Lost" predictions happen and sometimes come true.
We learned that I will always have junk.

Not bad for one week. Okay, I'm exhausted, you're exhausted. Let's all take a weekend...okay, well I'll be busy this weekend, but YOU take a weekend.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I predict this week's winner to be Brooklyn's Finest, which will make $10 billion worldwide! Sorry, that was just a cruel joke at the expense of Wesley Snipes, who briefly thought that such success would mean he could pay off the tax man and avoid jail. Sorry, Wes, it's still slammer time for you! On the plus side, when you're in prison, you won't be able to make more movies like Brooklyn's Finest. Oh, and how did they get to use "Run This Town" in the trailers for that movie? That song is WAAAY too good for that movie. People may get tricked into seeing it for that reason and that's not right. Now, as far as the actual biggest movie of the weekend, the one that features Johnny Depp acting crazy and Tim Burton using wacky visuals (or as the two of them like to call it, "the usual"), it's going to make a bazillion dollars but not as many bazillions of dollars as it could have if it was (A) original or (B) not going up against the Oscars on Sunday. But enough logic and analysis, let's get to some ancient Asian poetic style, shall we?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $78 million

Burton is lucky
the 3D craze means his crap
somehow still feels new

2.) Shutter Island - $12 million

It's still on good pace
to become Scorsese's best
at least in dollars.

3.) Brooklyn's Finest - $10.5 million

Jay-Z song aside
I can't tell you anything
this film can offer.

4.) Cop Out - $7 million

Poised to be Smith's best
of course I mean box office.
It's a shiny turd.

5.) Avatar - $7 million

Say bye-bye 3D
which means goodbye Avatar
and thank God for that.

WILDCARD - The Crazies - $6.5 million

This could keep trucking
or it could fall way far off?
I'm not good at this.

Okay guys, that's it for this week!

I've officially had it with Mark Millar

As a comic writer and idea man, I like Mark Millar. I met him at the Chicago Comic-con...which I went to for research, yeah that's the ticket...and he was a cool guy. But if you put a publicist or journalist in the room with him, he develops verbal diarrhea and begins spewing lies like you took a factually inaccurate roll of Mentos and shoved it into a vat of wholly inaccurate Coke. He's a Mount Vesuvius of untruth, a planet-sized asteroid of lies, the King Kong of crap. And he's at it again. Mere DAYS after trying to convince the world that they're going to make Wanted 2 despite the fact that Angelina Jolie left AND THE STUDIO SAID THEY WEREN'T DOING IT, he's now giving interviews (which you can see at Bleeding Cool) about how he's going to direct a movie. He was "inspired by District 9" to set a genre story in Scotland that he describes as “cool as X-Men 2 was” and a “21st Century Trainspottingy kind of thing about people with super powers.” Wow. I mean, if this were real or possibly happening in any way, this collection of words I recognize from superior projects done by other people would really make me interested. Sadly, Millar plays a strange game of verbal twister, whereby he puts his right hand on District 9, his left hand on X-Men 2, and his right foot on Trainspotting before vomiting lies all over the mat. The reality of Millar actually creating such a thing are somewhere between a high-schooler's belief that he's going to get laid and Cubs fans' belief that "this is the year." I don't wish Millar ill will, I really don't. I just wish him lockjaw.

Web of Lies: Your new Peter Parker?

He may have a superhero name, but Logan Lerman does not inspire a great deal of confidence in me despite having been supposedly cast as Peter Parker. Mostly because it looks like he has yet to get pubes. I get going younger, but was the second choice a fetus?
Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can...provided that isn't driving a motor vehicle, consuming alcohol, or achieving "second base." Seriously, what's going to be the big romantic story element? Will Mary Jane check "yes, no, or maybe?" BREAKING NEWS: They've just cast Mary Jane.
I know my hopes weren't high for this reboot/relaunch/total clusterf**k going in, but this has done little to assuage my fears. I know it's all rumor for now, but they're going to have to make a splash in the toilet water soon if they want to hit their LOCKED IN STONE release date. There's nothing quite like realizing that you're a whole generation and as much as a decade away from seeing your favorite character show up in the movies in a form that doesn't work like ipecac. Le sigh.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

You know, when you don't get a day off for something like 18 days, they all just kind of blend into one big long day. What I'm trying to say is, I no longer know if this is a NEW Thursday or the same Thursday I just finished. Who's to say? What matters is not the uniqueness of this day, what matters is that it is the day upon which I give the world my junk. Obviously, by junk I mean tiny nuggets of movie news that don't warrant a full blog post, but I will admit that the word was carefully chosen so as to evoke the most titillating responses. I was going to go with Ryan's Juicy Nuggets or Ryan's Tender Tidbits, but those didn't sound nearly as suggestive as me being able to make junk jokes. As is our special tradition, we also begin by looking at an item contained within the creepy-ass junk drawer illustration above (from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN) and making up a totally whacked-out back story about it. Today's item is the green and red object in the lower right corner. Zacharias was never the most observant guy, but even he would feel foolish later when he realized that alien life had been living in his junk drawer for the past 17 years. He had wondered aloud quite often why the drawer seemed to squeal "Gleepglorp" every time he pulled it open to hunt for a battery but had never taken the time to notice the sole remaining survivor of the planet Spleckton's destruction cowering in the corner. Oh well, intergalactic life isn't as important as finding the Duracel that can power up the remote.

Now, on to this week's juicy nuggets...er, tender tidbits...er, EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY JUNK.

1.) I will diligently cover EVERY Rachel McAdams story...EVERY ONE EVER: Although he experienced a little surge recently (that sounds dirtier than I meant it to), I don't really have a deep abiding love for the recent Woody Allen. Oh, he got Scarlett Johansson to roll around semi-nude, which I appreciate (and, fine, the movie was pretty damn good too), but for the most part he just keeps making movies like a mediocre movie machine. Also, it is increasingly apparent that there's some kind of celebrity game that you can't win without appearing in an Allen film (my theory: Allen is the center square in celebrity career bingo). Case in point, THR is reporting that Rachel McAdams is joining the cast of Woody Allen's latest, which already features Owen Wilson and Marion Cotillard. You know, because you've been waiting to see Wilson and Cotillard share the screen since...never. So on the one hand, this news gives me the excuse to do this:
On the other hand, we're talking about Owen Wilson opposite two incredibly talented, lovely ladies. How does this keep happening? Damn you, Wilson. Damn you to hell. The Allen film is untitled at this point so it's being called "Untitled Woody Allen Project" and not "Untitled Ryan Syrek Project" like I asked. It is described as a romantic drama, as opposed to the Woody Allen written and directed torture horror movie or sci-fi action project you expected. Plan on a lot of talking and neuroses. Woody Allen: Making movies that college students think rule for 40 years.

2.) Wolverine 2 is happening. Gird your loins: There's no easy way to say this, but they've finished the X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 script and they're going to start filming in January. Hopefully, they realize that they don't need the "X-Men Origins" part. Actually, what the hell am I saying, if I'm hoping, I'm hoping that they realize they don't need to make this movie at all. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. As for the other movies, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. I'm over it. We're all over it. I don't advocate starting over with some kind of reboot, but Wolvie works better with others in my opinion and this current film, which will rape the memory of the Frank Miller-penned "Wolverine as a ninja" storyline, is poised to either shoe-horn in mutants who don't belong (a la the brutal, brutal use of Gambit and Deadpool in the last Wolvie movie) or leave just Wolverine and a bunch of ninjas. Now, that last one sounds cool, but this is a FOX project, which means the writers are likely to get notes like "can these ninjas be less ninja-y? Can they not wear masks or use swords? What if the ninjas were actually all vampires? Sexy teen vampires?!" Nobody is excited for Wolverine 2. You would think that would stop a studio from spending $150 million dollars, but it won't.

3.) Hurt Locker producer put in the...well, that's just too easy: The Oscars are this weekend, and I'm excited as shit. I downloaded not one but TWO apps on my iTouch to make predictions and do other totally nerdy things. I love it unabashedly because I realize that (A) this is not about honoring the actual best film of the year, something that's impossible to do because me and my best friend can't agree on what that movie is so why we blame the Oscars for not getting it right is beyond me and (B) I like guessing who will win and watching people have emotional moments on stage. It's kind of a thing for me. Anyway, one person who will not be watching in person is Nicholas Chartier, because his ass got tossed out of the ceremony like the drunk girl dancin' on tables with her booby out gets tossed out of an Applebees. See, Chartier sent emails begging for votes, which is okay, but specified he wanted people to vote for The Hurt Locker and not "a $500 million" movie, which was obviously targeting Avatar. Now, as Nikki "Douchie Douchie" Finke points out, a TON of people do this. Chartier just got caught. He was turned in, likely by one of the people FROM his film, because apparently he caused some tension on the set. Whatever. I think this sucks. You let people spend millions taking out ads that say VOTE FOR ME but a guy sends an email and he gets kicked out? Maybe if he offered a blowie to people who voted for him, but not for asking for votes. Stupid. Combine this with the sudden and surprising bad press for the film (military people saying it "isn't realistic" and someone threatening to sue because the film was based on them) that just HAPPENED to come out right when votes were due, and you get me staring at Harvey Weinstein. I know popular theory is that James Cameron and his Avatar posse are the likely conspirators trying to bring down the front runners in order to win, but that's not true. I honestly believe that an egomaniac like Cameron both thinks (A) he's above the award and (B) that he's probably going to win already. Hell, he was the one saying "go ahead and give the director trophy to Katherine" like HE gets to decide it. No, the real person behind this is OBVIOUSLY Weinstein, who has waged campaigns like this before. His thought is that if The Hurt Locker is taken down a peg and people think Avatar is behind it that Inglourious Basterds may squeeze through. This sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. See, the Oscars are crazy fun, right?

4.) Tim Burton branches out!: Ha! Wouldn't that be hilarious?! Wouldn't it be great if he actually DID branch out? Like, he adapted a courtroom drama or a sci-fi movie or something? No, he's not going to do anything like that. He and Timur Bekmambetov are going to team up to adapt Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is so boringly appropriate for Burton that I can't stand it. He's going to cast Johnny Depp as Lincoln, you just know it, and despite the book sounding like a bit of wacky fun (it is by the peeps behind "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and follows the idea that Lincoln was...well, seriously, it's right there in the title), the movie is going to be the same old boring retread we've seen again and again and again from Burton. I would go on, but this video says everything I would say far funnier than I would say it.



5.) Trailers, parked: A few new ones this week, but nothing too exciting. First up is the next Disney flick, which combines classic and CGI animation to hit up a princess story I can't believe hasn't already been covered. Rapunzel is going to get her big-screen showcase, finally, and I can't help thinking this is going to pale in comparison to the lively, fun, and inspiring Princess and the Frog, which I fully intend on owning. This first clip is just that, a tiny clip, but it gives a little about the movie's feel and you get to hear some voice acting, which is fine. Enjoy!

Tangled


The second movie looks a little more inspired. Despite starring people that I didn't think were making movies anymore for various reasons, The Jonses looks like it may have a little sass in the tank. Clever concept, interesting trailer, and some low-budget appeal has me thinking that I may actually be somewhat excited to check this out. I'm just as surprised as you are.

The Jonses


Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Stare good and hard at it. We'll be back tomorrow for a rousing end of the week hoopla!

Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to the "Lost" Episode "Sundown"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now THAT'S what I'm TALKING ABOUT! Fan-flippin-tastic episode. Absolute "Lost" nirvana (or should I say nerdvana) for me. My cousin, James, said that if Claire had killed Kate, the episode would have been perfect. I would reverse that and then agree. If the episode had ended with Kate going "whoa, you a crazy bitch now" and shanked frizzy-hair right between her oddly spaced eyes, I'd still be in bed weeping tears of joy. Instead, I am only shouting with exuberant pleasure! I know that the show is not known for its fight sequences or full-on action moments but you can't say this episode was boring when it started with a crazy samurai-versus-assassin fight and ended with the angel of death destroying a holy temple. For every quiet moment of contemplation (like Jack staring out at the ocean) we need a hellfire and brimstone dismembering bonanza. This was just great, great, great.

Let's break it down.

Things I liked

Oy, where to start?!

• Sayid ain't just naughty: After weeks and weeks of predicting it, we get the Sayid body count we're meant to have. I tallied 5 corpses courtesy of Jarrah this week (3 in the flash sideways, 2 in the island time). I loved how you knew that Sayid was about to start killin' fools even when surrounded by hired muscle and the toothy Keamy (seriously, that dude has extra teeth, right?). So great.
• Dogen revealed: I didn't need some big, long backstory about a character introduced to me in season 6. Nor did I need him to be a total mystery. We found out that he's (A) not super old but a regular dude, (B) killed his son and wanted to save him (more daddy issues, oy), (C) a key player for Jacob, proving that you don't HAVE to be a candidate to matter to Jake, and (D) dead. I like it.
• Joining up: Finally, Kate meets Claire. Yeah, I said it. I don't LIKE the storyline, so I want it to be OVER. It looks like we're on our way to that. Down in my "answers" section below, we'll address what I think is the answer to one of our biggest Claire mysteries. That's called foreshadowing.
• Naveen Andrews is the ballz: Seriously, that dude is such an incredibly talented actor that it kind of pisses me off that they didn't use him more often. Plus...dude when he got that evil look on his face at the end.... HE CREEPED BEN LINUS OUT. That's not easy to do. He has this ability to look totally bad ass but also totally evil. I love it, I love it, I love it. I hope this isn't the last we really follow him, I hope he's now the Darth Vader to Flocke's Emperor.
  
• The little touches: I like the way this episode fit with the last one. Jacob got his two most important players, Hurley and Jack, the eff out of the temple at that point for a reason. He KNEW things were going to go south. I like how the secret passageway came back. I like that Miles exists to basically bridge the gap for the audience. He's a walking, talking plot device but written with such charm I don't mind. I liked Terry O'Quinn's increasingly obvious Emmy win. Dude, when Flocke pulled that knife out of him and said "Now what did you go and do that for?" I nearly pooped. It was so awesome. I could go on and on and on. Let's just assume I loved everything.

Things I didn't like

Really not many.

• No Sawyer and Jin: I really want everyone to encounter each other. This delayed Sun/Jin thing is killing me.
• Dogen's magic?: I didn't like that "Dogen was the only one keeping him out." I thought the ASH was the only thing keeping him out? Why not have Sayid just kick the ash apart and watch as hell breaks loose? Weird.
• Extraneous characters: Ilana and Lupidus are not needed. Miles works as a narrative bridge to explain what's going on, but Lupidus does nothing and I don't really like Ilana.
  

Those are minor complaints. I really had almost none. Oh, wait, one more.

• Claire didn't die.

Okay, now I'm done.

Answers

Not too many, but a few key ones I think.

• He will appear as someone who has died: It seems obvious to us now, but that fact was never a fact. Smokey can only appear as a dead person. That's going to be key I think.
• Claire's kid: Okay, I know we badly want Aaron to have meaning. I know we want him to be the reincarnation of Jacob or the key to the future on the island. I don't think so. I think last night's language told us all we need to know about why Claire's kid "couldn't be raised by another." The psychic suggested some giant evil would be unleashed if the kid was "raised by another." He was. He was raised by Kate, she SPECIFICALLY used that language last night. Kate said "I raised him." Okay, so, we've all assumed that the kid would turn out evil or that the kid would create something bad. Nope. Turns out that Kate raising Aaron was what turned Claire nutty, which is what Flocke needed to gain access to the temple. Claire helping Flocke BECAUSE her son was raised by another IS how Aaron helped to create evil in the world. It was the thing that allowed an entry point for the MiB into Claire's mind. I really think this is a big question totally answered, so don't be surprised if they don't come back to it again. It works for me, I don't need more Claire. Ever.
• Sayid's alliance: Sayid is evil. We know that now for sure.
• Dogen's age: We know he's a regular dude for the most part.
• Flocke is evil: Do we REALLY need to debate this any more? Seriously.
  

That's it for "definitive" answers unless I missed something.

Reflections

This episode was everything I love about the show. Great stuff.

• What will Kate do?: I still hold that she's going to die in order to somehow save the island and that Jack has to let her or actually kill her. Now that she's with the bad folk, I think the chances of that are increased. She's clearly going to play some kind of a role, but my guess is she'll probably be used to get Jin back to Sun while Sawyer does some kind of distraction.
• Flash sideways madness: Okay, for the longest time, I thought that the flash sideways were showing us the "better" versions of our characters. Each time, the character in the "alternate" world had addressed their weakness. Kate didn't run, she went back for Claire (although, ugh). Locke didn't hold on to miracles and argue about "what he could do." He accepted his fate and limitations. Jack didn't carry on his daddy issues, he loved his son harder. Then came Sayid. At first, he fit the pattern. He didn't go after Omar's tormentor, he went home and took care of the kids for Nadia like he said he would. Then came the Keamy scene. Well, shit. There goes that theory...or does it? Sayid's flaw ISN'T violence, it isn't even the evil that he embraced in the island time. His flaw is that he can't forgive himself for his sins. There's still a chance that he's a different person, that he will come to grips with the fact that he does bad things for good reasons. I don't know that he WILL, but he might. We know that the storyline has to continue anyway, he just found Jin.
  

I can't say enough good things about the balance between action and advancing the plot that just happened. I give it a solid A, and it may be the best episode this season so far. Next episode is just destined to be a "walking through the jungle with different groups" episode, but it's also a Ben Linus-centric one, potentially the last of its kind. Ben episodes just can't be bad because he's such a good actor. I'm sure I'm missing some important elements or thoughts about last night's show, but I want to just roll around in its goodness. I said that it was the hinge episode, the one that would determine the trajectory of the show. Well, consider me impressed. What say you all?

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 23)

I haven't had a day off in what seems like an entire lunar cycle. Earlier this week, this fact manifested itself in me becoming a full-on pissy-pants. I was a grumpus of the 12th degree. Today, however, I'm all (tired) smiles and happy (delirious) thoughts. I don't know why I'm starting the "send me free crap" column this way today, but whatever, it's my blog and I'll treat it like a nonsensical diary whenever I want to. I once more remind the world that if they contact the groggy, incredibly loopy person writing this here blurb at film@thereader.com, he (meaning I) would be more than happy to provide you explicit instructions and directions as to how to deliver the incredible assortment of fun shit I'm about to request. Quick, before I start dropping emo thoughts like shitty but amusing status updates on facebook or twitter ("Whatever, world. I WILL survive, even if NO ONE out there understands or loves me."), let's move to the things I want this week.

1.) Because R2 cares if my nasal cavity is dry - Warning, this is going to be even heavier into thinkgeek this week than ever, mostly because they are the flippin' ballz. How do you see this and not want it?


That's a USB-powered R2D2 humidifier for your desk. Every time I bitch about how science hasn't given us the cure for cancer or whatever, I want you to remind me that someone out there invented a small version of R2 that you can pour water in and hook up your computer to avoid having a dry throat. That ought to satisfy me. I kid you not, this could be one of my favorite things ever. If I were Oprah, I would give this away to throngs of screaming people. Because I'm not, I want someone to give it to me.

2.) See, I'm helping to decorate the house! - I'm not the person you want doing interior design work. I have no sense of style, I just like movies. In addition to movie posters, which I'm told look good when hung on walls, I think it would be kind of cool to hang some of these on the wall.

They're surprisingly cheap, and I think if you were to decorate say a basement with a mind towards making it feel like a cool place to watch movies, you could do worse than slap up a couple of these amidst your cool-ass posters (which are far easier to find). Again, I don't want anyone thinking I know what I'm doing on such matters, but I've always found something inherently cool about these reels. Then again, I also want to eat Perky Jerky.

3.) Fight the power...of non-video gamers - I like so much about this shirt.


From the Russian colors, to the fact that I have at some point played with almost all of these things, this is an inspired shirt that seems to send a message with its militaristic style...but it doesn't really have one. That's great.

Gilligan's Island: The Movie...it's like "Lost" only dumb

Variety reports that we're inching ever slowly towards a world in which we have a full-length, live-action, "reimagined" feature film of Gilligan's Island. Reminiscent of the moment that humanity first stole fire from the Gods or the first splitting of an atom, this brave take on a classic that defined a generation will be written by Brad Copeland, who hates us all. He was a staff writer on "Arrested Development," a fact I told you "AD" fans in order to crush your mental nuts with the fact that he also wrote the screenplay for Wild Hogs, the upcoming Yogi Bear movie, and is currently working on The Flight of the Navigator reboot. So as near as I can figure, this guy wakes up (possibly from a coffin or on the sticky floor of a public bus), dusts himself off, craps out 2-3 horrible ideas, and resumes huffing bicycle paint and snorting moldy cheese. I can't WAIT to see what he does with Gilligan's Island, which as far as I know was the inspiration for "Lost." Oh, wait, I do have a suggestion for how you can make this adaptation not suck, Mr. Copeland.
That's Evangeline Lilly dressed as Mary Anne. If the movie is 100 minutes of her in slow motion dressed like that, your movie will be an unprecedented success that I will view one million times. If it should contain anything else, like say Ashton Kutcher as Gilligan or on-the-nose casting like John Goodman as The Skipper, I will hire an army of sumo wrestlers to physically consume every frame of film on which you record your film (or whatever computer processor you store the digital material on). I will then have said army of sumo wrestlers fertilize your lawn with their Gilligan's Doody. Then, in the springtime, flowers will bloom that spew death. This is my promise to you. Good day, sir.